News on bm

13 years ago

Well it has been a while since we heard from bm. Then we get a call from bm's parents over the holiday weekend that they are in town and wanted to see if the kids are free. It was very unlike them to be so last minute, but we made it work and they were able to spend some time with the kids.

In talking to them dh found out that they drove out here to pick up bm and her young children and drive them back home with them. Seems bm called them crying a few days prior and saying she was ready to leave bf. They told her they would come get her as long as she was sure it was over, they did not want to waste their time on getting her to have her leave within a few weeks to go back to the loser. They also said that bf will not be allowed near their home. She agreed.

They get out here and try to contact her and she is not answering their calls or texts. They called the home she was staying in and the relatives said she was not there.

They say that she changed her mind and does not want to face them. It is her usual behavior to decide to leave bf and then change her mind and stop talking to everyone for a while they said.

I don't understand bm. She had the chance to leave AGAIN and decided to stay with an abusive piece of garbage! If she left him she would have a chance at a normal life and a chance to build a relationship with her children. Plus her young children are going to have some major problems growing up in that home!

Comments (4)

yabber
13 years ago
Hey, I was just wondering, when BM does see the kids (once in a blue moon), they don't stay overnight do they? Is her BF there when she sees the kids?

I didn't know he is abusive so just wondering how you guys deal with that. On top of everything else..:-(
finedreams
13 years ago
oh my how awful for the parents, she probably call after a fight, and then made up. how embarrassing. reminds of neighbors my grandma had, BF used to beat his GF black and blue, but when grandma called the police she refused to press charges and then the next day walked holding hands with him and be all lovey dovey with a black eye.

I wonder the same as yabber, if he abusive, kids should not go there even during the day. but come think of it they never go there anyways. awful
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No.....I didn't say they are close. I said they WERE close and that she loves her father and has a good time when she's here. Then I went into this long paragraph about when the break down started and what was happening. That was about age 10 so there were 10 years when they were very close. You're right, she doesn't return calls, e-mails or texts....now. When she lived here, we started seeing her less, but she still answered the phone and we were involved in her all-consuming extra-curricular activity. Now that she lives far away, she is "increasingly more involved in extra-curriculars". They, however, have not been the reasons she hasn't come. None of them are on weekends, as of yet. And I did not say she IS involved in too many extra activities. I said she was involved in 1 extra activity that was all-consuming. That's when the break down started between her & FDH; when BM put her in this one activity and then made her quit the one that FDH was helping with. We think we know the reason for the not returning phone calls, texts and e-mails. When she sees us or talks to us, she misses us. She wants to stay longer, but 1) doesn't have the nerve to ask her mom and 2) is always bribed by her mom and family with activities upon her return. It's hard for her to leave her dad. So, sometimes, it's easier to ignore the calls and emotional conversations than to wrestle with them every time he calls or every time she comes (which has only been 3 times, but that's a lot to a teenager). I understand that completely. I have told FDH that he needs to keep the mushy stuff out of the conversations because it's hard enough for her not to be with him. Does that make sense? She wanted to move, basically because BM was talking about how great it would be, but also because she's never really lived around extended family before. So that was all new and exciting. But she didn't want to leave her dad. It's hard for her to adjust when everyone is telling her who she should be loyal to. If FDH is all sappy on the phone, she feels guilty for loving her new life. If she misses her dad, she feels like she's betraying her mom and family. So it's easier to leave the old life behind and live in the new one.
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justmetoo
13 years ago
If I received a distress call from my daughter to come, I would not automatically assume that she'd changed her mind when I got there just because she was not available when I arrived.

In the OP here, that call came from a daughter living in an absuse situation and from a daughter who has tried to leave the situation multi times.

If I'm being told the daughter is now not at home even though she just called me to come get her; was not taking my calls or answering my texts, do I assume she changed her mind or do I consider the idea that the abuser...the one she wass trying to flee from...will not let her leave?

This BM is living with members of abusers family. How do I know DD's phone was not taken away and BF using threats did not make DD and kids get in car with him and not be there when her help arrived?

I would not have left town without seeing about my DD, even if I had to have the police do a 'welfare check'. In my state police can file charges on their own on a domestic abuse case, the wife/victim is not the one who has to do it for the police to make an arrest.

With all that said, I'm glad the kids got to see their grandparents this weekend, but I would not be too quick to encourage vistations with BM herself in the BF's home. When she calls next to see them I'd discuss vistations with some type of supervision/safety precautions in place.
mom2emall
Original Author
13 years ago
We know that bm's bf is emotionally abusive. When dh and I first got serious bm told him bf was becoming physical and asked for dh's help, but we wrote it off as her trying to get dh back. Dh did call bm's parents at the time and alert them to the situation. This was years ago.

The kids have never seen anything physical between bm and her bf, but have told us of mean things bf has said to bm. They also have seen bf get drunk and fight with his family members.

The kids do not sleepover there and bm barely sees them. When she has it was literally only a few hours and the kids had cell phones so they could call or text us if there was an emergency. In a way I think bm may actually be trying to protect them, which makes me think she is stupider for not leaving. If she knows her situation is too bad for her kids to be in why would she stay??

I agree that bm's parents should have gone to see bm for themselves or maybe called police. Maybe they did so after speaking to dh and before leaving town? But it is their problem to deal with, me and dh are out of it.

I found some shelters in the nearby area and thought about printing out the info and phone numbers a while back and bringing them to bm at her work (if she is still working there). But then I think I may be overstepping and she would not appreciate it anyways.

News on bm

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yabber

finedreams

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mom2emall
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News on bm

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yabber

finedreams

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justmetoo

mom2emallOriginal Author

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mom2emall
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