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Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Posted by mascara (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 6, 10 at 9:47

Right so mother of partners child has now said she may or may not back date 6 years of child maintenance (totalling about 9000). None of this money will go to her or the child it goes straight to the CSA, but she had a falling out with my partner and is being spiteful and trying to ruin our lives any way she can. Even if she does not decide to back date the money, my boyfriend is still going to start paying maintenance to her now. Now I think all parents should pay their way for their children, however, he has said that he is not 100% sure that the child is his. There have been various other possibilities over the years, some of which have been DNA tested and some of which haven't.
He had a blood test when the transplant was due to see if he was a match, which he was, and he is now using this as difinitive proof that the child is his. I've tried explaining to him that millions of people have the same blood type and that is not proof of paternity. He has previously put off having a DNA test because he said is almost completely sure that the child is his, and also he has bonded with his 'son' so is too scared of what the answer would be now.

We are scheduled to move out next year, but if he ends up paying her such a huge sum of money, our lives will have to go on hold for years.
I think that if there is any doubt at all that the child is not his he should get a DNA test before he has to pay out a small fortune. The reason he stopped paying maintenance in the first place is because the paternity was unknown. I just don't want our lives to grind to a halt because he has to pay 1000's for a child that is not his.

I am also fairly certain he is the father, but I think we should be completely sure before this happens, and he has every right to ask for a DNA test knowing that she was sleeping with a number of other people at the time of conception - not all of whom have been tested, and some we may not even know about.
I do know that the other men who did take the tests did so off their own backs. One of these men she even said was the father until he got tested and proved he wasn't.
I would not put it past this woman to be using my partner as a scapegoat because he didn't ask for the test and gave in to all her demands since day one.
So what do I do? As I said, I am quite sure the child is his, but knowing what this woman is capable of and what is at stake I feel we should know for sure. I know he doesn't want to get the test but I feel it is more because he doesn't want to rustle any feathers than because he really doesn't want to do it. How can I help him see that it is a sensible thing to do and he is well within his rights to do so when he doesn't like to talk about the subject at all?
I don't want to argue with him or force him into anything but I strongly feel it is in everyones best interests before we get any further in than we already are.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Talk to an attorney/barrister and find out what laws would apply. Where I live, there are some very arcane laws related to paternity. One is the presumption of paternity for married couples; if a married woman becomes pregnant it is presumed to be the husband's unless it was physically impossible for him to have impregnated her (he was out of the country; he's medically sterile). Suspicion or proof of infidelity does not necessarily mean that a DNA test can be required; even if it is done, there are several cases where ex-husbands are paying CS for children that they have DNA proof is not theirs. Also, where I live, there is something where if an unmarried parent willingly supports a child that they have reason to suspect is not theirs, then CS can be ordered to be payable by them. This tends to be the case with step-parents; a SF, for example, will support his new wife and her child because the BD is missing or in prison. At some point they divorce, BM goes after the step-parent for CS, and wins. Supposedly the child's financial interests are supposed to be paramount to everything else; I suspect the state's financial interests are what is really on their minds here.

But I have heard of cases in other states where CS is strictly on biological lines - one was a Dad who suspected his youngest of five kids was not biologically his. He came to find out that none of the kids were his - the oldest were teenagers. Whereupon they got divorced and BM took the kids and left - the point he was making was not that he didn't have to pay CS but that he had no visitation rights, not being a bio-parent or having legally adopted the kids that he thought were his!

Your partner may decide that it doesn't matter whether the child is his biological child. (Although if that's the case he shouldn't have stopped paying in the first place.) But if it does matter to him whether or not the child is biologically his, legal advice needs to be obtained before a precedent (of paying support) is set. How will he feel if years down the road it is determined that the child is not his? If he doesn't care, then it's a moot point.

The other thing I am curious about is, where I live, if a mother is on government assistance she is required to name the possible fathers, so the government can begin DNA tests/CS proceedings against the father. If your partner is really the father, how is she going to suddenly announce how many years after the fact that she suddenly "remembered" who the Dad was? One wonders how many other "Dads" may be paying non-court-ordered support directly to her to avoid court proceedings.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Mascara, how is the little one doing since his surgery? I think last we heard he was just coming home and still very sick?

I'm afraid you'll not like my advice. Stay out of it. If being dad to the little boy is what your BF wants, money is a part of being daddy. He should have either questioned payments all along or paid them and not be in the role now of owing backpay.

I think it seriously sucks that this sick child may now be losing his father if DNA test are forced on your part because you begrudge 'putting your life on hold'. You're like what, 20, now? Your BF has been thick and thin with this sick little boy...he loves the child. If he does not want to DNA, you need to stay out of it. BF has decided this child is his no matter what DNA test show.

Considering you wanted the child to poof last fall because you resented him, I imagine you will really resent it if BF has to pay back support...let your BF be about this if it is what he wants. If it just is not what YOU want (due to money) than move on.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Ditto justmetoo. I would stay out of it and let your partner do what he wants.

I understand the issue with the money, BUT if he were to do a DNA test and possibly find out this is actually not his biological child, he could lose visitation. Do you really want to open that can of worms over money?

It would be one thing if he were paying this money and never seeing his child, if he had no relationship with his son; but he DOES and that won't change.

I am saying this because I've been there.

I also am *fairly* certain my SS is my DH's child. HOWEVER, let me say a couple things:

1.) BM and DH were together for 5 years, off and on, and BM NEVER got pregnant. DH maintains it is because she was always vigilant about taking her birth control. Anyway, they broke up for a long time period and DH moved to Florida for almost two years. Towards the end of that time period, he and BM started talking again and DH ended up moving back to the midwest; wham, BM was pregnant immediately. There was a slight question at the time, as she had had sex with some other guy---a married man---but DH maintains they determined HE was the dad b/c it had been 4 weeks before having sex with DH.

WHATEVER. Seems sketchy to me, but for whatever reason, at the time, DH felt confident she was pg with his child.

2.) DH and I have been trying to conceive a child together for 3+ years! In that time period, I had one super early miscarriage, but that's it. Seems odd. DH and I have both been checked out, and all is fine---we have unexplained infertility--but I will say, I wonder...I mean, I have a bio-DD, I know I can get pregnant.

3.) In the less than four years BM has been with her now-husband, she has gotten pregnant THREE times--one m/c, two babies. Supposedly, she got pregnant with the guy she was living with before and had an abortion. That's what she told DH but who knows? My point is--she is CLEARLY a fertile woman, so it does surprise me that in ALL the years she was with DH, it didn't happen for so very long.

It seems odd to me that women who have a history of fertility (ie--me and BM) both have *issues* conceiving with DH, but not with other guys.

Do you see what I am getting at? It makes me wonder. It could very well be that BM WAS careful with her birth control when she was with my DH, but I somehow doubt that...given how she is NOT now...kwim?

When DH and BM went to court almost 3 years ago, the first thing the attorney said was "you need a paternity test" but DH refused. At this point--at that point---it doesn't matter. SS is his son no matter what "DNA" says.

Now--I will say again, despite the circumstantial evidence, my gut tells me that SS IS my DH's bio-son. I just have a feeling he is. BUT there is the possibility that he is not, however remote; but it doesn't matter to DH, and it doesn't matter to me.

So--my advice--leave this be. It's not worth it.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

what justmetoo & lovehadley said.

If you can't live with this *& be happy*, toss this BF back & look for someone else.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Love, my story is just about the same. SD is DH's regardless at this point and he will not get paternity test, nor would I ask him to get one.

Suspicious behavior by BM aside, it's not the fault of my SD and to upset the apple cart at this point is borderline abusive.

If it's money you're concerned about Mascara, you need to get out now or forever keep your finances separate. Don't get indignant on your DH's behalf. That's a common trap women fall into; fighting on behalf of DH against EX. It's not pretty. Let him fight his own battle. If you can't stand the war wounds, get off the field.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Your boyfriend needs to decide if he wants to be the dad (regardless of biology) or not. If he's unsure, or only wants to be a Dad to a child that's biologically his, then he needs a paternity test NOW so he can have that last piece of information and make a definitive, permanent decision.

Yes, it would be cruel to skip out now. But he's 'sitting on the fence' with his actions, and that's also cruel. If he's a Dad, he needs to be a GOOD one and support that child. If he's not, he can still be a close friend and maintain a relationship with the boy to the extent the Mom will allow. (Which is all he's really got now, for fear of stirring the pot.)

You know, if Dad's only hesitation in seeking a DNA test is upsetting Mom, he should be able to somehow collect a sample of the boy's saliva during a regular visit and submit that, along with his own, without even telling Mom. There's no need to even tell Mom unless there's a future dispute where paternity comes into question.

That said, this isn't your call to make...
(And I'd have reservations about a guy who was unable to take a decisive action - find out or decide not to find out - about something this critical.)

To Love - Your situation is completely different in that your husband has made a clear decision, and it's to be a Dad regardless of possible biology.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

The boy is okay, he is back in hospital at the moment as something has gone wrong with his bladder but he had an op last week and they expect it to be the last one.

If a test was to go ahead, and it came back as negative, I would not begrudge him still seeing the child. Its the fact that he will be paying a huge sum of money, none of which will go to his son but will instead go to the Child Support Agency.

The fact is, he does not have that amount of money and could potentially become homeless if asked to pay it, which he has explained to her but she doesn't care about that at all, despite that meaning the child would have nowhere to stay either. As long as she is hurting my boyfriend she doesn't care.
I do not begrudge him paying monthly child support if the child is his, in fact I have always told him he should have been doing that from day one until he said he *might* not be the dad. It's the backdated payments that bother me as they will be of no benefit to anyone and she is only doing it to make our lives difficult. 9000 is a deposit for a mortgage and it should go to something worthwhile instead of the government.
A paternity test can be done without her or the childs knowledge so if he does turn out to be the father no one ever has to find out - therefore eliminating more arguments, but they cost about 100, which is a hell of a lot better than 9000, that he might not have to pay anyway.

I just don't want him to be taken advantage of because he wasn't smart enough to ask for a test straight away as the other "Dad's" did.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

It's the backdated payments that bother me as they will be of no benefit to anyone and she is only doing it to make our lives difficult. 9000 is a deposit for a mortgage and it should go to something worthwhile instead of the government.

WHAT?! The government doesn't wave a magic fairy wand and pots of gold appear to give to kids with deadbeat parents. That money comes from taxes. I understand that the child may not be your boyfriend's, but if it is, or even if he decides not to challenge that, it is HIS responsibility to pay back that money that he "borrowed" from the taxpayers of your country!

How nice that you and he would like a mortgage for a house. No doubt so would the gay couple down the street, the never married schoolteacher, the infertile couple desperately trying to conceive, and the family across the way who are supporting their kids. But you know what? They haven't saved enough money yet because instead of saving, they are paying taxes to support a child with a deadbeat father. I can only imagine if you ask them if they think it is more "worthwhile" for back child support to be paid or for you and your BF to get a mortgage what their response will be.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Excuse me?! He is not a deadbeat father, where on earth do you get off making an assumption like that?! If you actually read through what I wrote properly, you would see that I am the one wanting the DNA test, but he has not considered it and is going to pay that money if he has to even if it should be coming out another mans bank account - unless he finds out that he is not the father. If this is the case I have no doubts that he would continue to see the child but would have no legal obligation to pay 9000 to her.
He stopped paying maintenance because he wasn't sure he was the father, but she has now convinced him that he is and he has just taken her word for it. So get your facts right before you go saying things like that.

For your information, we both pay taxes to "support children with deadbeat fathers" actually so I don't understand why this is relevant at all. We both work hard and have respectable jobs, I am a nurse and he is an engineer, yet we can hardly scrape the money together for rent on a one bedroom flat right now. He should not have to pay that money when potentially it is another "deadbeat" dad that should be paying that.

I have not made these feelings known to him at all so pay attention before you start insulting him thanks. Insult me all you like, this is MY opinion not his.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

What you're missing here, Mascara, is the fact that somebody other than your BF has been supporting this child for at least six years. It's time to pay up. If your BF wants to be 'daddy' it's time for him to be just that, including what is past due.

Why do you think your BF should get to play daddy but not have to fork over support including the back support? I will assume the government has been helping this child out with Income Support payments and you will also recall this child has had some huge medical bills...all at the governments expense.

Sure, what daddy would not like to have someone else pay their dues in life and yet get to be pretend daddy?

They will assess what is owed and they will put a claim on his earnings...rightly so. You fail to realize that if you make him take this DNA test and he is not the father that the government will continue to make the mother keep searching for bio-dad, right? There will be no 'playing daddy' until the search becomes successful. How could you want that for this child?

I don't rightly care if YOU don't get a new house, makes no difference to me that you might continue to rent some little tiny apartment so BF can make arrears to CSA and also new continuing support payments. If BF wants to continue to be the father role in this child's life, then he has to be willing to step up totally to the plate.

What's up with the attitude that BF can take a test, get out of arrear owed and still be dad to the boy? What happens if real father is found in six months?

Grow up, accept this child and the money owed and the financial responsibilities of this child along with the BF or move on. BF is years late to get all upset about what is past due now.

You push the BF into a test that he does not want just because you want a house next year or want most of his paycheck to remain intact for just the two of you and a rosy start in your future plans , you might end up forcing BF out of this child's life whether he wanted to be or not.

Fine, force your BF to take the test. If he is proven to be the father (as you have said you do believe he really is) then you still have the arrears and the new on going payments to make. What then? What are you going to do when BF still has to pay the money? Come back and whine your BF really is the father?

If your BF has made clear to you he does not want to discuss it and does not want a DNA test, you need to respect his wishes. I will assume BF is not a total idiot and knows all by himself without your nagging and pushing that he can call for a DNA test if he wants one.

Find yourself a guy without a child and responsiblities (past and present)or accept what your BF wishes and desires to do. Maybe BF will have to get an additional job to pay his dues, he won't be the first daddy who has had to...will you be back then whinning again about how little time BF spends on you? Will we be right back to where you started last fall? My BF has no time for me?


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

mascara, I never said he was the deadbeat father; please re-read my post.

However, you said I do not begrudge him paying monthly child support if the child is his, in fact I have always told him he should have been doing that from day one until he said he *might* not be the dad. It's the backdated payments that bother me as they will be of no benefit to anyone and she is only doing it to make our lives difficult. 9000 is a deposit for a mortgage and it should go to something worthwhile instead of the government. Perhaps I am missing the part where you said (in that post) that you didn't want him paying it because someone else should be? Because I only saw the part where you didn't want him paying it because it was only going to the government and was thus not worthwhile.

As for BF, he stopped paying maintenance because he wasn't sure he was the father, but she has now convinced him that he is and he has just taken her word for it. BF is either the "father" or he is not. If he decides not to pursue a DNA test, that is his business. However, it is then HIS responsibility to pay the government back for the child support that he was not paying. Which part of that do you disagree with? Do you think that the taxpayers should just eat the cost of the period during which your BF was not sure if he was Daddy or not?


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Mascara,

I'm sorry if it offends you to hear him called a deadbeat, but if he is not the one that wants a DNA test & he has accepted that he is the father because he has bonded ~ which is VERY commendable ~ then there is ABSOLUTELY no justification for not paying support all along. The child has to eat & live, whether he is sure or not of the genetic relationship~ he's already accepted this as his child. You can't just support the child when you feel like it...

and yes, if he loves the child and accepts the child as his legally, he does need to support the child, even if another 'deadbeat' contributed the DNA. He isn't willing to take a test to prove there is another deadbeat... so that makes HIM the deadbeat for the time he has not supported the child he calls his.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

he is a deadbeat if he didn't pay child support all this time. why would even want a guy who refused to pay child support for that many years? i see that you don't want him to pay all this money and that's why you push him for DNA test, well why not find a guy with no children?


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Mascara, you do remember, right, that in October last, you were telling us that this child was a planned pregnancy between your BF and his ex? No questions about real bio than.

Now that CSA wants paid back, your angle against the child is that he is not Bf's. Bf should not have to pay money...BF should be allowed secret DNA to get out of payment but still get to play daddy, blah blah blah.

No word about not being daddy in Oct, Dec or Feb. Suddenly here comes July and you demand that BF have a DNA because BF has to finally start child support and backpay.

In Dec you were telling us you yourself were on gov. benefits and then you tell us BF is broke because he is running back and forth to see child in hospital and BF has gone into debt over it...now you are telling us both you and BF have good jobs are not deadbeats, work hard and should not have to pay any backpay to this child that might not be BF's.

Seriously, it's all about money, your future, your wants and wishes...you, you, you.

Let the BF be his own man. If you can't handle that, move on.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

How strange that your BF has always been so involved in son's life...yet he didn't pay child support for years because kid might not be his! How does that work?? He was happy to play dad but not pay? Wrong wrong wrong...
At least now he wants to step up to the plate, and it's about time. Let him pay the money he should have paid all along, once he decided to be dad. Pfff

What if you get your way and he gets DNA test.
Outcome 1: he is dad. He should pay back the money. You wil not be happy.
Outcome 2: he is not dad. He doesn't pay. He's devastated and there will be a fallout. This will be on your shoulders. You will not be happy.

Try and think of the kid here. Imagine you are the kid and what would this kid want? For your BF to be in his life, right? Do the right thing, respect BF's decision, for the kids sake.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

The mother also had unprotected sex with 3 other men THAT WE KNOW OF around the time of conception, not all of whom have had a DNA test, so yes there is plenty of question actually. She is gay and wanted a baby and basically decided she was getting one from someone because she was too young to qualify for insemination/adoption etc at the time. She also wanted to move out and wanted to get herself to the top of the housing list.

He mentioned this to me almost a year and a half ago, I asked how he knew his son was his and he said "She told me he is." I asked why he didn't get a DNA test and he said he doesn't know why but its too late now to get one.
The subject of his paternity has never come up since, I just left it at that, but there is now a hell of a lot of money involved so I just wondered whether to bring it up again, which I haven't so far and I don't know whether I will or not.

He has not ALWAYS been involved in his sons life - she moved away for four years and he had no idea where she was and didn't want to find her because he hates her and didn't want to fight over a kid that wasn't his.

4 years later, her son needs a kidney, no family members are a match and all of a sudden she is in touch saying HE is the Dad. He has a blood test, they have the same blood type, he takes that as proof he is. He was just weeks away from the tests to see if he is a doner match and having a kidney removed before another one came along. He will still need to give his kidney away in a few years though if it matches.

If this is his kid fine, but I don't want her taking advantage of him because she can.
I didn't bring up the DNA thing around the time of the transplant because it was a very sensitive time before anyone asks why I didn't mention it then.

I was on benefits because I was made redundant. Prior to that I paid taxes anyway so was perfectly entitled to that, I'm not a scrounger, the company I worked for collapsed. I don't really understand what that has to do with anything to be honest.

For the record, he also didn't REFUSE to pay child support, she started to take it from him for a couple of months then stopped it and disappeared. It was her choice not his. He took that as a lucky escape as he assumed she had found out who the dad was, and that it wasn't him. He didn't even know she'd had the baby, he found out from someone else and another man was at the birth, and his name wasn't on the birth certificate. He had no reason to assume he was the father. He was only just 17 at the time so was just really relieved.

He is very trusting and always doing whatever he can to make other people happy, and she knows this, so I am just concerned she has scapegoated him, to the point where he could end up having a potentially fatal operation and ending up homeless.
This is not a purely selfish thought of mine, I am getting sick of watching her take advantage of his nature, even for the smallest things. I'm pretty sure his name still isn't on the birth certificate.

At the end of the day, yes I would like us to be able to start building a life for ourselves, and maybe that is selfish, but I also don't want him to die or have to live in a crappy homeless shelter, or declare himself bankrupt for someone elses child, and I genuinly don't see whats wrong with any of those reasons for questioning this.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

There's nothing wrong with wanting those things Mascara. But I think this is an issue for your BF to resolve.

The child really has nothing to do with it. You were not there, you have the perspective of second hand information.

My advice is to back off and let him get this straightened out on his own.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Nov 2009

--But its very hard to open my heart and home to someone who is just a constant reminder of him having sex with his ex.
And it's not that that bothers me so much - its the fact that he was a planned child, so they weren't just having sex, they were doing it to physically create a child, and that's what really bothers me.

When he was 16 and she got pregnant, he was very depressed and said he was so lonely he just wanted someone that would always be there. His ex, however was in sound mind.

He has admitted that at times he regrets having a child because it has ultimately led to the breakdown of every relationship he has had since and taken away a chunk of his childhood.

His ex basically took advantage of him when he was in a bad place and in my opinion completely ruined and stole his late childhood.

How am I supposed to have this woman in my life until one of us dies if I hate her so much?"--

And now this woman who you hate so much has had the audacity to expect support and the government it's back due. How dare she! Oh, wait, you're story has changed now...now he is not the father.

So what is it you want, Mascara? For one of us to say 'yes, you demand right this instant to your BF that he get a DNA and don't stop pushing him until you win the agrument'?

Fine, okay, you do that. Call him up right now and tell him to run down and get that test or, or, or, what? How are you going to make him do what he does not want to do?

Again, what if he is the father proven by DNA? What are you going to do then about the child you resent and his mother that you hate?


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Last year (LY): The mother split with him as soon as she found out she was pregnant, and is now in a gay relationship. She prevented him seeing his child for 3 years or so after he was born.

LY: She then moved, stopped him from seeing his child and only spoke to him over the next two years to throw abuse and obcenities at him

This year(TY): she moved away for four years and he had no idea where she was

............

LY: His child is not going to die, he is giving him his kidney within the next couple of months and if all goes well he will be perfectly normal.

TY: to the point where he [BF] could end up having a potentially fatal operation....He was just weeks away from the tests to see if he is a doner match

.........

LY: he didn't start being a parent until he was in his 20's - and although it was the mother saying that he wasn't allowed to see the child, he put up very little fight and basically dodged his responsibilities until he felt he was ready to be a parent.

TY: He didn't even know she'd had the baby, he found out from someone else ... He had no reason to assume he was the father.
.............

LY: she [BM] clicked her fingers at him and he once again dropped me like a piece of rubbish.

TY: didn't want to find her because he [BF] hates her [BM] and didn't want to fight over a kid that wasn't his.

..............

TY: He stopped paying maintenance because he wasn't sure he was the father...The reason he stopped paying maintenance in the first place is because the paternity was unknown...is going to pay that money [CS] if he has to

TY: For the record, he also didn't REFUSE to pay child support, she started to take it from him for a couple of months then stopped it and disappeared. It was her choice not his.

No matter how much your story changes, the basic fact remains that your BF is very probably the father to a very sick little boy. You were (sometimes) perfectly happy to let him "play" at being Daddy so long as he wasn't actually supporting the child, but now that the time has come for Daddy to pay the piper, all the sudden it's stories of kidnapping promiscuous cradle-snatching lesbian BM.

Maybe BF is not the real father - it's none of your business. Maybe he will in fact have to pay lots of back child support for a child that is not biologically his - it's not YOUR money. Maybe he will devote more time than you like to this sick little boy - you don't have exclusive rights to your BF's leisure time. Maybe your BF will donate his kidney to a child that is not his - it's not your kidney! You have your basic two options here - take it, or leave it. You may only be 19 or 20 but it's time for you to grow the hell up and realize that you cannot control anyone's life but your own, and that no one but you is responsible for making your life what you want it to be. If your BF is or wants to be Daddy, he is responsible for his son's financial and emotional support, including back support - he is not responsible for yours. Deal with it.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

I really think you need to get out of this relationship.

Silver is right---there is nothing wrong with you wanting the things you do.What IS wrong is expecting, even demanding, them from someone who is NOT in a position to give them.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

:) Love is right. Would you really want to be with a man who would abandon a child he (in your words) brought into the world on purpose, took responsibility for, and who is ill?

Changing people does not work, you will be eventually disappointed and you will put this child through undeserved anguish as well as potentially harming the relationship between the child and the man who for all intents and purposes is the father.

Your BF has made quite a bed for himself. Now you need to decide if you want to sleep in it.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

As my aunt used to tell me, there are all kinds of fish in the sea.

This one is what he is, & his life is what it is, & you hate it.

Throw him back & go on.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

So many women go into marriages thinking they can change the men they marry, and very few actually are able to.

OK - So you think your guy is great, and only needs a few minor changes.
But HIS SITUATION (which you can't change at all) is terrible!
And His Situation will wreack havoc on your relationship for the next *however long* it lasts.

Why do this to yourself?


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

But taking me and our relationship completely out of the picture, what you are all essentially saying is that there could be a man out there who doesn't deserve to know he has a son, and a boy who has no right to find out who his real dad is?

What if my partner isn't a donor match but there is a biological father out there who is a perfect match and could add years to the boys life?

Everyone should know who there parents are.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Agreed that everyone should know who his parents are.
Agreed that your BF should absolutely know whether or not this child is his --
OR make a clear and final decision that this boy's biological parentage doesn't matter and that he's the 'real' dad (which it doesn't sound like he's done)

But unless he has the DNA test,
finds out definitively the child is not his,
and dramatically reduces his financial and emotional ties --

then YOUR life is unavoidably messed up and compromised by a situation that YOU cannot change.

Now YOU GET TO CHOOSE a messed up boyfriend with a messy life and trouble making decisions --
or a fresh start with someone without those kinds of messes.

If you were 40- or 50-something, this kind of baggage generally comes with the territory. But NOT at 20-something. At young 20-something, you deserve a new guy! Not someone else's beat up 'scratch and dent discount model'!


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

and a boy who has no right to find out who his real dad is?

Define "real dad". My brother is my nieces real dad. He is *not* her biological father. If he and my SIL divorced and some new girlfriend thought he should not be paying child support because he is not her "real dad", he would kick her to the curb faster than you can say dna test. My niece, and your BFs son, deserve ***stability*** and they deserve to know that the people who have been raising them are not going to some day abandon them based on a biological technicality. And, yes, I mean a technicality, in the sense of something that doesnt really matter in the real scheme of things. If your BF didnt want to be this boys "real dad", he should have addressed that fact and had the DNA test long ago, before acting in the role of dad to the child.

Ok, he didnt. If it matters to him, he darn well needs to do it now and do it soon, but do it knowing that he either takes on full dad role including paying support, including paying back support, or he is no longer the dad, period. If that is what he wants, thats a terrible thing to do to that child, imo, but its better to do it now than later. But its an all-or-nothing thing. He cant use it to get out of the financial support payments, and still get to be a dad to the boy.

What if my partner isn't a donor match but there is a biological father out there who is a perfect match and could add years to the boys life?
Well, what if? What good is *him* having a dna test going to do? The boys mother certainly knows whether or not there are other possibilities in terms of his biological father, and she is capable of asking them to be tested for a match whether or not your BF gets dna tested. If there is a chance of such a thing, then as the boys "real dad" (the one whos been raising and caring for him as a son), then I would think your BF might consider raising that possibility with the mother. Its not your business, either way, though and you obviously have enough of a personal self-interest in wanting him to not be the dad that you cant really give objective advice here.

But taking me and our relationship completely out of the picture, what you are all essentially saying is that its none of your business. You have to let them deal with it themselves; you dont get to have a say. Then you can put you and your relationship back into the picture and you get to decide if the end result is something you want in your life.


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... would kick her to the curb faster than...

um, I hope it was clear I meant kick the *girlfriend* to the curb, not his daughter.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

I agree with Quirk.

1. The mom knows if there are other bio-dad possibilities.
2. Everyone should know who their bio-parents are so they know health history.
3. Your BF is a donor match and is willing to donate.
4. You have no say in the matter.

It's harsh. But I think you will get older and realize just how much energy you expended with very little return. This is not your business. This is not your hill to die on. This is not your battle.

If you keep banging away at this you are the only one who will get tired and beaten up. Your BF and his Ex have some relationship that works for them. It will be there forever. That's what happens when you have a child with someone. You have very little chance of changing the dynamics of this relationship.

You are young. I'm sure you are smart and beautiful. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!! If your BF is really the man for you he will return, and you two may get another chance. Believe me, people who are meant to be in your life have a way of turning back up. His job right now is to work out his choices made years ago and figure out what is his commitment and obligations to this boy and his mother. You cannot possibly help him with this. No one can.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

I'm not impressed with your change in tactics, Mascara. You did not get us to say what you wanted us to us by using the 'Poor Mascara' routine, so now you're switching to 'okay, forget me, but thinking of the child/his health..."

You realize, right, that a biological father just might not be a match even if DNA proves he is the biological father? There are no guarantees that a biological father will match as a donor, just has the child's mother and family has already failed in matching.

If your BF has already been through the intial compatible stage and was moving into the more comprehensive evaluation stage of testing for a usable match as donor, I was assume BF has thought this thing through fairly well and is capable of making his own decisions.

Mom and BF and drs of this child are the ones to be discussing and considering this child, not you.

I still think you're grasping at straws to push for the DNA to avoid monetary support.

If as you say, this mother really has already had several men tested as DNA matches to her son, don't you think if her son's drs thought the true biological father was the only true best answer for the chances of their paitient, they'd push for her to find the 'correct' father?

Think about it. If your child was seriously ill, would you waste time just trying to tag parenthood/support on some guy just to claim support, or would you stop at nothing to hunt down every man you ever slept during the time period and legally demand DNA testing to positively id said father both for the sake of the child's health and for support?

Of course you would just as any other mother with a seriously sick child would.

Let your BF, the child's mother and the child's drs. worry about what is best for this child. You...you stay out of it. Debating what we think a biological father has a deserved right to or not is not the issue here. If your BF feels the child's mother should be hauling in different men, your BF will bring this up all by himself.

Centers doing transplants on children do not take any of this lightly, there are vast counseling going on daily to both the parents and any possible living donors, I'd bet both BF and mother have already discussed many things both with the drs and each other and they don't need a 19 year old chipping in her 2 cents.

As you yourself said lets 'take you and your relationship completely out of the picture'.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

If your child was seriously ill, would you waste time just trying to tag parenthood/support on some guy just to claim support

justmetoo, remember that Mascara is upset because it is back support that would not go to the child or to the BM but to the government. Mascara would not be upset if it went to "something worthwhile", like a mortgage for her and her BF.

So we are all supposed to believe that the mother of a child who desperately needed a transplant was going to lie about the paternity of her child, all in order that she could then take that patsy to court to force him to pay back support that she herself would never see a penny of. This strike me as a bit strange since Mascara said that she was a "brilliant" mother.

I'm not a bit impressed with the new "think of the children" ploy either. Less than a year ago the child was going to be fine, he was going to get a donated kidney and have a normal life (which, by the way, is absolute BS. No one with a donated organ has a "normal" life. Nor does a person with one kidney. It's not exactly like getting your appendix out and then life goes on exactly as before. Additionally I'm curious about why SS would need another kidney transplant in a few years if he just had one?)

Now all the sudden Mascara is oh-so-worried about the child's health - the child who is currently in hospital because "something" has gone wrong with his bladder. But he's OK. He'll be fine. Whatever.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Poor little guy :(


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Additionally I'm curious about why SS would need another kidney transplant in a few years if he just had one?

Because transplants only last between 6 months and 20 years normally and then they have to do another transplant.
And no this conversation has not been discussed with the doctors because he has never told anyone about his concerns about his paternity other than me.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

If there were any question, I would discuss with the doctors. But I'm a parent.

Mascara, I don't want to come down hard on you. You have a very full life ahead of you. Please ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want to live.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Your naivety of a young girl, non-parent, non-involved party is showing, Mascara...but hey, you just keep thinging you've been privy to everything plus a few unshared 'secrets' if that is what you want.

Why is it so important to you that any one of us total unknown strangers agree with you and think you should demand your BF do as you think he should or that you know what is best for your BF, this child and this child's situation?

Do as you please...you will eventually anyway...all you're doing here is trying to find somebody to agree with you so you can justify to yourself that what you're demanding is the right thing to do.

If you truly believed you should be demanding this for BF and the child, you would not still be here days later trying to convince us you're right...you would not of asked us at all.


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RE: Possibly not the Father and Child Support payments???

Oh, wow, Mascara!

I haven't been around much, and I see that you are still involved in this mess.

I also see that you have gotten something like a hundred posts, many long and thoughtful, all saying exactly the same thing.

You don't take our advice, but you keep coming back and asking.

What is this about?

I said it to you last fall, honey, and I'll say it again:

Love this guy enough to do the right thing by him and his son.

Move on. If you can't see the future well enough to do it for yourself, do it for them.

I promise, it won't hurt forever.

Good luck.


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