What is the FREAKING deal with adult children?
doodleboo
15 years ago
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doodleboo
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
what to advice adult children about relationships
Comments (8)There's a difference between you giving her unsolicited advice and her specifically asking you for it. My kids ask me for advice on lots of things (they're around the same age as your daughter) and I think carefully and then tell them what I think they should do. What I THINK they should do. Ultimately the decision is up to them and if they didn't do what I said, I'd be ok with that. But in fact, they pretty much always follow my advice. So I think they really WANT to know what to do. They're counting on my help. In fact once my son asked me advice on a fairly touchy subject which I didn't really want to get involved with. I hemmed & hawed but he pushed and pushed till I finally said what I thought. So he said, see? you did have an opinion, you just didn't want to say it. Of course he was right. But I did say it and he did do what I said and it did turn out for the best. I was like you, I felt that he needed to do what was right for him. The problem was that he simply didn't know what was right for him. I mean, he couldn't think of all the implications of either choice, and he was very scared of the possible results of either choice. I think there's a lot to be said for life experience which I have but which my kids have not yet acquired. Sometimes they just need to get that perspective. You didn't ask about what advice you should give your daughter, but I'm going to say what I think anyway. My advice (if she were my daughter) would be to end the relationship and move out asap. I firmly believe that staying in a dead relationship for the sake of convenience is a mistake. The longer she stays with someone that she has no future with, the more she will miss opportunities to meet the RIGHT mate. why fix somehting what isn't broken But in fact, it IS broken. Once either or both come to the conclusion that they will not stay together forever, it's broken....See MoreAdult children living at home.....
Comments (35)Hi loladoon, Thanks for posting again, and I'm sorry to hear about your stress and depression over this. Perhaps you and your child need a vacation away from your partner and his son. Spending several days or a week in a different environment might give you a fresh perspective. As a father myself, it's hard for me to understand why your partner does not expect more from his son. The father has to deal more effectively with him and get the young man out on his own. A few good first steps would be for the dad to get rid of the video games and enforce reasonable hours for going to bed and getting up in the morning. If he's not willing to do that soon, it's doubtful that he'll ever be able to effectively deal with this situation. The son needs to go into therapy as well, but he won't unless his dad makes him go. You've already been discussing this for two years and nothing has changed. You can't be the fix it person here. The dad and the son have to do that themselves. At a minimum, I would cool things off for a while and see if anything changes. Meanwhile, you might get active with your friends again and start meeting new people....See MoreAdult Step-children
Comments (29)Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself....See MoreAdult children and vacation homes
Comments (97)Wonder how things worked out for James? Funny this resurfaced. All of our kids are old enough to drive now, and two of them are much closer to the house than we are (like an hour and a half versus 3.5 for us, if all the stars are aligned. My stepson and his family are the closest, at an hour away, but they have kids now and are much too busy to hop up there, but they do spend a week with us over the summer, and sometimes we have ThxG there too. All of my kids, without prodding, ask first. They have all used the house on their own with friends. We have groundrules and the kids have taken good care of the house. None of my kids are really partiers, though I am sure they are not angelic. In the latest instance, my DD and her friends insisted on chipping to for cleaning, and Venmo'd us $500. Since there were 10 of them, it was a great deal for them for a weekend away....See Morefinedreams
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