Power struggle with step daughter
willpower654
10 years ago
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mkroopy
10 years agolast modified: 9 years agoMom-of-all-trades
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Step Daughter's Wedding
Comments (118)I really think why it worked for Dotz, above, is that her SS realized through his own divorce, how BM (his ex-) can so easily contaminate the well. It doesn't take much. Even a deep sigh from BM whenever dad's name or SM's name is mentioned, sends the signals to the kids that dad and SM make mom unhappy and threatened, so the kids feel threatened. Even as adults, very few SKs can remove the emotion from such and see it for what it is--mom being mom and her reaction is just that, her reaction and not necessarily the reality. But, when SS lost his own BM and the divorce shoe was now on his foot, it made it, I'd imagine, easier for things to click. I'm happy for Dotz. I've heard this from a few SMs, where after 20 or such years of being somewhat the family punching bag, something clicked, and next thing you know, BM was off somewhere with her new man and adult kids were all okie-dokie with dad AND SM. Some people have the ability to just let it all go and get back in love with whomever. I'm not sure I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It'd be very hard to let go of 20 years' memories of being the family scapegoat. And that is why I feel the real lesson here is for SKs or adult SKs. If it takes too long to put 2 and 2 together re: who on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose contaminated the well, it may be too late. Then, you lose one of your parents and/ or get divorced, and you have no one to reach out to. Given DNA, bio-dad may be forgiving, but SM may not, and she does not have the DNA connection that is usually required for that much forgiveness. Dotz' SS got really, really lucky. I hope he realizes that!...See MoreGetting Tired of Lazy Step-Daughter
Comments (55)Seems like your step daughter does more than mine. Mine just attends school. My wife has a co-parenting situation where the child goes back and forth between homes. But her daughter left the biological dad’s place permanently after she turned 18 because she hates her step-mom. So she moved in with us permanently. We taught her how to drive and bought her a 16 thousand dollar car so she can drive herself to college. She’s 21 now and a junior in college but she doesn’t do much around the house. Free food. Free housing. She only takes care of her room, bathroom and takes out the kitchen trash. She doesn’t cook because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t do dishes and leaves her dishes for me or her mom to do. On her free time she just watches tv and hangs out with her friends eating expensive food that her mom gives allowances for. So many other things I probably forgot to list it all. I feel bad for my wife because she does everything for her. I’m pretty nice and always lets it slide but at times it makes me frustrated. However to keep peace in the home I never say anything to my step daughter. I’m hoping one day she realizes how much we do for her and not take advantage of our kindness. Im not sure either because ive heard her say its the adults who have to mak sacrafices. but she is an ault herself. she has voiced that she is living with us forever. i hope not. I hope she finds a good partner or a rich husband because she has voiced that she does not want to work. Why waste money gojng to college then? And yes we pay for some of her college tuition. Because her dad will not eventhough he’s supposedly rich for the gram. she says her dad is struggling because he has 2 more little babies with the new wife to take care of. But just because he chose to have another life doesnt mean he throws out his other kid like trash for someone else to pick up....See MoreStep-Mother vs. Step-Daughter
Comments (5)Prior to DH and I getting married I had a wonderful relationshipp with my 10 year old SD. Her father is the custodial parent of her and three other children and has been since she was four years old - she has had an on again off again relationship with her mom since she left. I think that DSD was just as excited about our marriage as we were. We got married on December 15 and by Christmas she had declared an all out war against me trying to make sure that I understood her place in her dad's life. She did not like me sitting by him, kissing him (something she had seen plenty of times prior to our marriage) or being near him in any way. Everything was a struggle from who got to sit by him in the truck and at the dinnertable to her point blank asking him whom he loved the most. (He very diplomatically told her he loved us both the same amount for different reasons - NOT the answer she was looking for) We left for our honeymoon on December 26th and went to Disneyland taking all four of the kids with us and every single day and activity was a batttle for her dads attention. Sometimes I stepped back and let her have her time and others (like the time she insisted that he hold both of her hands, instead of one of each) I did not. She is a loving, sweet little girl that I love with all of my heart and I tried to place myself in her position and never battle back - just talk and explain and listen ans sometimes say "I'm sorry but this is the way that it is and this is the reason why." After just a couple of weeks she understood that I wasn't trying to take her place and she loved me again. Six weeks after getting married DH and I got a huge surprise and found out we were pregnant (while on the pill) We were thrilled, DSD was devastated and hysterical and again we just sat back and listened and explained and loved her and let her vent and sometimes rant and rave, and sometimes when she got out of hand we had to send her to her room to give her and us a moment to calm down and regroup. We knew we had to give her time and patience and understanding. Her dad never let her disrespect me in any way, and beleive me there were times I think she wanted me to go away and never come back, but she never said as much. It took her 4 months to accept the pregnancy and another month to admit she was happy - I am due November 7th and the first time she said anything about being excited about the baby was the fourth of July. I know for me sometimes it was hard not to get angry, and start telling her how she needed to be acting differently because of this and this and this, but then I would just remind myself how traumatizing all of these changes had to be for a child and would just sit back and bite my lips until the impulse passed. We now have the loving relationship (and friendship) that we had before and i am greatful everyday that I found the patience I needed to sit back and let her adjust. Hugs - Candy...See MoreOlder step kids struggling
Comments (4)I agree that disengaging is a great idea. The "stepkids" were adults when you became involved with their father so there truly is no reason for him to have any contact with his ex... I'd have to agree with the ex wife in that regard. Of course, there are going to be graduations, weddings & grandchildren so there is going to be times everyone is in the same room & yes, it would be best if everyone could behave like adults & not make those situations uncomfortable... but you cannot control what someone else does. But, on day to day or even holidays, there is nothing you can do about the kids not coming around and you should probably plan things to make your daughter's holidays special. An invitation was offered & leave it at that. As a child of divorce, when I was in my early 20's I had to choose mom or dad's house. Many times I chose the parent that I felt "needed" me more than where I would have the most fun or enjoyment, which was usually my mom. After all, dad had remarried & had his wife... mom was all alone. I wonder if that's typical for children of divorce? Today I am in my 40's and have a great relationship with my dad, but I might have been resentful if my stepmom had gotten involved in my relationship with my dad... I was an adult when they got together & she had nothing to do with my upbringing. As it turned out, she stayed out of things to do with me & dad, but she did make an effort to have her own relationship with me, she didn't pressure or push but she was there & listened when I needed to talk or ask advice. I didn't really learn to appreciate it completely until I was in my 30's. I agree with focus on your child & your husband. The kids, as they mature, should come around. If they don't, it's their loss. Let your husband forge his own relationship with his own kids. Sometimes kids (in their 20's) want to cut the apron strings & don't want to have as much involvement with their parents. I believe if the ex bad mouths you or your husband... the kids are old enough to figure out if there's validity to the ex's claims and if not, they will eventually hold that against their mother. My mom talked bad about dad after the divorce. For a while, I stood by mom out of loyalty but as I got older, my relationship with mom is not very close while my relationship with dad has grown much closer. I'd suggest to back off & not give them a reason to believe anything their mom might say is true....See Morewillpower654
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