Stepfamily Crisis

14 years ago

My fiance and I are doing a destination wedding and then a small recpeption when we get home. His mom remarried 2 yrs ago and has 4 stepchildren. We don't know them at all. She never properly introduced them to us. I just recently learned all their names! We see them about twice a year for about 4hrs. There are so many kids running around that we never get a chance to talk to anyone. We decided back in Nov. since we are paying for everything that we would not invite them to our wedding. We would rather leave the select number people allowed to close family and friends. We are on a very tight budget. We discussed this with his mom and she didn't seem upset with the decision.

Well, I found one of my future MIL friends on a social networking site and she asked if any of the stepfamily were going to our destination wedding or reception. I told her no and that we don't know them well and decided not to invite them. She responded by basically telling me how horrible that was and how it's going to cause major issues. She went on to tell me that I was embarrising myself by snubbing my future MIL. (Keep in mind my fiance's mother decided to visit this woman at Christmas time instead of being with her blood family, but managed to celebrate before she left with her stepfamily.)

This was soley my fiance's decision and I am only supporting him. If his mother had offered to help fianically or make an effort to get us all to know each other things may have been different. She hasn't mentioned this issue to us and I don't feel other people have a right to belittle us for our decison. I am very angry and upset by this (can you tell?)

Comments (13)

kkny
14 years ago
Some people are just butinskys -- everyone has different types of step relationships, and judging from the age at which the new kids came into the family -- this deosnt seem strange to me. Also, many people have small destination weddings.
destinationwedding
Original Author
14 years ago
I should clarify the stepchildren are adults and they have kids.
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Comments (26)
"I'm sorry for your situation, but most of the step parents here are here to make things better, not figure out how to get rid of a step child." Ima, I agree that *most* are. Everyone on here is an individual. Some posts from SP's have struck me as far more resentment-filled than others. Everyone has tehir own problems, and their own proposed solutions to those problems, and their own blockages as terms of what they can or can't see to get perspective on. When I offer a critical response to some facet of step-parental decision-making, it's not meant to be applied to every step-parent on this forum. I don't lump you all together. Yes, there are soemtimes certan tendecies, based on issues that tend to be classically divisive... but on these boards I see a wide variety of reactions and strategies, some of which I agree with more than others. And Cawfe, I agree that people should always try to move beyond pain and "let things go". Which is what I am trying to do with my SM, but she makes it extremely difficult. (I never posted a follow-up about my recent visit, but I will later... in a nutshell, I did everything under the sun to try and offer her olive branches, conversation, open-ness... all being met with huffiness and nasty comments. And no acknowledgement one way or the other of my "congratulations on your wedding" card and the personal, lengthy message I wrote inside it, or my offer of celebratory dinner. It takes two to make peace.) I struggle with trying to "move forward" with her every single day. I, like many of us on here, try to keep my expressions of my anger in this situation confined to venting: to friends, on this board, etc.... It's very hard to just make all the pain & anger go away, in the face of my dad dying (but, paradoxically, this is the very reason I am doing my best to do just that!) and all the emotions that is stirring up, and my SM's many continued attempts to push me out of my dad's life, ESPECIALLY now. Again, I want to repeat: I am aware of my biases, and aware that many of the SP's on here (and probably most SP's in general) are decent caring people who genuinely want things to improve. I have made a point of saying as much to various SP's on here whom, it's clear to me, are doing positive caring things. I am also aware of how difficult it can be to fight an "evil stepmother" stereotype. My intention is not to make any blanket condemnations of any specific people on this board. I do tend to point out the "worst case scenario" that *could* result from a certain trajectory of thinking... or the way so-and-so could be *interpreted* by sensitive SK's such as me. Some actions are thoughtless, whether on the part of SK's, BM's, DH's, SP'.... doesn't necessarily always mean the *whole person* is awful, or that they always make the wrong choice, or that they mean to. There are some SP's who resent the kids and wish them away, and sometimes they are ambivalent about this and sometimes they have no conscience about it whatsoever. Likewise, there are some SK's who deliberately exploit their parents' feelings of guilt and/or have no sense of independent responsibility, sometimes, again, without a conscience, sometimes torn b/c they, too, feel guilty. My point is that I truly don't think that as a group, SP's are ANY WORSE than anyone else, just b/c they're SP's. I admit to having had experiences that incline me to hyper-vigilance toward certain tendencies, which I point out here. I simply haven't had the experiences of being the SM and, say, saddled with excessive responsibilities the DH won't help with, or besieged by a drug-addled BM or a kid who refuses to say Word One to me. I read your experiences, and as I said, feel genuinely sorry for you undergoing many of these things. Many of those things TRULY SUCK, but soem suck more than others. Other things are just par for the course having kids in your life. I have my own opinions about what is or isn't a major deal to complain about, but those are my opinions. When I minimize something as trivial that you complain about, my true intent is to try and put it in perspective so you see the bigger picture and so you're less upset about it. Sometimes, yes, it gets frustrating to hear what sound *to me* like some of the more minor complaints, and that's when I get sarcastic. I apologize if this offends... I can only hope, though, that you take from it a perspective of what it might feel like to the SK... if for no other reason than to get an inside view on it and hopefully pre-empt a painful conflict in your own situation. I'm not here to attack. Emotional as it can get on here (and sometimes, for all of us, it can hit below the belt), I still think it's informative and enlightening for all of us. Think of all the folks that literally have NO CLUE what the other "side" is thinking...
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Comments (17)
Of course you don’t discipline the child and there’s nothing wrong with participating in major holidays. But I would take a step back from the household duties and party planning. Dad can do his kid’s laundry and cook dinner once in a while. Also, let him handle the party planning for the birthdays. Sorry, but you sound like a cook and maid - do you work? Don’t feel that your taking a step back means you don’t care. What Kroopy and others are trying to warn you against is doing too much. It sounds like you do A LOT and while right now you say you’re okay with that, are you still going to be okay with doing ALL the household chores while dear ole SO sits and watches TV? Think about it, if you weren’t there, he’d have to do it all by himself. What would he do then? Right now you might not see anything wrong with the way things are, but doing all the work around the house, becoming maid, cook and chaffuer for a kid that isn’t even yours is going to get old after a while. You’ll start to feel unappreciated and resentment will start to set in. Remember, if you and SO were to break up, you’d have no legal rights to this child. All this time, energy and emotion you’ve invested in this child can be taken away at any time. So many times I’ve read on forums like these of women who put their heart and soul into caring for their step children, only to have it blow up in their faces. If the two adults break up, the SM has no rights to seeing that child anymore. Or one day the child starts to hate you for the simple fact that you are not his mother even though you've been caring for him for years like a mother. You think he'd never do that, but I've read of it happening. That is what folks are trying to warn you about. I would just let SO know that you feel that you are taking over too much of the parenting duties and you’re going to “let” SO do the lion’s share of the parenting. Say that you are doing this BEFORE resentment starts to build. It’s not that you don’t love SO and care for his child, but you realize that you are doing too much and dad needs to step up and be a dad to his son. Stress that it’s about dad being a dad to his son, not that you don’t want to do anything for his son. And remind him that if you weren’t there, he’d have to do it all on his own anyway. He’d have to figure out a way to pick his son up if you weren’t in the picture. He’d have to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry himself. Of course, you don't have to go cold turkey, but I'd definately find ways to step back a little.
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This. Just. Sucks.
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Comments (15)
Thanks, guys, I just needed a little talking down from my virtual ledge. Believe it or not, I think one day at a time was something I needed to hear. Sounds obvious, doesnt it, but I have not been doing it. Ive running all the what-ifs through my mind and projecting out all the possible outcomes when you are right; right now we both just need to get through today, and then tomorrow. I know hes really scared. Nikemama, I know everyone is different, but if you dont mind my asking, do you think its a good idea to let him see how scared *I* am, or try to focus more on positives? On the one hand, I know hes scared and struggling and dont want to feed into his fear with my own and possibly make it worse when I am supposed to be the support right now, but I also dont want to sound dismissive of what hes going through or like Im not taking it serious enough. KWIM? His drs office did put him in touch with a guy that leads a support group, so thats good. Hes actually the one that talked him down from his initial freak-out (guess they have some experience with this, huh), hopefully BF will continue to stay in contact or join the group if he needs. Dotz, about my mom, personally I think you are correct. She has had cardiac rhythm issues in the past, I am sure that is whats going on. She had an electrophysiology(?) study to look for arrhythmias (more invasive but supposedly better than a Holter at diagnosing) and depending on what they found, they could have either zapped damaged heart tissue (mom was kinda freaked out by this possibility), put in a pacemaker, or something else. But supposedly thery found nothing wrong with her heart. I dont believe it. Theyve also looked at seizures and I think sleep disorders. It is worrisome and sending some good wishes right back to you and hubby it is hard, isnt it, watching this happen to someone you love?
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not exactly stepfamily issue, but YAY
Q
Comments (3)
thanks. I really am so happy about this. The schedule thing really is difficult. We were doing ok with it until basically all his kids lives imploded within a month or two of each other, and life + schedule just sort of put us on hold. I've had a hard time figuring out exactly how to handle it, or how patient I should be. If it were brand new relationship, it almost certainly would have ended, simply no way to get to know each other with no time together. On the other extreme, if we were married or had made long-term commitment, there would be no question, you are as patient as you need to be, you just deal with what life gives you. But we were at that intermediate stage, been dating about a year, knew we wanted to pursue something serious but weren't quite there with the life commitment yet. Things have been a lot better the last couple months since his life has been getting more back to normal, i've been feeling like I can maybe see some light at the end of the tunnel, but this just feels like we went around a corner and there's the tunnel exit and broad daylight right in front of me. So however things work out, I am just feeling the stress of "how patient should I be? or is this just how it will always be?" float away. And, maybe actually lie on the couch watch a movie together once without him falling asleep 10 minutes into it... such a little thing but damn it would be nice.
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organic_maria
14 years ago
WAY TOO EXPENSIVE!! to invite everyone from what i see. Doesn't matter whether its step or not...destination weddings are restricted by direct reason...Finance! and space. You cannot invite all.
My own wedding was destination as well. I didn't invite many people from my family...myown blood..my aunt was pist!!! But sorry, i just couldn't afford to take them all. I took my 2 stepkids, they were part of my wedding and i took one person fromeach family to represent them all.
How about offering one spot to represent them all for your wedding?? Since cash is tight and you want the number limited.That is how i delt with it and even though some people still got their feathers roughed...at least you tried to accomodate.
But in the end, its your call, your wedding and you can't please all.
liesbeth
14 years ago
Excuse my ignorance; what is a destination wedding?
organic_maria
14 years ago
A wedding planned out of hometown. Like an island resort...or europe..or whereever..but not in the tradition of hometown around all relatives and in the town church...
My neice is getting married in cuba this summer...i cant go..can't afford it.
thermometer
14 years ago
I am confused. You said the friend "asked if any of the stepfamily were going to our destination wedding or reception" and then she accused you of snubbing your FMIL.

We cannot know the entire conversation, so perhaps there is more to it. Are you saying you and fiance did not invite his mother (and her husband)? Or are you saying you did not invite her stepchildren? Because if she (and hubby) are invited, then how is she being snubbed? No one can expect every person in your life and every person in their lives can be invited. Don't let this woman upset you. This will not be the last stupid complaint that you hear, so you can't let it all get to you. But please do clarify for me that his mother is invited to the wedding.
imamommy
14 years ago
I'm also confused... is the bride & groom responsible for travel costs for guests to a destination wedding? When DH & I got married, we invited all family members & several came from out of state. We did not pay their expenses, should we have? That would have broke us!

If the MIL was not invited, she will probably feel snubbed. If I was not invited to my son's wedding because it's too expensive... but other friends and relatives are invited, it's not a good way to start a marriage. And even if the friend is a buttinsky, she is a close enough friend that his mother spent her holiday with her and if she butts in further telling his mother how horrible you are, it isn't going to make family relations better, that's for sure.

I don't quite understand the difference between destination wedding and eloping.... sounds the same to me. You go off and get married without inviting all your family & friends. It's the SAME thing, isn't it?
finedreams
14 years ago
I understood that MIL is invited, it is just that her 4 stepchildren (who are very recently joined the family and no one even knows them) aren't invited. Why do they have to invited?

imaommy I disagree here.

Destination weddings are often smaller than traditional ones but still immidiate families and close friends are invited, it is not elloping. But I do not believe anyone requires inviting everyone. weddings are expensive and bride and groom have rigts not to invite everyone. of course mom, dad, siblings etc must be invited. but everyone? MIL's adult stepchildren whom no one knows? Plenty of people have small intimate weddings that aren't destination but still only close family and friends are invited. wiht economy nowadays who can blame anyone for smaller weddings (especially if parents don't even help).
kkny
14 years ago
Ima, destination you do tell everyone first, eloping I assume you dont. I think most people do not pay guests expense to attend destination wedding, which is why this is a little different. I dont know if it is too late, my guess is if OP sent inviations to MIL with FDH making it clear that he wasnt paying, she wouldnt come -- and my guess is that is kinda what played out between FDH and MIL. It also seems like MIL isnt really into establsihing family ties with the FDH and his new bride.
destinationwedding
Original Author
14 years ago
Let me clarify. Of course his mother and stepfather are invited to the wedding. We aren't inviting the stepchildren. We sent out save-the-date cards for the destination wedding and the small reception back home. So, everyone is invited to both. We aren't paying for everyone's trip, but we are paying for the reception at home. So we gave everyone the option of going. If they can't afford it we understand, but would love to see them at our reception at home. Basically close family will be at our destination wedding, which I expected. We just feel we don't know the stepchildren well enough to pay for 4 extra people plus spouses at the reception at home! That's a whole table! We are trying to keep costs down. That's why we are doing the destination wedding and small reception at home. I hope that clarifies some questions. Thanks for all your input.
finedreams
14 years ago
My SO's DD27 has detsination wedding this summer, everyone pays their own transportation and staying at the resort (everyone who can afford it of course) but actual reception and rehearsal dinner is paid by bride and groom but guests don't pay for that.

Reception is expensive. Now those guests who didn't RSVP on time, will end paying for their own reception dinner because DD had to submit final number by a certain day.

By the way DD wanted a small wedding but now when no one can come (can't afford flying and staying there) she is upset people bail out. Hmmm. what did she think? Groom's family attends because most live there or have a place to stay there. But her family simply cannot afford it and some even lost jobs or are in fear of losing.
finedreams
14 years ago
you absolutelly don't need to invite MIL's 4 stepchildren to your wedding or reception. relax. 4+4=8 extra people, forget it. what if she had 10 stepchildren? relax.
kkny
14 years ago
Destin, you've done fine. It may be that MIL has made her choices and doesnt want to tell her "friend" she can not afford trip.

Stepfamily Crisis

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Stepfamily Crisis

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