Here's the thing in my situation ... BM knows the children are with me certain hours of the day its not a hidden fact. So when BM is calling to change times etc. She is calling hubby who she knows is at work because she is calling his work cell phone. So then he has to call me for me to adjust my schedule to "accomodate" her needs. So yes if she is supposed to be here at 3 to pick the kids up ... hubby is still at work I am the one home with them ... I have said it over and over for 2 years.... do not include me in the time change if you're not going to be here then the time needs to reflect when you are going to be home so you can make the exchange. It is finally that way after 2 years. Unless of course BM needs to change the times again. Like if she can't pick them up afterschool for whatever reason. So yes it would make sense for her to directly call me to shift my schedule. But in her thinking "he is the one inconveniencing me" well if you call him at work for everytime you "need" him to adjust the schedule around your wants or be there for the children when you should be then who are you really inconveniencing? besides the children of course? I have even said to her after she was rambling on and on how unaccomodating he is ... that if he got out of work everytime she called to change times he wouldn't have a job he would have to be a SAHD to accomodate you and that her CS would be outrageous. Yes parents should be flexible but when its only one parent doing the flexing that is unfair. I kept repeating to hubby when she would call to change this or that ... when she asks you something ask yourself would she do it for you? then ask her while she is asking you do to for her ask her to do something for you .... exchange answers then if not be firm and say no .... he finally grew a back bone after her saying numerous times "WHY should I do you any favors??" his answers got easier for him as the time went on. He realized she wouldn't do anything that wasn't court ordered..... Asked her for a year to take the kids on a one weekend night one time ... didn't matter when and she could not accomodate ... her answer "take me to court" ok so he goes to court the judge orders every friday and saturday ... 3 months in ... she asks ... do you think he would take the kids on a saturday night???? I'd like to have one saturday night off to go out with friends....I said I know what his answers will be... what do you mean?? well he asked you for a year and your answers were .... "why should I do you any favors? and take me to court" so I could bet money those will be his responses to you for atleast a year. But you are certainly free to ask him. And as far as my SM vision works ... if it had snowed 4 inches at IMA's and her hubby was supposed to pick up his DD come hell or high water if hubby wasn't there getting her BM would have flipped out so don't bother using the snow excuse some people just want everything their way or no way. And are only willing to accomodate themselves and no one else. In Ima's situation BM (SM vision again) is supposed to pick the child up afterschool on a friday but calls most weeks to change the time to 6 pm or later because she doesn't want to drive alone the 2 hours to get her daughter so she waits for the BF to get home from work then makes the 2 hour trek. So pick up daughter at 6 after dinner of course. Then drives 2 hours back home if she stops along the way to visit her other child then its an even longer trip .... who is inconvienced there I would say it was the child 4 hours every weekend in a car. Wow that sounds like a lot of fun. Its common courtesy to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be. Say you took a second job on a friday night knowing your child(ren) were going to NCP's every weekend right from school. But then NCP starts calling well I can't get there til 6 pm do you quit your job? or do you tell NCP too bad I have to be somewhere figure out a way? Or NCP is supposed to take the children to dinner on Wed nights... from 5 to 8 ok great so you decide to take a pottery class or whatever .... "knowing" you have adjusted your schedule around your children. Then NCP starts cancelling. Now you have already paid for the class in full no refunds. Do you tell NCP ok this one time but I am taking a pottery class or do you drop what you are doing to accomodate NCP?

I appreciate the comments from everyone and your opinions based on limited information. As for the not communicating with BM. This woman does not have civil conversations. I can only think of two occasions where DH didn't go in circles with her until he had to hang up the phone - which is why most of the communication is handled via e-mail. The judge gave him primary custody and the ability to have the final say which says alot when everyone knew he was not the biological father. The school at one point said my ss was brainwashed by his BM and that is part of the court record. They actually expressed concern for her wellbeing because she was not acting like herself. Needless to say, she only gets him wed nights and every other weekend. DH has him the rest of the time. DH has been the parent and I support him, but my SS is at our home more than at her home. That was the court's decision, not mine. If she wants to be a part of his life when he is with us, she needs to step up and communicate with DH- she doesn't. I do not 'parent' the child in the typical sense. I do not make the ultimate decisions on the big things and in regard to talking to the instructor-well, I did try to talk to her civilly after SHE APPROACHED ME. I was sitting by my husband and minding my own business. I explained what happened to her, guess what, SHE DIDN"T WANT TO HEAR IT. Which is the only reason I pointed at my husband. She kept telling me I needed to discuss it with her....no I don't. I only need to discuss it with my husband. DH needs to discuss it with her. If she would have acted civilly, I would have tried to talk more with her...she wasn't there to do that. She was there to put me in my place and she was there for a fight. Have you ever seen someone in that fight or flight syndrome. I have- she had the look for fight and the stance. All I did was answer her questions in a calm voice even though I was blindsided by her daggers. I never called her a name, never raised my voice, never left my seat. When she was getting out of hand, I deferred to the person who had to deal with her for 10 years. Seemed like a pretty good idea to let someone who knows her, deal with her. Even her mother will tell you she was looking for a fight- not to have a civil conversation. Maybe one day we can talk civilly, but she never did with the step mother for her two older daughters. The daughters that refuse to talk to her except when forced to in counseling. Then she yells at them in the counseling sessions. My husband is the one ordered to deal with her, not me. So at this point, I refuse unless she is acting civilly. And I don't see that happening any time soon. And if you think we can talk in e-mails - think again. I've see the e-mails she sends to people. They are equally uncivil and mean. I do not take that at home, I will not take that from her. As for warning her about the police and order of protection- she cornered her own mother in the courthouse-with her son there- grabbed her by the arm and I had to call a bailiff to get her away. It took three of them to escort her back to the courtroom and she was still yelling back at her mother. She has told my ss she is going to commit suicide and told him she already tried once. Her husband refers to her as a suicidal b____. When someone has already show aggressive tendencies and when someone is suicidal- nobody can predict what they will do. She has also called my work before trying to get me in trouble and I warned them about this weekend also because she is just crazy enough to call and try something. I asked them to let me know so I can document the behavior if it happen- AGAIN! For those who think I'm wanting to be the parent of my SS- I try very hard not to overstep that boundary. My DH and I are constantly reminding him to call his mom or when he thinks we'll be upset about his talking about her, we assure him we won't and let him talk without reproach. We all know who the mom is except mom. And if she really had an issue with this outside of wanting to start fights with me- she should take her own son to the dentist instead of scheduling the appointment on DH's time knowing DH can't take him, she won't take him and I'm the one who will take him. She was pushing her parenting off to me...I can't really say-no, I'm not taking him to the dentist because my ss's tooth is hurting. He had a cavity because both biological parents were doing some poor parenting by not taking a cavity prone kid to the dentist in over two years. She didn't want to pay, and still hasn't paid her half, but I stepped up and took him and paid. Nobody on this forum has been in my shoes and can know about what is happening and I don't like this feeling of having defend ever small little thing when all I really wanted was a vent. I did nothing wrong. I don't want to communicate with an uncivil, emotionally unstable person. A person who has shown aggressive and self destructive tendencies. Maybe if she gets some therapy and shows some improvement in her interpersonal skills. Who knows, but now-no way will I take the risk of her verbal or potential physical abuse. By the way, where I live, her using profanity in that setting, is a crime and is punishable in the municipal courts. Now, I'm going to have to stop writing on this forum. This means of communication doesn't really work for me. I have found a support group locally and think the face to face- real conversations will be more beneficial. This picking a line and seeing how it can be disected and destroyed really seems to be causing more stress than anything. And the last thing I need right now is more stress. It's upsetting as this forum should do more good than harm, but there are obviously people with personal agendas. I don't mind some someone saying- maybe this is what is going on, but comments comparing me to a babysitter are just insane and cause my blood to boil. A babysitter doesn't have to handle the child when he comes home every other weekend angry and not himself. Nor do they have to handle the child who cries because their mother did or didn't do something, or the step father pointed a bb gun at him while the mother watched. A child so scared to go to his mom's house, he cries himself to sleep with both me and my DH stroking his back as his cries are so heavy he is losing his breath. I think I do more than babysit. Thank you for those who provide advise without the personal agenda- the ones who truly are trying to help- whether I agreed with your take on things or not. I really do appreciate your input. There are always new ways of looking at things and that can be a positive experience. I may peek in from time to time, but I think I'm out for now. For those who are interested- I spoke with the doctor today. He is willing to try the IVF procedure with my eggs with whatever limited supply I have. The chances are low, but there is a chance for a child with my genetic make up. Even if it doesn't work, at least we can say we tried and didn't just give up. If it doesn't work, we will likely try either donor eggs or adoption. We are beginning to look into adoption in preparation. Thank you for all your kind works regarding my dilema and I wish you all well.

Ok thanks Po1 I was sooooo confused! Lol As far as the tax, it is a federal offense, look it up. If they are doing it, you don't have to go back to court, you contact the IRS. Period. Momof3 I believe you have said you are in NJ so please correct me if I am wrong. BUT on their website www.njchildsupport.org it specifically states, child support is calculated by both parents NET income combined. AND it also specifically states that other children in the paying parents household are considered into the percentage because she has to be able to provide for her other biological children. So there you go. $56 is fair for her income and the # of children she has based on her salary AND your husband's salary. NET is after all withholdings are taken out. Taxes, insurance, life insurance, etc. I understand your frustration BUT some of your anger is misguided at BM. Be made at the state of New Jersey for calculating your husband's income. And as far as the health insurance goes, neither BM nor BD provide health insurance for the child. Unfortunately what you are doing is not recognized by NJ. It states stepparent/grandparent income, contributions or their other bio children do not count in this equation. It is soley mom and dad period. So the person you should be mad at is the state not BM. You are giving her a free ride of health insurance and according to that website, you will not be reimbursed. I am so sorry that you deal with such a wonderful (sarcasm) mother. I am sorry that you have to pick up the pieces. But you are putting too much on your back for the role you have. God bless you honey. :)

Thanks Ladies...... Cat - I don't think the judge would have really listened to both sides if the claims BM made did not seem so outrageous and DH and I had not been collecting all of the information we did. BM in this case really took it way to far with the false allegations.... she claimed DH's entire family and myself and daughter were all against and abusing SD..... Of course the worse things were pointed against myself. But we had tons of things to counter as well..... pictures, dvd's of family events and vacations we took SD on, and the other things BM left as a paper trail.... letters from the school, daycares and doctor. It was extremely stressful to have to go through a BM trying to take away joint custody from my DH simply because he got married and to see all the lies and allegations.... BUT like the judge said - because DH got on that stand and said he did not want to take custody away from BM - he just wanted to have a peaceful relationship with his daughter and was willing to give BM another shot at trying to be mature - the judge as she put it is giving BM "custody probabtion" and hopefully BM will take her words to heart. We have been so much more peaceful at our home - and just to see SD be more peaceful when we pick her up or when she comes - lets us know that maybe the alienation for now has ceased. I just am hoping the situation remains peaceful for now - and this story may help someone else out in some kind of way.