Children can smell nervousness like a dog can smell fear. Try not to be nervous. ;) Ask them leading questions. Don't compliment them falsly. Don't talk down to them. Don't touch them too much or try to hold hands or anything. Like animals, let them make the first move. Don't touch your BF too much. Don't sit next to one another, break it up a bit so that it's not seen as you are taking dad's attention. Pretend they are nieces and nephews that you don't see often. Be the cool aunt type. Make sure you know their names, how old they are, what they are interested in. Hopefully you will have something in common. Ask your BF if there is something you can suggest they do (eat dessert at an icecream shop after dinner?) that they would enjoy to make you look like a good, fun person. I do that with DH all the time. If I plan something "fun" I let him be the one to suggest it so he gets the "credit" with my DD.

Spoken from a kid with a father who had a LOT of girlfriends, a couple he almost married and one he did. Don't try too hard. Most kids want to like the adults in their parents life and want those people to like them too. It may not happen right away, but being yourself, not coming on too strong and being consistant and fun will bring them around in the end.

good advice silvers. I would emphasize do not touch your BF. i mean of course you will later but if they don't you want you around and don't know you yet being lovey dovey with dad will rub them the wrong way. be fun and simple and relaxed. do not act like dad's lover, act like a fun person who is out to dinner with a friends and his kids.

I think what FD said bears repeating...

"...do not act like dad's lover, act like a fun person who is out to dinner with a friends and his kids."

Thanks for all the advise. Here is how dinner went.

My BF let the kids decide where they wanted to go for dinner. Hideaway Pizza was the spot. Great we all love that place and its on campus corner so it alot of fun. The problem was that my BF did not tell the kids that I would be going to dinner with them. they found out when I drove up while they were outside playing basketball. I was not aware that they did not know. So I was friendly tried to talk to them and NOTHING. They were mad and mean to thier dad through dinner. The councilor told him to give them warning because that was a problem thay had expressed to her about all of us doing things together. The oldest (13yo) spent the whole time texing and calling her mom because she was so freaked out. she gave me dirty looks and lots of attitude. All because my BF did not want to hear them complain about going to dinner with me. MEN!!

So, later on they started to talk to me. A close friend of mine is a teacher at thier school so they ask how I knew her. That is when we actually started to have a good time. we went to get ice cream, talked about the dogs. the girls really want a Yorkie and I do too. So we discussed the dog. Not that they will get one anytime soon because together we have 4 dogs. During all this I still did not know that they had no idea I would be there. I thought they were just being mean brats before and were just warming up a lil.

Later after I left I called my BF to check on the kids to see if they were upset or griped him out once I left. well they did gripe him out then he told me why. Because he did not tell them. I was so PISSED at him. Thats why they acted as they did. Then it all made perfect since to me. I told him that i demand that they are told ahead of time becuse that makes them more comfortable and we will all have a better time instead of the first 2hrs them being angry and texting/calling their mom because they are freaked out.

Do any of you think that they should be told they are meeting with dads GF for dinner, ect?

What a set-up. Of course they should have been told. And they should not have been permitted to text mom constantly either. Once this ball of yarn falls off the truck it's virtually impossible to get it rolled up again.

I'm sorry. Your BF really needs to communicate better or everyone will be hurt. You did the best thing possible. Find a neutral topic, and start talking! Sounds like you did fine. Just really make it clear to BF how damaging his lack of communication can be to his relationship with them, yours, and the one between you two too. And, if you are planning to marry sometime... you really don't want bio-mom to have a big history of kids angry right off the bat (give it time !) We moms have a hard time forgetting when our kids are wronged, even if it's not your fault.

Hi Jess, Oh sure, they should have been told you were coming to dinner, not blindsided like that ..Better way for dad to handle it would have been, Hi Kids, it dad, I m seeing this really nice girl, Jess..Next call, Jess and I went to the movies...Next call, Hey, Jess and I are planning a trip to the zoo this weekend, we d love for you to come with us....I ll call you tommorow and see if you can go, if you dont have plans...Let them get use to and process the idea that Dad is seeing someone...Still time for him to handle it tho..They know now that he s seeing you, let them get used to the idea and then throw a few plan ideas out there to see if they want to get together with you two...Good luck

I wouldn't want my dad's GF to jump out of a cake in the middle of dinner either. BF should have told them and let them wrap their minds around the idea of it all.

We were going away for the weekend. I told DH that because we were going to my dad's grave that I wanted it to be JUST FAMILY. We were making the trip for a kids fishing trip and taking all the kids but Daddy is buried in the same town and if I had a bad time at the graveside I didn't want to scar someone elses kids.

We are getting ready to go get the SKids and SD decides she don't want to go. SS wants his Cousin to go in her place. THIS IS HIS EX WIFES NEPHEW!! DH says it is okay. HE KNEW I wanted only our kids. Last year when we went we had this boy the next weekend and had told him all about it. He wanted to go SS wanted him to go. I was beside myself mad. All Friday night I cried and cried. SS wouldn't speak to me I wasn't speaking to him. Finally I decided I would skip seeing Daddy. This kid is a great kid, Sat morning we all got up took the trip. It was wonderful. We did go see daddy grave. I was upset because the marker still hasn't been installed. We made it home late and in the end I felt bad that I didn't trust DH in the first place but not having time before we went to pick them up to wrap my head around it made for a TERRIBLE night. I did make it up to the kids for acting that way but it was hard on me. Not planning ahead makes a bad thing worst.

They should of been tolde no doubt.

However, don't be surprised if they are still not overly friendly when BF gives them a heads up. They may say they don't want to go if you are going to be present or they may still text BM the whole time and act pissy.

Theres more to the behavior than not being notified. They are going to need time to adjust and get to know you.

Oh wow, yeah they should've been told lol. Can you imagine if that was you? Or say, you were going to dinner with his mother and he didn't tell his mother you were coming? A grown woman might have a hard time handling an unexpected guest showing up, let alone two emotional teens lol.

If this is an indication of Dad's maturity and parenting, I would keep some eyes open here. A lot of how well you will blend is mostly on how well Dad handles all of this. And it has to be HIM, not YOU. It is on him to facilitate you into their lives and do it with basic courtesy.

Why did dad have to warn the kids about OP being there if she lives there?

OK. Look at previous posts. In April jess3 described how SD is not allowed in "their" bedroom because she stole her earings, and how dad didn't punish her etc, so SKs know her (she lived wiht dad for over a year) just don't want her around because she was TOW.

Now in June it turns out they still do not know her and she doesn't live with dad, she came with the visit for dinner and then left after dinner and called her BF on the phone. None of that makes any sense. They saw her 3 times? How did they manage steal the earings?

If they live together why they had to be warned that she is coming over? If she in fact lives there??? If she lives there, her stuff must be there? And SD isn't allowed in their bedroom and even stole her earings.

Nothing adds up here.

Findreams: If you will read more of the pevious posts you will see that I kept my house that my brother lives in so that when BF has his kids I can go to my house. We do live together and my stuff stays at the hpuse eecept the thing I take for the wkend. Yes, SD stole my earings thats why none of them are allowed in our room. they know that I live there but they also know that I leave before they get there for the wkend for a couple reasons. 1) The divorce clearly states that no love interest of the same or oppisite sex is to stay the night while the children are present unless they are married. 2) The children and i are just now getting to know each other none of us are ready for that. Thats why we are not married yet. We want to give all of us more time to adjust to the situation.

Does that add up for you?

So were you the other woman? And you expect 13SD to get along with you?

KKNY: Yes I was TOW. That is a fact that i can't deny. I dont expect her to get along with me at all. I am trying to slowly build a relationship with my BF's kids. We plan to get married. When, depends on how his kids and I can build some sort of relationship. It could take years, I realize that. I expect nothing from any of them. She is angry with her dad and me. I totaly understand that.

If you read my post again it was not about the kids behavior it was my Bf not telling them that I was going to dinner with them. I think that was wrong on his part. He should give them a warning since it is a very awkward situation. I would not want him to just show up to diner that we had planned with his kids (or anybody else for that matter) and me not be aware they were coming.We have taken this GF meeting with kids thing very very slow.

I know that your husband cheated on you and I can see where that would be a sore spot. I am sure I or any other woman would feel the same way.

I didn't recognize the name initially, and thought Silver's first response was perfect. But then Jess' bit about the kids talking to the counselor to prepare them for meeting her sent my 'sniffers' up... Here are the previous threads for anyone who wants back story --

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg0317570031887.html
http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/step/msg0416054322299.html

Now Jess3 -- Your guy set you up to fail. I'm not saying he did it on purpose, but he surely did it. There's NO WAY his kids were going to be happy about your going with them to dinner (and no doubt that he knew this), and rather than prepare them and help you, he took the coward's way out and said nothing, leaving you and his children to bear the brunt of it. He selfishly took the coward's way out and chose to make them and you miserable for a few hours to save himself a few minutes of discomfort.

Now go back a few years to when he and his Ex were still married, and their marriage wasn't working for him. Rather than confront her with his feelings and try to improve their marriage, he took the coward's way out and started a new relationship with another woman. He selfishly took the coward's way out and chose to betray his family and make his wife and children miserable for years to meet his own needs for intimacy and save himself a few hours of discomfort.

Now back to more recent history after his daughter took your earrings. He had a nice gentle little talk with her, but then he took the coward's way out and didn't punish her for stealing them. He selfishly took the coward's way out and let things slide rather than putting up with her sulking or pouting for a few hours.

I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to see a pattern here, and it isn't a pretty one.
This guy may be good-looking, sexy and funny, but he doesn't seem to have much in the way of character, and that, to me, is the kiss of death.

Save yourself a life of misery and cut your losses.
You can do better than this guy.

And for what it's worth, I feel confident predicting that his kids will hate you forever because whenever there's a 'tough choice' like the ones above, your guy will put his own comfort way ahead of yours, or theirs.

Jess, you say "She is angry with her dad and me. I totaly understand that. " I dont think you have a clue. YOU get upset about missing makeup. SHE had her family life turned upside down. I think the kids will hate you -- I disagree with Sweeby -- you two deserve each other.

"I dont think you have a clue. *YOU get upset about makeup."

Really? I believe it was a pair of diamond & emerald earings. If your going to talk down to someone KK maybe you should have your facts straight. KK why are you here again?
I have seen this questions to you on several post but there is never a reply. Are you in a step family or going to be? Whats your story?

Sweeby: I see what your saying. It does seem that he takes the easy way out of things. Thanks for spelling it out for me. I just see the best in him, never his faults. I will think on this a bit tho.

Jess -- I have a daughter whose world was turned upside down when her dad left us. I dont care if the personal possession was the Hope Diamond, if you think any material itme is more important than a family life, you do not understand children and you never will.

You have made your bed -- if it is uncomfortable, it was your doing. Not the child's.

I read something the other day that really stuck with me --
that women sometimes "fall in love with a mirage"

That just rang so true, because I know I did that the first time around. Then, once I was able to see through the mirage to the 'real man' underneath -- poof! I couldn't get out fast enough.

Take a good look at the man's true character --
see below the surface.

"I just see the best in him, never his faults."

Get married. That'll change real quick.

I have to agree with Sweeby. Your man is a coward. He will gladly throw you under the bus before he'd lay his jacket over a puddle so you won't step in it.

Your post left a lot out. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but I would have said things differently if you said you were TOW.

NEVER, EVER get involved with a married man - ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved. It won't end in happiness for you. KKNY said it. You made your bed while someone else was sleeping in it. Now it's lumpy and crowded and smells like feet.

KK- I am sorry that you and your DD had to go thru that.
I dont recall ever stating that personall possessions were more important than family life. Stealing is not something that you just overlook because her dad had an affair and filed for divorce. It takes both to make a marriage work and to make it fail. They tried to make it last, they made it 18yrs. She had her own affairs with women might I add. They both were wrong. Yes we should have waited for the papers to be filed.

I have read other post where the SM was not TOW and they still have issues with the Skids. I think you have a problem with SM's becuse of your situation no matter how they entered into the relationship. "MOST BM's are CRAZY" after the split and the kids feed off of that. If the ex cant get over it how is the child going to ever make peace with the situation. My BF's ex is doing alot better now that she has a love intrest but she keeps it from the kids.

I am sure his kids will always hate me. I can only try to be to them what they let me be. I do not want to be there mother or disiplinary. I expect the worse and hope for the best.

Yes, some SMs may have issues with the kids -- but you put yourself in an uncomfortable position. I dont think most moms are crazy, and I dont think a woman needs a man to make her life good.

You might not have said personal possessions more important, but you put a lot of emphasize on it --

Jess..."I have read other post where the SM was not TOW and they still have issues with the Skids."

Yes. But they are different issues. You were posting about your nervousness, that they don't want to be around you, they are not comfortable around you... etc.

"when it come to these kids I get so nervous... They really dont want me around and I have respected that...Any advise on how to make them a lil more comfortable being around me...I want to get to know them just not sure how to go about it."

OK. My perspective as a SK. My parents split up and there were no other people involved. They broke up so long ago I can't even remember them being together. So, no real issues of "broken family" there. And, I still felt VERY loyal to my mother, defensive about her and protective of her where any of his girlfriends were concerned. This from a child without half the "divorce baggage" the poor children of your BF must be saddled with.

1. you are nervous. Well, you should be. It's healthy, and I think it's the body's response to ensure you are hyper-aware of your situation so you are extra careful not to make mistakes. Are you nervous because they don't like you? I wouldn't like you either if I were them. See, children have something built-in to keep themselves safe. They are extra protective of their parents because they are the providers. If a parent is hurt, it makes the child's ground unsteady, which is scary. Warranted or not, they usually will be a parent's strongest advocate.

2. They really don't want you around and you respect that. Well, how do you feel about hanging out with your BFF who took up with your boyfriend after you two started having issues? Betcha you aren't BFF's anymore. Do the kids know they're your "Future SK's?

3. You want to make them comfortable around you. That'll probably never happen. In their eyes you are a thief. You stole their dad from their mom and from their home. No wonder the girl stole from you. It was her way to equalize the power. It's rational, in an unhealthy relationship. She stole from me, I can steal from her. Or that "she deserves it". You set up the dynamic.

Silversword:

Of course i am nervous because of how they fell about me. I dont expect that they ever will have good feelings towards me. They will probably never know the real me beacuse of our affair. That is what we chose and now we have to deal with the consequences. And sadly so do they.

"Do the kids know they're your "Future SK's?" Yes he has told then that we plan to be married. The councelor told him that they needed to know so that they may start taking the steps to try to accept that their dad will be remarried. However, the kids refuse to go back to the councelor becuse they said that she did not agree with them at times and she was of no help. That tells me they are not ready to take the steps that she was suggesting. So now we are just kinda doing this on our own without the advise from her.

OK, the girl that stole from me is actually the only one that will have a conversation with me and smiles when she sees me. She even set next to me when we were getting ice cream. The oldest is the one that really has the anger. She is the one that was texting/calling her mom during dinner. She was freaked out.

We are cooking out at the house tomorrow evening. We will see how that goes. Like I said I dont expect anything from them. He told them last night, so hopefully she (the oldest) wont be so freaked out.

So with all that said and you know that I was TOW, what different advise would you give now with regards to meeting with the kids?

Meeting 'His Kids' is always at least a little tricky.

In the BEST of circumstances, the divorce happened long ago, the parent in question hasn't dated much and is visibly lonely, and the kids actually WANT him to find someone nice. That's probably pretty rare for a parent under 60, but not unheard of. Then they might actually want to meet you and want to like you.

Then there's the NEUTRAL scenario where the divorce is over and done with and the kids have accepted that someday, there will be someone else. Maybe they've even seen a few GFs come and go, and they're to the point where they know some GF's are better than others. At this point, they MIGHT be open-minded and you actually stand a chance of eventually being liked.

Then there's the MOST COMMON scenario where the divorce has happened, but not everyone is all OK with it. At this point, his kids aren't likely to be thrilled about meeting any new GF because that'll cause conflicting loyalties, take Dad's time, mean new rules and customs in the home -- a whole mess of mess. They'll start out expecting to dislike you and view everything you do through jaundiced eyes. But they're probably not DETERMINED to hate you and might even forget from time to time that they're not supposed to like you. After a few years, things settle down and you've got a chance.

And then there's the OTHER WOMAN scenario like you've got going. The kids are NOT OK with the divorce and in their eyes, it's YOUR fault. In their eyes, YOU (whoever you are) destroyed their lives, their mother's life, their family. They've already got reasons to hate you and their minds are made up. These kids ARE determined to hate you FOREVER and there's not a darn thing you are anyone else can do about it.

The other three situations are hard enough to deal with --
But this last one? Why on earth ANYONE would even try is beyond me.

My advice would be not to meet with the kids. It's obvious their father is not willing to make waves where they are concerned. He wants to be the "good guy" and he's willing to make you uncomfortable in the meantime.

If he's not man enough to sit down with the kids (they sound old enough to reason with, but correct me if I'm wrong... are they all over 8 years old?) and tell them something like:

I know you're probably upset and angry and have other feelings about what happened between me and your mom. I want you to know it had nothing to do with you and it is not your fault in any way. We had grown-up issues that we couldn't resolve. I made some mistakes, and mom made some mistakes, but we are both really happy that we are your parents.

Now I am with Jess and I hope that you can respect my choice of friends. I don't know how you feel about our relationship but I hope we can talk about whatever comes up because she is an important part of my life.

In other words, really, it's none of the kids business who their parent is with. It's true. But the parent's responsibility should FIRST and FOREMOST be to the children.

You really have no role in this until Dad straightens out his relationship with his kids. Until he is honest and open with them, you have no hope of forming a relationship with them. And your relationship with him will die on the vine as a result.

About the kid who stole being the one who is nice to you... kids often do things subconsciously. Kids WANT adults to like them. Especially when they are young. So it's not a surprise that she talks with you. Even though I hated some of my dad's girlfriends I would have been devastated if they didn't like me.

My advice is not to get involved until the relationships are fixed in their family, otherwise things will get very complicated.

I would add to the fact that this guy really has a big character flaw. who in their clear mind would be OK wiht their partner, who LIVES there, require them to leave their house and go elsewhere when children are visiting. if he and his children aren't ready for this, why on Earth did he agree for you to live wiht him? and you in fact bought the house? the house that you have to leave when kids visit? it is a joke. this guy is fishy. why would he agree to buy a house wiht you, because of money? this guy is not a good catch.

what different advice would we give if you wouldn't be TOW? OK, here goes. run. and run fast. this guy sounds bad. Decent man wouldn't buy a house with a woman if she haven't met his children, not married to him and leaves her own house when kids visit. decent men don't do that. Decent men do things differently. they first let his GF to know his children and them know her, decent men wait long enough to move in together and do not buy houses together under the circumstances.

OMG! That's right!
How could I have forgotten that little gem? --

Talk about taking the easy way out for him at a high cost to someone else?! Having you actually leave home for the weekends when his kids come over.

Jess - Get your head out of the sand --

good parents do not move in with people whom their children do not know. he showed ultimate disrespect of his children. he is not a good parent. and poor parents do not make good husbands.

not to say that you can't be happy wiht him. in fact if you thought it is OK to move in with him prior to meeting his children and it is OK to sneak in and out, then you both have twisted understanding of integrity and morals. in fact you both could be very happy together. poor children though.

These poor kids. Jess, do you have any idea what you're doing to them? I don't even think you necessarily sound like a horrible person, just someone who is making some really bad decisions. It seems as though your intentions are good, but unfortunatley, misguided. Please don't expect anything from these kids, ever. What you and their dad have done to them is crushing. I know because I've been in their shoes.

Personally, leaving the home when the kids come over is a hoot!!! GET REAL??!! Are you serious? You can live liek that???
You are TOW. The kids will hate you regardless, maybe the young one will be ok with you but the older one...never! so that being said, if you are comfortable accepting that , that's fine.
Lets look at another note.....your futur hubby.
1. I would never trust a man who cheated on his wife. Cause history tends to repeat oneself.
2. I leave my home when the kids come over......i dont think so...
3. The kids will never love me or evne like me because ....
4. So you marry and have kids.......mmm...pandoras box will open.
Jess, you may really love this man but you will not be a happy family and a cohesive family due to the main reason...you cheated with him and he cheated with you. You guys together can live with it...but his kids wont.
His kids will always have a chip on their shoulders. THey will resent both of you always....
I just read your other post.....
ANd yah they should be told!!! Your bf sounds like a real whimp here!!! He set you up!!!! OMG!!! No wonder those kids were mad! And good for them to be mad at their dad! WTF??? I personally see way too many red flags with this guy.
CUT YOUR LOSSES!!! he's an IDIOT!

UPDATE: We had the cook out. to my suprise it went very well. The oldest atcually spoke to me and even asked if I would go with her to sell car wash tickets for dance, I did of cource. The other two were good as well. They are a lil more friendly anyway. We are going to his parents next wkend (all of us) so I am curious to see how that goes. I get along well with his mom but hav'nt met his sister yet.

REPLY: As I stated before legally I have to leave if his kids are going to be staying the night which they do EOW and one night during week. It was my choice to move in knowing what I would have to do. Once we are married is the only way I can stay. Their mother is not allowed to have her love intrest sleep over. The kids think its just moms new best friend. When they find out the truth that will be devstated. they hold her high up on a pedestal and that is going to break their hearts. "Poor kids" is right they have alot of emotional issues to deal with at a young age.

jess you trying to push mom's sexual orientation issue as to cover up for your own misdeads. plenty of people have bisexual or gay parents/children/siblings and it is not the end of the world, it doesn't break anyone's hearts and doesn't mean one needs to be taken off pedestal.

the fact that she says it is her best friend is pretty normal in our society, you cannot demand from gay people to be as open about their love lives as heterosexuals are. you can't hold it against gays not coming out. you have no rights to judge people based on who they are born. your comments are inappropriate. you should focus on your own behavior, not who was born what way.

It WILL break these kids hearts. They are very invloved in a chirch that does not think the Gay people have a choice. I beleive they are born that way. I accept it without any problems. My focus is on the hurt that we have caused the kids and how they are going to be huting later. The oldest is going to middle school this next school year. She is a sheltered child and I am worried about the other kids being mean to her because of her mother. If she is not aware of her mothers sexuality how can she be prepared for the comments that she may face. This is my only problem with the gay issue with the BM.
There is no cover up for what we have done. I am pretty sure its out there.
If you dont think that a kids mom coming out and saying they are gay will have an impact. YOU ARE WRONG.
I have seen it for myself. The kids still have behavior, emotional, relationship, ect issue that they are dealing with 10ys ltr.

There was a post on this forum form a partner who's partners son was experiancing alot of problems and she just wanted her partner to send him back to his dad. Prblem sovled. No there are alot of issues that kids face when it comes to affairs and to having a gay parent

I agree with one thing...the sh*t will hit the fan when those kids find out...but i'm sure the kids will adjust as well.
and it sounds like they are adjusting to you from what youve wrote.
Interesting....its legally written no love sleep overs. the more i think of it, the more i see it as a benefit for the child....so from that perspective i would also accept that. And accept leaving because i would have no legal right to stay there and your new BF would not see his kids....
All i can say is if you are willing to stay , realize all the implications...then take it day by day jess. And keep it light. Let their father be the main drive to this.
So BM cheated on him as well...mmmm.....what a situation.......So this to me would indicate a man who didn't seek a woman on purpose...kinda happen situation because there was no love interest with said partner..mmm...yah..its not the typical cheating scenario.

their mother's sexual orientation is none of your concern, as of her cheating we know it from your BF who is not particualrly honest man so I wouldn't trust that. he is not the first man/woman who says their spouses cheated on them as to excuse their own wrongdoings. and as of what is going to effect who, you do not even know these children, you just have met them, you haven't even met his sister, you have no children yourself, yet you talk like you know what you are doing and what these kids need. You have met these children few times yet you have a LOT to say about them and their life. Based on what? what your BF says? yeah...