Step funeral etiquette
lamom
13 years ago
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ocarina
13 years agoRelated Discussions
Divorce etiquette
Comments (11)Mama died on Saturday. True to his form, Ed said, "I don't want you at the funeral. If you come I won't go." Selfish and threatening to the bitter end. But, funerals are for the living and she knew I loved her and cared about her. I talked with the sibs who know how I feel. When I told Ed "I wasn't going for you", he said, "Well do this for me." He had me there, I do care about him and I do want to do this for him. I would've been there to pay my respects, bring LF, and be there for the brothers and sisters I've had for so long. It's disappointing, but he needs his space and I get it. He relaxed a bit and could see my true intentions. I just looked at him and said, "Ed, she has been a part of my life for ten years. I care about her and she did me. She never said an unkind word about me or to me." Feeling more secure in his vulnerability, he said "they" asked him to tell a bit about her. He smiled and said, "I'm lost. I don't know what to say. I know she never said a curse word. Well, three times, but two of them weren't real and she loved three things. She loved her husband, painting, and Germany..." "...and she loved her kids." He let me finish the sentence. "You only saw her tipsy once. She really enjoyed that party Ed (it combined all those things, except painting). And you two share those things." He's never really felt like he connected with her but he did, so what I said meant something to him I think. I guess my support came in a different way than I'd ever have imagined. He got in his car, kinda slumped over, and then drove off. As he drove off, he gave his thanks by meeting me on our level, something he didn't do enough in our marriage, "Hey! Don't make fun of my car!", he said jokingly. What can I say? We are both car nuts, his car is a POS, so how can I not?! :)...See MoreFuneral Etiquette
Comments (29)Tina, the will is "share and share alike" and my dh is the Executor. For legal reasons I don't understand, there is no need for probate. We own her home and car, all that's left is her personal belongings. Plus, dh is an attorney and he knows the legal ways of probate. SIL did not "share and share alike." With both brother's permission, SIL and I did divide my MIL embroidery stitchings and her depression glass. We didn't want those things to go to strangers. (We're going to auction off her personal belongings like furniture and stuff) My MIL had about 5 or 6 items that were antiques that came down through the family. Those are the items that are important to share evenly. But SIL didn't do that. She took two items without even talking to my husband and his brother! That doesn't include stealing the flowers. DH was around her today at MIL's house. He said SIL was in a very "sour" mood towards him. Which means she did get a new one ripped from her dh, and that she's mad she got caught and I didn't "cover her back" like she asked me to do, and that I also ratted on her. Why she feels like she and her daughters are entitled to these things just baffles me. I gently tried to explain all of this to her on the phone Saturday morning, how it's not up to she and I to divide ANYTHING, that it's up to the brothers. She just didn't get it. In fact, she kind of cussed to me. lol. One of the items was a handstitched quilt that my dh's grandmother did (she's like a Saint in our family) years and years ago, and she also stitched her name in the middle of the quilt. SIL took it without permission! When I mentioned this to her on the phone (again, I was very gentle and nice and tactful to her) she said to me, "Well I'll just bring the f***ing quilt back then." She said that several times. I kept telling her "No, keep it, what's done is done." She didn't bring the quilt back nor the antique butter churn, after my husband told her specifically to NOT take the butter churn until he and his brother sat and figured out who gets what. But she still took it, the day after my MIL died!!!! Brothers are doing fine now, doing great in fact! My problem is she was my best friend and she sees me as ratting her out and not having her back. My dh said, "she wanted you to betray your own husband!" and he was nearly in tears when he said that. So I'll be the scapegoat to what SHE did. She can't admit what she did was wrong. I took a couple of things from the house (maybe $10 in value) on Monday, and when I got home I apologized profusely to my dh for doing it and I had no problem in returning the things. He said it's okay but he was very appreciative of me owning up to it and seeing how wrong I was. My SIL simply cannot do that. He said I ought to call her. Huh uh. I'm too chicken. She is MAD! lol...See MoreI think we can all benfit from a little forum etiquette
Comments (6)The Internet is a place where folks who ordinarily could never speak can socialize to their hearts content. Seme to me there are several good things about that ability and at least two not so good things. One not so good thing is the anonymity---you have absolutely no good way to verify who is actually typing what you read. And, along with that facelessness people find it much easier to sweep normal face to face social rules aside---after all, how does one get back at a person in a computer? The second not so good thing is related to the anonymity---how do we actually decifer exactly what a person means when they use only words? Human conversation relies heavily on manerisms---- facial expressions, hand gestures, and vocal inflection. When print is all there is, all those modifiers are absent and words/phrases can easily be read/defined differently by everyone who reads them. One other item---internet legends(old wives tales) have created an entire new false/true data base---causing several folks to start debunking websites in an attempt to correct the spread of these stories. Believe it or not, I am the Senior Moderator for an internet woodworkers website---with some 28,000+ members. It is my duty to make sure anyone who breaks the four simply rules we have found it necessary to initiate gets the appropriate correction. So far, we have permanently banned(denied access) over 200 former members because they could not be nice and cease attacking(verbally) other members. That has boggled the mind of the forum administrator---whose initial rules were---Be Nice, Stay on topic, and Have Fun. I agree whole heartedly forums need minimum rules of operation/decency. What is the actual result is that a certain number of people just do not interpret what is printed in the same manner and have different reactions. I also feel incorrect information should be corrected. In woodworking, incorrect information can result in a severe mistake. When incorrect information is given about pets, pets can suffer. Then there is the area of belief. I have certain beliefs about dogs, mostly from 50+ years of owning/working with them. These beliefs are now facts for me, proven by repetition and modification---since no two dogs are exactly alike. But there are people who vilify me for these beliefs, even when they have no idea of who I am or what experience I have----simply because they have their own beliefs---and those beliefs do not agree with mine. It is not easy to exchange ideas when people do not listen and consider information. The definition of conversation is the exchange of ideas---if one soide does not at least consider the other persons information, there is only a lecture and no education....See Moredon't want my S/D at my father's funeral
Comments (56)The problem is always trying to find the answer to who is right and who is wrong. The "right thing to do", if what you are looking to do is improve your relationships is to stop trying to make everything so black and white. Sometimes you are right, sometimes somebody else is right. That is the nature of relationships. Unfortunately, if you can't get past all of the percieved wrongs somebody else has done to you, you will not move on and your relationship will not change. Thurman is on here seeking advice, but everytime he gets advice that he doesn't want to hear, he ignores it. If he would try to get past whatever beef he has with his SD and if he starts to see her as she truly is, he would be much better off, and so would she. It doesn't matter what she does, in Thurman's eyes, it is never right. If she did something nice for Thurman, he would view it as being underhanded and for some alternative purpose. Colleen...I agree with kkny and finedreams that anybody who wants to send a card and to whomever, it's nobody's business exept for the sender and the reciever. So, if you sent a nice card to you SD's inlaws and she blew up at you over that and only that (and nothing else), then you are right and she is wrong. However, what difference does that really make? Why dwell on that? Why not try to move forward and try to make the relationship better instead of focusing on who is right or wrong?...See Morefinedreams
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