To some extent, the situations are different. In one, the step daughter lived in another state, and they only saw her during the summer. When her mother finally remarried, she married really well, but my friend and her husband were struggling financially, in low paying jobs. My friend went on to have two children, and they became a real family. They resented sending child support for his daughter who they rarely saw, and had little imput in her life. And it really ripped my friend that they had to send support to his ex-wife who now had a well-to-do husband, the house, car, jewelry...that my friend would never have. My friend resents everything about this woman. Another friend ...she does not want the influence of a teenager around her children, and she resents that her husband just bought his son a brand new (expensive) car, without asking her, because he felt guilty about the divorce. Another...they have custody of his children...and only one of the three was really respectful of her. She had a terrible time with the oldest daughter for a long time...even though the kids real mom abandoned them. The father was raising them alone when she met him. She too has gone on and had "their" kids. For a long time, she only sent me christmas cards with "her kids" in the picture...even though the other kids lived with them 100% of the time. They have moved out of state, and I will have to call her and catch up. And one other friend had one little girl with her new husband. She totally resented his ex-wife, and his two kids who were about 12-14 when she married her husband. It got to the point where she hated all of them, including her husband, for a long time...but she stayed in the marriage...perhaps for financial reasons as he was a good provider. They are still married, and their little girl is almost 16 now. It still is not wonderful with "his" kids who are now adults. She has always resented money being sent to his ex for support. They all knew going in ...but I suppose it is another thing living it. And I know many ex-wives out there continually "stir-the-pot" in many ways. But so do many new wives...creating strife...for some reason.

The whole college question is a very interesting one, and a difficult one to resolve. I saw an article years ago (sorry, I don't have a link) where they were discussing whether or not kids in college got regular financial support from their parents; they were counting any amount so long as it was regular (per month, per semester, whatever, parents were helping out.) It was something like 80 some percent of married parents provided something on a regular basis, while a lesser percentage of divorced parents did....but when the parents were re-married the amount who provided regular support plummeted. They did not discuss the percentage of re-married parents who had new children in their second marriage; I'm betting the amount would be even lower. So it sounds like a good thing to get into a divorce settlement (that parents have to contribute towards college) - except there is no requirement that married parents contribute towards college, so why should divorced parents be forced to? Is it fair to force parents to pay for colleges for a kid who decides to attend some ridiculously over-priced trade school where they will attain no degree and only be eligible for a barely minimum wage job? Is it right to force parents to pay for a kid who is borderline flunking all of their classes? And then force them to pay for those classes to be re-taken? Is it right that, when applying for financial aid for college, step-parents income is taken into account, thereby lowering the chances that the kid is eligible for grants? (I love how it's always claimed that step-parents are not "required" to support their sKids - except that our income is counted for so many things and it is assumed that we will, in fact, financially support them.) Ideally, of course, everyone would work together to get these issues resolved. In real life I don't know what the best solutions are. My father contributed nothing towards college for us, and could certainly have done so. I honestly would not expect that my step-mother should have; she was working to help support her own children. I will certainly help with SS8, but since he lives with us we are also the ones who will be most able to make sure that he studies, keeps his grades up, and is prepared for college. If I had a step-child who was rude, disrespectful and treated college like a joke, frankly I'd be unhappy if DH were forced to pay for their schooling, and I most certainly would not (because I wouldn't pay for a bio-child of mine in those circumstances either). Apparently in our state parents are court ordered to pay sometimes. Besides the ability to pay, they are supposed to take into account the parent/child relationship, and how the child is contributing towards their own education. This sounds like as reasonable as one can make it; that way a good kid who is covering 75% of their tuition on scholarships and grants is not left in the lurch, but a parent may not be obligated to pay for a slacker child that they no longer even see who would rather go to college and party for a year than go to work.

Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing.

"I didnt say she posted the positive side, I said she posted a biased view, and the entire article had some other points. For example, where the article said SM was a bit of a misnomer, and it might be better for a SM to forget the mother in the name, and be more like an aunt." It did have other points you are right, but what is wrong with putting the ones on there that will lift the group. Also, I completely disagree with the act as an aunt role idea. I do not pretend to be the BM of my son, but at my home I AM the mom and I refuse to go back and forth between roles. This is easier in my family since my SS was young and excepting of me when DH and I got together. The aunt role would work better (IMO) for someone coming in later in the child's life. IMO I am a parent to my SS regardless of step or bio and I will act as such. "I do regard my DD as a victim of divorce. I am not aware of any study that doesnt put children of divorce at a disadvantage to children in intact families. And she certainly didnt cause the divorce". I did not say they are not victims. However, it is not a good idea, IMO, to go around considering yourself or your kids as victims, at least not to them, or they will always pitty themselves instead of learning from the situation that they have been put in. I agree that it is not fair to them and is definitely not an ideal situation to be in. I did say that with the way you and others act about second marriages it is almost like you are disregarding the fact that other children are born out of these second marriages and that they could be put in this situation to. Do you not understand that by constantly telling everyone that statistically they are more likely to fail than succeed in a second marriage it comes off as you almost hope we do, our kids bedamned. Also, I completely agree that kids of divorce are at a disadvantage to kids in a intact family. Unless, that intact family is an unhappy one in which they are better of in a divorce situation. "I think the point about second marriages failing is taken out of context. Its more about Dad should have more a role, as child may end up with serial SMs." You are generalizing here. Dads are not the only ones who do this. In fact, in my own person experience my DH and I have been together for quite a while and I was the first and only serious relationship he had after his divorce. His ex wife has been involved in a serious relationship off and on since right after they seperated. Between her and her long-time bf's fall outs she has had many bfs who my son has had to stay with, be babysat by, and all sorts of other situations where there were serial SDs.