i have experienced the extreme of this, them trying to destroy us. At first it was just to break us up, when they were in their early teens, now there is just such distain, I feel they are trying to destroy us. Virtually destroy us. They cause all sorts of trouble and make all sorts of claims. My DH and I can't even be alone in a room with them without some bogus claim. He is still torn because he left them with his ex knowing she was unstable when he divorced her. Guilt. They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again. They are poison and I am forced with making decisions based on their actions. Decisions I never thought I would make. I believed so wholeheartedly in 'unconditional love' but I guess I am not the person I thought I was. Not at all and I have to face that every day, I am ashamed that I don't love them. I am ashamed that I can't handle this anymore. I am not as strong as I believed I was. I tried so hard to love them, so hard for so long. I was so forgiving for so long, I didnt realize that my body was capable of forgivness for only so long. I didn't know that I had a 'forgivness limitation'. I never would have believed it but now I am forced to live with a whole bunch of realities that I cannot change. I cannot love them enough to affect them. I cannot force them to make peace with me. I dislike the person that they uncovered in me, the one with no more forgivness, the one who has exhausted the unconditional love I thought I had. Everyone can judge me and that is fine, but this is the raw reality of how I feel. Your personal judgement can't be any harsher than how I feel about myself and my choices, so have at it. I knew when I wrote this, how harsh this support board can be, I have been lerking for a while.

Mona, you're not crazy. I've had a little experience with what you're feeling. Older teen and young adult stepkids will sometimes feel threatened by a new family structure and they will try to assert control over activities and meals to "recreate" the old family structure. Often, Dad will pander to them because he's keen to maintain their interest in the family. However, kids can't run the family and we've had a few conflicts over the years, especially on vacations, when the big kid doesn't get her/his way. We've also had some problems with the big kid pressing Dad to spend money that he can't afford. You can solve some of this problem, to some extent, with advance planning. Prior to a visit, make sure that you and your husband have a plan in place for important meals (like Christmas dinner) and activities (like visits with relatives). If the big kids balk, be sure that you have an "out" for them so they won't cause problems (i.e. "We're taking baby to see Santa today at noon. You're welcome to tag along, or you can stay home and get some homework done"). Also, have a few pre-planned jobs in mind to keep them busy (i.e. they make cookies, wrap gifts or do a craft that you've purchased with the little kids). However, there will be times that you will just have to grit your teeth and bear it. That happened to me on Easter weekend when I was snafu'ed with an activity on Good Friday that I wasn't informed about and hadn't planned on. It didn't adversely affect my weekend, so I just smiled and went along. Rest assured, that the problem becomes less frequent as the big kids get older, and become occupied with their own careers and relationships.

Thanks for replying to my post. Looking back, that's what my Dad and Stepmother should have done - set up trusts for each child. I know my Dad did have some misgivings, but my stepsister was an Attorney and I think she planned this whole thing out. She knew their Wills were not good enough to do what they wanted with their estates. Well, there was a lot of fishy stuff going on. Signatures not matching up. Her lawyer witnessing the Will. Really odd stuff. The Attorney's I contacted agreed to all that, but since money was tied up outside the reach of the courts, it would have cost me too much money to go after it. One thing step-sis the attorney didn't do was contact all the heirs within the established timeframes allowed under the statutes of Ohio. Because of that I wrote a letter to the Probate Court Judge and asked how I would file a complaint against her. Guess what happened? Instead of the Court sending me the information, I received a letter from the Judge's assistant. He had contacted step-sis and her attorney and asked them about it. They told him there were no assets so they didn't have to contact anyone! (later on we did find out there were assets and they did have to go to probate). I thought what the court did was odd - I thought my letter to them would be confidential since I only asked for information. Let's say I was upset when I got the Court's response. I was so angry I decided to do a bit of investigating on the Internet. I was able to find out that the Judge's daughter was also an Attorney - and that she worked for the same Law Firm as step-sister's Attorney. Small world isn't it! And you're correct in saying that folks don't value personal integrity anymore. It's a shame that people can do this to others and they have absolutely no conscience at all. Step-Mom and Step-Sis knew I had lots of medical problems and would have to retire early on a small pension. I know my step-mom was very concerned - Dad too. Sigh. She'll get what she's due sometime. My Dad used to say - "What goes around, comes around." And I do have one more "payback" card that I'm holding up my sleeve - if I want to use it in the future. You see Step-sis is involved in Politics. She works for the City of Cleveland. If I ever see that she's running for office, I'm going send my packet of information to the press. I saved everything related to this case. I have plenty of documents. If I were a voter, I would want to know about the personal integrity of people running for office. Wouldn't you? So I'll keep monitoring the Cleveland newspapers and watch and wait. Ken

Well I have come to the conclusion that SD has serious problems. I have been to every website I can think of to look up adult children that were emotionally and physically abused as kids. The longer I am around her (She has only come home for a few days here and there) for the past 4 years. The more I noticed behavior that was just plain strange. She is either over the top emotional, cry's at the drop of a hat, or acts depressed one minute, manic busy the next,or slips into what I'd call baby behavior. Playing games on computor, watching almost what I'd call children's shows on TV. She still sucks her thumb when sleeping. Constantly twirling the same strand of hair. Calls dad Daddy, and flirty giggles like a 2 year old. She is a beautiful girl (mom very plain) I am sure their was a jealousy issue there, but shows absolutely no interest in the opposite or even same sex. A really cute kid her age was checking us out at the local grocery checkout and he was clealy trying to flirt a little with her, and she just acted blank. When we walked out I said he was cute huh!, there was absolutely no response. In group situations she won't make eye contact, almost act's like she's been beaten. Actually a cousin of mine asked me if she has been. She flinches sometimes. Says she wants to eat healthy, but sabotoges herself, pizza, chips, desserts. She is gaining weekly. She has been home 6 weeks and has not done one load of her laundry. A little history here. Their BM is a very distant relative. I did not met dad until BM had been gone a year. She left for another guy when daughter was senior in high school. She now lives alone because that guy couldn't take it. I did hear occasionally what hell went on in that house. From what I have gathered BM got physical, slapping hair pulling, slamming things throwing things. She suffered from depression and would not take meds. Sometimes she just left. BM many times would through such hysterical fits she had to be physically restrained. I am really wondering about sexual abuse. Older brother by 2 years, lots of time left alone with lots of brothers really rowdy friends. Drinking party's etc., She wears very revealing clothes, no bra's etc., I just think at this point this kid is a walking time bomb, and to be sent across the country to a high pressured school where she is going to be under tremendous pressure is like lighting the fuse. Thanks for letting me rant. I am now going to go swimming.