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Horrible event and warning

Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Wed, Jun 16, 10 at 21:16

Without going into details obviously protecting confidentiality, here is what happened: one of my students was sexually abused by her stepfather. He's been arrested yesterday and she is safe.

He was one of those very involved stepparents, always at parent teacher conferences, always wanting babysit her (when she was younger), always watching over her, always driving her places etc (he was married to her mother for 7 years). If you would meet him you would never think he could do anything like that, you'd think how much he loves his SD.

I don't want to and can't go into details what exactly happened and how it came out but I want to warn women with young daughters. And I want stepfathers to understand why women might be careful let their boyfriends/husbands be too close to their daughters. She'll have to live with this trauma her whole life.

Makes me glad I didn't bring strange men in my daughter's life when she was young.

Please be careful,ladies.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Horrible event and warning

I am so sorry, my prayers are with her.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

I have worried about this very thing so much with SD! I know your heart is breaking for this girl!


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RE: Horrible event and warning

Only 10% (approx) of all sexual abuse is perpetrated by strangers.

The rest is by Uncles (Aunts), Grandfathers (Grandmothers), Brothers (Sisters), Fathers (Mothers), Neighbors, Babysitters.... oh, and Stepparents.

I don't want to diminish the horror that happened to the little girl in the story above. But I think most mothers ALREADY are more cautious with their new spouses and are on the alert, much more so than the happily married bio parents are about good old Uncle Chuck. And especially more so than the average divorced dad and new stepmother. People don't assume women will be abusive, but there are women out there who abuse children and mistreat them and often they can hide the abuse from the father more easily than the situation in reverse.

"Strange men" account for a very small percentage in sexual abuse cases. Ladies, watch the men you know.


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silvers

I regret I posted it.

"strange men" are men that women think they know.

Sigh... silverswood, women could also be abusive and not every sexual abuse is committed by a stepparent. Duh. If i say dogs could bite, must you add that cats do too? I mean really now!

If you want to start a thread about sexual abuse committed by women or issue your own warnings to women or talk about abuse committed by other family members, please do so. Your desire to be argumentative and proving your point even when it is uncalled for explains difficulties you have in real life relationships.

This is not a debate thread. Every time someone says anything about men or stepparents, you must talk about that women could be terrible too, i mean seriously now. Of course they could be. But that's not what I am talking about. I was talking about rape.

You want to talk about women raping small boys, please do so, in a separate thread. I didn't start this thread to invite people for debate who commits more abuses, this is not a debate thread if it was not obvious to you.

I regret I posted it now. I had to predict this.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

FD I was agreeing with you.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

"I don't want to diminish the horror that happened to the little girl in the story above. But I think most mothers ALREADY are more cautious with their new spouses and are on the alert, much more so than the happily married bio parents are about good old Uncle Chuck. And especially more so than the average divorced dad and new stepmother. People don't assume women will be abusive, but there are women out there who abuse children and mistreat them and often they can hide the abuse from the father more easily than the situation in reverse."

ALL OF THIS WAS UNCALLED FOR AND UNNECESSARY. Your own warnings to married couples watch for uncles or about abusive women or your assumption that single women are already more careful than married couples. There was no need for this. Could wait for other occasion or start your own thread, yes you diminished the tragedy by bringing irrelevant debates into this. Please don't say another word about this.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

I'm glad you posted it;

this kind of thing *sometimes* & to some extent happens because we women enable it;
we let it happen because we insist on thinking it can't happen;
we think we know the guy,
we make excuses,
we think children make accusations because they're jealous or because they want to play mind games or because they want to exercise power.

*we get so brainwashed & bedazzled by some man that we can't see what's right in front of us.*

Experts advise not only that you pay serious attention to anything your children say but also that you keep your antenna up for subtle personality changes, dropping grades, loss of appetite, shyness, increase in modesty, less communication with mom, etc.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

FD, if you didn't want anyone to post their opinions you shouldn't have posted it on a public forum.

If you want to start a thread on your perception that I have difficulties IRL relationships you should probably do that rather than attacking me here.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

"Experts advise not only that you pay serious attention to anything your children say but also that you keep your antenna up for subtle personality changes, dropping grades, loss of appetite, shyness, increase in modesty, less communication with mom, etc."

you are so correct, sylvia, and it is so easy to miss the signs, isn't? In a poor girl's case when people said how great her stepdad is, she always added "oh you don't know him". Well now people know what she meant. It seems hard to believe that mother had no clue but it is so easy to miss the signs. We did not see anything.

Years ago, like 20 years ago, i contacted social services suspecting sexual abuse, they didn't find anything suspicious, and girl denied everything. Then few months later she ran to the police after a rape. And yes her dad raped her, and molested her for years prior to that and it turned out the mother knew. That girl went to orphanage, I remember visiting her there. She had grandparents, but they refused to take her. I remember she asked me if I can take her. I was in no position to take a teenager girl then. I felt guilty for a long time.

I can write a book full of similar horror stories. So much pain.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

Poor girl. I hope she is as OK as she can be.

I would like to remind people to watch out for their boys too. I think sometimes people tend to be more conscious of the risk of predators with their little girls. I don't think it's usually the overtly gay men who are after little boys, so I think unfortunately a lot of times parents may not quickly associate the signs of trouble with their son with the fact that it seems to happen a lot when an apparently heterosexual man is around.

I hope I didn't offend anyone because that was not my intention at all.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

I'm just waiting to see if FD is going to come down on you and suggest that you start your own thread about little boys... but I don't think that's going to happen.

I agree Mattie. I think that one of the biggest detriments to "outing" pedophilia is that people's perception of it is that it is primarily an issue with little girls and strange men. For some reason there is more shame/disgust/cover-up when it comes to little boys and is not talked about. Kind of like battered men... no one really wants to admit that happens either.

Abuse is horrific and the effects are forever. Be vigilant and protective of those who cannot look out for themselves.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

you are so right, mattie. I had a student who was sexually molested by his own grandfather and on top of everything poor boy is autistic (and not in a mild form) so I guess grandpa hoped he wouldn't tell and grandpa would never get caught. Well he got caught. Awful.

My DD had a teacher at high school who was in his mid 50s, married, with two daughters. He was soliciting sex with minor boys, got caught, is in prison now. He was this old fashioned looking guy, always wearing a suit and tie, and on the day he got arrested (Friday night as he arrived on a date with a 13-year-old) earlier in a day he was scolding students for not doing their homework. When we were watching local news and they showed him, DD couldn't get over the fact that he scolded them that same day when he already had a date with a minor planned! Sick!

I can write a book full of these stories. What a sad world...


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We have a very high rate of death in babies and toddlers in our area, seems like once a month. It is always the boy friend, he always goes to prison, the mother is usually charged also. You would think seeing this in the paper and on TV so often they would know they are going to get caught. There had to be warnings signs, but some women will put up with anything to have a man.


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"but some women will put up with anything to have a man."

oh vala55, you couldn't be more right


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RE: Horrible event and warning

Ditto what Mattie said about watching out for boys, too.

My friend's little boy was targeted and molested at our local community pool two years ago. This is a very safe, suburban community--very little violence, lots of SAHMs, middle-class families, etc. But it drives home the point that NOWHERE is completely safe and you just cannot let your guard down.

Her son was seven at the time, hanging at the pool complex with his mom (my friend) and his younger sister. Mom and sis were in the baby pool area and the little boy was running around with his school-friends. The complex is well-contained, and kids typically, once they are swim-safe, run around with their friends. MY two kids (8 now) are free to go off and do the Lazy River, or the two big slides; DH & I set up camp at the Family Pool where we can watch them go by on the River, or see them coming down the slide. Our only FIRM rule is that they MUST check in with us if they are switching to a different area; we have to know where they are at all times.

They are also NOT allowed to go to the diving board pool without us. And most importantly, they are not allowed to use the bathrooms without us.

Anyway, my friend's little boy was at the concession stand getting candy when an older teenage boy approached him and said "I know your mom, she asked me to take you to the bathroom."

UGHHHHH. The little boy went with him and in the bathroom, the teen pulled his own pants down and pulled out his...you know....he asked my friend's little boy to touch it.

THANK GOD, my friend's little boy went running out of the bathroom. But the crazy thing is---he was so scared/shaken that he didn't tell his mom what happened until two days later! He was not sleeping and crying and his parents knew something was really bothering him and he finally said what had happened. His reason for not telling: he thought the guy would come kill him. :(

His parents took him straight to the police and he did a sketch and all, but the guy (white male in late teens/early twenties) was never caught.

Scary. You really have to be aware all the time AND teach your children to be aware. I always tell SS and DD that I will NEVER send someone to get them that they don't know! EVER.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

FD,

What a terrible story. You and Silver are both right, abuse can come from strange adults, male and female as well as trusted adults like family members. DS7 has a DVD called The Safe Side about this that really lays out that a lot of abuse comes from people the child "sort of knows" like a parent's friend or co-worker, a teacher or coach, or a stranger he or she sees frequently like gardeners, neighbors, people at church and so on. Recently, an acquaintance of mine did some handywork at our house. One day while I wasn't paying close attention, he invited my son out to his truck to look at the tools and machines. Nothing happened because as soon as I noticed I went out to get DS7 but I did not like that at all. This man was a "sort of know" guy. I don't know or really even think that he was dangerous but I took no chances. After that I never let DS7 be alone with him for even a minute.

It is so scary that I've become uncomfortable leaving my son with adult males that I know well! I don't like feeling that way but so much of this is on the male side. I hate sending DS7 to the men's room in public places since I can't go with him, I still drag him along with me to the ladies's room when I can even though he is really getting too old for it.

I agree about being vigilant about the men you are around, it's a sad but true fact of our lives. And that includes teens.


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RE: Horrible event and warning

Such a tragic thing to happen to a child, although thank goodness she's safe now! It is so troubling that there are so many people in this world that have the capacity to harm innocent children.

This is something my fiance and I worry about all the time with his DD7 and BM's BF. We don't really know him and SD is the type that doesn't want to say anything that might hurt someone's feelings or cause her to be in trouble. He has "the talk" with her about once a year but when you're not there to protect them personally it can be a scary thing!


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RE: Horrible event and warning

You can check him, at least superficially, on peoplefinder.com or maybe it's peoplefinders with an s, for about $10 if I remember right, & you can check your state's sex offender list online, too.


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