Of course it is your fault BIL does not want to work and then quits, and it is your fault SD eats at 3:30 and is hungry at 5, and it is your fault BM lied about a party, and it is your fault MIL never hosts anything yet is upset that you are hosting parties. Crazy! BM, BM's mother, SD and MIL manage to ruin every event!

I used to host about one party a month... always someone's birthday or a holiday & I like to have my family get together. I've always included DH's parents because they never do anything with their other son or host anything and they treated me nice in the beginning. It used to be MIL would sit by me & dig for info on the BM/SD saga... she loves the drama so much she would take a day off work to go with DH to court. But, when SD got nowhere running to BM to get me in trouble, she started going to MIL... and the tide changed to MIL being snarky with me. She backed off last fall when SD needed to do tutorials in school for failing 3 classes during Thanksgiving break & I told DH to have his mom help her get them done because she is so interested/concerned with how SD is doing all the time. MIL announced at Christmas (at our house) that SD learned her lesson & is going to do good in school now.. get all her work done because SHE/MIL talked to her & set her straight. Well, thank you MIL! SD had all D's & F's the day MIL said that... and she would have finished the year with all F's if she hadn't been switched to a slow paced class for underachievers. Even then, SD still got one or two F's that she had to remediate the last month of school. MIL is a Mrs. Kravitz busy body... and she hasn't worked in two years so she has nothing better to do than to get her nose in everyone's business. It was bad when she was working but now that she has nothing else to do, it's escalated. I stopped inviting her to events over a year ago but she finds out when SD tells her we are having a party or DH might mention in passing that we are busy getting things ready for a party & she assumes the invitation & shows up. I now host about two parties a year & host Thanksgiving & Christmas. Mainly, I cut back to avoid being around her but I miss having my family over.

What steams me up is that she was already upset over the situation with her son. I was just waiting for her to say something to my face about it because that's how she is... but there is no excuse for walking off a job.. on the busiest weekend so far this year. He left on the first delivery & I ended up working until 9pm that night to help finish all the other deliveries. DH had to come help after he got off work from his day job. She has NO IDEA the predicament and stress it caused me to be left high & dry. So, if she was already upset with me... why drive to my house to attend a party that I'm hosting? She lives 40-45 minutes away. She could stay home & say she has other obligations... she obviously wasn't going to be friendly with me yet she wasn't going to confront or say anything to me... so why go?

and yes, she ruins every event one way or another.. even if SD isn't there... she comes & wants to talk about everything to do with SD... criticizes my housekeeping (and the only time she sees my house is when I've been cooking & it isn't it's neatest. But, my parties are always outside but SD would find a reason she had to take grandma into my house to show her something & MIL had a comment on my house. (MIL is a neat freak... beyond a normal neat freak. It's why she doesn't host parties... people might walk on her floor.) DH is also a neat freak so it's never horrible & it's always irritated me that SD drags her into our house when the party is somewhere else.)

I had always heard of MIL from hell but thought I got lucky that my in laws like me & we got along. and DH wants to avoid the conflict... which makes me want to hand him back over to his mommy. UGH!!

SD just feeds off the "mean IMA" nonsense! And she has her supporters who love to hear how mean IMA are (your MIL, her BM, and her gma). What a mess! Since those 3 are not going to stop giving her attention for her "mean IMA" dramas and feeding into them I don't think it will ever stop!

I'd be furious. Your dh needs to put his big boy pants on and tell his manipulative daughter he is onto her games and if she has an issue she needs to talk to you about it instead of crying to everyone else for attention.

My dh has done the same crap with ss over the years. I tell ss something and then he cries to daddy and gets his way. He even stuck his tongue out at me one time when he got his way and I had it. I turned to DH and told him about it and told him this is what giving into ss does. I told ss that he was being a brat and that from now on he can go to daddy for everything.....and when daddy is at work I guess he can twiddle his thumbs and wait for him to get home! I know it was a bit much...but I was just done.

Oh my incognito.... I think I'd have slapped that kid right then and there. That or my dh for allowing it. The week before my ss went to his moms we had an issue. (He ALWAYS does this right before going to his moms) He was fighting with my son about something... don't remember what. I yelled at them both. SS continued to argue... I told them they were done with whatever it was they were fighting about. SS said that was stupid. I yelled at him that if he ever called me stupid again he'd be grounded for a week. Right then he said "well it's stupid".... I immediately yelled for my dh and ran up the stairs, turned off his TV, took his IPOD and told him to enjoy being grounded because no one calls me stupid. My dh then came up and took over. I'm NOT going to be controlled by ANY child in my home.

Ima.... I agree, your dh needs to stand up to these people. Geeesh!!

My husband was as shocked as my dad & I. SD had hugged him, said goodbye & left to get in the car with grandma... he was sitting down with me, eating when I happened to notice the grandma's huddled & looking at our direction. We thought they had left so I asked DH what was going on... he went over to find out & was told by grandma that SD was hungry so SHE (BM's mom) was going to let her make a plate & let her eat. DH should have stood up to her then but instead, told her that SD had eaten earlier but nobody told her she couldn't eat.

What is ridiculous to me is that if SD gets in the car & says "grandma, Ima won't let me eat & I'm hungry" (which isn't true but probably close to what was said)... then why wouldn't grandma say, "don't worry, we can stop on the way & get something." instead of causing a scene & making a big deal or just making a point that SHE was going to show me. All that was accomplished was that SD now knows how to get both grandma's in on her action at the same time. DH did call her out on some of it but I think he was not fully aware of what was really going on. We had a long talk last night...

My dad mentioned an analogy to compare it to a situation he might be able to relate to. Every week, DH goes to pick up SD. Sometimes she hasn't eaten so they have to stop & get dinner. Imagine how well it would go over if he showed up at BM's house & SD gets in the car & says she hasn't eaten dinner... so DH gets out of the car & tells BM she needs to feed her before they can go... yeah right!!!

I also informed DH that what his mother did was no better & probably worse than if BM had said or done something. The funny thing is that BM isn't even involved enough to be there or care. This is all between the grandma's, they didn't even go to DH first. I wonder what they would have done if I hadn't noticed them at all and if he hadn't gone over to find out. I'm still infuriated about it... every time I think of these moron grandma's. MIL, who does nothing but talk crap about BM & BM's mother... how she thinks it's so awful how BM won't come get SD, how the other grandma made SD wear a mask on a 3 hour drive so she (grandma) wouldn't get SD's sick germs, after all the crap they've put DH through in fighting him in court, trying to lower the child support, etc... How MIL could huddle with her as if they are team grandma against the wicked SM??? WTF! And I also pointed out to DH how it was interesting that a couple of weeks ago, Grandma wouldn't let SD come in & eat Father's Day dinner with DH... she hadn't eaten then either so I assume she took her to a drive thru on the way home.. and SD was upset she couldn't eat with DH on Father's Day. Geez, MIL was there then too. She even went outside to talk to BM's mother then too. But, isn't it funny how now BM's mother can stand there for 30-45 minutes so SD can eat the food I cooked & they had to make sure if SD could sit with her daddy.

I know I just need to let it all go & make myself scarce when SD is around... and MIL is NOT invited to anymore parties, in fact she will be told not to come. I don't hate SD, I feel sorry for her but I can no longer have anything to do with that situation.

I wonder how much SD's Gma (BM's mother) gets pulled into all this and stuck in the middle without a clue to what actually is going on. This SD plays these people like a fine fiddle and SD uses all of them (the Gmas) like pawns in clever moves.

Maybe not, but I can almost picture this one going down as SD running to the car with 'plans' set on her mind. Jumps in and begins with:

'Gosh, I'm starving, Ima did not feed me all day as she was getting food ready for that party. Are we going to stop at the drive-thru and get me dinner?'

'No dear, I thought you were eating at the party'

'Ima said no, that I was leaving before dinner, then she sat all the food out there and it looks so good. StepGma and StepGpa are there too and they all are getting ready to eat but when I got in line and started filling a plate, Ima said no'.

And then the Gmas appear side by side comparing notes which of course are fed to them by SD.

'Oh, yes. SD tried to fill a plate and Ima told her no, she's not eating here'.

Of course it's all so easy to believe and to fall in line with the child's game because afterall, Ima took kid's shoes and treated BIL so badly. (anyone ready to gag yet!!)

Kid even played her Dad. It's mid afternoon, kid is being picked up for a long drive right as dinner is about to be served , kid is whining she's starving and Dad pulls in and fills kid up to tide her over until she gets to BM's hours from then...considerate of Dad. Oh, but when the filled up brat gets back to Ima's there's great smelling food being carried out and she now wants both. Subway and party food. And better yet, her two favorite pawn pieces aka the Gmas are present.

If I were Dad I'd of marched right over, confronted kid that an hour ago she was starving and he fed her, that she knew then party food was home but just had to have Subway. That he is disappointed in kid's attempt to play the poor me pity party and use her grandmothers in this manner. I'd then fill the brat a tupperware of food to take with her so she can heat it up hours from now when normal people would actually be hungry again and told the Gmas to mind their own business as he is father here and he knows what transpired and that it was kid's own decision to be picked up at the time she was. I would demand she apologize to him and to Ima for this sham of display and to her Gmas for using/abusing them. I'd then lecture the brat every step of the way back to the car not forgetting to mention to her that this is the last and final party/get-together that she will ruin and play drama queen.

"Imagine how well it would go over if he showed up at BM's house & SD gets in the car & says she hasn't eaten dinner... so DH gets out of the car & tells BM she needs to feed her before they can go... yeah right!!! "

LOL, there's a lead balloon.

Maybe DH should tell BM next time he picks SD up that she must eat dinner right before he picks her up even if she just ate big lunch.

SD spent last weekend here. When her grandma came to get her, I sent a bag of snacks back with her... sandwiches, chips, candy bars, crackers & a pop. (I hope she ate them in the car)

OMG! She also sent DH a text message asking for the shoes... she wrote "since the shoes you sent her over here in were full of holes, I had to send her in the new shoes I bought her & I'd like you to return them so she can use them here as I intended to begin with."

So, she never intended to get SD shoes to wear to school as she told us before? When all that happened, she said she bought the shoes because we don't ever send SD to school in proper clothes... so she had to buy those shoes & she mentioned those damn pants.

It's no wonder SD can't tell the truth... BM can't tell the truth because apparently, Grandma can't tell the truth.. her story keeps changing too.

DH says Grandma is trying the "try to be nice" approach to get what she wants with her text. I think I may need to explain to DH that it's not trying to be nice when she throws in the insult that we are not providing adequate clothes for a child her daughter refuses to support... she's gonna criticize the shoes we sent her in? And he thinks she's trying to be nice? Well, I guess for her, that may be as nice as she gets!

Why is grandma interfering? She is not a parent. My mom would not even keep track of what clothes she bought for DD and what DD wears, let alone ask my ex to return anything. Ridiculous.

--"Why is grandma interfering? She is not a parent"--

Well, if you put it that way, then why is this particular Gma having to buy shoes and clothing for her GD at all. No, I would imagine normal circumstances most Gmas don't 'keep track' but this is the Gma who does the buying regular and all but raises one of BM's kids and has to do the running back and forth for this GD.

I would not call it 'Gma interfering' when it is BM who requires her mother to do the running. And I can understand why this Gma asked the shoes to be returned...she bought them, she does the running of pick-up and she just 'lost' a pair a while back that did not return. (and no, I don't think those shoes should have been returned)

At least Gma seemed to have made a recovery in her approach about asking. Last time it was a free-for-all via the phone line. Is Gma being 'nice' as DH suggest? I doubt it, likely more just covering her butt as BM got whopped in court for being nasty and running her mouth. Wait til the 6 months are up, LOL.

With all that said, PO1, you're asking why Gma is interfering and attempting to parent here while she is not the parent. I'm sure Ima has asked herself many times why BM is not the one parenting. In fact that's part of the last free for all with Ima stating something about being time BM did parent. Afraid you're asking the wrong set of parent/stepparents the 'why' here. You'll have to ask BM's mother why she is the one trying to do some supplying and parenting here instead of BM.

That was rhetoric question, justmetoo.