Are you just looking for a place to let out your grumpy?
Or do you want us to help you?

We can just sit back and let you grump, or we can try to offer helpful advice.

It appears that you don't have any children YET so you have not gone through the phases of raising kids. Yes, kids often don't show the appreciation until their 20s.

Secondly, be compassionate and aware of the guilt feeling of your H from breaking up the unity of the family of his children. In a way, be thankful that he is a loving father, instead of a man who gives up his children for a new wife. THat is a good moral character to have. Would you like to marry a man who ignores his own children?.

THirdly, spending lots of money of kids will not make them better adults later, I agree with you on this point. Our job as parents is to instill good moral characters so that they can fly on their own. If Your H is spending ways beyond his means then you need to sit down and agree on a budget . For 3 months, keep track of every dollar spent,to see where the money went. THen see if your goals of having college funding, emergency funds, retirement can be met with that pattern of spending or you have to apply some discipline to your own spending habits.

Personally, as a widower, I dated a woman who saw my kids as a threat to her. She called my chidlren, "B*tches", and insisted that I would leave all my assets to her,including my late wife's 401K. Of course, being a fair-minded person, I chose my children over this beautiful-on-the-outside woman. What is our purpose of in life, if not mainly to pass on the legacy to our offsprings.

Ditto Ceph.

I share your frustration from the other side.
My Ex was a Disney Dad (still is), and it was harmful to my son.
So you're right to be concerned, and IMO, also quite right to feel annoyed.

BUT --
If you tell your man his kids are ungrateful brats, you will lose the war with just that one shot.

This war requires strategy.
As you no doubt know, and he has probably heard:
- Children need limits.
- Children need some unstructured time to discover things on ther own.
- Children who are always entertained will always require others to entertain them,
and always whine about how bored they are when no one's entertaining them.
- Most American children already have too many toys, hence, they hardly enjoy the ones they do have.
- Never hearing 'No' leads to raising children who can't delay gratification,
who can't stick to a budget or spend responsibly.
- And only hearing "We can't afford it" as a reason for a 'no' (instead of That's not worthwhile"
grow up to think that the only reason not to do something fun is if you can't afford it,
that rich people never deny themselves anything. (Clearly, a lot of rich people think that way...)

By rephrasing everything as a positive instead of a complaint or criticism, and by taking things slowly and bit by bit, you may be able to help him chart a better course.

"And only hearing "We can't afford it" as a reason for a 'no' (instead of That's not worthwhile"
grow up to think that the only reason not to do something fun is if you can't afford it,
that rich people never deny themselves anything. (Clearly, a lot of rich people think that way...)"

This is interesting, Sweeby, and a good point. Very true.
There is a flipside, though. I'm changing the subject a bit but isn't that often what happens on threads?

Growing up, I had a very privileged upbringing: private schools, expensive camps, trips, clothes, etc. I never heard "we can't afford it" as an answer.

As a result, I have really struggled with saying that phrase to my own daughter. The difference is, my parents were 30+ when I was born--already established, settled, with my dad's business and income steadily increasing.

I had my DD at 21, and have done things backwards in many ways. There are many things--private school to name one--that I cannot afford for her. My dad has picked up on the tab for that but in other areas, i simply cannot give her at age 8 what I had at 8. And that makes me feel GUILTY.

I have a hard time saying "we can't afford it" and instead tend to make up reasons. "No, we can't go to Disney b/c Daddy can't take time off work." Well, the plain and simple truth is: we cannot afford it right now.

The economy has been awful and my DH's business is just now starting to build back up after a rough couple years. We've been OKAY, thank God, but have definitely had to curtail dinners out, budget, etc.

I think AT TIMES it is important to say "we can't afford that right now." I totally agree with what you're saying---it should never be the ONLY no answer---but I think it needs to be said from time to time.

JMO.

"I think AT TIMES it is important to say "we can't afford that right now." I totally agree with what you're saying---it should never be the ONLY no answer---but I think it needs to be said from time to time."

I'd absolutely agree --
I also never heard that phrase growing up, and it was kind of weird not having normal limits that way. Not that my parents were terribly wealthy; they were financially very secure and lived below their means. There was always enough money for whatever was deemed important, but also a strong disdain for showy expenditures and unnecessary luxuries. Private schools? Could be worthwhile. Luxury cars? A nouveau riche embarrassment. Diamonds? Only engagement rings and family heirlooms...

And Disney Land? Absolutely! Once. (Twice?)

I never had a problem to tell my daughter that we can't afford something, yes it does make me feel guilty sometimes but I think it is fine to let kids know. Not a big deal. We had times I couldn't afford to buy her ice cream. Then I couldn't afford clothes unless it was on clearance after the season. I had to prioritize. I think it helped DD to grow up rather humble and not demanding. I still often feel guilty for not doing this or that for her. But she grew up just fine.