OK it must be hard...i think it si great you are trying to find the answers

Few things here,

1.you only known her for a year. Perhaps moving in together and playing house was a rush. You moved in together right after she met you the first time? Here is the mistake right there, too soon, too fast. When DD was little I would not bring men in the house let alone let them move in, your BF did not think it through.

2, When dad reads her a story, you do not need to be there at all, no need to ask a child. It is clearly parent/child time. You can do something else. The child is put on a spot when is asked a question that clearly warrants the answer "no".

3. No need to ask if she likes you, it is putting a child on a spot, I would not ask any children if they like me. It is unnecessary. This child is forced to like and bond with a virtual stranger.

4. If dad is not available, kid needs to stay at moms or other family. why is dad having visitations if he cannot be there?

5. yes you should distant yourself and slow things down. these stuff takes time, it is a slow process, everything sounds rushed here.

6. Now I feel for you that your BF does not listen. Unfortunately too often men don't see things the same way. He needs to be on the same page with you.

7. what role does the mother play in it? perhaps she plays some role in all this (or maybe not)

I reread your post for more detail and I see the issue right there. It sounds way too much after knowing a young child (or anyone) for a year:

"I do a lot for her... I pick her up with her mom when her dad is working so they can see each other on friday's as well, not only on saturday's and sunday's. I watch her saturday mornings when her father is working. I take her to the park, let her play, surprise her with gifts once and a while, I'm always happy to see her and let her know that I love her and miss her when she is away."

I would never ask the child if she likes me. That was dad. I don't invite myself to story time that was also dad. I just happened to hear and I guess I just felt hurt to hear that after feeling so ignored all day by them and my feelings go unacknowledged. He also asked her what her mom says about me right in front of me.... AWKWARD.

I was thinking the same thing yesterday about the playing house thing. Too soon. So i'm happy to hear I'm not the only one who thinks distancing myself from her is a good idea. Even though dad doesn't see it, time alone between the two of them is needed.

The thing that sucks about this is that when i suggest I leave to give them time alone he talks to me like I am making something up in my head and that they don't need time alone. So I feel bad leaving knowing he wants me there and thinks I'm over reacting for leaving, but I also feel bad being there when I can see that she obviously doesn't want me around. I also don't like that I have to leave my own house when she is around. Sometimes I would like to be there but I feel unwelcomed by her in my own home. Any suggestions for dealing with that? Maybe I should ask dad to take her somewhere and me stay. Though it may be hard when he doesn't recognize what is going on.

don't know if "soulmate" is the way I'd describe someone who used me for a babysitting & chauffeur service & got angry & accused me of making things up & told me that we didn't need time together.

but one of my mottoes is
"If you can't do anything right, don't do anything at all."

Dad's perspective might change after he's had a few week-ends of dealing with things without your involvement.

If not, or if he gets angry, you might want to re-think that soulmate thing.

I wish you the best.

You met Dad a year ago, and the child, but when did you move into Dad's house? How long was Dad divorced (or whatever) before he introduced you to daughter? And to be frank, how many other GFs had child been introduced to pre you?

All of that could paly into a bit of how child feels and perhaps some confusion in child.

If Dad's visitation is weekends but Dad works, for now, I think Dad should be exercising his vistations during the times he is actually going to be there. Kids five, she really does not need to be spending mornings with you...Dad can pick her up when he gets home.

Child may feel you are being forced on her. Not that there is anything 'wrong' with you, but she is coming to see her father. Maybe Dad can pick her up when he's off, spend some just one on one time with child and then later in evening include you. I'm sure you have ways to spend Saturday morning and afternoon doing things without feeling 'left out'. By late afternoon/early evening perhaps daughter would feel she's had some 'father time' and would be more open to spending a bit of time with both of you. Reading your post the child really does seem to have been rushed into an instant relationship with you and it should have been a gradual one. A nice lady who is a part of her father's life but does not yet consume all of child's time with father.

You're right that father/daughter need space for just them, but your problem now is going to get BF to understand. Because it did not start out as it maybe should have, he is going to take these new changes as personal against him and/or against the child. Seriously, at this point, you even though living together are Dad's GF...you're working at develping a relationship and possible future with BF, but Dad is rushing you into instant 'Weekend Mom'. Not fair tho child, not fair to you and so far is back firing on Dad.

BF may be asking child these silly questions in a goofy attempt to try and show you child really does like you. 'See GF, she does like you'. uys can be such dense heads at times. Politely ask BF to knock that off, he's putting both of you (child/you) on the spot...perhaps child really may begin to like you and see you as a nice lady if Dad kept ramming you down child's throat so to say.

And yeah, no idea how much of child's attitude may be being feed her by her BM. How do you and BM get along? Is there hostility there? Perhaps BM has nothing at all to do with child's attitude and child herself just does not understand it all...she was rushed into a strange new weekend mom minus her daddy (at least part of the time). Afterall, kid may be thinking 'why am I with skckxy all the time, she's not my mommy or daddy'.

I don't think giving people time alone means leaving your own house. Even in intact families both parents are not attached to the hip. For example if they are reading a story in the bedroom, you could be in the living room watching TV or if they are playing a game, you could be in whatever room reading. When they play outside, you can be inside. Don't they go outside or movies or playground? Even in intact families children often spend time with ONE parent. It does not have be all the time, but certainly needs to be done.

I guess dad might not "conveniently" recognize that he needs their time alone because you do lots of work for him. Picking her up from mom for example or watching her every week.

sylvia LOL "soulmates", we all've been there done that.

justmetoo, she said they've been living together for a year and she has met SD a year ago, but we don't know how long they dated prior to moving in. Good question when they got divorced...

Also whose house is it? His or yours? And was it dad's marital home by chance?

I would stop doing things for her. Do not pick her up on Friday, let her dad pick her up. If he's working, let him leave her with her mom or someone else. Do not be a free babysitter.

If she asks why or complains she doesn't get to see dad on Friday, it should be explained simply that friends do things for friends. Friends treat each other as friends. If she doesn't want to be friends with you, that's fine. But she should not expect you to do "friend" things for her if she is not going to be friendly toward you. It's THAT simple.

The things you do are really FOR your BF anyways. If the child does not want you in her life, you can't force her to accept it. She may come around but I've been in my SD's life for 6 years (since she was 5) and tried to win her over, tried to do things for her, etc. I've gotten zero appreciation, in fact she goes out of her way to make me the bad guy for some of the nice things I have done for her. Plain & simple, she wants daddy to herself & doesn't want me in the picture.

I paused at 'she was in bed with us' and I can't get past that.

Kid should not be in bed with daddy and girlfriend. Weird.

Of course she gave you the evil eye, you're in HER daddy's bed.

I have nothing more. This all sounds normal. You can't push someone on a 5 year old. If dad doesn't see it and can't or won't do anything to help his daughter adjust to you, then there is nothing that will change the way this child sees you except maybe time. She does see you as a threat. Not because you are making yourself a threat but because dad is constantly wanting to play house and he is leaving you to do all of his parenting. Child should stay with her mother while dad is not home. Not dad's girlfriend. I am mOre open to stepmom's keeping children while dad is out but you are still getting to know his daughter, you don't fluently speak her language, you aren't married or engaged or committed except maybe living together. Stop playing house and let dad be dad and if he isn't home she isn't there.

Maybe you have said something wrong in her language not realizing it? And she doesn't understand you. Or she is annoyed at your attempts to speak her language when you obviously can't. I don't know.

oh I missed about kid being in bed with dad and dad's GF, ouch, I agree that's weird. I see kid climbing in bed with dad and MOM in the morning maybe, but not with dad's GF. Oy

In regards to language, why isn't kid speaking English? Just wonder...Is she going to start kindergarten? Isn't she going to speak English there? is she learning? Don't get me wrong, it is great to speak multiple languages, most people in my family speak, read and write in at least 3 languages. My DD actually is fluent in 4 (2 as a native speaker, 2 fluent). But how is this kid getting along with no English? Are you in the US?

I was so mean to my dad's girlfriends.

Yeash.

Basically unless you're a really strong person it's not going to work. If you marry, it's one thing. But right now you're just dad's GF. Expendable.

Don't be in the same bed when she's around. Don't try to get involved in really dad-daughter things. Are you close to your dad? Think about how you would feel...

the only way you'll win her over is by being a continuous presence... regardless of how she treats you. Is it worth it?

My DD was nice to dad's live-in SO, DD was 9-10 when they got together. And he dated just one woman before that, DD was younger, I believe she was nice to her too, she was never not nice to anyone I ever dated either, she was never possessive or jealous of us. She was kind of laid back and philosophical about everything.

BUT saying all that no dad's recent GF ever drove to my house to pick her up! I cannot imagine, frankly I am not sure, but I possibly wouldn't even let DD got with dad's GF, she was not authorized to pick up my child. And a child is only 5. I probably wouldn't even open the door.

Also if dad was not available on a regular basis then other arrangements were made. I am not sure how things were working in their household in every detail, but I am sure DD did not climb in bed with them. I just don't see that happening.

When DD went to dad, she went to DAD, you know what I mean. SM was very hands off, of course eventually over the years things changed and she was probably more hands on, but actually she was never much in DD's face. My Ex was with her for 10 years and they broke up when DD was 20-21, DD still sees her on her own and they spend time together and have a relationship (apart from DD's relationship with her dad), and DD had hard time with the end of their relationship. But I am wondering if exSM was in DD's face from the very beginning, would DD pulled back like your SD? She probably would.

It could be that the girl is not nice to you because she is just this way (heck some kids are just difficult)or maybe because you need to lay off a bit. I don't think though that there is no hope, you just need to lay low, let them have their relationship and take things slower. No driving, no babysitting, no bed thing etc

Po1 you were so lucky in your situation. You and ex didn't fight. He didn't marry someone that was in your face or your dd's. I think where a lot of SM's get their 'bad' experiences is when dad doesn't step up and be a dad. They find a woman to become 'mommy' like it was before they were divorced. Then new 'mom' is the only one caring for, co-parenting, picking up dropping off etc and then comes the resentment from all sides.

In my CO, both parents can designate a competent adult to pick up the child. We also have right of first refusal. I think most orders are 4 hours but we changed ours to an 8 hour period. If either parent is not available to care for the child for a period of 8 hours or more, the other parent shall be offered right of first refusal. Many times SM has picked up and dropped off Dd. Even when they were just dating. I hated it because I just felt that Bd needed to pick up his own child since he only has her for a short time but the courts do not see it that way. I personally make sure I am available for my daughter because she is my responsibility. Now my Dh would say he doesn't mind or it doesn't bother him but it bothers me. She is my child. She is Bd's child and we need to be parents and do our job, not push it off on our spouses but that's only my opinion.

"I would never ask the child if she likes me. That was dad. I don't invite myself to story time that was also dad. I just happened to hear and I guess I just felt hurt to hear that after feeling so ignored all day by them and my feelings go unacknowledged. He also asked her what her mom says about me right in front of me.... AWKWARD."

He did what!? Why would he be asking a five year old what her mom says about you, him, or anyone else in the first place?!

Maybe Dad doesn't want or need time with his DD alone - but she obviously does (and preferably not time when she's being interrogated about life with her mother.)

It sounds to me like you are doing fine. You don't say if you have any kids; are you getting that "I'm a parent and you're not, so I know better" thing? If so, that's not the case here. It sounds to me like your instincts and common sense are leading you to correct conclusions (the little girl needs more time with her father).

Myfam, my ex is remarried to someone else as of few years, she is VERY hands on. I like her a lot actually and so does DD, but I am glad DD is adult because I am wondering if she had such SM from a young age I would be bothered with that. SM wants to be in the middle of everything, she also wants to make sure everyone is happy. As great as it is, it could be annoying. As about ex, he is the same kind of a$$ as everyone else's, otherwise I would still be married to him LOL he is just a good father.

Not to hijack this thread but myfam, if you have right of refusal 8 hours why is ex violating it repeatedly like daily, more so DD was with that guy for 5 days? it is way more than 8 hours. was it brought up with your lawyer along with other things.

Hmm...lots wrong here...but PO1 hit the nail on the head in her first reply: "Perhaps moving in together and playing house was a rush"

Way too soon, especially for a kid that young. Especially not being married (I am glad she put ** around "step daughter" in the title, because she is not her step daughter, she is her boyfriend's daughter...big difference).

I'm divorced and have been with the same lovely woman for over 3 years. She has not, and will not in the near future, be moving in with me. My kids are 13 and 10, her son is 11....I do not want to 'mix' our families...just my choice. Too much drama as it is dealing with a split (50/50) custody arrangement with my ex, I do not want to add to that by adding a pseudo step-mom into the picture.

And don't get me going on women's over-use of the "soul-mate" term........

"soul-mate"- some women watch too much Lifetime TV. Everybody who married their soul-mates are divorced already, no such thing

I agree on the soul mate thing. I fell in to the lifetime tv thing as well. Lol so embarrassing. When I finally got cable two years into my first marriage I was missing what I was seeing on tv. Exdh and I did not have a cinderella romance but I wanted it so badly. Now that I'm older AND divorced, I do not believe there is just one person for everyone. I love my Dh and I dont want to be without him. He is an amazing man and an amazing husband and I truely believe be is an even better father but if he left me tomorrow or he died, I know that I would find someone else eventually because I want to be happy. I like being married and having a family. I know that it's possible to go out and meet someone else and not live alone for the rest of my life because my Dh left me... Maybe being divorced helped me come to that realization many years ago.

Po1 I was just saying you are lucky because I have a very in your face SM and Dd also has a very in your face SM. I was just saying I think you are lucky not taking away anything from you.

As far as the ROFR, the order specifically states it does not include those times when Dd is spending the night with friends and/or grandparents. The reason we had to do that is because ex would find out that Dd spent the night with a friend or with my parents and that I went out with friends for the night. He saw it as me getting a babysitter. Not the case. Dd would be invited to spend the night and I would take advantage of not having a child at home and go out with friends. He saw it as me asking for a sitter b/c I had plans to go out. So now it's up for interpretation. If Dd went to exMr.SM's with stepsister, it's not because he needed a babysitter it's because she was invited to spend the night. Since the 8 hour rule is in place, during the day, technically he should ask me if I want her while he is at work for 10 hrs but I work too so she would just be in daycare any way.. So she stays with SM. When he works at night, it's only 4-5 hrs sk doesn't reach the 8 hour min required by the order. He goes home for dinner and then leaves again.. So basically he isn't breaking the ROFR order. Stupid yes but it is what it is.

I think it's easy to say "I would have" when you've never faced something like this... or had a child with an active SM, or been a child with a SM, or been an active SM.

I know myfam, when kids are young and you have to deal with it, it is so much different because you are the one who has to make decisions. My DD's SM likes to play mommy to DD (and she is not much older than DD). When my DD had a surgery (not even major), she decided she must be in the hospital with me and and ex, she wanted to be supportive. That's kind of sweet but I frankly did not want her there. The difference was that DD was not a minor anymore and it was kind of up to her, and I was still annoyed.

silvers my DD had very active SM since she was 9 (or 10, don't recall), that's why they are still close because she was active SM, but she was not in DD's face trying to push herself in or insert herself in every dad/daughter activity. But she was very active, we had 65/35 arrangement, plus she is the mother of DD's brother, so she had to be active but not in one's face.

I see it this way. For example active SMs read books to SKs, but "in your face" SM would insert herself when dad reads a book to SKs. Even in intact families when dad reads a book, mom doesn't necessarily have to always be present. That's how I see the difference.

I am not being used as a chauffer or babysitter. I offered... it was my decision. I saw it as helping the two of them see each other more often. But I guess then I didn't realize the harm that it could be doing.

As for mom, she is kind of a strange parent. It seems as though a lot of you women have a strong maternal instinct and wouldn't even let your DD SM pick your daughters up. However, BM has asked if I could pick up her daughter (we meet in the middle of our houses) because it was more convenient for her to drop her off at that time. If we don't accommodate her schedule she often tells us then she won't be able to drop her off at all. She's never around to receive her daughter either. Most of the time dad brings her with her grandparents because mom isn't around. This weekend was a perfect example. Mom told us she would receive her daugther at 6pm on Sunday. She called and told my BF that she left town and wouldn't be able to pick her up until Monday sometime, and that either she would pick her up with dad at his work or mine. HAH. So dad didn't go to work in the morning because mom decided she had better things to do than pick up her daughter, and he ended up bringing his daughter to her grandparents because mom wasn't answering her phone. Sometimes she leaves to the beach for the weekend and decides not to come back until Wednesday, leaving her daughter with her parents, and no one to bring her to school. Not very motherly if you ask me. As for our relationship, it's fine. I am not getting involved in baby momma drama... we see each other, say hello, everything's cordial, then we talk about the girl, say goodbye no name calling as far as I know etc. I never say a bad word about her mother to anyone.. ever.

As for my bf we met 11 years ago in the US. I came here to Mexico to be with him a year ago. Maybe I use the term soulmate in a way you don't understand. I know I could find someone else if I wanted to. I don't. I'm here to stay with this man and this girl. We may not be married but we are committed to each other as if we were. We are talking marriage... and it will happen some day.

What else... oh to answer a question dad and mom divorced when daughter was 2.5. Sooo... 1 year and half before I showed up into the picture. Their relationship sounds like it was verbally and emotionally abusive, probably from both parts but she also sounds like she was physically abusive towards him... but never to their daughter. Dad never had a serious girlfriend after that before me. I don't think dad ever introduced any women to his daughter before me either. But I don't know that for sure.

As for the bed thing, I know. Dad and daughter used to sleep in the same bed before I arrived. I think it's weird. So when I came into the picture and she was over on the weekends, dad had daughter sleep in the same bed as us. I put a quick stop to that. NOT OK. I expressed to him that it's uncomfortable and he talked with her, though I don't think he really understands why it's a problem. He sometimes asks if she can sleep with us still... I don't understand why. As for this weekend little girl was throwing up and had a bad temperature in the middle of the night so she came into the bed in the early morning so dad could keep an eye on her. I didn't think it was inappropriate in that case.

I don't want to be an in your face sm. I honestly feel like dad is trying to force the situation and really I was over doing the favors just to try and get to know the girl and make it easier for them to see each other... to be nice. I know that I need to back off now.

Anyways I left and did my own thing on Saturday and part of Sunday and when I came back things were much nicer. I think the girl does like me when she wants to see me, but I was around too often and intruding on daddy daughter time. Today she was very talkative to me, sweet... gave me a little kiss goodbye and they left. I think I found my answer.

I agree with the playing house thing being a rush, I'm not moving out now... so I have to find other ways to fix this. To answer someone's question it is not the house of his previous relationship... and when I say house I mean apartment.. a small one. I think it's kind of hard to stay out of each others business when we are all there... leaving is probably necessary to give them proper alone time.

hmmm, sounds like she may 'like' you afterall. But she may also be resenting another lady being the one stepping up when her own mother ditches her. Now that you've explained the way her own mom ditches the child (either longer at dad's or how grandparents must step because mom wants to be off doing something else) that could be why you do get mixed messages from child.

She likes you, most of the time. As you said she was fine and chatty/friendly after a bit of space alone with her father. It must be hard for child when her mother ditches her. She knows this whether she's really old enough to understand it or not. It is likely hard to know another lady or grandparents are 'playing mom' even at times she knows her own mother should be.

I'd say just keep trying and so keep giving her and her dad a bit of space. You should not have to leave home all the time either. Dad can share one on one while you're out in kitchen getting meals ready, reading a book yourself, they can go for walks and maybe a fun child activity while do do something you enjoy. But you do need to be included in some fun family activities too. If you're building a home and a family sitution you need to be included in trips to zoo or whatever. She has to learn you are not simply going to poof or that she can wish you away whenever she pleases. Give space, yet take a rightful place as put of the family unit you are creating.

The bed thing. I get she was sick. Next time perhaps her father can sleep with her in her room her even get a child monitor so he can hear her if he feels she may need him. Within time she may even want you to 'tend' to her while she does not feel well (just don't push it)...right now she wants her daddy and that's really how it should be. She counts and depends on him. Currently it sounds like her father and her grandparents are the one solid thing in her life she knows will always be there.

As far as picking up, if it does not cause problems with the mother, and she even requests you do so pick ups can be to her schedule...no reason you should cease. Good to hear there is not momma drama. The mother sounds quite comfortable dropping off and leaving child with her. Just make sure child does get time alone with her father. Child needs this. And you need 'me' time too.

I am glad things were better after you spent some time out of the house. Certainly it does not have to be every visit, just some. Apparently it helped! She probably does like you but has to deal with too many new things.

Oh I see, you are in Mexico, it explains that girl speaks only Spanish. Are you planning on staying in Mexico?

You sound like a thoughtful person who wants to get to the bottom of things not just same old same old and get same results. Good job.

In regards to pick up/drop off, I guess it might not be a big deal. I thought that maybe they are recently divorced and it is too much for some new GF to be picking her up, it might be OK in your situation though.

As about bed, it is OK if dad lays with her in her room when she is sick. I still don't think she needs to be sleeping in bed with you two even when sick. But things happen.

Keep us updated, good luck, hopefully your little family makes even more progress

My WBSM(s) weren't in my face either. I just didn't like them. Or maybe I was a brat, lol. who knows. I just didn't want anyone taking up daddy time.

". She has to learn you are not simply going to poof or that she can wish you away whenever she pleases. Give space, yet take a rightful place as put of the family unit you are creating."

excellent advice. ironically it was the gf who was absolutely not wanting to be a mother, wanting to have nothing to do with kids, that I ended up respecting the most.