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Difficult Situation with His kids

Posted by ElleJai (My Page) on
Fri, Jul 27, 12 at 18:57

His kids are manipulative, disrespectful, self-serving, and have taken entitlement to a whole new level.
He has 5 kids - ages 24 son, 22 girl, 21 girl, 18 girl and 14 son. After a nasty, drawn out divorce, he has custody of his son, 14. The youngest was not a problem until the girls chose to be disrespectful, manipulative, etc. The 18 girl has been a pain since we married 8 months ago, but Dad was doing pretty well at keeping her in line - until she turned 18 in May. The 22 girl is married and has not spoken to her Dad since we married, so she isn't much of an issue for us. The 24 son, his fiance and the 21 girl came to our home for a week. The days leading up to their arrival the 18 girl became defiant and disrespectful. She left and is staying at a friends house which is fine with both of us. She communicated to her siblings her side of what has been happening i.e. dad made a chore chart and is enforcing it, she calls it slave labor. I am disgusted with all of his kids now and truly want nothing to do with any of them. Their father is fed up with them as well but we still have to deal with the 14 son. The 24 son and fiance left and are not really a problem except that they are driving a vehicle daddy paid for and is paying the insurance on - the kids are supposed to be sharing the vehicle while they are at college in another state. They never bothered to let him know if/when they arrived back safely. The 21 girl is going on a mission at the beginning of September, so we have to deal with her until then. She is a drama queen. She has put herself in the role of the 14 son's mother and I'm sure that has much to do with his sudden reversal in behavior. It feels horrible to be in my own home now. I can't stand being here when my husband is at work so I stay in our bedroom. Drama queen has been nasty to my 2 cats before so I keep them in our bedroom with me to ensure they aren't harmed. He isn't happy about their behavior and is doing what he can but he can't be here all the time. It breaks my heart that kids can have such a negative impact in a home. I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that makes sense to me now is to totally ignore them - have nothing to do with them at all. I don't think that will work for long but I don't now what else to do. Thoughts and/or suggestions?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

You could change the locks on your doors, turn off the lights and pretend no one is home?

Daddy needs to take control of his home (and his wallet). Four do not even live at home anymore (and one is borrowed aka the fiance). The only one who has to be there right now is the 14yr old. Chore list? Slave labor? Bwahahaha! Obviously the little darling has been a wee bit too pampered all these years.

I'm sure your husband realizes that one can only be manipulated if one allows ones self to be so, right? Young twenty-somethings sharing a car? Oh my my my, what was Dad thinking? 'Kids' don't like sharing wheels, period. What Daddy bought/is paying for, Daddy can repo at the snap of his fingers...tell Daddy that adults who don't act like adults lose Daddy perks.

Seriously, if the male child has a fiance (meaning he's planning on marriage soon) the young man is old enough to support his own vehicle and insurance...how else would he afford a wife if not?

They came for a weeks stay in your home and doing nothing but causing drama. Daddy needs to simply tell them to behave in his home or the hotel is down the road. These are not 'children', he needs to stop treating them as such and/or enabling their behavior. Only he can stand up for himself as their father and demand respect in his home along with expectations and responsibilties....if he's raised his children to grow up to be entitled manipulative disrespectful brats, he's going to have to now work harder at trying to make adults out of them.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

"He isn't happy about their behavior and is doing what he can"
*"but he can't be here all the time."*!!!???

The fact that you accept the notion that a husband would need to "be here all the time" to protect his wife from people he has let into the home is frightening.

Having to "be here all the time" sounds like something you'd expect in a neighborhood full of gangs with guns.

People indulge their darker desires only as long as the consequences are acceptable to them.
& so far I see no consequences;
indeed, these grown-up thugs get to enjoy the run of the house, which is a reward rather than a consequence.

Until daddy demands that his kids respect his wife, & backs it up by taking away the car & evicting the brats, things not only won't change, they're likely to escalate.

Since daddy hasn't given them any consequences, I'd guess he needs some consequences of his own to encourage him to act.

For instance, if someone was "mean" to my cats & my spouse didn't boot them out & roar like a lion besides, & if my spouse didn't put a stop to his children's behavior that had forced me into hiding out in my room in my own home, I think I'd give their daddy notice that I'd handle it if he didn't:

If your kid is mean to my cat, I call the police & take the report to court to get a restraining order against your kid.

If your kid bullies me, I call the police & take the report to court to get a restraining order & I change the locks.

If you dare give any of those kids a key, I change the locks again & file for divorce & keep the house & request spousal support, & you can move your hiney into an apartment & let those kids do whatever they want as long as they leave me the heck alone.

& be ready to do it.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

How long ago was this nasty divorce?


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

Thank you! It's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who see's things the same way!
About 5 days ago, while all but the oldest girl was here, Dad's kids wanted a meeting with Dad. Dad told them fine, but the meeting will include my wife. The 14 son did not attend, so it was the 24 son, his fiance (who didn't stay long, she left but we're not positive why) 21 girl and 18 girl. Dad did a great job at this little meeting, BUT... it now appears to me it was just smoke and mirrors for my sake.
Today is Saturday. On Friday, the 14 boy went with the 21 girl to the friends house where 18 girl is staying. They left without doing any chores - including making their beds. When dad got home, he called 14 boy to find out where he was, as he was supposed to be at karate lessons. He told his dad where he was - and THEN - daddy told him he could stay until 8 pm. The 21 girl finally brought him home at 9:30 pm. Dad did nothing. They kids stayed up until after 1 am. This morning around 10 am daddy opened 14 boys door and told him to get up, he was not staying up all night and sleeping all day. In the mean time, the 21 girl got dressed and ready to leave, without even making her bed, not to mention any other chores. Daddy claims he had a chat with her about doing chores while she's here (we just had that conversation on Tuesday evening!) but he let her take the car (we bought the car so the 18 girl could help get the 14 boy to where he needed to be so daddy wouldn't have to leave his office all the time to run kids around. It is NOT her car, HE and I own it.)because she told him she made a commitment to help friends with a wedding happening this evening. The 14 boy then didn't get up until 11:30 am, took a shower and took his sweet time getting outside to help daddy trim bushes on the side yard. About 1.5 hrs later, the 14 boy comes back in the house, takes a shower, then goes downstairs to the game room, where he's been for a couple hours now. His bed is not made and his room is not cleaned. Apparently that's enough for him to be allowed to go to the wedding/reception this evening. When my spouse came in the house, I asked him if his 21 girl did her chores. He said No. He gave me a brief explanation of the chat he had with her. I said "So you let her take the car anyway?' His response - 'I'll raise my kids the way I want to. You raised your kids the way you wanted to.' At that point I said 'Okay - I think I get it now. As long as no one yells, we can do pretty much anything we want or don't want to do. Okay.' I walked away. His crack about me raising my kids is sooo not applicable. My kids are in their 30's, married with families of their own, living several states away. He never had to live with my kids or even be in the same room with my kids.
I'm at my wits end. Clearly there are never going to be any consequences for their behavior. I honestly don't see how I can be expected to stay here with him under these circumstances. I am an intelligent woman. How in the world did I get myself into this mess??? And now what do I do???


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

If we could see this kind of train wreck in advance, we'd never be in a train wreck.

I think it's time to move forward with something enjoyable;
this is no way to live, & it'll get worse.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

--" 'I'll raise my kids the way I want to. You raised your kids the way you wanted to."--

With the exception of the DS14, your husband seems to fail in this statement to realize/acknowledge that his 'kids' are all already young adults...the 'raising' of the 'kids' has passed. But the statement also appears to indicate that your husband and you have very different ideas as to how 'kids' should behave and perhaps also that the lifestyles of the two household prior to joining were very different. Different expections.

For example, it sounds like his 'kids' have no issue in the world as to whether they sleep in last night's unmade bed. In your life though the idea was not even a possible. Yours rose, dressed, made the bed, tidied up their personal spaces, did any household chores needing done and then were off and about their day. His children though sounds as if they had different priorities. Unmade bed? No biggie, it was never a game breaker for them (or perhaps someone always did it for them and it was never an expectation for them).

But that is just the simple issues like personal space housekeeping. What about larger issues? You mentioned above that DD22 has refused to speak to her father since DH and you married. You also mention it was a long nasty divorce. True or not, is it possible these young adults blame you for any part of the divorce or the ins and outs of it? Realistic or not, that in itself would have laid the foundation between you and DH's children for the children. Add any lingering resentment of the divorce to the fact you have different expectations in 'homelife' than your husband does...the scenario would make the train wreak mentioned above inevitable.

I'm curious as to why the 'kids' requested the meeting with their father. By them requesting the meeting it would indicate they felt they had, legimate or not, issues to discuss with their father and areas of concern. Is it possible DH/Daddy is feeling very caught in the middle of it all and is not quite sure on how to address everyone's concerns? Perhaps tired of the constant tension coming from both sides? --" As long as no one yells, we can do pretty much anything we want or don't want to do."-- It's rather like 'as long as EVERYBODY just shutups about it all so I (husband) doesn't have to deal with it all from either side I (husband) will get through this'.

And there hangs, "wife shut-up, 'kids' stop making my wife nag at me over your behavior when I'm not home to referee, I don't know how to deal with this all and make everybody happy".

Have you considered counseling? Perhaps starting with yourself to discover what it is you really want to do and moving on then to joint if staying is what it is you decide to do. Eventually perhaps 'family' counseling. It sounds like the children have some issues they also could maybe find solutions and/or understanding and acceptance of with the help of a neutral party (professional counselor with training to help the different sides learn new ways to cope with life's difficult situations)

Short of the counseling, I don't know what else to suggest but to cut your losses and run because as it is now it all is just going to escalate to the point of destroying your marriage and/or the relationships the gentleman has with his children.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

I'm a little confused. They are guests in your house for a week (all but the 14 yo boy)? And they were given a list of chores to do before they were allowed to go anywhere?

How long ago was the divorce?


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

Just the fact that Dad "pulled rank" & shut OP down say it all;
no matter what his adult children do to her or her pets, & no matter what stupid, enabling things Dad does...
it's none of her business.

She's not a partner, she's just somebody who lives in the house.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

It could be that Dad doesn't agree with OP. I honestly think it's strange to require grown children who are staying a week in your house as guests to do chores.


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but they pick "family" status & "houseguest" status depending on what they want or don't want to do.


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Yeah, I got a bit confused on who lives there and who just stops by at whim and flops. OP indicated the 21yr got up , dressed, did not make-up bed and left...so I guess the daughter at least sleeps there on occassion.

I rather think a 21yr old occassional flopper would be worse than a fulltime live-in when it comes to not making-up her bed. Up and away she goes, who knows when to return and in the meantime a messy bed sits in your home. Choice is to make it up for the irresponsible brat or look at it for who knows how long. Obviously Daddy thinks that's ok. Pfft. Least Daddy could do is go in then and clean up after his little slob. This is not a hotel. No maid is coming in to do it.

Exact chores were not mentioned for this parttime flopper (or the week 'guest'). If she thought I'd be cleaning up her shower mess, doing her laundry left behind and/or straightening up the breakfast/lunch for her 'because Daddy wants to raise his kids the way he wants to', I can tell you the tolerance for it at my house would be zip. 'Kids' playing video games half the night could also indicate a familyroom full of dirty dishes and popcorn scattered all over the floor. Again, who is going to clean it up or have to look at the mess aka undone chore until the next 'visit'.

And yes, if an adult child (step or bio) was staying with me for a week, I would have expectations of them doing simple routine clean-up after themselves 'chores', own laundry ect. I'm no ones maid and my home is not a hotel. I suppose the difference would be that I would not of had to have a meeting over it, nor label it 'chores' and remind them of it.


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I am no one's maid either, but I don't expect guests to make up a bed. Close the door to that bedroom till they leave.


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The difference for that for me, KK, is my children are not particularly 'guest' in my home...when they do sleep over still it's considered the 'children are home' for a visit. But I usually fork over for a hotel room for them so I can have my privacy and they theirs. I would not occur to my own children not to make their own bed in my home whether here for the night or a week though. My children have been making their beds since gradeschool...it's just common routine for them (with the exception of my oldest bio-son who went through a 'meh, who cares if my bed is not made' spell during his teens and yes, then I closed the door)

Even while visiting my children just routinely wait on themselves, jump in and help out ect. It would never occur to me though to make a chore list for the visitors whether actual guest or my children. My only real expectation of 'guest' nonchildren in my home is they use manners and pick-up after themselves. Luckily, I guess, I've never been disappointed and had a visitor fail, at least in the common living areas. I have no idea if the 'guest' visitors made their bed every morning as I of course did not stick my head in the guest rooms to find out and/or check...I respect visitors privacy of their 'borrowed space' while in my home. If a guest visitor left my home after a stay a mess I likely would not invite them back often if at all. It's common courtesy to be mindful of not leaving work for one's host to do other than typical tasks of tidying up and putting things back in order.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

"I have no idea if the 'guest' visitors made their bed every morning as I of course did not stick my head in the guest rooms to find out and/or check...I respect visitors privacy of their 'borrowed space' while in my home"

This exactly -- why OP is making a federal case out of unmade beds by young adults or teens is beyond me, and likely beyond her DH.

Still waiting to hear from OP how old and cold this divorce is.


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--"why OP is making a federal case out of unmade beds by young adults or teens is beyond me, and likely beyond her DH."--

I rather wondered that myself on the yardwork bit. If my husband was waiting for son to get up and outside to help, I'd pretty much figure that's their problem (and I am the bio-mom of the last son still in home). My husband is capable of getting Jr up and out when he wants help. I could see myself (which, yeah, has happened) picking up my purse and keys and heading out the door to run errands, have lunch and perhaps check out a few sales. If hubby was still sitting on the porch waiting for Jr to help or having done the work by himself when I got home, I'd pretty much not give a hoot...husband as I stated already is capable of dealing with any disrespect/behavorial issues between father/son all by himself. He doesn't need my 2 cents about it.

But again, I think for OP it goes back to expectations. The lax expectaions in her new home are intolerable to her. She's use to children doing things her way and doing them promptly on her command. That worked for her in her old home, raising her own children...but it does not seem to be the way Daddy runs his home, nor appears he desires to (per their latest agrument between Daddy/OP). It rather seems silly and unproductive to me to be all in a fluster over a kid not being 'punished' for doing exactly what Daddy allowed them to do. Unless it personally affects OP what goes on between father/children are IMO between Daddy and 'kids'. If there is overly dramatics in the home perhaps forcing your own expectations and parenting ideas onto someone (husband) who does not desire your assistance in that area could be part of the problem rather than any type of solution.

--" The only thing that makes sense to me now is to totally ignore them - have nothing to do with them at all."--

That's pretty much what the attitude should be when it comes to how Daddy finds it acceptable and has less expectations...let their father deal with them, not your 'kid' not your problem. If it does not affect you, why engage in it? But totally ignoring the children while they are in your home as long as they are being polite to you yourself while they try interactng with you will backfire in OP's face. I think deciding to remain but then treating them as the enemy and pretending they are not there because their father and they have different expectations and lifestyles than OP would be a mistake. Either work on a compromising harmony agreement between husband and you in the home together or cut your loses. Nobody is happy in a war zone or having to accept what to them are intolerable situations.

I guess it kinda makes me wonderful how all these people got along during the meet and date period (hmmmm, now that KK mentions it, I wonder how long this period was) and why it was carried on into a married joint household if things were so intolerable for the OP from the get-go (these 'kids' did not develop terrible habits ...terrible in her opinion... over night nor did Daddy suddenly become a more tolerating parent with lax rules). If the OP knew there were major issues in expectations and parenting styles that she would not be able to live with but actually thought once she had a ring on her finger she'd change it all to her liking she's rapidly discovered differently. People, lifestyles and expectations don't instantly change just because a couple says 'I do'. If there is any chance (which she has not answered to as of yet) that OP was TOW and/or played any part in a 'nasty' divorce tossed in with the already different expectations of children and lifestyles, I can't imagine how OP thought this joint household was going to be a good idea.

I'd think real hard about taking my cats and moving back into my old house (hopefully not sold yet)and considering the counseling idea. As OP states she is an intelligent woman, is not happy in the mess she got herself into.. and really, life is too short to spend it trying to change people and living unhappy...I'd take a step back and rereview what it is I'd gotten myself into and what I'm going to do about it. As it is now, it does not sound as if husband plans on parenting any differently just to suit your preferences (which he appears to not share based on his own statement) nor stepping up his already set expecations of his 'kids'.

I wish the OP good luck and do have to suggest that she needs to stand back and look in a mirror to see if perhaps she herself is causing part of the stress and tension occuring in the home. One must realize sometimes that changes have to come from within one's self before one can expect changes in others.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

For clarification -

Their divorce was over 2 years ago.

He & I met/dated 1 year & 9 months ago; married 8 months.

HE TOLD ME his kids had chores, were respectful, etc. Apparently they were all on their best behavior... until I married daddy and moved in. YES - he and I had numerous conversations in regards to kids, rules etc, as well as money, family, religion, work ethics, - everything I could think of. I was single for well over 13 years before I married him.

The 14 boy lives with us full time. His mother is a whole other nightmare story. I stay out of it.

The 18 girl was living with us until she threw her temper tantrum and moved out. She leaves for college the same week in September as the 21 girl leaves.

The the 21 girl is living at our home until she leaves for a mission for her church for 1.5 years. She plans to return to college after that. As a member of a family unit, I believe it is totally appropriate for her to do chores. She drives the car daddy and I paid for, as well as paying the insurance too.

The Chores - The chore Chart daddy made - not me. The chores are very easy, not time consuming and simple. Make your bed, pick up after yourself; Kitchen - rinse the dinner dishes and put in the dishwasher and turn it on, sweep the floor and damp mop if needed; Clean your bathroom; Do your laundry.
The kitchen is extremely easy - literally, all they have to do is rinse the diner dishes off and put in the dishwasher and turn it on. I wash, dry and put away everything I use to make the dinners as I go, so they aren't asked to wash pots/pans. Simply the dishes used to eat the meal with. I unload the dishwasher the next morning.

The biggest issue is their sense of entitlement - and yes, it's daddy's fault because that's how he's raised them. I do not think footing the bill for adult children is in their best interest or ours. He continues to pay for every kids cell phone - including the married girl. The vehicles they drive are ours. We pay the insurance on them. He has finally told them they need to pay for the gas they use, but I don't know if he's sticking to that or not. The only reason he told them that is because we are broke because his ex-wife continues to drag him into court. He had a call yesterday from his lawyer and now he has to go back to court because she wants to change the location they meet at to trade the 14 boy every Thursday and every other weekend. They had nothing worth fighting over and only the custody of the 14 boy, but she's cost us over 35k so far just this year in legal nonsense.

Based on the information I was given, observations and promises made, my expectations are quite reasonable.

Did I mention daddy is OCD about germs? I use a lot of hand sanitizer, always have - I have severe asthma, so I have to be extremely careful. A cold can put me in the hospital and a flu could kill me.

Did I mention I was hospitalized for asthma this year - from an attack from the perfume his 18 girl used. Ya, daddy didn't want to tell his little darlings not to use perfumes, colognes or anything with fragrance because 'they like to smell nice'. It took me having a quite dangerous attack before daddy told the little darlings no smelly stuff. I rarely go anywhere alone because I have no sense of smell - even if I did, by the time I smelled something, it would be too late. I wear a lot of masks and take a nebulizer with meds everywhere I go.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

"He has finally told them they need to pay for the gas they use".

My Daddy told me the same thing...

when I was 15 years old.

Please don't risk your health or maybe your life trying to reason this guy into being...reasonable.

as far as encouraging a daughter to wear perfume when it can land a spouse in the hospital, or worse-
If he's the beneficiary of any of your life insurance, you might want to change that.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

If you resent paying for the kid's stuff, you should talk to DH and go with seperate finances (which I think is a good idea for many older couples - your kids are done with college, his are not).

I think you need to decide what is imporant (perfume) v not so important (making beds, gardening with dad).


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

Sylvie, I do not think Dad encouraged the girl to wear perfume, he just didnt tell them not to. There is a difference. Although I agree, he should have explained to them.


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--"daddy didn't want to tell his little darlings not to use perfumes, colognes or anything with fragrance because 'they like to smell nice'"--

*gasp*

--"The chore Chart daddy made - not me. The chores are very easy, not time consuming and simple. Make your bed, pick up after yourself; Kitchen - rinse the dinner dishes and put in the dishwasher and turn it on, sweep the floor and damp mop if needed; Clean your bathroom; Do your laundry."--

*gasp*

Imagine that, a father actually requesting his adult children who are still sponging off him to clean THEIR OWN bathroom, do THEIR OWN laundry, and pick-up after THEMSELVES.

In my world, my still living at home DS25 not only does these things, but he pays rent (a small amount since age 18). I have no clue what my DS25 pays for insurance or even his car payment as he purchased the vehicle on his own credit approval and pays his own bills. I did just offer to help him out , if needed, this month with a medical bill (he had a biopsy on a small growth on his skin the same week he took out a deer in a herd of deer crossing the rural road)...but I assume he did not need any assistance and covered it all between health and car insurance and his own bank account as he did not take me up on my offer. He is using my pick-up truck for a couple weeks while his is in the body shop, but my husband just tossed DS the keys, son did not ask. I did though just add a small chunk of cash to his savings account I have for him (which he has no idea I have for him) so his extra expenses he's had does not take away from his upcoming marriage and setting up house needs. Unknown to him his rent all these years have been banked for him to receive back when he leaves home.

I realize all families do things in different ways, but it just boggles my mind that an adult child has to be asked to clean their own bathroom and do their own laundry, let alone be asked to pick-up after themselves.

For the immediate time being, unless in your case, the bedrooms, their private bathroom and their laundry causes a health issue for you, I think I'd be done worrying about whether the little slobs keep up their personal areas or not. If they don't have clean clothes, who cares...it's their problem. They can keep their dirty laundry in their messy rooms with the door closed I assume they'll get around to doing something about it when they're down to their last pair of clean panties. As far as the kitchen, the 'chore list' for that area is not unrealistic...the attitude of cook for me and clean up after I eat mentality, pfft. They can assist or the restaurant is down the street. How do these 'kids' survive away at school or how will the SD21 fend for herself during her upcoming mission?

I am a bit surprised at all the 'we, we, we' in your financial information. I do hope you took some precautions in protecting your pre-martial assests. It rather sounds like this family could bleed you dry (if they don't kill you first, the perfume incident was just totally unexcusable and you can't blame the girl if she didn't know, that one is on Daddy). And KK has a good point in that husband and yours finances should be separate now. I've no idea what the laws in your state are, but I think you should speak to a lawyer and see what can be done to protect yourself. At the rate it appears things are going right now, all your income on top of husband's is going to pay his court fights and supporting his (all but one) adult children. That's certainly not a good situation to be in. Husband's words of 'you raised yours now let me raise mine' ring real hollow when you seem to be a big part of the bank around there.

Do you really think things will get any better or homelife will be any different come the end of September when the two SDs leave? I'm not so sure much will be different (except a few less people in the very middle of it all). it sounds like what you were lead to believe you were getting into is not the reality of it at all. I'm actually still going with 'take your kitties and run'. You were happy enough and supported yourself for at least 13 yrs prior to all this. You don't need this drama and financial hardship. Only you can decide if this is really what you want your life to be at least in the short term if not long term future. The lingering still dependent adult children still very much a part of Daddy's daily life likely indicates the SS14 will be around (and very dependent and full of entitlement) for perhaps the next ten years.


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RE: Difficult Situation with His kids

JMT, I think with the chores, it may be that dad felt he was pushed to do this, and honestly, starting with make your bed is absurd. I agree with no one wants to come into a dirty kitchen, but someone elses's room? Close the frigging door. That's what I meant when I said that OP has to decide on what is really important.

I do agree with seperate finances. Hontestly, if I got remarried at this point in my life, I wouldnt feel it should be on me to educate a kid who didnt grow up in my household. Many people have his/mine and ours money, with both putting into one pot only enough to run the shared expenses (household). Thinks like car for his kids, college, are on him.


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