Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
In-laws Awkward Behavior

Posted by DawnSmith (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 29, 13 at 13:30

Hi. Over the weekend, my fiance, his parents, his son, myself, and my 2 children went to an amusement park. I would like to share a few things and ask for some opinions as well.

1. GP's bought treats (5) for their bio-grandson (5 yrs old). Never offered to my children. Luckily, my children were gracious & said nothing (9 & 11 yrs). I packed treats, offered to everyone and everyone accepted my offers.

2. G-Pa, fiance, and I went off to play a golf game. G-ma offered to keep all 3 kids while bio-son finished his snack. My kids would lead them to us because they know the park well. When they were coming to our location, 5 yr old lags behind, stops and says he wants to ride the kiddy coaster. G-ma calls ahead (once) to my kids, they didn't hear her, so she just let them go and took bio-grandson on the ride. AFTER the ride, she calls me and says she doesn't know where my kids are. THANK HEAVENS I started walking "back" to them after the game just to ensure they found us and ran into my kids half way. Should I be upset about this or not? I said nothing about it.

3. Fiance was more concerned about his own good time then if his son had fun. I'm speechless with this one! Caught we by total surprise, not usual behavior.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I certainly would be upset. To offer 1 child out of three a ride or treat of any kind is beyond rude, it is cruel. I truly hope you don't marry into this family.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Emma, I was so surprised, they are generous and polite people. The one time I headed up to a food counter to get my kids a snack, I asked everyone if they wanted anything.
Something else I thought was odd.. it was my birthday and they gave me a card. They are fully aware of all I have done for their son and grandson. They have stayed at my home a few times and I have cooked countless meals for them. They are very comfortable financially and not frugal by any means. I don't mean to sound like I expected a present....but do you understand what I mean?
I just don't get it.
Should I talk to my fiance about any of this?


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Dawn, you are a very giving person, and it seems you expect everyone else to be as giving as you are.

It doesn't mean you are wrong or the future in-laws are wrong, just that ya'll have different expectations. I would definitely talk to your fiance about your concerns and see what he thinks. Some people just aren't as giving as others. You need to see how your BF views this.

Something to think about - your BF may be just like his parents. While you may have no issues with driving his son to see him every weekend, spending money on snacks and rides for his son, would he be willing to do the same for you or your kids? I'm not saying you do these things because you expect them in return, but if you are willing to do more than your BF is willing to do for you, the relationship is going to have problems.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I think you are completely right Amber.

Is it wrong of me to assume that everyone should recognize the give & take? Giving comes in so many fashions, not just $. Time, gestures, doing a chore you know the other person dislikes, a hand made card, a genuine thank you, you see what I mean with all this.

Is this give & take philoshopy (spelling is not my forteit!) not a given.
This is so new to me, I have never been in this type of situation.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I think you are completely right Amber.

Is it wrong of me to assume that everyone should recognize the give & take? Giving comes in so many fashions, not just $. Time, gestures, doing a chore you know the other person dislikes, a hand made card, a genuine thank you, you see what I mean with all this.

Is this give & take philoshopy (spelling is not my forteit!) not a given.
This is so new to me, I have never been in this type of situation.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

It certainly looks like your BF and his family are not ones to recognise give and take. Personally I think it very rude of them to not include your children in the treats; I was always taught that if you offer something to one person in a group, you should offer it to all. If you don't wish to do that, then wait until you are alone.
I really think you need to sit down and think this through, because however generous and polite you think your potential in-laws are, they have shown their true natures now. I'm not saying they're awful, but clearly they're on their own wavelength (one that doesn't seem to include you and yours). And it's likely that your BF will be on the same wavelength.
As to the perception that BF seemed more focused on his own enjoyment than his son's, do you want someone like that in a position of responsibility vis a vis your own children, and do you want to have children with someone like that?


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

i can fully understand why you would be upset, I would be too, that is just down right rude, buying for thie bio g-son and not yours, imagine how your poor children must have really felt, even if they didn't say anything, your BF should have been the the one to stand up and say something here. i would most deffiently be saying something to him about it.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Not only was your boyfriend's mom rude but irresponsible, too! You left your children with her in an amusement park and she let them out of her care. I really think you need to sit down with your BF and set some guidelines down. Your children need you to protect them.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I don't think it is about giving I think it is about showing everyone that your children are not her grandchildren. I knew a family like that years ago and it never changed. When questioned about it the grandmother said the child is not my grand child. I partly agreed with the grandparents in that case because they wanted to take their grandson to lunch or to the park and they didn't want to be responsible for 2 other children. They wanted one on one with their grandchild, but what Dawn described is a different thing. I could never show such favoritism in front of other children. I love children... all children.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Thank you everyone for you thoughts and advice! I have to eat a bit of crow here now. When I got home from work yesterday, there was a FedEx package on my doorstep addressed to my children.

Inside was a card for each of them from my BF's parents. It was a thank you card for spending the day with them and an Itunes gift card for each. The note read, "We respect your mom's wishes on limited treats. Please enjoy some music instead."

The third card was for me and read, "Next time dinner is on us, you are not allowed to cook or clean and dessert is not optional. Don't aruge with your elders."

Life is never black and white, I need to remember this and have faith that everything happens for a reason and most people do not go out of their way to wrong others. My kids often tell me to "chillax", I should take their advice as well! Thanks again!!


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Okay, call me a conspiracy theorist, but why did the grandparents Fedex all these gifts and not just send them regular mail? Why the quick rush to send gifts?

It sounds like someone said something to the grandparents, they realized they made a boo boo, and are now rushing to correct their mistakes.

Did you say something to your BF or them? It’s rather curious this happened over the weekend and a day later they decide not only to send gifts for your kids, but also to include a card saying next time they would cook and clean for you, exactly the things you had complained about?

I would not be too quick to forgive and forget on this, Dawn. First impressions are lasting. Unless you said you didn’t want your kids to have snacks, there is no reason why they couldn't have at least offered snacks to your kids in the first place.

And why did the grandparents say they respect your wishes on "limited treats"? Why do they think that you didn't want the kids to have a lot of treats?

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Tue, Jul 30, 13 at 10:10


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Amber, good points. I will clarify. :) G-ma works for FedEx, they always send Valentines, Easter, b-day stuff via that delivery.

Bio-grandson is very accustomed to having treats and candy at his whim. I have taken the "in moderation" approach since my kids were little and G-parents have witnessed that over the last year. I am frugile and a bit on the health nut side and my children understand that no means no.

As far as cooking and cleaning, well... I cook for them often and they know how busy I am with work and kids activities. They can see by the condition of my home that I spend time cleaning (as do my kids!). I believe it was just there was of saying next time I can relax and they have dinner covered. (they didn't say they would clean for me, just that I didn't have to clean and cook myself)

I did not have the opportunity to talk to my BF about any of these prior to getting home from work and receiving the cards. Now I am glad I didn't.
The reason I posted my original message was because the behavior was abnormal and I was confused. Some of this is due to my own previous behavior always planning the meals and such. I am a planner and they are the "wing it" type more so. Maybe this is their way to get me to wing it sometimes too.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Amber, good points. I will clarify. :) G-ma works for FedEx, they always send Valentines, Easter, b-day stuff via that delivery.

Bio-grandson is very accustomed to having treats and candy at his whim. I have taken the "in moderation" approach since my kids were little and G-parents have witnessed that over the last year. I am frugile and a bit on the health nut side and my children understand that no means no.

As far as cooking and cleaning, well... I cook for them often and they know how busy I am with work and kids activities. They can see by the condition of my home that I spend time cleaning (as do my kids!). I believe it was just there was of saying next time I can relax and they have dinner covered. (they didn't say they would clean for me, just that I didn't have to clean and cook myself)

I did not have the opportunity to talk to my BF about any of these prior to getting home from work and receiving the cards. Now I am glad I didn't.
The reason I posted my original message was because the behavior was abnormal and I was confused. Some of this is due to my own previous behavior always planning the meals and such. I am a planner and they are the "wing it" type more so. Maybe this is their way to get me to wing it sometimes too.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Okay, thanks for explaining the Fed Ex thing. I thought that was a little unusual but it makes sense if G-Ma works there to just send things that way.

It was nice of them to send the gifts and say next time they'll cook for you. You mentioned you are more health conscious. Could it be that the grandparents didn't offer your kids any snacks because the snacks they had weren't that healthy and they figured you wouldn't want your kids having them? Or maybe they thought you would say no since you believe in moderation?

Even so, this doesn't negate the fact that grandma let your kids run off while she let her grandson get on a ride. Sounds like grandson is used to getting whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

Grandma compromised the safety of two other children just so grandson could ride on some ride. Grandparents give him candy and treats whenever he asks for them, no control there either.

No wonder you had a hard time with him on the rides to see his dad. You say he's well behaved when he's with his grandparents, well of course he's going to be no trouble if they give him everything he wants all the time.

You've been with your BF about a year now. Just the same amount of time that I started having issues with my now exBF's son behavior. His dad spoiled him and didn't want to discipline him. I tried working on things with the dad for another year, but finally realized I just could not tolerate BF's son bad behavior or the fact that BF failure to parent him. End of story is I broke up with him.

Some of the red flags I saw in my relationship I see in yours. The fact that grandson is so spoiled is a big red flag.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Everything you say is spot on Amber, from the snacks to the ride to the spoiling, all of it.

If my BF and I had no children, we would be the ideal perfect match, seriously could not ask for a better relationship in that regard. BUT, we are both parents and we are opposites in this regard, thus ignites my struggles.

You know what I really want... the best of both worlds. I want to remain a single mom and live the life I have created with my children these past 5 yrs since my divorce and when my kids are with their Dad and my BF's son is with his mom, then we can see each other. Like having 2 lives. I know this is crazy and we would have things to deal with anyways when the kids are grown.

At the end of the day, I strive and have a tremendous need for harmony. I do not like drama, I don't want my feelings hurt nor anyone elses, and I think I take things way to personal. On the bright side, I have cute feet. LOL


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

"You know what I really want... the best of both worlds"

That just makes you a typical woman...lol! (oh boy am I gonna get sh*t for that...just couldn't resist though...)

Actually what you are describing is very much the lifestyle my GF of 5+ years and I have. We have decided to NOT blend families (she has full custody of one son, 13, I have 50% custody of my daughter who is 15 and son who is 12). Too much going on in everyone's life as it already is, without adding the drama of blending families on top of it.

Only drawback is having to support two households instead of one...I own a house, she rents. More expensive than living together that's for sure, but well worth it for the sake of not having to put either of our kids thru more drama than they already have.

I think if more people took our approach, rather than rush and move in together so soon, there would be a lot less activity on forums like this.....

This post was edited by mkroopy on Tue, Jul 30, 13 at 14:13


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Oh, the whole safety part still upsets me & I will never let something like that happen again. There have been times my own mom has made bad judgement calls with my kids too. I did talk to my kids about what happened and explained how important it is to stay close to the adult you are with and to pay closer attention. They are at that age where a little bit of freedom is necessary, in the right environment, the amusement park was not the right environment to test that freedom.

Side note, we had ice cream, french fries, and popcorn for dinner last night.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

Oh, the whole safety part still upsets me & I will never let something like that happen again. There have been times my own mom has made bad judgement calls with my kids too. I did talk to my kids about what happened and explained how important it is to stay close to the adult you are with and to pay closer attention. They are at that age where a little bit of freedom is necessary, in the right environment, the amusement park was not the right environment to test that freedom.

Side note, we had ice cream, french fries, and popcorn for dinner last night.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

MKroopy..... that is so great to hear that it actually works! I own a house and he rents. I would rather have harmony than extra money any day! Thank you for sharing!!!!


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I have cute feet, too! LOL.

>>You know what I really want… the best of both worlds<<
You know, I said the same thing! I wanted to continue dating my BF, and just leave the kids out of it.

However, I realized that was not going to work. Who I am as a mother is a big part of who I am as a person. I could not respect a man that could not stand up to his son and make him mind.

In addition, it will be next to impossible to never include the kids in the relationship.

Even if you never see the son, you are still going to be dragged into any drama. Whenever BF has to go to court regarding custody or CS issues, he will vent to you. If he has to pay CS, that's going to be less money he has to pay for dates and going out. Whenever he has issues with his parents and how they are taking care of his son, you will hear about it. BF’s son is a part of his life, and as a result, you will indirectly be involved. That’s just how it is.

Kroopy has said he and his GF have not blended families. However, at the same time, when his GF’s son was having problems he still was involved. Granted, it was not that bad, but he still was stressed enough about it to talk about it on here.

There is also the possibility that BF gets full custody of his son. I never, in a million years thought that my exBF would get custody of his son, but that is exactly what happened. One day BM decided she couldn’t handle going to school and work and the son and let his dad have him. So overnight my BF went from part time dad to full time dad. While I thought I could handle his kid part time, I KNEW I could not handle his son all the time.

I don’t blame you for wanting to live two separate lives. I’ve heard of some people doing it successfully. But I knew it wasn’t going to work in my situation and it wasn't the kind of life I wanted.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I would be concerned that your boyfriend didn't immediately insist that his parents treat all the kids the same. If I brought my kids and any other kids to a park, I would treat them all the same. Your boyfriends parents should have treated all the kids the same, and your boyfriend should have insisted.

The gifts that were sent were nice, but I am a little suspicious. Did you make any comments to anyone that your boyfriend could have heard and then passed along? Did your kids say anything about you being upset?

And the real telling action was when the grandma let your kids run off and not find them. That action, along with your boyfriend's lack of action, is very telling. If I were you, I would watch for other clues as to character, and don't excuse away bad behavior.

Good Luck.


 o
RE: In-laws Awkward Behavior

I note tat you said that your fiancé was more interested in his own good time than to see that his young son had a good time at an amusement park.

Does his world revolve around him?

Him ... pretty well - only?

Does he treat you with respect, including showing concern that your wishes be fulfilled your share of the time?

ole joyful


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here