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What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Posted by doodleboo (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 7, 08 at 14:00

I really never realized what a pain in the ass grown children could be till I started posting here. I mean seriously!

I call my parents and visit them on a fairly regular basis. J does the same with his dad. We are a real close knit family but we don't INTRUDE on our parents life. Does anyone on this site know the difference between being CLOSE but not INTERFERING or am I the only one.

Is it a generational type thing where kids are not becoming self sufficient at adulthood anymore or WTF? I am not kidding. This is ridiculous. Don't these people realize that their parents spent their best years raising them and now deserve a semi-life of their own?

Whatever happened to seniors retiring and going RVing around the world with their spouses? You can't do that because GOD FORBID, your fourty year old daughter might need you to keep her kids for her so she can go on vacation or your 30 year old son may need to live with you because he's a slacker and can't hold a job. Jesus.

I understand that a parent is always a parent but that shouldn't mean you never have a life. I have a friend who is now in his mid fourties. His father was divorced from his mother and his dad eventually remarried. My friend was 20 and still living at home at the time and was giving the new wife (admittedly) all manner of hell. The woman almost left his dad over it it was so bad. His father finally told him "Look, you are an adult. This is my wife. It has come down to either you move out or she moves out so....Anchors away my boy." He joined the Navy and left home. This friend is still very close with his father but his dad was NOT going to let this grown man run his life. I think dad was within his rights if not as a PARENT then as a PERSON to have a life of his own without his adult son dictating every move he made.

Kid's stay on their parents titties way to long anymore. That's a blunt statement but it's a scarily true one.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

You are right, its disgusting. I'm of a firm mind that when you're 18 you are out the door! Unless, of course, you're home on summer break from college, but at least then you should be working to pay for your own activities.

Parents these days ENABLE their children leeching on them. By letting them stay at home through their 20's, not go to school, not get jobs etc.. be it out of guilt, over nurturing whatever the case. Its as though they don't want little johnny to suffer through any adversity in life, well adversity builds character.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I agree parents are enabling Sieryn. It's one thing if the kid is workikng and in school and isn't causing any drama for the parent but as SOON and I mean as SOON as they start causing waves they need to make like Dorothy and move it on down the road.

I lived with my parents untill I was 19. I paid them rent to help with groceries, did chores, helped mom cook, exc. I understood tht I was an ADULT and they were basically doing me a favor by letting me stay in that house. I was not going to cause them any trouble out of love, respect and gratitude. Now days these kids think they are owed something for nothing. Offspring (not children anymore) in their 40's are still stirring up the drama for their parents. To me this is totally adsurd and shame on the parents for allowing it.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I agree about some adult kids stirring up the drama. I think sometimes it is because adult children refuse to get their own life, I do not know why. I most certainly take care of my parents in time of need but I do not have time to interfer and intrude. And my DD-20 i so busy that she has no energy to stir drama. I don't think it is about money. there is a thread about grown kids spending every vacation with their father. I cannot imagine that. Kind of sick.

lack of boundaries. i also think that children need to be taught to have various interests so they have their lives.

I don't think it is wrong to live with your parents at any age as long as you maintain healthy boundaries and have your own life and keep yourself busy and out of parents life.

i also do not understand why adult children need to be so concerned who their parents date or marry. DD has very little concern about that as long as we are happy. She is not trying to be in the middle of everything I and her dad do. It is our business what we do. But i don't tell her who to date either. Boundaries should be both ways.


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Finedreams

I think the word BOUNDRIES hit the nail square on the head:) There are no more boundaries...unless of course like your DD and myself, the children get a life of their own to keep them exhausted.

Note to self: ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO GET A LIFE. HAHAHA.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Isnt taking care of grandchildren part of what families are about? I see a lot of parents taking children over age 18 back if they need help.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I think that we have seen a number of postings on this site about adult children taking advantage of their parents. In some of the cases I have read, the adult child manipulates the bio parent, and the step parent wonders why this keeps happening.

I am sure that this is a contributing factor in many failed second marriages.

Parents have to set boundaries, and when the kids become adults then they have to realize that mommy or daddy aren't going to drop everything for them at a moment's notice.

There is something terribly wrong with an adult in his or her twenties, who doesn't realize or care that they have become a parasite on their family.

If one parent gives in to the manipulation, then that puts a terrible strain on the relationship with their spouse.
Finding a good counselor might be the best option for the husband and wife at that point.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

It seems to me that biological parents feel a greater desire to help children and that children in intact families are more likely to have education paid for, etc. I think these things should be discussed before a second marriage.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

doodleboo, I totally agree with you. My adult stepchildren feel like they are entitled to everything we have. The SK's feel that we should tell them about all are financial transactions and property purchases. These are things we are purchasing together and I feel it is none of their business. When we no longer have to support them finacially I will not not expect them to tell me or DH what they are doing with their money.

I would like to know "What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?" too. SS called up one day and wanted to give DH a hard time about his dad not telling him that we purchased a used boat. Now what business is it of his what we purchase? If he came by we would of told him about it. SS feels DH should tell him when we purchase things. I feel this is our business. SS often will ask how much we paid for things. I would never do that with my parents and if they want to tell me about a purchase I let them do that on their own. I don't make them feel like they are suppose to tell me about purchases that they make.

I agree: what is with these adult children? They need to get their own life, jobs, friends, hobbies, etc.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

" * Posted by kkny (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 7, 08 at 20:13

It seems to me that biological parents feel a greater desire to help children and that children in intact families are more likely to have education paid for, etc. I think these things should be discussed before a second marriage."

I've lost track of how many times you have posted this. C'mon, what does that have to do with grown children that refuse to go off and make their own life?

If children in intact families are more likely to have an education paid for... then when the intact family is broken, the marital settlement agreement should include the provisions of how the children's education will be paid for. If that's done, there should be no question about it later in a second or third or fourth marriage. Why should it have to be discussed before the second marriage. If it's in the agreement, then all it would take is to explain to the second wife/husband that pursuant to my agreement, I'm paying $XX on my child's college education. Then the second wife/husband can choose to go through with or back out of the marriage. They can't change an order that exists. If it's not a part of the agreement, then it is assumed that they haven't agreed on anything or hadn't planned that far into the future.

I guarantee you that my husband did not ever discuss paying for his daughter's college education with his ex. When the time comes for her to go to college, it will depend on a few factors... her grades, her desire for college and his ability to pay for it. (as well as her mom's ability to help out)

I think it would be great if all divorcing couples would put it in their agreements and it would alleviate any argument from a future spouse.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

So if parents dont think about expenses of children, they dont have to pay? This is why I say talk it out before hand?

When posters talk about adults "in their twenties" I think this is relevant.

And I doubt many people put babysitting grandchildren in their custody arrangements, which I why I think people should talk about these things before they get marrried.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

It's not always the adult child, sometimes it's the parent. My father lives his life and my sister and I live ours. I speak to him almost every day, have ever since my mother died (I used to speak to her every day). We are very close, but he travels a lot and his kids don't keep him home.

His girlfriend (who he lives with) just can't leave her kids. The "kids" are 37 and 41. She calls them numerous times during the day and complains they never call her. When she and my father went to Europe she got an international cell phone just for the trip because she couldn't bear to not be able to call them all the time. She doesn't like to travel much because she doesn't want to be away from "her boys". It drives them and my father nuts. She acts like they are little kids. And they are very spoiled due to all this. She was a single mom after their father died (they were 8 and 12) and has spoiled them every since. Both of them have lived with them (in my father's house) in the past 2 years (after leaving a wife and girlfriend). Ever hear of an apartment? Neither my sister or I have lived at home since college! So, yes, they are spoiled and immature. But their mother is 100% to blame.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I'm gonna try to answer everyone:)

kkny,
Helping with the grandkids is a PART of family life...not the whole point of it. Key words being HELP and PART.

I also think money for school isn't the point. My parents are still together and still couldn't pay for my school regardless. I had to get off my butt and work to pay for classes. That's what the majority of students have to do. The girls stand a better chance of going to college with me in the picture than they would of had their parents stayed together because mom is a junkie and dad has no degree. Jonathan played in bands his whole life.

Athlete'
It is a HUGE contributing factor to failed second marriages as is the meddling EX. People are so quick to state second marriages are likely to fail but they never say why....there you go. Out of control kids and pain in the ass EX's. Nuff said. If all Ex's were easy to get along with and all children acted like respectable human beings that number would dramatically drop.

Boundaries are key with all children, step and bio. There is no excuse in the world for an adult child to be running their parents lives unless said child has a major dissability. Period.

Sunnygarden,
The child entitlement inigma....aaahhhhh. How bout no. I appreciated and still appreciate everything my parents ever did for me. I never felt like they HAD to do anything for me. It's not just adult step kids but just adult kids general. They have all gone brain dead when it comes to taking care of their own business. Where have parents these days gone wrong? You are suppose to teach your kids to be self sufficient and valuable members of society...not prep them to be whiney leeches that snub your wife/husband and won't get off the couch and get a job. What a miserable existance for them.

IMA,
You said a mouthful when you said "her desire for college". Any kid that really wants to go will find a way. I personally do not know very many kids that had their parents pay out and out for their school. Most of them worked two and sometimes even three jobs to pay for the classes. It sucks but the reality is the economy is ass right now and people are struggling. Teens had better buckle down and get those grades if they want to go to school these days. Unless Mommy is a Doctor it's probably going to be their only way.

Sue,
It's ALWAYS the parent. The parents feed the behavior. I put the blame squarly on the parents for not drawing the line in the dirt. Unconditional love can backfire when the kid never amounts to anything, you grow old LONELY because no one can stand your kids, you become mom/dad to your grandkids while your children party hardy every weekend....There has to be boundaries.


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Our agreement

J and I discussed all these scenarios and came to an agreement.

With the Grandkids-If we have no plans, sure we'll keep them. If we DO have plans or just don't feel like it that night, sorry. Maybe some other time. Our home will not become a 24/7 daycare service.

P.S. Jonathan says we WILL go RVing.
With disrespectful teens (step and bio)-It will not in any shape or form be tolerated. Not towards him, myself or any other adult...including the girls mother. They will have priveledges removed, they will be restricted whatever it takes for them to understand that there will be respect towards adults in our home.

Adult children (step and bio)- rudeness will be called out.

Visits will be welcomed of course but not last minute drop ins simply because we will not be home. We are stuck home all the time now. When our kids are grown we are going to be hitting the town. Going to movies, going to dinner, going to the beach. The kiddo's will learn it's best to call prior or they will probably miss us. We are not gonna sit at home all the time in case the kids drop by.

Adult kids moving back in....they had better be dying, disabled or going through a divorce, other than that, they can handle it. I know they'll be ablt to handle it because they will have been RAISED to handle it.

Bottom Line....we love the girls and we are going to love our baby too. When they are GROWN we are going to enjoy what's left of our lives. We are going to do all these things we want to do but can't because we have children. The kid's will always be a huge part of our lives...always. But they will not be the only part. We want to enjoy time with each other at some point as well. I don't think that is selfish at all. I think that's suppose to be the natural order of things.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

This is something that has been on my mind lately. I feel really out of place in my generation and I'm sure that those of you who are around my age (29) do, too. I fall sort of between generations. I am too old to feel the entitlement that the younger 20's feels, but I'm too young to have the whole "we had to leave the house at 18" experience. I started working part-time at 15, graduated high school early and got a full-time job at 17. I moved in with my X at 17 and started supporting our home. I did move home twice. The first time was because I was pregnant and X went over-the-road (he's a truckdriver) to make more money. The entire family agreed that it would be a good idea for meto move back while X was gone so that we could save money and there would be people to help me. The other time was when I left X. I had to do it quickly and my parents were there for DS and I. I did however repay the favors when they moved in with me after they sold their home and my dad got laid off. All of the instances were short-lived and we approached them as thought they were not permemant or even ideal. I never went to college. I wish I had stayed with my parents longer so I could've done that. But even though I come from an intact family, they couldn't afford to help me with college. They still had 2 kids at home. I still would've had to do it all myself.

I've noticed this trend in the people I seem to encounter. They live their lives for their kids. They don't want to teach their kids to be independent because the kids would leave them when they grow up. Then husband and wife wouldn't even know eachother because they've spent almost their entire marriage focused on the kids.

It is my strong belief that the marriage is the foundation of the home and everything is built upon that. I came to this conclusion after doing a lot of soul-searching before and after my divorce (and not wanting to mess up another marriage). I love my son dearly. But he is not my life. My FDH is not my life, either. I have my own life and my own interests. If they want to be a part of that, great! If not, that's okay, too. The great part is that I am no longer sad when DS goes to his dad's. I stay busy and plan on doing things for myself during that time. I play a very active part in DSs activities, but they don't rule my life. Same goes for DS and FDH and FSD. When we all come together with our own interests, it makes for really interesting conversation. FDH asks about bellydancing. I ask FDH about golf. We ask DS about video games or baseball and talk to FSD about things going on with her in NM.

But I can guarantee that when there are no kids at home, I will know the man I marry. I will know how to make him happy until we die. He will know me and will know how to make me happy. We will never be bored.

Here's the controversial part. Raising kids is only a portion of a person's life. Yes, you may be a parent forever, but you only raise a kid for 18 years out of..let's say......80. If I never have any more kids, I will be 38 when DS leaves the house. That's pretty darn young. And I plan on living the next 40 years to the fullest.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Ashley'

Ahmen. That's how I feel too. Families are what you live for but the kids arn't the only branch on a family tree. You have to nurture OTHER family relationships as well. That's what I meant when I said "the natural order of things." Meaning this:

The kids are priority when they are minors and they depend on parents for their care,safety,teachings,love and guidance. But once that child is grown and has a family of their own it is the PARENTS turn to love and nurture each other. You spend your entire life from the day your child is born putting your needs on the back burner. Once the child has flew the nest it's time to live a little...not be on constant standby in case Jr. (age 40) needs you for something.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Completely agree with doodleboo,

My husband and i are in agreement. Kids have to prepared and told and made responsible. They need to be taught and also they need to realize that just because its daddy;s and mommy stuff its not theirs. They need permission to use anything and they must realize thats its not theirs. We as parents enable our kids and if we do not state boundaries they will always feel entitled.
#1. Money and purchases are not the kids business. Step or bio. dont care. My husband and i purchase something its ours, not theirs. They get to enjoy it because they are with us. They do not own anything.
#2. At 16 i expect them all to get jobs. and begin pitching in.
#3. At 18 i expect cash every month. Do not care if its a biokid or step. Your under my roof , you are an adult and i expect you to pitch in. Now if you do not have a job because of full time school, i expect high marks, and i also expect for the kids to do their chores and to help clean the house. This includes putting the groceries away, cooking, and cleanin gthe dishes.
I am not a maid to no one and this includes my husband ...lol...
People now adays are just raising brats, entitled spoiled brats. Its unreal!
My Ss asked me a few months ago how much i earn...i told him ' its none of your business, how much does your mother earn?" He went silent.
Sd asks when will you buy a house cause i need a change.....lol..i laughed so loud! My husband heard me from inside the house. I told SD i'm not buying one yet and when i buy one it will be for me and your father to decide. I'm comfortable here and buying a house is not my priority because you want a change of atmosphere. Tell your mom to sell her house so you'll have a change of scenary.:) I basically told her after that she has to realize what we buy as parents and this includes hermother is not hers. She is not entitled to it unless we officially say it is yours, do whatever you want with it.
She didn't like it. She assumes that what we have is hers. I corrected her. What i have with your dad is not yours, its not your brothers and its not my sons. Unless i give it, its mine and your dads.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Seems like the general consensus on this thread is that once the kid turns 18, the parents should cease having any real obligation to continue to care for them beyond just what happens to be convenient for them. The logic being "we spent our best years raising you and now we want to live our own lives".

I am interested to hear opinions about what should be expected of an adult child when the parent(s) need help with a major move or with everyday errands or home/car repairs, or go thru their own divorces or job loss or business failures, or become alcoholics or acutely depressed, or become disabled or sick and may not be able to afford outside help. Any of these things could very well happen during (and suck up a good portion of) the adult child's "best years" ---moreover, when the adult child is simultaneously trying to build a career and/or a family of their own--- and present a real quandary. On the one hand, strictly fair logic would dictate that adult children, like their parents, have no obligation whatsoever to help their parents in any way. But this hardly seems very caring or family-like, and surely many of the same parents who have the "get the h3ll out on your 18th birthday" attitude would see their children as heartless selfish brats if they failed to offer any assistance. So which circumstances are dire or extenuating enough ---on either side--- to cause either parent or adult child to feel an obligation and thus permeate the ironclad "my life/your life" wall? Is it as simple as "they better be dying, disabled or divorced?", as Doodleboo says? What about other types of unforseen and perhaps equally intense occurences? Where are the lines drawn? Who decides?


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I think a parents obligations go beyond age 18. And so does the law in my state. But even if it didnt, I would still view it as my obligation to help her with college, etc. As to dying or disable, of course that would extend obligation. As to divorce, that would to, but I would hope that my helping make certain my DD has a good education and a career, she can, if she has to, better deal with a divorce.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

"Seems like the general consensus on this thread is that once the kid turns 18, the parents should cease having any real obligation to continue to care for them beyond just what happens to be convenient for them."

I'm not sure we are reading the same thread. I don't think anyone has said that. My parents have been there for me and I've been there for them. When they had no place to go, they lived with me. When I had no place to go, I lived with them.

But I don't think your kids should be raised to believe that they have carte blanche to do whatever they want after they are 18. My son knows that he is expected to attend college directly after high school. No questions about it. He is expected to make good grades and apply for scholorships. Of course if some major life event happens and that is not possible, we'll go from there. But I'm not going to give on this until something actually does happen. I don't want him to create a life changing event just to get out of going to college. If he's still living in my home while he's in college, he will have responsibilities around the house and will be expected to maintain good grades. If that's not acceptable for him, he can move out.

I really don't think that's too much to ask. Actually, I think it's a good plan to raising an independent man who is a productive member of society. Not some mamma's boy who needs a wife to raise him.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Can anyone here argue that a child that turns 18, parties all night, sleeps all day, not in school, won't hold a job or clean up after themselves and thinks that because they are 18 and legally an adult, they can do whatever they want and you have no say in your house anymore.. that the child can stay living there under those conditions for as long as it takes them to 'grow up'? GET REAL!!!

Children are entitled to be taken care of. Children... not grown children. That's the whole reason there is a 'legal' age. Whether it's 18 or 21 in your state... the legal age is there to say 'ENOUGH!' when you have a leach of a child. If you have a great kid that is in school and pulls their own weight or you just enjoy their company and they are not draining you, then let them stay as long as you want. It's a personal choice and adult children are NOT entitled to stay as long as it takes... it is up to the parents and what the parent's choose to do.

As for adult children helping parents, the natural order of things is that little children depend on their parents. The parent's job is to teach them to be self sufficient and they go into the world to have their own life. Then when the parents get old, the children take care of the parents. If the children don't take care of the parents, but choose to send the parent to a 'home' or pawn it off on others, then they are teaching their children by example, that you don't have to take care of your parents and when they become old, they should not be surprised when their children put them in a home and not visit. Our children learn what they live, not only what we tell them. If they never see the parents taking responsibility, they learn that too.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I second that ima! the age 18 or 21 is there to set a limit and at times it also protects the parents.
Just this morning on a radio show they were talking about children, 18 plus, who feel entitled to anything from their parents. IT even gave an absurd example. My husband came runnign to tell me about it!
Get this, A couples kids, both in their mid to late 20's , one a lawyer and the other an accountant, demanded that their parents pay for their move out so they can save money! My husband freaked! I told him i would have packed everything and thrown it out on the street if my kids did that to me. The parents paid for all their education and they get a slap like this in the face! The host said that the parents refused flat out!.
Its disgusting.
I told him i hope our kids dont do that. He said we dont need to worry about this. WE will raise our kids to be responsible and act accordingly. If you raise them properly they do leave the nest and they are eager to leave. They want freedom. And i agree.
My financial advisor came last week and i brought up the subject. Her kids are in their mid 20's. She said, no i raised them properly. They both left the house . one at 21 and the other at 22. In their teens they pitched in helping about the house and paying bills. She said she didn't charge them rent cause she didn't have to. They pulled their weight and wanted to help as a group family unite. There was no need to set time or age limits.
So, i'm glad i saw this first hand. Raise them well with respect and responsibility and you will not need to set limits.
Spoon feed them and then deal with the consequences!


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

DD is 20 and full time in college and of course she does not pay her own tuition. It is expensive college, but she works and does not party or sleep all day and she does well in college. My problem is not wiht people supporting whoever at any age. I am there for anyone in my family as they are for me. My problem is wiht lack of boundaries. I know that if I or her dad would get terminally ill (G_d forbid) DD would not ask how much money we leave her or if we leave her our houses. She does not know how much money we have. I do not interfer in parents' life either.

kkny I am biological parent and I would do anything for DD but DD does not run my life. She has her own. I doubt your DD spends days and nights agnoyzing what her dad and his SO do, how much money she is going to get if you and he dies or wants to be all over her dad all the time. Right? she has a life. same wiht my DD. she has a life. Other adult children don't.

Just look at recent threads: demanding ill parents to leave money to them, demanding all kind of favors, spending every vacation and weekend wiht parents, constantly jealous of SPs etc. That's lack of boundaries. It is a problem. helping each other is not a problem.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

IMA and Finedreams again hit the nail on the head.

It's not "forgetting" that you ever had children when they turn 18 but rather setting up boundaries and having a life of your own after they become adults. There is NO REASON why a parent should have to base their day to day activities on what a grown child needs. None.

That's not to say you never do anything with your grown children or never keep the grandkids but it shouldn't be your main lot in life. If it is you have no life of your own and that's sad. I would HOPE all of your children would ENCOURAGE you to live a little after spending so many years selflesly devoting your lives to their care. If not they are selfish little turds. If that statement pissed you off I'm probably talking to you:)

As for parents needing kids help....I worked in a nursing home for some odd years. Believe me, kids do NOT have a problem dumping their parents off in a raising ranch and going about their personal lives when said parents start cramping their style. Many didn't even receive family visits during the holidays and as a result the death rate went up around those times. No jokes that place had a waiting list of people trying to get their parents in.

I personaly wouldn't expect my child to neglect their own family in order to take care of me. The children should have the same consideration for the parents when they become adults.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Well obviously this is a real sore subject for me seeing as two of my adult s-kids ages 25 & 29 with 4 yr old G-son are living here, AGAIN. No privacy, take our things, use our personal things, go into our bedroom without asking. All ok with DH, not me.

When we first got married my son was in high school & DH was on his A** for every little thing he did, DH was extremely cold and judgemental towards him. He made it very than obvious to my DS that he was tolerating him & nothing more. Even removed the valve stems & flattened his tires on his car the night before graduation because he was angry my son stayed out all night before last day of school. (this was a huge blowout and almost ended things) He made him feel very unwelcome and that should have been my sign to leave. I truly believe my DH has a inability to care for someone elses child.

My son got out as soon as he could and is doing wonderfully I am so grateful that we still have a very close relationship. He would have been totally justified in resenting me for not leaving then.

I should mention I also have a 31 yr old S-son who has been on his own since 18, worked & paid his own way through college and is highly succussful & on his own out of state.

These two have both had the opportunity to go to college with tuition paid and have both declined and started on their chosen career paths. Both are totally financially able to support themselves but choose to live here. Why? Well we were told to save up for down payments to buy homes however, they have NO bills and spend their earnings on whatever they want (boats,motorcycles,cars,bars,concerts). Wish DH & I could afford some of those things.

I do believe DH has a need to enable them/feel needed. It has definately been a huge factor in DH & I growing apart emotionally. He is so overwrought with workng himself to death helping adult kids manage their lives and finances that there is nothing left for us. We dont talk about our hopes, dreams the future. All we talk about is the drama and he never asks about my job, life etc, total non interest or he is just to fried to bother asking.

The Skids are aware their father has nothing for retirement, must basically work until he dies, is working 16-18 hour days and paying for their cell phone bills,co signing on loans etc, yet they still have a sense of entitlement. Why wouldn't they? He never say's "no" or "I'm sorry I just can't". They even joke about it.

And SS 29 sucessfully gets DH to babysit every weekend night that he is here because he puts g-son down to sleep then if we are just relaxing or trying to decide what we might want to do he says he wants to go out to the bar with his friends and since we are just sitting there & kids asleep would we mind? Well, he NEVER asks me, & DH ALWAYS says yes, so there you go.

So paying for their college so they can move forward is not always an option because sometimes adult kids do not WANT TO get an education and get a life of their own. Especially when they know they can bleed one or both of their parents for everything they've got.

I think the answer is to have higher expectations of your kids, not make living with you as an adult an option, and making certain from an earlier age they are to be self supporting, contributing members to society and have a happy life of their own, cause Mom & Pops want to ENJOY their older years and having them come to VISIT (then go home!).

Unfortunately DH & I are not on the same page here at all and it will probably be what ends our marriage. I am not willing to be destitute in my retirement yr.s because he wants to support his kids forever and I'm not willing to sacrifice having any emotional intimacy with my partner because he is to busy working like a dog to have time for me. I love him, but really there is no room for a wife in this home, that's for sure.

I'm so sick of their sense of entitlement living off us while my son is busting his butt workin 60 + hours a week and going to school full time (which is what he should be doing!) out of state. He is doing great & he is much happier out of this house, so it's been a good thing for him but it makes me so very resentful towards my DH. You know my DH never & I mean NEVER even asks how my son is? Yet I am expected to live my whole damn life around his adult kids drama. It's insulting, degrading and lets me know exactly where I stand in the pecking order-at the bottom.

KK asked isn't taking care of grandchildren what it's all about? Ummm, not constantly, with no appreciation. Not when you get suckered into it all the time. Not when there is something special you would like to take your G-kid too and then oh no that's not convienent for skid. No, that's not what it's all about. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship and marriage for your adult kids/skids-PERIOD.

Hmm for the 6 months S-son & G-son were living in their apt guess how many times they came over to visit (15 min away rom us)? NONE. Guess how many times they called to ask us out to dinner & to pay because SS & GF wanted to take their littles to a nice resturaunt, oh about once a week. I didn't always go but DH did, and always paid. Guess how many times they have gotten DH a birthday card since I've known him (9 yr.s)? Never. Christmas gifts/or even just a card? Never. But they always show up wanting theirs.

What is it with these adult kids? I do not know. I have never given my son the idea that I was going to support him into adulthood, that is ridiculous. He needs to be able to survive out there in the big bad world without being dependant on others. He needs to be able to support a family if he wants one. I want him to be his own man and know what is feels to work your butt off and be a success and also how to learn from his failures, dust himself off & get on with it. I don't want him to need someone to carry him through life, that's not normal!

I don't believe there is any solution when you & your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to financially supporting Adult kids. The only one that comes to my mind is to get a life of your own.

DH doesn't want to go to counseling or a financial planner, I think because he knows what they are going to tell him. It is sad because deep down DH & I really love each other, but love just isn't enough. One of my husbands greatest qualities-generosity- is also his biggest downfall. And the kids know it. I do not believe they repsect him and it makes me so sad for DH.

I've become very disengaged from them all, DH too. DH seems perplexed that I am searching for a travel position so I can live elsewhere. Doesn't understand why I'm not happy here-sheesh I wonder. I'll bet you'd all be surprised to know that my Skids & I all get along just fine, btw. We all have a perfectly amicable relationship.

I know one thing for sure, if our marriage does not survive I will never do it again, skids or no skids.

Well, that's my rant. Guess this really IS a sore subject for me.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I read an article a few years back that stated studies show the main cause of first marriages ending in divorce is money. The main reason for divorce in second marriages are due to children.

My husband could tell his son no after I pointed out that he is the cause of his son's money problems. He caused them by cosigning notes when money lenders wouldn't because he was to deeply in debt. But when it came to the daughter's pleas and their crocodile tears he could not say no. In no case were they out of a job or ill, it was just mismanaging their money. With every loan it it chipped away at our marriage.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Adult children ages 25 and 29 should not be living with their parents unless they have a serious illness.

Certainly it seems that these "kids" are looking for convenience at any cost to the parents. Once a pattern has been established, it's hard to break. A father might feel he is helping his children out in this situation, but he's actually making it worse for them. They have become dependent, and they are now limiting their outside potential.

As long as they can come running home, they can fail at any job or relationship and the parents end up paying for it.

Just to stay at home longer, the "kids" sometimes spend all of their money and even get into debt. Responsibility avoidance extends to having you watch their small children while they go out with their friends all hours of the night.

The problem is the parent who allows this to happen. There is something wrong with someone who doesn't want to have a life with his/her spouse, and uses the adult kids as an excuse. This is pure manipulation.

Meanwhile the spouse loses privacy in her/his own house and gets pushed aside in favor of the adult "kids". A parent who can never say "no" to his/her kids is going to continue asking for trouble, and so it will happen again and again.

The spouse watches and waits patiently for a better day, but in some cases it doesn't come or it comes too late.
It gets to the point where a line in the sand has to be drawn and the enabling parent needs to be given a choice with a time deadline.

Or the spouse can decide that they have had enough of the enire situation and that it will never get better. So the only real adult in the house leaves.

I wonder what the true reaction of the adult "kids" would be to this. Would they really be sorry, or would they have achieved a conscious or subconscious aim to destroy their parent's marriage? Now with the adult parent gone, they can take adantage of the enabling parent even more.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Athlete,
I think the reaction of the Adult kids here will really be no reaction. They are too busy doing what they want to do to be concerned about our status as a couple.

They will probably feel bad for their Dad but I am sure not much more will be thought of it. Sadly I think DH will be devastated, he seems to really like having me here keeping the homefires burning I guess, even though he is gone most of the time?

No illness with either of the kids, the original purpose of their moving in "temporarily" was to save for a down payment on a house but that hasn't been mentioned again.

What else can I do but get on with it & live my life? I miss DH a lot but really even when he is here he is so stressed out and generally in a poor mood..I'm sure my being temporarily unable to work is not going to help much either. Time to Ebay away some clutter I think.

(presently I just injured my knee and am to be off my feet til I see the surgeon-nice huh? Now I am really getting anxious, this puts off my travel nursing gig for the moment :0( I'm not happy with that)


~Cat


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

I Love all the comments.Going thru some of this also.It certainly is the parents fault, when no lines are drawn.Iam a step parent to three. All in their 30's.They think they are entitled to the business property.The business I helped my husband build, the last six years.Reading this helps me think about what to say when drawing the lines. Thanks.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Athlete, I totally agree with you.I didn't share yesterday but,this is the same situation with us.Almost six years of marriage,husband's ex has been filing fraudulent liens,used to call and be a royal B. to me.I just hung up on her.And called a lawyer.She filled the grown children full of lies. Saying they are entitled to the property, which documents show it was paid .Her name is not on anything anymore.Husband does not draw lines which has been a real problem with 2 of the kids.A daughter married with children. She uses her child to get bad behavior across to me.She was 9 at the time.Stating Grampa married a dog.Grampa told her if she continued to behave like that,she would not come over any more.I think the mother to this child is on drugs or has some mental issues.Which my husband wants to ignore.There are days when I feel like Iam alone in this marriage.The last few months, it did get some better.It's not the grand child's fault.I can talk to her,which is good.I"ve just stepped back from the situation & holidays. Which is fine for me. But oldest son brags about making big money, then in the next breath he's asking Dad to bail him out of his payments on his house. Which my husband cannot afford.He makes a third of what son makes.So, my question is- where's the money ?He said Dad better unlock a door to the tool room or he was going to break the door.This was at the business. Dad needs to handle this.He is 35 years old and been in trouble with the law , before.Thanks for letting me rant, share.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Reading all these posts has been an eye opener for me as well as an affirmation to myself. I have no kids and my BF has an 18 and 20 yo. The 20 yo still lives at home, barely got through HS, no job, no education/training, and no ambition to do anything. He tells his Dad "I'm just a kid" when his Dad expects something of him. He expects to be paid if he does anything around the house. I blame my BF for his son's lack of respect and ambition - he has put his kids on a pedestal for so long and the kids still think everything should revolve around them.
Gosh I am SO glad that I am not living in this household. It would drive me nuts. After reading these posts, I know that I will never, never, ever consider living with/marrying someone who is still supporting their grown children. Time will tell for our union, but right now I am quite content coming home alone to my cozy, clean and drama-free home.


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RE: What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?

Good for you Doodleboo and I admire you for speaking out like you did. I spent 20 years raising my kids and was told by my sister I was the best Mom she had ever knew. My sons are worthless, the worse mistake I ever made was having children. One just wants my money and I finally told him no more so he cussed me out. My oldest did not ask for money, but he wouldn't work. Had 3 beautiful children and wouldn't take care of them. If I had a chance to live my life over and retain my knowledge, no marriage and no kids. I might have a boy toy, but that's it. LOL Here I am alone at 75 years of age with no one who cares about me except for a couple of neighbors. Needless to say my heir is a college.


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RE: What is t he FREAKING deal with adult children?

I should have read more of the replies. I expected to help my sons at times of difficulty. I let each son bring their family to Kansas to look for work and saving for a place to live while they lived with us. I baby sat while they both worked. As they got older my sons and the steps all got paid went shopping then could not pay their bills, they ask for our savings. My 2 sons and 3 steps all did that, my older son not so bad. We watched them do that for years. Why should we help them when they waste their money and want our savings. I asked one of them one time why everyone comes to us for money. The reply was "you are the only ones with money". We had money because we manage it well. My step daughter called her Dad one night for the first time in a year and she lived right in town. Then she called again the next morning. I looked at my husband and said "what's going on, she never calls and now two times in 12 hours". She wanted money, she asked her Dad for money knowing he had Alzheimer's. I told him no and he agreed. I went to the bank moved our savings to an account with my name only and him as POD. If she had asked for $100,000. and said she would pay him back tomorrow he would have given it to her. It's disgusting trying to get money out of someone with AZ or dementia of any kind. My husband could say no to his son, but the daughters cried those big crocodile tears and he caved every time. Wow, this brings up some bad memories. I think I will go watch a movie.


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