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BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

Posted by liesbeth (My Page) on
Thu, Jul 16, 09 at 4:30

The skids are with us this week. Last night they rang their mum, and got off the phone pretty annoyed.
Turns out that BM moved SD13 into SD11's bedroom without even talking to SD's about it prior!

BM is having another baby and needs a room for this baby. We've been wondering how they were going to solve that, but this is wrong in my opinion. Why not talk to them about it beforehand? But no, this is where BM is BM and decides how it is, she does NOT need to talk to anybody about what she does, never has and never will.

I do feel sorry for SD13 and SD11, it's a tiny room and they need their privacy! Bm's house has 2 lounges so why not change one into a bedroom? Chuck a door in, done!

In BM's house nothing is ever certain. Not even your own space or personal belongings. SD13 is so annoyed, and SD11 is not exactly thrilled either.

And here's another ripper; SD11 told me yesterday that BM has decided it is best that BF moves into an appartment, but they would still be together (??) That is because BM does not love BF in 'that' way anymore but she still wants to be with him, just not all the time (??). BF could come and visit them and they could visit BF at his place.
And then SD11 said this is because this way they can always be there when BF spends time with his son (and the new baby that's on the way). That is because BF can't be trusted with the babies on his own, after all he doesn't look after them properly (??).

Supervised visits for the BF while he is still her BF, but he'll have to live somewhere else..yeah that makes sense.

I asked SD11 how BF is around his son. Does it make SD11 worried when she sees BF with his son? SD11 did reply he is nice with their baby brother, but he is very lazy and always sits on the couch (BM's poison I reckon). So I said to SD11 that I think the best way to judge BF is to look at how he behaves, not what she hears about him. Surely he'll be alright with the babies, he's a nice guy. (he really is a nice guy, beaten into submission).

I wonder how anybody survives in such chaos :-(


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

this is bizzare, he is still her BF but lives elsewhere now and what about supervised visits? are both babies his? what a strange arrangement. as I take it she is breaking up with BF but doesn't want kids to know.

no, you can't move kids out of their rooms without telling them. ridiclous. she had to tell them.

On the other hand my parents once made us a surprise wihtout telling, but it was a good surprise. We lived in a tiny place and I had to share a room wiht my brother, when we were in camp our parents remodeled and moved things around and manage to get us separate rooms. We came back from camp and oh my what a surprise, we each had room to ourselves! Mind you my poor brother got a bedroom formerly known as a storage room LOL but at least we didn't have to share!!! but we are talking about good surprises here not bad like your SDs got.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

Sounds like BM wants her cake and to eat it too....

She is dumping him, but hanging on just enough so she's getting what she wants... to control his time with his kids but she has complete freedom! Wow! Ladies, pay attention... this is how it starts~ Can you imagine what HIS life is going to be when he meets someone that actually WANTS to be with him??? I CAN!!!

Not only that, she is teaching her children that this is how relationships are handled! That concerns me more than giving the bedroom to the baby. Yes, it's inconsiderate and she should have arranged that when the kids were there, but rearranging rooms to make room for another child is necessary sometimes. Of course, if I were tossing out my BF.. I would arrange to keep baby in my room for the first few months. They are in a crip/bassinet and need to be up with them in the night... it just makes more sense. But it would also make more sense to try working things out better with the BF so this baby has a chance of having parent be together... poor baby has no chance and it's sad to me when a baby is born into a split family from day 1.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

This is so bizarre.
It's very rude of BM to move the girls into the same room without telling them ahead of time.
IMO, girls that age need to feel like they have some control over something (and their own room is a good choice)... If the girls needed to move into the same room, they should have been involved in it - to decide where they wanted their furniture, how to decorate, who got which side of the closet, etc. Then, even though they were moving, they'd get some involvement in it.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

It is bizarre. Yes, of course she should have told the girls. No, she may not have had much choice -- if not now, in a year or two. Yes, I would have just moved bassinet into my room for a while. Yes teh situtation with BF is terrible.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

The BF has not moved out yet, BM is only 'preparing' the girls that it's going to happen, and my guess is soon.

Last night SD13 was having a bad night, she's not looking forward to going back this weekend. FDH told her that next time she can come and stay with us for a bit longer if she wants. After all BM has always insisted the girls can make their own decisions where they want to stay (keeping in mind that she always guilt-tripped them into pleasing her and doing what she wants).

We have given into the fact now that we can't 'force' them to come to our place and given them the freedom to make their own decision (even though we wanted to just keep it simple and stick to the court order - routine and stability etc).

However, now that that means SD13 wants to stay with us a bit more BM is probably going to get angry. We'll see what happens when they go back this time, but I don't think it's going to be easy for SD to organise a bit more time with us.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

I actually think that BF is dumping her but she is too embarassed to tell the girls. She has a baby and is pregnant, no way it is her initiative to break up.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

That is a good point FD, but I'm also not underestimating the control-issues that BM has.

A little bit of background info here:

When she initially left FDH they sold the house, he started paying child support, and then they decided to give it another chance.
BM had a rental and FDH was there most of the time, but still paying child support. BM said she didn't want to rush into things and FDH agreed with that. She'd 'send' FDH back to his parents for the night when she needed some space. This went on for a year, and then FDH said that he'd either want to fully move back in and be together, or they'd split up, because it wasn't going to work this way. (Practically living there, trying to make the marriage work, and paying child support?).

BM then said he could move back in, but did not sign the agreement to stop child support. A couple of months after he moved back in FDH had enough and told BM he was moving out and it was over. He got in the car, drove back to his parents, and BM practically chased him down there. She told him they would go straight to CSA to change it right then and there, if only he'd come back. But it was the point of no return for FDH and that is when he finally left her for good.

So hmm..not too sure if there's issues with money and power going on here as well.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

SHe does sound like a control issue here for biomom...andi'm pretty sure FD hit this one on the nail. BF is leaving her...and she must be miserable to live with if he is leaving her pregnant...ouch.
Sounds like Bm may be mentally unstable as well....she shows odd bizarre situations...it just doesn't make any sense. You dont dangle people back and forth like a yo-yo....sit onthe potty or get off! imo.
Its obvious she needs the room for the baby...i have to back her up on that one. But i would have put the baby first in my room, cause that's what i did in my case....and within the year, if the place is too small, she should think of moving...or give the girls the bigger room.


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RE: BM took SD13's room and told her after it was done

I agree that of course she needs a room for the baby, but why not talk to SD13 and SD11 first? That has never hurt anyone.

And yes, BM is mentally unstable. We suspect she's got Borderline Personality Disorder, but since she hasn't been diagnosed that is only a guess (she has 8 of the 9 symptoms). BPD is based on the fear of abandonment. People suffering from this disorder do seem to dangle loved ones back and forth like a jo-jo, that's a good description.

As for the BF: you guys might be right. SD13 mentioned that BM wants to stay in a relationship with BF (while living apart) so he doesn't do the same to her as FDH has done. This is one thing that always comes back. Everybody does everything to BM, BM never ever takes responsibility for anything herself, she ALWAYS blames other people. And SD11 is pretty good at copying that behavior, but that's a different story.
A good example of blaming others, and this one is out there, is for example the reason why the baby is still in BM's bed at 15 months old. She blames her friends who always demand they go over to their place and then they have to stay till 1 o'clock in the morning. So that is why the baby did not get in a routine, all because of her friends.
???????????????
We've already been informed that the new baby will get in a routine because when it's born they're not going over to those friends anymore.
The mind boggles..


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