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Fine hit the nail on the head

Posted by justnotmartha (My Page) on
Fri, Jul 10, 09 at 11:24

in the "How would you respond post". This point is basically the crux of most issues the step parents on this board have.

**"How can any mother be upset when her child has good time? with anyone, dad, grandma, friends? even if she hates dad, doesn't she love her son?"**

The simple answer is, because they are selfish. Because they care more about their feelings than those of their child. Because it makes them feel bad, so they knowingly make an effort to make their child feel bad as well - punish their child, if you will, for hurting them. We all know that is not what the child intended to do, but unfortunately for the extremely self centered this is not so obvious.

Truly, many issues stem from that way of thinking and parenting.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Fine hit the nail on the head

Exactly.

DH talked to BM this morning---guess he is not doing so well at disengaging, huh?

Well--he is trying. BM called TWELVE times this morning, no messages except "I need to talk to you."

DH texted her back "what do you need" and BM kept calling. So---BAD CHOICE, DH--he called her back and she said she wanted to pick SS up at 10 am today instead of noon. Something about her hubby was working in the area, and wanted to pick SS up two hrs early so BM wouldn't have to make a special trip.

DH took it as an opportunity to reason (haha, impossible w/BM) and said "you know, in a normal situation I would want to be reasonable and accomodating, but I was flexible w/you for years and look where it got us. You told me two days ago you have no intentions of getting along, and if that's how it is, then that's how it is. Noon pickup as per the plan."

Anyway, BM was all apologetic (HA, because she wants something!) and said she was just really upset and angry the other night, she has hormone issues and cannot control her mood swings. This is so true! She really does have "rage attacks" as DH refers to them--you can just tell by the tone of her voice that she is NUTTY. She gets in these moods and lashes out, and is just horrendous, seriously, out of control. Then she comes "out" of the mood and expects everyone else to just pick up where she left off before going off in the deep end. According to DH, who dated BM for 5-6 years, he said her mom is the same way, to the point where she wears hormone patches to control her moods.

Anyway, DH talked w/BM about how last night she really upset SS w/what she said about the movie, and how her mood swings are affecting SS the worst. And BM ADMITTED--she said "I didn't mean to make him sad, I was just upset b/c I haven't had the money to take him to see a movie in a long time."

So there it is! BM was upset---HER feelings were hurt--so she just HAD to take it out on SS, or take away his happiness.

Totally, totally what FD and JNM said.

And it is really sad because the ONLY person it hurts is the CHILD.


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RE: Fine hit the nail on the head

the most awful thing is that children remember that kind of stuff. it is not like he will grow up and forget. I am not saying he will hold grudges but it will be there deep inside.

I remember some scenes from my childhood that i wish I could forget. Amnd i remember things i did wrong raising DD, unfortunatelly can't go back and change it. so i wish BM learns to stop and think before she does or says things. you can never take it back.


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RE: Fine hit the nail on the head

of course he will remember it. It will help define who he becomes. I said, "Help" for those that don't pay close enough attention...I didn't say it will define him.
All of our experiences help define who we are.
That is why it is important to talk to our children and help them figure out situations like this, because they can not process situations like that and know the hows and whys to adult behavior. That way it will also have less of an impact on him, if he is helped through it with care and understanding.


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RE: Fine hit the nail on the head

"Then she comes "out" of the mood and expects everyone else to just pick up where she left off before going off in the deep end. According to DH, who dated BM for 5-6 years, he said her mom is the same way, to the point where she wears hormone patches to control her moods. "

Sounds exactly like my ex-wife. She expected me to accept her behaviour and let it all roll off my back. That becomes very wearing, til you have nothing left. Didn't know they made patches for it!

It actually sounds like a breakthrough, that conversation. A real positive. Hope it sticks a little.


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RE: Fine hit the nail on the head

This woman will not realize what she does because she is selfish. And her 'mood' swings are alcohol withdrawl symptoms. Its actually quite common when drunks are in withdrawl they have temper tantrums and mood swings....sooooo...
I personally would have spoken to ss Ie the dad should have spoken to him along the lines saying its not nice for your mother to make you feel guilty about seeing a particular movie with us. If your mother wanted everything you wouldn't do anything with us. Do you want that? I think your mother needs to understand that there will be things done here at our home and other things will be done at her home. That doesn't mean it wont be special in either places. Your dh should tell him that and that there isnothing wrong in seeing that movie, he did nothing wrong and that its not nice that mom madehim feel guilty. She'll just have to pick another movie and learn to share him.
This stupid incident happened with my sk at the beginning of our relationship. EXACTLY. We went for a movie (its been 7 years..so cna't even remember which one....) and she said onthe phone to them, oh i wnated to take you guys to that one....BS...So personally spoke to the kids with my hubby right on the nail from the beginning that mommy willhave to share, its not fair to play tug of war iwth your feelings and she'll have to pick another movie.
Then she did it again at christmas!!! The kids wont write their list like they used to because that's mommies thing...i said....ok..i guess you wont get what you desire...they turned around and made the list. Its such BS.
Yes the kids get hurt.....but selfish people do not care about their feelings...in my case, its a competition...which we've cut it off many years now and basically do not play her game. Face the child head on with his feelings. Its damage control..but unfortunately we are the ones who get stuck in damage control and cleaning up their F'n messes.
I'm glad your dh spoke with her..hopefully sh'ell open her eyes for next tiem.
Yes, wildthing they do remember. My sk remember every sleezy thing their mom pulled and still pulls. And now her daughter calls her on it...needless to say...they fight alot now.


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