liesbeth, Stockholm Syndrome is so named after a bank robbery that occured in Stockholm Sweden, in which the bank employees were held hostage and placed in mortal fear of their lives for six days. When finally freed, instead of being grateful for their salvation, they not only protected and defended their captors, but identified with them and had become so emotionally attached, that even long afterwards, voluntarily stood by their former abusers, pleading their case to gain public sympathy through the press, raising money for their legal defense, supporting them through the trial and subsequent jail sentences and one woman even ended up marrying one of them. This phenomenon has been noted many times, and is believed to be a psychological response that arises in a victim who is lead to believe their very survival depends on "bonding" with their abuser. It is an automatic defense mechanism that goes way back to their first days of birth, similar to the bond infants form with their parents, which can subsequently be artificially developed, manipulated and intensified through the use of psychological "brainwashing" techniques, such as those employed by religious "cults", to strip their followers from their "freedom of choice", rendering them unable to make their own decisions, to keep them dependent on their cult leaders, for the purpose of turning them into their very own little "puppets". If anyone can't see yet just how abusive, manipulative, and psychologically damaging this is to proper development and well being of a child, I'll be glad to elaborate further, but I have to go visit a client right now. I'm not really sure what advice, if any I can give you liesbeth, my husband and I are actually seeing a therapist right now, who specializes in "cult deprogramming", partially to see if there's anything we can do to stop the stalking and harrassment from his nutzoid BM without having to completely remove ourselves from the lives of his children and family who she's managed to recruit, but also for the sake of his daughters, especially since his oldest daughter already HAD a complete and total nervous breakdown, to the point where she became completely nonfunctional. Only her whackjob of a mother has been doing this to her, not as a child, but after she became a married adult with the responsibility of for raising 3 toddler babies. And before anyone here even attempts to try to defend this BM's actions, this isn't MY opinion, it is the opinion of the licensed, professional psychiatrist, who referred us to our current therapist because it was beyond his field of expertise. take care,

I really think why it worked for Dotz, above, is that her SS realized through his own divorce, how BM (his ex-) can so easily contaminate the well. It doesn't take much. Even a deep sigh from BM whenever dad's name or SM's name is mentioned, sends the signals to the kids that dad and SM make mom unhappy and threatened, so the kids feel threatened. Even as adults, very few SKs can remove the emotion from such and see it for what it is--mom being mom and her reaction is just that, her reaction and not necessarily the reality. But, when SS lost his own BM and the divorce shoe was now on his foot, it made it, I'd imagine, easier for things to click. I'm happy for Dotz. I've heard this from a few SMs, where after 20 or such years of being somewhat the family punching bag, something clicked, and next thing you know, BM was off somewhere with her new man and adult kids were all okie-dokie with dad AND SM. Some people have the ability to just let it all go and get back in love with whomever. I'm not sure I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It'd be very hard to let go of 20 years' memories of being the family scapegoat. And that is why I feel the real lesson here is for SKs or adult SKs. If it takes too long to put 2 and 2 together re: who on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose contaminated the well, it may be too late. Then, you lose one of your parents and/ or get divorced, and you have no one to reach out to. Given DNA, bio-dad may be forgiving, but SM may not, and she does not have the DNA connection that is usually required for that much forgiveness. Dotz' SS got really, really lucky. I hope he realizes that!

Hi Misti, Saw your other post, Happy Mothers Day to you, that was a nice thing for you to post..Sorry to say nothing resovled in the year that has gone by since the wedding, DH got a voicemail Dec 26, thanking him for gifts sent thru brother(who does visit and we do have a good relationship with him).He sent my DH a gift with a Christmas card(didnt get one in the mail) taped to it, but nothing for me..So I guess the brunt of his anger is directed to me...I ve cleaned out Amazon on books with Rifts, estrangements, Steps...I ve asked my DH if I should call or email him(he doesnt want me to, he thinks SS hurt me with his behavior) But interestingly enough, on actual anniversary date, SS emailed DH a joke email, not personal, after a year of no emails..Trying to send a message of some kind, but I m not sure what..But, sigh today I m not thinking about that..I ll worry about that one on Fathers Day..Today I miss my own son who is across the country, and I m sure wont call..Sad, sad...He is still angry(3 years later that I remarried,and his dad is alone..And in those 3 years, hes gotten wealthy and famous and cocky, and doesnt need a mom anymore..He s 25...So I ll actually be glad when today is over...And I have been thinking about you too Mist..I m so glad you have your boys today..Just hung up the phone from my SIL who called to wish ME a Happy Mothers Day..She lost her 12 year old, and her husband(my brother lost both his children) Sigh, there are so many good people in the world...Hope you have a peaceful loving day..Thoughts and prayers to you, Misti, rest and enjoy it...XXXOOO Dotz

I have to say that personally I would never call up my ex to help me with anything. I called him one time that I was in a jam and DS was not with me so it was more of something to do with me. He did not help me when I truly felt that I had no one to call at the time or else I would not have called him to begin with. I ended up finding help some other way out of my jam in the end and I will never ask another thing of him to help me out personally again. At the time I was desperate (hence the phone call to him)and I would not have cared if he had brought SM (TOW)with him if that is what he needed to do but he made lame excuses instead so I will never turn to him again. Now it is more of a pride thing. But I have truly only asked one time in eleven years that did not involve just needing help with DS that has usually involved more time for him anyway and I truly thought that once would not have been too much. I also know that SM is/was a very jealous, controlling woman through the years especially when it comes to ex talking to me and I do not know how much of that had influenced the situation. I do not know if now that they are split and he is single that things would be different but I will never find out because I will never ask him again--again, the pride thing. Besides, I am dating a man that is more capable than ex ever was at handling most anything that I would ever need anyway. But even if that were not the case, I would still never call him again. I do not believe that we will ever be true friends. I used to think that we all could be friends but I have come to realize that it is not possible, not in our situation anyway. We did try for a time but things always ended badly. We get along and maintain contact for DS but that is all that it will ever be and I believe that we both realize that and do not try to make more out of it.