Power struggle with step daughter
willpower654
10 years ago
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Comments (28)
mkroopy
10 years agolast modified: 9 years agoMom-of-all-trades
10 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Step daughter damaging to marriage
Comments (51)From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband. I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made. This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all. The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok. If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage. After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it. The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD. For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on? Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it? You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior....See MoreStep Daughter Troubles!
Comments (17)'FATHER NEEDS TO TAKE OVER MOST OF THE PARENTING/DISCIPLINING.' amen. He's her father, he can't delegate that. Trying to weasel out of it (he thinks 'the mother' should do it because he isn't 'the mother'!) will guarantee a snowballing disaster. Whatever you do, do *not* let yourself be put into a position in which you're the bad guy, because that could put you, or someone you love, like the little one, in jail, in the hospital,or worse. 'In jail' because people like this can lie & be believed when you're telling the truth & nobody believes you! If she says you beat her, you tried to make her take drugs, you brought a man into the house for her to have sex with...people will believe her! Husband can't afford denial: he must acknowledge & accept that there *is* something very wrong here & participate in whatever counselling or therapy he can get lined up. If it were just him & his daughter in the house, denial would work until the police & the tv reporters showed up on the doorstep, but it isn't just the 2 of them. Whatever you've got invested in this relationship, it isn't worth your life or your quality of life. You can't live with someone like this & be somehow above it all, detached from it; it's like living with an alcoholic. You get sucked into their whirlwind, & your life is no longer your own. My mother was a sociopath, & she destroyed at least 4 people's possibilities for 'normal', healthy lives, probably more, because her sister & brothers were all a little off-balance. Life with a sociopath is a constant strain, a struggle; you can't get anything done, can't have your own schedule, hobbies, classes, anything, because they'll throw you for a loop every time, & you'll spend all your time trying to maintain balance & to read their minds, getting ready for the next 'episode'. You're off balance all the time, trying to read their moods, trying not to get blitzed, & your stress hormones will be elevated all the time. which will shorten your life. You have a young child; Take care of yourself....See MoreNeed insight on a controlling 7 y/o step-daughter and parents
Comments (4)Hey! ... So your situation sounds like my life 100%. Im not sure how you can find my posts but one of them is POWER STRUGGLE WITH STEP-DAUGHTER. I have the same situation minus the parents. I am lucky enough that the parents respect me and realise the BM is a sad excuse for a parent. Before I say anything I just wanted to say that it may be a really bad sign that his parents are acting the way they are... because bascially they are telling you by not allowing you over that they do not respect you, your opinions, your relationship with your bf... and I am assuming you have said or did something or voiced opinions and they disagree... What I did after I joined this forum, with the help of the posters on here is I literally removed myself from the situation... The child is 7 just like you, and she runs the show just likes yours. Now basically what I did with my fiance is sit down and say listen, I had divorced parents and my dad was strict and my mom was a push over... I explained to him that for his daughter's sake he needed to teach her discipline and give her rules and guidelines. In the beginning he thought I was a complete jerk so I stayed quiet.. Then things started unfolding on their own. She acted out at a fam BBQ and made him look like a fool, she almost drowned at a cottage we rented because he cant get control of her, she physcially hurt my god daugher (who is 3 btw), she ruined a weekend trip away because she started crying again in the middle of a show because the attn wasnt all on her, and his own MOTHER will not take her anywhere anymore because she is out of control and drove her absolutely insane on a weekend trip... these are just some of the things and this was what i can remember all in a 1-2 month span...And we have her every OTHER weekend. Bascially then, he came to me and said listen I really dono what to do. I am so lost. And my response was well I'm not an expert but I can see what you can't because I am not the parent and she is SCREAMING for some guidelines and rules. I told him straight up if you do not get her under control and respecting you then when she is a teen I feel extremely sorry for you and her. As you said she adores me too. But I have had some things happen to my in the last little while as well.. One of my posts was about a day that she was being bullied at daycare so I kept her at home that day before she went back to BM and she did not listen to a single word that came out of my mouth the entire day. She has ZERO respect for elders, and MINUS respect for her father and in turn me. So now the rule is I do not take her anywhere without him. And he is giving the discipline... I like you, am trying to help him and her... but as the posters on here will never fail to remind you,.... your not the mom, you have no say. When this child's BM doesnt care for her in appropriate ways, I can't do anything about it. So now I just let him handle everything. When his BM freaks out and calls and acts like a 2 yr old. I just leave the room and let it go on. Because as much as you want to lose your mind on him, her whatever just remember NONE of this is your problem. Enjoy him, and YOUR relationship. And enjoy the little one when shes around, help her with her homework, cook together do fun stuff. But if he doesn't discipline her and she drives you nuts... guess what, shes NOT yours so you have the choice that you can leave. It really doesn't sound like the situation will change if he doesn't think there is a problem. And him constantly tellin you she is # 1 is telling you that whatever YOU have to say means F*%& all and you may as well give up saying anything. He is not listening. He is listening however to what his parents say (who seem to be quacks) by the way. I would suggest taking some time and thinking about the situation. Forget about the daughter for a moment and his family and really think about what exactly it is that you two have together... Is there even anything there? do you even do anything together or have fun or is it all based on HIS parents HIS kid and HIS problems with HIS BM. Just remember at the end of the day if he doesnt respect your opinions that what exactly do you have together? The best of luck, Dont forget to update us here lol I always wonder whats happening in the poster's lives after they post and get responses haha!...See MoreDaughter & Step-Father Disrespect
Comments (5)This may not have anything to do with the "step" thing...my daughter just turned 14, and starting between 12-13, things just went crazy....we had an awful year (8th grade)...just unbelievable. She went from a pleasant, honor student that never ever got in any kind of trouble to an absolute mess....bad grades, getting in trouble in school, "cutting" her wrists, and just showing complete and total lack of respect for me and her mother (we have 50-50 custody). Despite our divorce, which was amicable, she's had a very good upbringing...two parents who are loving and supportive...we had no idea where all this came from. Fortunately she's been in therapy for about a year now, and I think just getting out of 8th grade (middle school) and moving on to high school has helped, because things have been a lot better the last 6 months or so. Not perfect, she still has lots of anxiety and self-esteem issues, but the bahavior has improved a lot...so I am hopeful. The others are right, your husband needs to back off a bit...and you two need to establish and agreed upon set of things that are acceptable and things that are not...and when she does something that is not, he should tell you and you decide what to do about it, she is your child to discipline, not his. And no matter what she has done, for him to not give her positive reinforcement if she is making efforts to improve, that is JUST AWFUL...you need to get all over him about this...kids, especially girls, at this age need GOBS of positive reinforcement! He is causing her lots of harm by doing this.......See Morewillpower654
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