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Can't love SS7

Posted by kdillon2504 (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 18, 11 at 18:15

this forum has been an absolute god-send for me. I always thought I was the only one who struggles to love (even like) my SS7. He's mostly an ok kid, not defiant or hostile ever. However, I still don't like him. He gets on my nerves for every little thing. My DH and I have been living together for a year and dating for much longer. What's been bothering me most lately is that SS has been displaying inappropriate physical affection for his father, starting with putting his body between me and DH all the time. Even in the grocery store, etc. If DH is talking to me, SS interrupts either with a new topic or misbehavior that derails our adult conversation. SS holds DH's hand whenever we're out in public. He's even gone so far as to knock my hand out of DH's to hold it. A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY holding his daddy's hand in public???? In the evenings, I cannot share a couch with DH because SS will slither between us. So I sit elsewhere, and SS is free to full-body rub up against his father, front to front, nuzzling his face into daddy's chest and lap, constantly squirming and rubbing his body all over daddy. Just short of actually humping his father. GROSS. It's like when SS is around, DH is daddy, and I'm supposed to bow at the shrine of SS too, and when SS isn't around, DH is back to DH.
In all other ways SS behaves like daddy's little princess, needing help with things he can totally do (emptying bathroom trash that he's done a thousand times? please), and staring at me with a look like I'm not speaking English. Wide eyed and confused. DH says all this weirdly inappropriate affection is because SS is jealous of the affection DH gives me. But We've lived together a YEAR and he's only become this way the last couple of months. DH says it's because SS is realizing I'm permanent. This sounds like bs to me.
He will occasionally throw an actual tantrum, like on Father's Day, he literally screamed, thrashed, yelled, cried, begged for his mommy, flung himself on the ground, ALL DAY. For TEN HOURS. No kidding. I was baffled he had that kind of stamina. DH thinks this behavior is HILARIOUS.
Worst of all, he has a HORRIFIC speech impediment (his therapist says he's finally reached the level of a 3 year old!)He can barely do L, can't do R, CH, SH, TH. He's nearly intelligible, and neither DH nor BM think there's any problem. DH says, he'll grow out of it. SS has NO interest in improving. He says he "wikes vuh way he tawks".
BM is overly permissive and indulgent, so SS thinks the world was created to serve him, and that him and his thoughts are more important than anyone else's, and what he wants is what should be. He can't fathom it any other way.
I can't stand to be around this kid and try to make myself scarce when he's around. This infuriates DH, who feels I should be doting on daddy's princess just like his mother does. DH insists I show SS all the affection and approval of a mother, without any of that pesky discipline or correction. Let me be clear, I'm not mean to this kid, he gets all the benefits my kids get, they get a popsicle, he does too, etc. I take good care of him and am pleasant with him, but it's not enough for DH. This is a real problem for him, even though he doesn't feel the need to love my girls the way expects me to love his son. There's always a "legitimate" reason: they're older, they're girls, they don't have the BM SS does.
I have a new job, and coincidentally, DH's working hours have changed, so we are going to have a problem picking SS up from his school. DH says he can't leave work early, so I'll have to. I said I won't jeopardize my job for that, and DH flew off the handle about how he's SORRY if his SON is such a BURDEN for me. Then went on to tell me how both of our jobs are important.... respectively. MY job is important to ME, but his job pays his bills, so...you read between the lines. I won't lose my job for this kid; I've already lost my sense of my place in life.
I fear that this issue is going to tear the "family" apart. Double standards for our kids is the worst. I think that plays as much of a problem in my loving SS as anything else.
Things are going south and I'm not sure I even care anymore.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Can't love SS7

also, is it awful of me that I HATE this kid's name? When my ex and I were discussing baby names, that name was completely, unquestionably off the table. I hate it. I hate going out in public with him, and calling him that ugly name, and having people think *I* named him that. Silly I know, but there it is.


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RE: Can't love SS7

How often is SS at his fathers house? What's the visitation schedule?

You 'hate' his name? Like it or not, it is his name and it's pretty petty to cringe each time you hear it or to suspect people are snickering at YOU when they hear it.

How much od the 'public' display of affection coming from your interact and display with DH when child is around? Perhaps child feels this is correct way to get Daddy's atention if he sees you do it?

Just thoughts.

There has to be something that triggered the over affection bit to suddenly emerge.

Speech? They usually id real speech problems in school and either give speech therapy through special education or refer to outside sources. What does his teachers/school say about his speech and is it a permament disabilty?


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RE: Can't love SS7

First I would agree with you, double standards are wrong.
That said as far as your SS, he didn't ask to be born with a speech impediment and apparently is seeing a speech therapist. Does the therapist feel as though this is completely correctable? Also your SS didn't choose to have divorced parents but he has to live it too. Do your children live with and your DH? Does SS come weekends and a few vacations? If so he could be reacting to see his daddy be full time dad to others and not him. (just a thought) Also he could be picking up on your lack of caring about him. Is his name something horrible or just a name you personally don't like? If the latter I do think it sounds petty.


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RE: Can't love SS7

SS lives with us half time, mon&tues and alternating FSS. my pda w DH is minimal. Occasional handholding, and I certainly don't grind on him in common family areas. There has been no increase in the level of pda between me n DH lately. If anything it's decreased to the point of non existence. Perfect and most obvious example: moments ago, DH was on one sofa, SS on another, n I came up behind DH n hugged him n kissed his temple, n SS almost tripped over himself running over to fling himself on his father. To his credit DH told him to back off. My physical affection with DH is virtually non existent when SS is around due to incidents like this. Frustrating.
About the name, I KNOW it's petty of me, but I can't help it. It's even a relatively common name (idk that it's appropriate to mention in forum?)
SS sees a speech therapist at school for an hour once a week and is usually sent back to class for being uncooperative.
I realize that there is little materially "wrong" with this little boy, yet he grates on my nerves horribly. I am hoping for some insight. I appreciate real honesty about what I'm doing wrong and genuinely wish to improve myself and my attitude. "reality checks" are welcome. Thanks, n keep em coming.


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RE: Can't love SS7

How long have you been 'married'
Not living together but married? I'm just curious.

I agree with JMT on everything.

I also think it sounds like maybe SS is picking up on your public displays of affection. Maybe he feels like he has to do these things to get Dad's attention since it works for you.

I don't think it's odd for a 7 yr old child to hold hands with either parent in public. In fact we hold hands because it's safe. And I don't really care if anyone looks at us or comments. My kids have been raised to hold hands and it's second nature now.

I also think the name thing is petty. I can't think of any names that repulse me other than my ex's wife's name... My Dh comes from a long line of a certain name and I didn't really want to carry on that name because I wanted a cool, unique name for my son... But it doesn't make me sick when I hear other people say the name. I think maybe you should seek some counseling to find why you have the feelings you have.

This poor kid can't catch a break. He has speech problems, he has enablers as parents, a SM that can't stand him nor the sound of his name HE is stuck with because his parents picked that for him.. Sounds like dad doesn't give him enough attention and maybe what you are doing by being 'away' when he is around is going to help dad be dad and spend time with his son.

Also, if dad can't pick up kid, then it's mom's job. Not SMs job. Tell your Dh that HIS mother will need to get him. If it doesn't work out to have visitation because dad has a new schedule a work, then maybe dad needs to make some changes to his visitation so that it works around his schedule. He can pick kid up at mom's when he gets off work.


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RE: Can't love SS7

--"SS sees a speech therapist at school for an hour once a week and is usually sent back to class for being uncooperative".--

Not to be belitting of PS theraptist, Dad might want to see about having son seen by a more advanced specialist. What does child's dentist say about formation of mouth? I'm not sure what you mean by uncooperative in school speech class. In what way? Does teacher have more than one student per session in room? Is teacher saying child is not listening/following directions and/or putting forth sincere effort, or that perhaps child is having trouble making conection between instruction and ability? Your statement above " He's mostly an ok kid, not defiant or hostile ever" seems to conflict with being an uncooperative kid.

Child had no intentions of clinging on Dad until you first did. Then kid makes a run at Dad. For whatever reason has set it off, the child sounds to indeed be fighting for Dad's attention. Could child be picking up on your disgust (you hate his name, you hate the way he talks, you dislike sharing dad with a small child)? The more he might be sensing you dislike him or are a theat to his bond with his father (kids are much more perceptive than usually given credit for) the more the child will indeed fight you. Something has triggered this child to feel he must 'fight' for his father's attention if this clingy stuff is new. Could it simply be he knows his father loves him unconditionaly where as you resent and dislike just about everything about the child...has your dislike of child increased in the same timeframe that child's need to be proved 'loved' by Dad increased? Only you can hojestly answer that.

And no. No names. It does not matter what his name is. His name is whatever his parents gave him and I'm sure his father would be hurt to know whatever it is it makes you cringe. I have no clue, nor does it matter, which parent choose the child's name, but it is what it is. The child can no more help having the name he has than the speech defect he has. Neither are the child's fault. You can't seriously think the child is not picking up on all the dislikes you have for him...kid's aren't dumb and body langauge speaks far louder than words.

So, out of curiousity, what do you think would make things 'better' at your house? What do you want to see happen to make everything 'ok' in your viewpoint?

Confused on this statement "my DH and I have been living together for a year and dating much longer"...how long have you been married? And how did you feel about this child pre marrying and moving in with DH?


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RE: Can't love SS7

JMT again - you seem to have the best questions and point of view. You brought up something that triggered a thought for me.

When my Dh was a young child starting school. He was constantly sent to the principles office and was a 'trouble' maker. Would not do work, wasn't paying attention etc. He was always in trouble. He was 'paddled' once by a teacher. It was then that his parents found out that he had hearing loss in both ears. About 30%. He couldn't pay attention because he could not hear. Once he received hearing aides he started doing better in school and excelled. He only has about 25% hearing now. He has to see your face to read your lips and sometimes his boss gets frustrated with him because he migh be turned away from him and he won't understand and has to stop and ask to have it repeated. My Dh is a highly educated, professional man and he overcame being that 'bad' kid who was uncooperative in school, with some help and some understanding. More importantly having parents who loved him and cared about him enough to help him get through that. Unfortunately hearing is not considered a disability but for my Dh it very much is a disability. He wears hearing aides but that doesn't make it perfect. He has a bit of a lisp but it's because he went years not hearing and he really tries to correct it on his own but when he is tired or has worked a long day, he starts lisping and slurring a bit. People don't understand what he goes through. So the same for this little boy. His speech is a problem and is annoying for stepmom probably for many others as well. Not something he can help or control.

I don't understand people that can't stand the child of the man/woman they married. I know this is the case for many here and I'm not knocking anyone. I have read this on many threads, mom and dad raised kids to be this way. You wouldn't raise your kids this way but you would marry someone with such different parenting styles than you; is there hope they will change or 'learn' from your great example of how a child should be raised? I dont get it. Why not just get out and find someone else? I don't believe in 'soul mates' or that there is someone for everyone. I believe there are more fish in the sea and if you aren't happy go find something to make you happy and save yourself AND the kids. People don't change that much. I have changed so I know there is room for change but the person has to be willing to change not made or expected to change. And they have to do it on their own. I love my Dh and I am happy with him. If I wasn't, I wouldn't stay.

As far as the name, I wish I knew what the name was because maybe it is awful. But that goes back to the dad. Why would you marry someone that came up with the most hideous name?? And I really hope the answer isn't 'well the mom named him that, dad had nothing to do with it' because that is just a crock of crap.


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RE: Can't love SS7

hating one's name is ridiculous, I think naming is subjective. it is awful for you yet it is nice for someone else. my brother has a colleague who told him that if he had a classmate with my nephew's name he would beat him up because the name is so pretentious. Can you believe the guy actually said that??? My nephew's name is very nice, I love it. nothing pretentious about it. and my mother's acquittance asked about my SO's name "what kind of name is that, can't even pronounce it". this is ridiculous!!!! what's awful for you, is great for others. i had people commenting on my mother's name, on my DD's brother's name, on my DD's name etc etc I guess if one is not Mary or John, it must be an awful name. how stupid!

and disliking a child because he has mental/physical/emotional disabilities or difficulties is bizarre.

now in regards of you taking time off work to pick up SS, it is unnecessary. Mom and dad should be doing it. not your job.

i have the same question, how long have you been married?


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RE: Can't love SS7

--"It's even a relatively common name"--

...or so we're told, so at least the little guy does not have to feel many others besides his SM has too many issues with it. A relatively common name can't be all that bad that crowds would point and laugh thinking OP named this child. Odds are child won't be the only Little _______ on any rollcall list. It would appear OP just dislikes the name...lucky for children that relatively many other parents find nothing horrible or funny about it.

As before said, no names, but it's be interesting to see what all here think of the 'special' names you did deem appropriate to name your own girls. I'm sorry, but cringing at a 'relatively common' name is just as PO1 said, ridiculous and petty.


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Pick-up

I went off to get a coffee and hit submit before intending LOL.

Who was picking child up Monday and Tuesday pre now? If jobs/hours have changed so must whatever current agreement be mutually discussed between parents. Things change, new agreements must be made. Does not matter that DH thinks his paycheck is more important than yours...he has an agreement with BM and it is he who has had his own work schedule changed. Perhaps he can look into afterschool daycare or if BM does not already have something on her agenda he could pick child up later from her home.

How much older are your girls and how do they get home after school on the days DH/you are working? Has job changes/schedules affected the girls getting home? I would think unless these girls are much older than SS that you'd be having the same problem transporting them as the SS...grade school, Jr High and High schools pretty much get out within short time spans of each other in communities.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Unless someone's name mean something completely weird like boy names "A$$" or "Butt-cheak", I don't think names should bother anyone. Actually even if names mean something ridiculous in one language, it could be very innocent in other cultures. I had comments that my mother's name sounds like a parasite or a disease (even though it is not uncommon name), and my DD's brother's name means a poison (it means nothing like that in language it is named), my nephew's name is from a cartoon character (not in the culture where the name comes from). Most of my SO's family have names that I could neither pronounce nor memorize. After 5 years with SO I still do not say his name right (lack of particular sound), and my family often misspells it on invitations.

But it is OUR problem not name holders. So it is OP's problem she dislikes the name, not this boy's.

In fact as justmetoo I would like to know names of OP's girls so I can make fun of the names. LOL JK


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RE: Can't love SS7

I understand the OP's frustrations, and have dealt with very similar issues over the last 9 years. When I met DH, SS was 7 years old. He was a very clingy, needy child who demanded constant attention and usually got it from his father. Like the OP's SS, he behaved as if he was the centre of the universe (and was treated as if he was!) and, in fact, still believes that today. He also displayed very inappropriate physical affection with his father, especially when I was around.

SS had learned this behavior from his mother who would be on him like flies on S#!T whenever she came to pick him up for visitation....no exaggeration, it would be full body contact -- legs and arms wrapped around while covering his face and neck with kisses. I can't tell you how disturbed I was by this, but DH had no idea it was inappropriate. Anyway, after a lot of discussion with DH, he realized that it was in SS's best interest socially to be less physically affectionate and gently over a few months conveyed that message to SS, although SS still behaved inappropriately with BM, who encouraged it, especially in public.

One thing that really disturbs me about this post is the mocking tone of the OP's discription of this child's speech impediment. It seems very immature to me that you would actually focus in on that and the fact that you hate his name. You seem to be judging him in a very negative way, and basing his "value" on his disability, as well as his parents' "unfortunate?" choice of name.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not judging you. There are many days when I can't stand the sight of SS16 especially since he's become a teenage know-it-all who thinks he has the answers to all the mysteries of the universe. BUT, we all live together is this house. DH loves his son very much, and I love my DH. Therefore, I accept some things about SS that I know I would not have accepted from my own son (32). And the sooner I realized this fact, the happier I became.

Your SS is 7, clearly not old enough to make cognitive decisions to alienate you. His behavior now is based on his upbringing before you were in the picture. It's not his fault. He has no control over his name -- he's stuck with it, and if you will have to accept it. Based on my own experience, those negative, judgmental feelings you have toward this child now, will only become stronger as the child grows older. Be honest with yourself and determine whether you will ever even like this child sometime down the line...if you can't imagine it, then get out now.


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RE: Can't love SS7

My SS is nine and still prefers to sit between DH and I when we're watching a movie.

I understand what you mean, kdillon, I was a bit taken aback in the beginning when SS would plop down right in between us. But we quickly realized that, at least in our case, SS wasn't so much trying to displace me as making sure that he got his fair share of snuggles and attention - and SS prefers a lot of snuggles. Now, years later, SS is just as likely to snuggle up with me as with DH - but he's almost certainly going to be in there somewhere. That's fine, the poor kid has already had more to deal with than a child should, and it seems to make him feel happy and secure. DH and I will have the rest of our lives to sit with just the two of us, but SS will only be a kid for a couple of years (soon enough he'll be a teenager, and I am sure I will long for the days when he'd curl up with me.)

Do you think that any of your disdain for SS is actually misplaced anger towards DH and/or BM? Thinking an hours-long temper tantrum is funny? Ignoring a speech problem? What are they thinking?! This child needs help! Add that to the "my job is more important than yours" attitude of your DH and I can understand why you're frustrated, angry and worried - but it's not really fair to take it out on your SS. How can he be expected to know better or behave better when his parents do not seem to be doing the best job of raising him to know better?

You all need counseling. Marital counseling, family counseling, even individual counseling would be better than nothing - something, and as soon as possible.

Assuming that you get some of the underlying issues addressed, here's what you may have to look forward to in another couple of years. Almost all of the affection and attention "problems" are things that SS did - and now, several years later, many of them are perks. Yes, SS sometimes still interrupts - both DH and myself. SS still sits between us. SS also yells "Family Hug!" if DH and I are hugging and runs to squeeze both of us. DH likes to dance with me if a good song comes on the radio - and now SS will do it. He'll "waltz" me around the living room until I'm dizzy. He'll hug me and tell me he loves me "just because".

I hope it works out for you all.


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RE: Can't love SS7

--"My DH and I have been living together for a year and dating for much longer.

But We've lived together a YEAR and he's only become this way the last couple of months."--

But ladyQ, the child did not come into this relationship this way (too affectionate, extreme displays) it is a recent new behavior. In your situation the behavior had been taught and long thought acceptable, that's not what OP is stating here with the 'last couple of months' behavior.

And just because it's gotta be said...there are days parents look at their own children (ones even raised in not divorced/blended families) and think 'how the heck did I get you'...while I love my children dearly there is not anything overly likeable about a know it all teenager from time to time. They can be really obnoxious...but it sounds like you have learned to handle it in a mature healthy manner even though the child is not yours. You worked as a family unit to make a home and make it doable. Something I'm not seeing coming forth in this OP's postings.

I guess what I'm saying is this little boy (except for the new displays of over affection) are nothing new. He's the same little boy he was last year, two years ago and so on. Sometimes I really think some people race into a marriage/relationship thinking they can change everything they dislike and wave some magical wand and suddenly the children they dislike will be wonderful, the exs they dislike will poof and cause no problems...just because they 'marry' they can change and fix it all soley because they married/come into each other's life. Time after time the bubble gets popped and they find themselves in situations they never should have entered. It's not realistic to think there are magic wands or that 'just because he/she is suddenly there to take control and change everything it will indeed change. There lies the difference between healhy stable relationships with a long term chance and one's that will go up in smoke.


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RE: Can't love SS7

My niece-9 is all over her dad any time anyone else is trying to have a simple conversation (we are not PDA type of people), she climbs on him when he is talking to his wife (intact fmaily, SIl is my niece's mother), me (and SIL commented "oh she is just jealous", WTF). I think they cultivate it in my niece by making comments it is cute. It is nto cute. She is not a neglected child, she gets a lot of attention and care.

Last weekend we had a party at our house. My brother and SO have a lot in common and they were both doing the grilling, my niece INSISTED on always going with my brother outside and hanging onto him when he tried to talk to SO. My brother cannot even step outside of her vision for a minute. She is whispering to him all the time and trying to show PDA. This is just nuts. This is annoying.

But she actually is the same way with anyone who is trying to have conversations with anyone. Last week I was at their house and I had some business with my nephew, so she climbed up on him every time i tried to say something. I love my niece, but I could see if she was not my family I would find her extremely annoying.

I think if SS truly is that needy, someone needs to do something about it. His name and disability is nothing to dislike him for, but I could see how his inappropriate neediness and jealousy and being physically all over people could be difficult to handle for strangers. He will have difficulty in social situations at school.

And 10 hours of tantrum screaming? Not funny. This child might need to be evaluated. Inappropriate display of affection and mood swings like that could indicate anything from abuse to emotional/mental disorders.


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suggestion

"But We've lived together a YEAR and he's only become this way the last couple of months"

perhaps something happened either at dad's or at mom's house or at school that triggered this behavior. Did anyone try to investigate?


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RE: Can't love SS7

OP - I didn't read your entire post...or many of the replies, but want to chime on on one thing you apparently are aghast at:

"A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY holding his daddy's hand in public????"

WTF is wrong with that? My son is 10.5, and splits time 50/50 between me and his mom...and we have a wonderful relationship, he is my best friend, he is very smart and a great student, outgoing, active, has lots of friends, etc. And we still hold hands all the time, even in public, and have for years. I think there is nothing wrong with this, in fact I think it is WONDERFUL that both of us will put any stupid social 'stigmas' aside and show our affection for each other.

I know that with him being 10.5, I don't have much more time before he puts and end to this...so every time we do hold hands walking down the street or whatever...I soak it up because I know it won't last much longer, but I am grateful for having experienced this with him. My 13 year old daughter was (and is) very different...very reserved emotionally, she probably stopped holding my hand and her mom's hand in public when she was about 5.

OK...just wanted to chime in on that one little topic.


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RE: Can't love SS7

I agree, 7-year-old boys or girls hold their parents hands in public, I think it is normal. Rubbing all over sounded excessive, holding hands not.


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RE: Can't love SS7

"What's been bothering me most lately is that SS has been displaying inappropriate physical affection for his father, starting with putting his body between me and DH all the time."

This is physical affection YOU feel is inappropriate. It's just as natural and loving for a child to be next to their parent (or more) than a new lover.


"Even in the grocery store, etc. If DH is talking to me, SS interrupts either with a new topic or misbehavior that derails our adult conversation."

Sounds like you need to either include him in conversation more and/or DH needs to gently remind him not to interrupt.

"SS holds DH's hand whenever we're out in public. He's even gone so far as to knock my hand out of DH's to hold it. A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY holding his daddy's hand in public????"

I STILL hold my dad's hand. In public. As for knocking your hand out, I would swoop him up if he did that and blow his belly or tickle him or make him EVEN CLOSER to the two of you. He wants love. GIVE HIM LOVE. Then gently remind him what is appropriate.

"In the evenings, I cannot share a couch with DH because SS will slither between us. So I sit elsewhere,"

Right. You've shown him that it's YOU or HIM and he's going to do what he can to make sure it's HIM. Sounds logical to me :)

".. and SS is free to full-body rub up against his father, front to front, nuzzling his face into daddy's chest and lap, constantly squirming and rubbing his body all over daddy. Just short of actually humping his father. GROSS."

I have a really hard time thinking dad and you have a similar perception of what is going on. Very few men would be ok with a child RUBBING up against them in a prone position.

It's like when SS is around, DH is daddy,

Yep. Again, this makes sense to me.

and I'm supposed to bow at the shrine of SS too, and when SS isn't around, DH is back to DH.

Y'know what? Your DH has a really important job. It's called being a dad.

I'm sorry, I know this must be frustrating to you. It appears you don't like him/he irritates you because you both see the other as a threat and competition. And you are... you compete for affection, for time, etc. You want your DH to be DH THE MAN not DH THE DAD. Understandable. But it's not going to work. And DH probably likes the attention. But that won't last either.

Seriously? You need to make friends with the kid or find a new man.


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RE: Can't love SS7

I feel like we can be too harsh to react quickly to people's feelings. I think what she's going through is very normal. Just because someone is a child doesn't mean they're naturally to be accepted carte blanche. If an adult acted the same as this child, it would be horrific- but because they're a child, it seems we can't react. I think your feelings are 100% normal- he's not your child, he's annoying to you, you don't want him in your face, and that is OKAY! I know that grating feeling when you're around a stepchild. It doesn't make sense. It isn't your typical reaction. It creates guilt and anger and resentment because what you're trying to do isn't natural- bond with a child that isn't yours. It's not that you're cold, judgmental, or lacking in empathy or emotion...it's simply that as women, I don't think for the most part we are meant to love other women's children and it's not a bad thing. I think it just is. I can see that dealing with a child that doesn't speak intelligibly (whether he can help it or not), one who throws fits, and behaves in a way that is frutstrating would be infuriatingly obnoxious. I'm sorry you're struggling. I see a lot of women (and live with this same challenge myself) who would be just fine in their lives if the children of other women weren't present. Perhaps it's a human flaw, but it is hard to accomplish without hitches. However, try to see the good. If you want to be with your husband/boyfriend then this boy will not go away. I mean this will all kindness, but perhaps a man with children isn't for you? It's not for most. If you're not married, take this time to consider a life change because if you commit 100% to this man, this boy will be a lifetime partner as well. Can you do that? Be patient with yourself when he bothers you. I can tell you are trying to cope and that's so hard. Realize you're normal and set your boundaries as to what caregiving you will do and stick to it. Do not let husband/boyfriend berate/guilt/cajole, etc on this level- the boy is not your child and unless it's fair with your children, it's not going to be a case of you sacrificing all the time while husb/bf does not. I wish you luck. Counselors can be good, but mostly they're expensive and hard to find good ones. Take time to develop your own joy, see the good where you can in this child, and take your time working through your emotions when you interact with him. Try to see what's really bothering you. Is it the affection itself or the interruption of your bonding with your husb/bf? Then when it's intolerable, it's okay to leave the room. The father should praise you and validate your attempting to blend this family instead of expect you to fall in line. I wish you well and be gentle with yourself and this child. You both are learning and unfortunately, he's not fully grown so he's stuck in a child's world in an adult situation. See that and give him the benefit of the doubt and put yourself in his life- what if you were that boy? Sometimes that helps. Best to you.


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RE: Can't love SS7

"I would swoop him up if he did that and blow his belly or tickle him or make him EVEN CLOSER to the two of you."

Although I agree with the rest of the post, this just does not sound realistic. They don't have close enough relationship and aren't in "mom/child" or even "older sister/little brother" relationship. If a man I was living for a year grabbed 7-year-old DD and started blowing in her belly I would be rather surprised. DD and her dad yes, DD and her grandpa yes, but not a man I date/cohabitate (as I think OP does). My SO gives DD a hug, but blowing in her belly or tickling...not so much LOL (of course she is a adult but still why not? LOL)

Now I think maybe you meant dad should do that, that sounds like a good decision.


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RE: Can't love SS7

"There has to be something that triggered the over affection bit to suddenly emerge."

What's the household like at his mother's home?

New boyfriend?

Children who are sexually abused *often* act like this, so much so that day care centers & schools are obligated to report it.

Please alert your husband to this;
this poor child needs somebody to help him.

As far as getting on your nerves, please put your own feelings aside until you know the reasons behind his behavior.

I wish you all the best.


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RE: Can't love SS7

WEEELLLLL.... I dunno. All I can say is from my perspective, and we are a hands-on kind of family. If any child that I even slightly knew (let alone one who lived part time in the same house as me) were familiar with me enough to whack my hand out of someone else's hand.... then we're "close enough" for me to reach out and tickle him.

If we're sitting on the couch one-two-three-all-together and he's 7 and I've been with his dad a while... yes, I think grabbing him and giving him noogie-love is perfectly fine.

But then, that's me. I am affectionate and pull kids in rather than push them out. Not the first time I meet them, of course I wouldn't tickle or blow bellies.

"If a man I was living for a year grabbed 7-year-old DD and started blowing in her belly I would be rather surprised. "

Hmmmmm.... If I were living with a man for a year and he didn't do those sorts of things I'd be more surprised!! And the context REALLY matters. I'm saying, in the scenerio presented:

Dad, SM and Kid are walking down the street. Dad and SM are holding hands. Kid butts in, whacks SM's hand out of the way (don't see how he's physically capable of pulling this off, but whatever).

One of the adults should GRAB the kid and give him LOVE! The kind of "c'mere you little stinker/snuggle/belly blowing/tickling silly love" that an adult gives a kid who is wanting attention and asking for it inappropriately.

But again, different styles of parenting, of course.


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RE: Can't love SS7

The thing is that the situation is entirely different from yours. In fact SM hates the kid, so she could possibly start slowly by building trust with the child, rather than grabbing him and showing physical affection, she can barely stand him. I don't think it is a realistic suggestion. She needs to work on other things first.

"Hmmmmm.... If I were living with a man for a year and he didn't do those sorts of things I'd be more surprised!!"
You'd be surprised he isn't blowing in DD's belly or tickles after a year? Is that a requirement for men now to blow in bellies and tickle. LOL I would not be with a man who shows no affection and no interest in DD yet alone dislikes her! But no, not blowing DD's belly or tickle her wouldn't be a deal breaker.

We are all very affectionate bunch, that's just us. SO hugs DD every time he sees her and gives a kiss, no, he is not blowing her belly and doesn't tickle her. By your logic I should be surprised he isn't doing it? LOL SO is crazy about my niece too, always does stuff for her and with her etc no, he isn't blowing her belly either. haha You can be very devoted to other people's children but don't blow their bellies LOL


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sylviA

sylvia, I agree, I asked what triggered such rapid change...no reply...


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RE: Can't love SS7

PO1 your daughter is an adult. I doubt she would allow a belly blowing/tickle fest.

I'm happy to report my DH is a big time belly blower/tickle monster/kissie monster/toe tickling kind of guy. They only thing that annoys me about this is when DH, DD and DS attack me and I get a combination of all three at once and I have no one to protect me from their slobbery, kissing, pee my pants tickling attack!!! Lol I think if my 'step'dad were more affectionate in the way my Dh is with my Dd, I might have been raised to be affectionate. I'm not hands on, I'm very much 'this is my space, this is your space'. My Dh has changed me so much. It's one of my many faults that 'caused' my divorce with exDh. Not enough affection. My Dd was not affectionate either until my Dh and I started dating and he kind of forced himself on us lol in a good way. My son is super affectionate. Every morning lots of kisses. Every day when we pick him up, he is so excited, always a 'I love you mommy/daddy' hugs and kisses. He is affectionate with friends and family. It's wonderful. I never thought I would like this but I actually LOVE it. And I'm so glad my kids want to show me and the world how much they love us! My husband came from a very affectionate mom and dad. He was the only child so he got LOTS of love. His parents (in my opinion) are the best grandparents (even over my own parents) because they just love and love and love everyone! Lots of hugs, pats on the back. I love it (now). I used to think it was weird. When I see my husband tending to his 65 year old mother - she is not 'old'but he still 'tends' to her in an old fashioned way. I have friends who tell me it's sick and they can't imagine having a mil like that. Well it's not her! It's him. He Loves his mom!! He opens the door for her, he escorts her. Once we were At the park and I being the 'amateur' photographer of the family, was off in the background taking pics and I got a wonderful pic of hubby holding hands with his mom and his dad on the other side holding her hand and Dd was holding hubbies hand ... It was awesome. I have it framed in my bedroom. I do not think the affection a son shows for his family is weird. I think it's called love I don't think it means anyone has messed with this child. I think maybe the reason it has gotten more extreme is because he is competing with SM for dad's attention.
My Dd went through this. She eventually gave up. She could only be told so many times by Sm and then dad started pushing her away too and she gave up. I am sure that's what you want but if you force your husband to push his only child away, he will wake up one day and blame you and you will be right back where you are except he will resent you instead.

I think love is what everyone needs more of. I think it's awful for men and women to marry other men and women that have children and then to act so selfishly. I just don't get it.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Myfam, we are all very affectionate and lack of love is not the issue in my family. So we do not have this issue. Both I and ex are very affectionate and that's how we raised DD. But it is not about me or you.

It is about OP's family, this child is struggling with number of issues, SM actively dislikes him, this kid recently changed in his attitude (no one cares why), dad does not care and think it is hilarious, this child is missing something from his MOM and DAD, so SM grabbing and blowing this kid's belly simply isn't going to work. Plus she cannot stand him. I wish it was that simple.

Myfam, I don't think this couple is married, they've been together for a year? I don't necessarily think that immediately mean that dad's GF should be blowing kid's belly.

I am reading how some women bring different men to their kids lives. So if after a year of dating/cohabiting grabbing, 7-year-old girl's and blowing their bellies is OK for mom's boyfriend? What if she dates someone else next year? How many men should be blowing little girl's belly? Every man that mom dates?


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RE: Can't love SS7

--"He's mostly an ok kid, not defiant or hostile ever."--

It bore repeating.

--"He will occasionally throw an actual tantrum, like on Father's Day, he literally screamed, thrashed, yelled, cried, begged for his mommy, flung himself on the ground, ALL DAY. For TEN HOURS. No kidding. I was baffled he had that kind of stamina. DH thinks this behavior is HILARIOUS."--

Again, what the heck happened to make a never hostile nor never defiant child suddenly come up with the fit of all fits and 'beg' for his mother ? I'll assume child had been at Dad's since Friday (based on the schedule you gave us), so what happened between Friday and waking up on Sunday morning to toss such a fit on a day meant to be for fathers and kids...yet kid wants to flee and is begging for his mother.

A kid who supposedly spends all his time squeezing between you and DH, holding hands blah blah, suddenly wakes up and screams for mom? Now can we hear what all transpired that weekend that ended up in such a display of tantrum? There is usually two versions and sides to stories such as this. And I'm not going to 'buy' if it went down as told by OP that Dad thought his son's behavior which never ever occurs defiant/hostile (per OP's own first statements) thought this display and sudden change was hilarious.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Yeap, same questions here. OP does not come back to answer, isn't it somewhat typical....Crazier is the story less likely OP to come back and clarify.

This kid made a completely turn around few months ago( So May? June?) becoming extremely needy (why few months ago? So May? June? what changed?) and at the same time throwing horrendous tantrums (at the same time? so June?), also being uncooperative at school (and when did that start, same time or earlier?). I also wonder what does his mother say about all this? Is this how he behaves at home, or only with dad?

Is BM married or have a BF? If yes does SS exhibits same type of behavior around them? There is a lot going on that we do not know and is clearly more complicated than just kid wants affection from his dad(that would be normal, yet what is described is not a normal progression of things).

I wish OP comes back and clarifies to us what is happening.


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RE: Can't love SS7

She hasnt come back???? Wheres the surprise??? She was called petty, ridiculous,she never said she hated the kid, just his name... Child abuse brought into the picture....I hate my SS name too (and I like him)Geez, girl gets crucified....My DS had a speech impediment, people pointed this out to me, and I denied it like "are you crazy"...I heard an audio tape years later, it was SO obvious...The parents LOVE the kid, he has no flaws, it irks Dillion, she s taken notice...As the parent, I didnt want to hear this either, MAYBE Dillion wants to help the kid...Swishfish has the right idea, maybe a little compassion for what Dillion is obviously stuggling with????


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RE: Can't love SS7

Well, dotz, perhaps if I had read compassion for the child, I might feel a bit more for the OP.

After initial exchange between OP and myself OP came back with "I appreciate real honesty about what I'm doing wrong and genuinely wish to improve myself and my attitude. "reality checks" are welcome. Thanks, n keep em coming."

I believe she received honest thoughts and possibilities based on what has been stated by OP.

I was not 'seeing' compassion for a child. What I was reading was contradictions between one statement and another. What I was also reading and my take on what I read was OP was more about 'me me me' than finding any compassion for a child.

It was not only disliking a name, no, it was the just knowing the whole world is thinking 'OMG that terrible woman actually named HER kid that?' ...guess there, for me at least, so hung the impression that OP also is perhaps more concerned that the whole world is also thinking 'OMG that lady over there produced THAT kid with the HORRIBLE speech impediament'.

Perhaps it was the lack of wanting to know 'why' a well behaved non-hostile, non-defiant child suddenly rapidly changes behavior, instead focusing on 'poor me, me, me I suddenly find myself losing my DH everytime THAT KID is here, it is all about him him him'.

There is no hope for this family until or unless they all , as Mattie suggested, get " counseling. Marital counseling, family counseling, even individual counseling would be better than nothing - something, and as soon as possible".

There needs to be an understanding of the whys and wheres each member of this household is coming from. There is nothing on this forum any one of us can say that will make everything all better. We can't write anything that will change the child's name, fix his speech, make him stop demanding Dad's attention nor know why the behavior so suddenly and quickly developed. We can't write anything that will get inside Dad's head and explain why he feels OP's employment should be dismissed and non-important to her blah blah blah.

There appears to be no useful communication in this household, just accusations and total lack of concern or awareness of how the other members of the home think and feel, no boundaries, no empathy. A whole lot of built up resentment, anger and perhaps issues that are bigger than what this family can cope with on it's own.


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RE: Can't love SS7

dotz, nobody called her ridiculous or petty, certain things that are taking place in that household are ridiculous, not her as a person.

I did feel compassion for her that she was told to leave her job early to pick up SS from school and I advised her not to, it is not her job. I even acknowledged that I understand it could be annoying for strangers when a child has to smooch all over their parent 24/7.

I have hard time feeling compassion for people who find 10-hour tantrums hilarious (and we yet to find out what are the tantrums about), who are disgusted by sudden expressions of excessive physical tough yet do not make an effort to find out the reasons, are mocking child's speech impairment and find it cute or funny yet are not making an effort to do much about it. It is not possible for us to help the kid though, we aren't there. And SM cannot do much about it either, they have to do something about it together. They don't. All we can do is keep asking questions and offering suggestions.

Being annoyed by the kid or disliking him and hating his name is not a crime. But the kid is struggling, I feel compassion for the kid. SM might leave, but kid will stay and continue struggling.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Dotz, I agree with you 100%. OP acknowledges that SS "gets on her nerves for every little thing", that he's "mostly an OK kid", and "I realize that there is little materially "wrong" with this little boy, yet he grates on my nerves horribly." I read the original post as that of a very frustrated woman who knows that something is seriously wrong - be it with her attitude, SS's behavior, DH and/or BM's parental attitudes, or some combination thereof - but who doesn't know what, where or how to even begin to start trying to "fix" it.

In response OP got some responses basically telling her what a horrible person she is for not liking her SS! If I wrote in and say that I didn't like my MIL; that she was mostly OK but for some reason I just couldn't stand her, although I was polite, courteous and respectful to her - would I get people telling me how awful of a person I was because of the way that I felt?

I'm not going to assume at this point that OP is all about "me, me, me". I think OP was frustrated and dashed off a quick post. After all, there's no reason whatsoever that OP had to have included the part about SS is an OK kid but irritates her - she could have either said that he is a horrible demon-spawn from hell or that he is great and she loves him to death if all she wanted was responses to issues with SS's behavior.

We've got a BM who is all "me, me, me" - and I can tell you that she would never, absolutely not a snowball's chance in, well, the weather today, would BM ever say that she is irritated with SS or some part of his behavior but that she realizes it's an overreaction or that it might, in any small way, have anything to do with her. If OP were that seriously narcissistic, she would, in her mind, know without any questions or doubts that her distaste of SS was his fault, or DH's fault, or BM's fault - but she would not have even considered the possibility that it might have anything to do with her.


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RE: Can't love SS7

I stand by what I said. I didn't say she was petty or ridiculous and actually offered ideas for making him more tolerable. Sometimes you have to "fake it till you make it" and I think this is one of those times.

It's perfectly normal not to like a kid or an adult. But we learn as adults that we can't always show our feelings and we have to get along with people we don't prefer. This is one of those times. She can either buck up and be the parent, or she can find a lover who can be DH all the time rather than DAD/DH.

Vent away... I hate my SD's behavior sometimes too. And her name is kind of annoying for a couple of reasons. She whines, she throws mini-tantrums, she thinks her mom walks on water, she is spoiled, she thinks she's going to be a movie star, she's kind of shallow. And she's a kid. And I made a commitment to be a solid adult in her life.

And the more I know her, the more we establish a basis for communication and the more I like her. It can take time. I prefer to dive in and be loving right away. It takes the edge off and makes the kid know you're accessible.

If you're like OP and getting your panties in a wad because the kid is always coming between you...

MAKE ROOM SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PUSH OR GET OUT OF THE WAY!


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RE: Can't love SS7

I think there are more issues there..

DH (or BF?) does not show the same interest for her DDs yet demand love for SS, dad thinks tantrums are hilarious (?)and speech impairments are cute and funny, OP's job is not as important as DH's because she makes less, double standards for the kids because they are girls (?) etc

The true issue is with DH not SS, it is just easier to hate SS rather than admit that your partner sucks and relationship is not healthy and goes nowhere.

"I think that plays as much of a problem in my loving SS as anything else." Exactly, the reason for not loving SS is not SS, but treatment OP and her kids get from DH so she projects on a kid. DH is a problem,


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RE: Can't love SS7

"DH (or BF?) does not show the same interest for her DDs yet demand love for SS, dad thinks tantrums are hilarious (?)and speech impairments are cute and funny, OP's job is not as important as DH's because she makes less, double standards for the kids because they are girls (?) etc

The true issue is with DH not SS, it is just easier to hate SS rather than admit that your partner sucks and relationship is not healthy and goes nowhere.

"I think that plays as much of a problem in my loving SS as anything else." Exactly, the reason for not loving SS is not SS, but treatment OP and her kids get from DH so she projects on a kid. DH is a problem"

Exactly.

I hate to agree because firstly I wasn't going to read posts, but I did, but more importantly, I fear that all this agreeing from Silversword and myself, thus resulting in h*ll freezing over, is somehow throwing off the weather patterns and causing this horrible heat wave we're having!


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heat

it is heat advisory here too, I welcome any signs of freezing LOL

but on a serious note I agree or disagree with different people depends on what the issue is at hand not depends on a person, I don't really care who the person is, so it is not personal. I have similar opinions more often with some people and less with others, it does not really mean anything in regards to personalities. and i am too curious not to read people's posts, hahah wouldn't work for me


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RE: Can't love SS7

Hey it's me, the Original Poster,
I'll first say I really appreciate all the feedback- even the nonsympathetic ones, really helps me view from different angles.
Let me try to clarify a few points:
-SS is RARELY defiant or hostile when with us, where he lives half time.
-I've been w SO for just over two years, living together for exactly one, not married, but I called him DH for clarity. Guess it backfired lol.
-BM is a party girl, on her third live-in SO, third house since the divorce. We live in their old marital house where SS has always lived. BM is and always has been excessively physically affectionate, at least in front of me (maybe marking her territory?) DH says she's always been one extreme or another w affection. Oedipal or dang near violent, no in between.
-I don't hate this kid, and I'm never hostile, although I'm sure he must pick up on my preference to avoid him.
-I'm not overly critical. The things I correct him for are the things I correct my own children for. I also ask DH for consistency fro
one child to the next. He'll holler at my DD12 for eating in the living room and the next day give his son (my SS) food in the living room. Or he'll tell SS he can't do something, say jump on the couch, then when he does it again, no follow through on stopping him. And I'm the bad guy if I point it out. Meanwhile NO slack like that for my daughters. They get told once and if there's ever another violation, it's both boots down.
-here's another thing that just passed: my oldest DD just turned 17 on Tuesday. He got her nothing. Nor will he get my other DD anything for her birthday on the 28th. I killed myself finding and scratching together the $80 for his son's birthday gift in April. I should mention he makes FOUR times what I do and is quite comfortable. I expressed my hurt and he thinks he's perfectly justified, since he didn't "kill her for her latest bull***".
Reviewing what I said just now and what I said before, I guess the bulk of my resentment for this poor boy comes from his father's double standards regarding our children. SS is always placed first, SS is always excused his trespasses, SS is always handled patiently, SS's opinions and desires are placed above everyone else's, especially my two own DDs. And none of this is his fault. So not fair to this poor little guy.
I've talked many times to DH about the discrepancies, but he always finds a way to justify them: SS is too little, or he's a boy, or his OP is an idiot, or he's only here half time... *sigh* sounds like my problem is the man and not the boy.
:( it was easier to blame the kid, but now I have to take real stock of my relationship.
Thanks guys, and I'd love to hear more if you've got it.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Agreed. It's not the kid, so much, as the DH not being on the same page.

As usual.


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RE: Can't love SS7

KDillon, so I was on to something. I had a feeling that it is him being a jerk not as much his kid. OMG I was right. I am sorry but I think he is a jerk. You are not married and have no kids together, so cut your losses and run. WTF is wrong with him? And maybe time to find out what caused their divorce? Same issues, possibly?

He gets nothing to your children and you buy gifts for his??? Not even a little something, flowers? He makes FOUR times more than you? Not even when you ask?

He lets his kid do whatever in the house yet yours is not allowed to do XYZ?

SS's interests are always put ahead of your kids? Well understandable he is young, but saying because they are girls? Sexist much?

He says be glad "didn't kill her (meaning your DD) for the latest b....?" He says that about your kid???

Gee...Of course nobody is perfect, but this is just too much. Did you notice such behavior when you dated or only recently? Also could it be that SS sees that his dad disrespects you and DDs so he takes advantage of it? What do your girls say about all this?


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RE: Can't love SS7

BFs behavior has been a very gradual escalation with very plausible logic (on his side) behind it. My stuff doesn't "go" with the stuff already in the house, I hand him half my money in rent, no say over tv, even stupid stuff like he will pile his shoes on top of mine (am I overreacting about the shoes thing? Seems disrespectful...but if my shoes were on the rack instead of the closet floor, that never would've happened). Housework is for women, he works all day and he'll be god d*mned if he's gonna come home n cook n clean too.
Never seemed fair, but he makes everything seem
so reasonable... I'm highly discouraged from discussing our relationship with my friends or family either. Jesus I'm sounding stupid. I should talk to a counselor to get a third party perspective on all this. Of course all you guys are hearing is my side too.
-DDs "latest b***" included sneaking a boy into the house while we were all sleeping. So BF feels really violated about that.
So yeah.


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RE: Can't love SS7

"It's not the kid, so much, as the DH not being on the same page."

Same page? DH isn't even in the same library!

DH got nothing whatsoever for your kids' birthdays? Presumably your job is supposed to pay for all those little "extras" like birthday presents for your kids and his? That same job that you are supposed to risk losing because he cannot go to the effort to find a way to pick up his son from school?

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA. Seriously. The lack of even a token birthday gift for any child one lives with would do it for me, on its own, even without the rest of the BS.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Not even in the same "library" LOL

I don't blame you for not discussing it with family and friends, it is often not helpful. I never complain about my SO because my parents love him and think I am being too demanding and expect too much and he is just the best. Counselor is a better idea.

Sneaking a boy (or a girl) in the house is not a good idea, I would be livid too. BUT it does not mean one should not buy a birthday gift, discuss with a kid how this is wrong and move on.

Stuff not going with anything in the house I could maybe kind of see...But in combination with other things it is a manifestation of being rude and inconsiderate.

Go talk to a counselor, see third party opinion. Be honest about your own part in all this and see what's next step. If you give him half of your money for rent, you can rent your own apartment with your kids and live in peace and quiet.


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B-day gift

I just read about the ages...I thought they are both older. 12? So he is not going to buy anything for 12-year-old either? Is he contributing to your gift? Sometimes when we want to buy somehting more substantial we put money together. Would he add money to your gift so it is from both of you? Or nothing?

Heck if SO did not suggest/think of anything to give to DD for holiday/birthday, I don't know...It would probably do it for me too. And she is adult, not living in any geographic proximity to us. But minor kid living with you and no gift? Forget it...


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RE: Can't love SS7

((((kdillon))))

Yes, all we are hearing is your side. But it doesn't really matter. All that matters is this question:

Is this behavior acceptable to me?

I can understand mis-directing anger. I did that with my Dad and SM for YEARS. She's a whiny little ________. Yep, super annoying. But my REAL issue was with Dad, I just didn't want to confront him.

And hey guys, OP and I cross-posted. My "same page" was written BEFORE I read her post about gifts. :)


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RE: Can't love SS7

Is it possible that if DD snuck some boy in the house the SS oversaw something? Yeah, she got caught once, but once caught does not necessarily mean it was the one and only time she has done this. Even sitting in the next room with her male friend and getting a bit too overfriendly in fron of the SS? Maybe not, but might explain the sudden extreme display of 'affection' SS's been using. Not unrealistic when one considers a small child should really have no idea of using his body in such a way unless he's seen it (or worse, and no I'm not suggesting your daughter did anything to SS, but she might have planted the new idea). Little kids can be quick and sneaky, spying on big sisters can be great fun.

--" My stuff doesn't "go" with the stuff already in the house, I hand him half my money in rent, no say over tv, even stupid stuff like he will pile his shoes on top of mine (am I overreacting about the shoes thing? Seems disrespectful...but if my shoes were on the rack instead of the closet floor, that never would've happened). Housework is for women, he works all day and he'll be god d*mned if he's gonna come home n cook n clean too. "--

*picking jaw up off the desk*


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RE: Can't love SS7

oh good point, maybe SS saw something, maybe not like explicit stuff but something, or maybe he heard behind the door??? or maybe he even spied on purpose? it could explain a lot....


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RE: Can't love SS7

Omgosh kdillion - I'm not done reading but I HAVE to comment so I don't forget!! My DH ALWAYS tosses his damn size 10 big a$$ shoes right on top of my little size 6 1/2s WHY? I can't get him to stop!! He says oops!

So there -- I feel your pain on this one! Wow it annoys me. Ok I'll finish reading before responding again :)


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RE: Can't love SS7--

I don't really know what to say except I'm so sorry you are not an equal in your relationship. I do know how this feels. It can be very isolating and that is why I am divorced.
Maybe this is why he is already divorced??

I hope you can get into counseling to help you find your next step. But seriously, all of those things would already have me out the door. It took me 5 yrs to realize that.


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RE: Can't love SS7

Thank you everyone...myfampg...you can contact me directly at kdillon385@yahoo.com.
I really am not equal. It hurts.


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RE: Can't love SS7

I just want to say.....I just read all these now. My dh had absolutely NO say in my ss name. She had ss, named him then called my dh to tell him he was here. My dh doesn't like his name either. He also has her last name. I've been trying to get my dh to get that changed since we now have custody and she's married and lost that name.

My ss also is overly affectionate with my dh. He is almost 11 and still sits on his lap. Even in public. I've tried discouraging it by telling him his friends will make fun of him. He doesn't care. My dh did make him get up the last few times. His bm is also wierd over affectionate with him. One time I actually saw her kiss him and slip him the tongue. It was disturbing beyond belief. SS comes to snuggle with me now since we have custody... I'm ok with it most times but I get grumpy sometimes and want my space. My ds8 has never been that way with me and when he sees ss he immediately wants to snuggle with me too. So sometimes I eat it up... other times I want them to leave me alone! HAHA!

I also think you really need to reevaluate your relationship. Your dh is rude! The kids in our home get treated as equals no ifs ands or buts. I also won't allow my dh to tell me his job is more important then mine. I work hard for my job and I'll not let him beat me down.


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RE: Can't love SS7

it is better not to post your direct email address here, you don't know who is reading here


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RE: Can't love SS7

"...his damn size 10 big a$$ shoes "

Are you kidding, those are little "European soccer player" size shoes...lol!


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RE: Can't love SS7

He's a soccer player!! Lol


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RE: Can't love SS7

Amen. Please please please OP....

Contact the Admins of the site and get your email removed. If someone wants to email you privately there is a way you can do that, but please don't use your real name or email here.


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RE: Can't love SS7

You mean your real name's not "silversword" ???


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RE: Can't love SS7

You caught me Mkroopy.


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