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There is justice...

Posted by silversword (My Page) on
Mon, Jul 12, 10 at 12:50

When X and I were married he used to tell me my dad and sm "weren't that bad" and that I was overreacting about their behavior (mostly SM's behavior, and dad's portrayal of ignorance/innocence about her behavior).

A few examples (which may sound petty but when they become a pattern of behavior it really gets irritating):

1. SM would manipulate whatever we were doing so that it was on her time and then not arrive on time for her own reschedule. Dinner at 6? Well, if we could just do it at 5:30 so that SM could XYZ first/after/during. Fine. 5:30 comes and goes, SM shows up at 6:00. Sorry!! Nevermind that everyone just redid their schedules to accommodate and then had to wait for her. And it didn't happen once. It happened every time.

2. SM would ignore DD until it was fashionable to have DD with her. Then she was the paragon of SGrandmahood.

3. SM would not make accommodations for food (for anyone!!) but the second food came into the picture would SNARF whatever caught her fancy. OHHHHH! I LOVE CRAB! and proceed to take the whole tray to her seat. And not share. And explain how it had something or other to do with her health issue.

4. SM would duck out of whatever chores/preparation had to happen in order for whatever fun to happen. Kitchen prep... cleaning... driving... setting up... cleaning up... SM would have something better to do. But OH! When the party started! LOL. Plus she HAD to always be center of attention with everything and would always glom onto the most (perceived by her to be) prestigious person there and introduce that person to me as if I had never met them when in fact I'd known them for years. A odd trait not unnoticed by most.

It wasn't the little things, it was the realization that these are defining characteristics of this person and make it very difficult to enjoy spending time around her.

Well. X called the other day and he's irritated beyond measure. Seems my SM is driving him crazy!!! Says she will pick up DD at 12:00 but doesn't show until 4:00. Doesn't feed DD when she's there. etc. And, apparently DD's WBSM is completely going crazy because she thought SM was sane and that X was exaggerating. Now X is mad at WBSM because she keeps making concessions for SM's behavior.

I told X that what goes around comes around. I reminded him when we married I told him SM was a piece of work and it caused so many problems in our relationship that he kept taking her side over mine and acting like I was the crazy one making a big fuss over nothing "she's not that bad". LOL. And now he is in my position telling WBSM "SHE'S CRAZY" and WBSM is saying "she's not that bad". LOLOLOLOL.

I told him straight-up, laughing, that he deserved it. Not laughing in a mean way... just laughing. And he started laughing too. It was actually a pretty cool moment.

Now he has to make the concessions for SM and see how ridiculous they are. Make a lunch for DD to take with her when she goes to Grandma's house because Grandma will forget to feed her. Unless, of course, someone is over. Then she'll make a big deal about feeding DD only organic, hand milled whole grains that have been ground by the finest steel blades and baked to perfection with the finest free range mesquite turkey breast and sliced heirloom tomatoes.

Hahahaha.... put your day on hold because the woman has no sense of time unless it's her time (then you'd better be on time!!).

I told DH I felt sorry for WBSM and for him to put himself in her shoes and remember what it was like to think SM's sane and your spouse is a persnickety grouch who takes things too personal. Then I told him to grow a pair (which is what I finally had to do) and lay down the law.

When SM says she'll be there at noon, if she's not there, call. If she says she's running late, and she'll be there at 12:15... go ahead and wait. At exactly 12:15 pack up and leave the house. Don't call. When she calls, tell her you're sorry but you had an appt. and couldn't wait, and maybe she can see DD another day, which ever one works for her schedule!

It was just so nice to hear the slightly frantic, completely irritated and frustrated tone in his voice.... I recognized it as my tone of voice years ago.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: There is justice...

There IS justice!

I remember older DS's StepMom seeming surprised when I mentioned some behavior concerns I had about Sonny and how I was handling them at my house. Seems he was always a 'perfect little angel' for her!... Then, the following year when DS moved to Ex's house and SM had him every day, she finally saw what I was talking about and called to ask my advice for dealing with those very same issues. At which point, I was able to laugh and tell her that now I didn't see those problems, and now I had the perfect little angel! Seems only the custodial parents got the headaches ;-)

As it turns out, that was the beginning of the strongly positive shift in our relationship, where we began to trust each other and take each other's word for things -- even when it conflicted somewhat with what we saw with our own eyes. After that, DS didn't stand a chance. His BM vs. SM manipulations no longer worked...

RE: There is justice...

So true Sweeby!! I called DD's dad in a complete tizzy a few times over behavior problems and he just acted as if I were taking things too serious. This summer he's been saying "wow, she's really ..... and how do you handle...." And I can't help but smile. Oh... is that a problem for you?

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