Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Nervous

Posted by momof3_stepof1 (My Page) on
Sun, Jun 26, 11 at 16:32

Well, my ss went to his moms today for the last 7 weeks of summer. In the past few weeks he's told me that if he comes back with a black eye it's the new husbands son's fault. You know... the one who cusses and jumps on furniture, etc.... He also told me that this kid who just turned 12 has been to the jail for breaking into someones home. Then today... we had lunch right before pick up and he brought up the kids name.... told all of us that they went out one time and this kid went around and asked everyone for the wifi password cause he just couldn't live without playing his ipod. My ss said he was soooo embarrassed. Then he told us that this kids brother... from his mom is going to be with them the whole time as well.... so my ss bm new husband's ex ss is going to spend summer with them too. I think that's kind of weird!! I asked ss how that would be and he said it'd be worse.... that they are HORRIBLE together and that they gang up on him. I told him to make sure he tells his mom. He then said that they threaten to beat him up if he tells. Ok... so kid who is 12 and older brother... probably 15 or so... WORSE together.... OMG!!!! I'm so nervous! My dh told my ss that he needs to get his mom and if that doesn't help he needs to call him and he will speak to bm. I just have a feeling she won't do anything because that would upset her new dh.

I've spoken to this guys ex... whom he has a child with that he abandoned and she says these two together is hell. AND that he NEVER disciplines him or says two words to him about the behavior. Anytime she'd say something he defended the brats and that was a BIG part of their problem. SO... I don't think bm has a chance to even address the problems. I'm so nervous that ss is going to get wrapped into their mess. I really hope he's ok for that long. I really hope he stays to himself and out of trouble. I have a feeling this summer will be it. If they are that bad... ss will NOT want to go back for this length of time.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Nervous

hopefully he calls his dad if things get bad, what a nightmare, how weird that the brother will be there too

who watches the kids during the day, is mom not working? so she is watching this kids for the summer and he is not related to anyone, weird


 o
RE: Nervous

She is currently unemployed collecting unemployment. Not looking for work.... buying new vehicles and stating she can't pay her support ontime. It'll be the middle of the month till she can pay for June.

The 15 year old is the new husbands Ex wifes child from a previous relationship. I don't know why he still spends time with him or why the ex wife would allow him go stay with new wife. All a bunch of losers.... I really hope ss isn't afraid to call my husband. I'm afraid they'll threaten him and he will get scared.


 o
RE: Nervous

Devil's advocate here: what if the 15 yr old was close to his ex stepdad and that is why he is visiting? I don't think it is all THAT weird.

My sister married a guy when my nephew was a toddler and he basically was the only dad he really knew. But they divorced when he was like 8. My sister and her ex keep in touch and are good friends. Marriage just didn't work. He has helped her many times (he is not remarried though but my sister has been and divorced again and has a live in BF now)
Anyway -- he still sees my nephew who is 14. He gets him occasionally especially at holidays when family is in town. He sometimes just gets him to go do things, buys him clothes sometimes, always sends a gift. This was the only father my nephew had until has dad started comin around infrequently. They are just close and he loves my nephew like a son and will probably always be a part of his life in some way.


 o
dont know

According to my source.... the newest Ex with the abandoned Kid.... the 15 year old lives with his dad. Apparently that bm is nuts too. Wth would he be taking in this kid all summer but totally denying his biological daughter? Its not right. I think these two boys just have this guy wrapped around their fingers and do as they please. His son wants his brother there so wala hes there..... and my ss gets to suffer at their hands.


 o
RE: Nervous

He doesnt see his daughter? That's crazy!


 o
RE: Nervous

No,Myfampg, he hasn't seen his 2 year old daughter since last June. He also hasn't paid a dime or bought her anything for Christmas or her birthday since that time either. My ss says his mom and new step dad say it's because the mom won't let him. I call BS!! Any man who wants to see his child will go to any length to see them. He left his daughter for my ss bm. I hope they rot in hell together. (BM knows that my son was also abandoned and that I highly dislike anyone who does same)


 o
RE: Nervous

Oh... BTW... in our state you have legally abandoned child after 1 year of no contact. Therefore this man has lost his rights here.


 o
RE: Nervous

"Devil's advocate here: what if the 15 yr old was close to his ex stepdad and that is why he is visiting? I don't think it is all THAT weird.

I agree this isn't crazy at all to spend time with exstepparents. My DD spends time with her exSM, calls her, visits her, they go out, and occasionally DD even stays there overnight (exSM was DD's SM for 10 years from age 10 to 20).

But from what i understand this man neglects his own child plus this kid spends the whole summer with exstepdad. DD's exSM did not abandon her own child. What i find bizarre is when man are all so involved with stepkids and even exstepkids yet completely neglect their own children, it is sickening. They like to play daddies with someone else's children. I guess it is less responsibility. Gross.

"Any man who wants to see his child will go to any length to see them." amen!


 o
RE: Nervous

My dh talked to my ss yesterday.... mom had him in nerby city this whole weekend and didn't bother to mention it to us so we could see him for an hour or so. UGH!!!.... we drove practically through there too. She did say she'd let him know next time so he could come have lunch or something.... yeah... my dh is going to drive 2 1/2 hours for lunch... not so much! BUT... this weekend we did drive through. Plus why is she driving all over the state when she cannot get her support paid? Makes me irrate! Priorities!!! Gonna have to get that paperwork for Title IV out for dh to sign.

DH asked ss if he was getting along with everyone ok... he said NO! DH asked if it was rotten kid.. he said yep. I have a feeling ss isn't going to want to stay whole 7 weeks and next time we will have a raging fit on our hands. BM needs to wake up and smell the coffee!! Just because she's nasty and can't find someone to take her other then this nasty man and can't stand to be alone ss is suffering.


 o
RE: Nervous

Guess I don't understand the difference of driving over for an hour or so and driving 2 and a 1/2 hours for lunch. Maybe just me, but I would have drove over for lunch, spent an hour and drove back home when I'm given the option. Driving to see my kids and/or grandkids is just not that big of deal to me. I drive all the time, they drive all the time...I guess it's something my family is use to as it is that or not see each other.

But that's really neither here nor there...at least you know SS is still ok. I think I'd rather the boys not be getting along great. Not liking each other and/or fighting might mean SS is safer that way and not out getting into trouble. I hope your SS gets private phone time (non-overheard by his other house mates/BM) so he feels he can talk freely and honestly to his father.

To be fair, as you don't really know who paid for gas, BM may not have spent any of her own money traveling anywhere. If someone else or her BF paid for the trip/s it really has nothing to do with BM's ability to pay child support. It's her responsibile, not any one else. But then I suppose one could be making the agrument that she should be looking for work to pay her dues than jotting around carefree.


 o
RE: Nervous

"Guess I don't understand the difference of driving over for an hour or so and driving 2 and a 1/2 hours for lunch. Maybe just me, but I would have drove over for lunch, spent an hour and drove back home when I'm given the option."

well I honestly do see the difference. I fly hours and hours to see DD but that's because she lives very far and I do not see her much. But SS lives with dad and was gone for only one week, or 10 days, driving 2 and a half hour to have lunch with him seems unnecessary and excessive. Sure one can live without their kid for that much? Personally I probably wouldn't drive 5 hours to have a glimpse of a kid who lives with 24/7 the rest of the year.

This mom is nuts but it seems there is nothing she can do right. if she spent every day searching for jobs and going to interviews, and SS sat home bored, that would be bad, but if she actully takes kid places it is not good either. she can't win here.


 o
RE: Nervous

Maybe I did not understand the posting than PO1. OP said Dad would have driven over to this city to spend an hour. Then BM offers to let him know the next time and we got the Dad is not going to drive 2 and 1/2 hours to have lunch. It's the fact he would drive for an hour visit but not lunch. I could turn lunch into an hour, so what's the difference between the two statements OP made?


 o
driving to see a kid

I understood that they would not drive on purpose that far but they happened to be driving though the area for some reason, so if they knew SS was there, they'll go see him for an hour, maybe they would still have to drive but not 2.5 hours. They missed the opportunity.

On the other hand how did mom know? And 2.5 is not a nearby city, for me it is either opposite side of a state or even a foreign country LOL I guess no matter what mom does, is wrong.


 o
RE: Nervous

We were driving through... my husband would not have driven to that city just for an hour or lunch. He does live with us 24/7 the rest of the year. She just believes he has to drop everything all the time for ss. We have three other kids who keep us very very busy... and ss does too when he's here. We have spent a rediculous amount of money in gas in the month of June/already July... we can't just drive over there for lunch. If she wants to end her visit and give him back... we'll be glad to go get him. I have a feeling that's coming next.

She absolutely needs to be looking for a job. She's a leach. She bought a very new vehicle and isn't looking for a job... how's she paying those payments? She said her support would be late due to having to put down a down payment... sorry, but I don't think child support is a bill that you finagle... everything else maybe, not support. AND... how's she going to now make those payments and her support every month? She's not going to. She isn't working. I'd be fine if she got a job. Ecstatic actually.... as long as she has daycare for my ss. He cannot be left home alone, he's 10. Plus he'd be there with devil child.


 o
RE: Nervous

'She just believes he has to drop everything all the time for ss.'

I was under impression that mom was in a nearby city and did not tell dad? So how does she want dad to drop everything for SS?

First you complained that mom did not tell dad so dad could see SS. Then when she says she'll tell dad so he CAN see SS, you complain that now dad has to drop everything. So do you want mom to tell dad when she is a nearby city or not? She can't read your mind.

Seems no matter what mom does, you complain even if you contradict yourself. Not paying CS is evil and unacceptable, other complains just don't sound valid.


 o
RE: Nervous

PO1... you've been accused of twisting statements before.... quit, ok? I'm not getting into a defending match with you. My ss bm can let us know that she is close to us that's fine but that doesn't mean we will always run to him. We'd like to know that she's close to us so that we can decide. What happens is she expects us to always run for her. Seriously.... 2 1/2 hours isn't close yet we are expected to drop everything at ANY time to be there. It would be nice to let us know incase we are close but we aren't just going to go to this town just because she's there. She actually met us for pickup in a town that's only 1 hour from us..... she went there for her husbands dad who was hospitalized.... which is always the case with her, she does EVERYTHING for her new man and his family but nothing for her own.... her son had a scheduled tournament the day before and she had promised to attend... then she canceled yet was an hour from us the next day. (husbands dad had been in hospital for quite some time... so it wasn't sporatic and unexpected to go there that day)... see what I mean? She could've easily went to tournament then went to see patient. She won't drop everything and travel just a little further yet we are supposed to. Again... we've lived in our town for almost 5 years. She has NEVER been here.... Not for her son's school activities, sports activities, to see where he lives, nothing. Yes, it bothers me that she thinks we can go there for lunch but she can't come here to watch a game or see a program. She only thinks about herself. No one else... which is why I'm sure she has no clue that her son is so unhappy visiting her with this kid around.


 o
RE: Nervous

She is uninvolved with her son and does not pay CS, that's awful. But the situation with being in a nearby city does not seem important enough. She said she is going to tell you in the future when SS is in a nearby city, so dad CAN visit for lunch. Not like she said dad MUST go see SS in a nearby city. You did not like that she did not tell and now she is going to tell, she is being receptive. I think it is good enough.


 o
RE: Nervous

--"She said her support would be late due to having to put down a down payment."--

Well, isn't that 'interesting'. Wonder how well that would fly if someone called their mortgage company and said 'sorry, my house payment will be late due to having to go shopping' , or take a vacation, or flat out 'I would rather spend my money elsewhere this week'.

Obligations are obligations. I think it takes a lot of nerve to say one can't make a CS payment because they'd rather purchase a new car this week. I can see being frustrated over being told this. Obviously the lady has no sense of duty on a regular basis to her offspring if buying a car this week comes before helping support a child. It's not unrealistic to also wonder how anyone is going to make regular support payments when they don't work, can not now regularly make CS payments on time and have just added a new monthly car payment to their budget.

Sure, maybe the 'new' guy really made the downpayment and plans on paying the monthly car payments, but that still does not excuse the fact that this BM has a monthly obligation to this child and fails to meet it. Telling one you can't make a CS payment because you'd rather purchase a new car kinda just adds fuel to the fire. I get it.

PO1, aren't you the one always telling us how you do not think children need to be entertained all the time? The one who tells us that kids should not feel the need to go go go, spend spend spend? Yet now you're telling us this BM should be overlooked going/spending as otherwise the kid would be bored and sitting around doing nothing. Perfectly ok to not work/seek work (oh, and skip ontime payment obligations) so a child won't be bored. Talk about sending double messages.


 o
RE: Nervous

What I never seem to understand is why the obligated party shares with the other party about their finances.

My ex would NEVER share with me ANY problems. I know some things because either 1. In the beginning he did tell me off and on things 2. My attorney tells me ALOT 3. My daughter tells me things when she overhears

Why in the world would you tell someone a. I don't work b. I don't know how I will pay XYZ c. I'm a loser and I think I'll give you more ammo to make me look like a looser. There is no way in HELL that I would tell my ex anything.

I had to buy a new car a few years ago which I still have and will be paid off in about 6 months. I did not want a new car BUT ex wanted the car I had out of his name and since the vehicle was more than I really could afford (awarded in divorce) I had to give it back and just start fresh. I had not bought a car in my name EVER so this was going to be tough. My parents fronted the down payment and my dad haggled with the dealer to get me what I could afford and the payments just right but it was mine, my name, no co signor ect. My ex is constantly making 'assumptions' that I am driving a vehicle I can not afford. Or that it's not in my name or how in the world am I driving that. There are many secrets he does not and will not ever know about the purchase of that vehicle. If he wants to flip and think I'm paying XXX for that car and that his child support is going towards it, I let him. Who am I to set him straight. He is an idiot for assuming that I would ever pay XXX for a vehicle when I only pay x for it....

Who knows how she got the car. Why is it not garnised from her pay? Or wherever she gets her money to begin with? When she is late, send her a bill. And a notice. Try not to assume, as difficult as it is... That she is has this or that going on unless you know for sure. I can't imagine my x ever sharing info with me or vice versa.


 o
RE: Nervous

myfampg.... I NEVER tell my son's dad anything and my dh never tells bm anything... other than maybe once in awhile when they ask rediculous things... we then say that we can't afford that.

Here is the exact text she sent my dh "Hey I forgot to tell ya but since I had to buy a new vehicle and put a down payment down I will be late on support...you will probably get it after the middle of the month and I will catch it up as soon as I can....sorry if its an inconvenience but I don't have a choice."

Does that sound to you like someone else is paying for it? It sounds to me like she put herself buying a car before her son's support. I don't give two $#@!'s why she can't pay the support, the support comes first. PERIOD... the child has to eat, be clothed, have a house, electricity, etc before she has a car. The support is not garnished because they had private attorney's going through everything. In the county we were in they don't bother with issuing a wage withholding order for these types of cases... now when we paid we sent out own withholding order in so that it would be garnished and we didn't have to worry about paying it.... it just was. She won't do that. I have all the paper work for my husband to file with the Title IV D office to have them monitor the support... they WILL issue an order to have it garnished. Just getting my dh to sign the paperwork is a hassle. He doesn't want to "fight" with her anymore... and I promise... it'll be a fight. It'll be one less thing she controls. In our state it actually is a law that support be garnished. I don't know how she gets away with it. It's only a matter of time though.... because I promise I can be way more annoying with my "fights" then what he'll deal with with her. Eventually if she stays behind I'll get it garnished. Especially since she thinks sending in 4 weeks EVERY month is paying on time... we all know some months have 5 weeks... she has yet to pay a 5 week month.... meaning she's behind.


 o
RE: Nervous

Just to add to this.... bm and my ss went to our former town last weekend. So that's three weekends in a row she's traveled at least 2-3 hours from home for the entire weekend. Yet, she still has yet to pay her support payment. This is getting rediculous. She can travel, buy new cars, have fun but can't really support her son. I'm keeping track in my little book.


 o
RE: Nervous

is her DH paying for things? I don't know how that works but she is paying support from her income (nonexistant since she does not work) but they still got to eat and feed the kids so is it possible her DH buys those cars and gas and other stuff but it wouldn't be calculated into CS, right?


 o
RE: Nervous

When my brother comes to town with his family, he literally has no expenses. My parents give him gas money just because, they've bought plane tickets because they want to do that, they provide all meals and usually foot the bill for six flags, water park etc because they only come a few times a year. So it may seem like my brother has alll this cash to take his family of 5 to do things but really he pays for none of it. That's what I'm saying ... Maybe momof3 doesn't really 'know' where the money is coming from. Maybe family is helping so that SS does not have a sucky summer.

My ex can't pay medical bills or afford to retain an attorney consistently but yet his wife drives a Lexus and they go to water parks, had nails and hair done, went to Lego land, went on vacation... I 'assume' SM's ex is footing the bill for my Dd to have a great summer lol if he only knew!! Ha!


 o
RE: Nervous

"She actually met us for pickup in a town that's only 1 hour from us..... she went there for her husbands dad who was hospitalized.... which is always the case with her, she does EVERYTHING for her new man and his family but nothing for her own.... her son had a scheduled tournament the day before and she had promised to attend... then she canceled yet was an hour from us the next day. (husbands dad had been in hospital for quite some time... so it wasn't sporatic and unexpected to go there that day)... "

LOL! Sounds like our BM. All of last summer/fall, she'd drive down here same day every week to visit her BF in prison - but not attend SS's soccer games, which were in the early evening of the same day.

BM also shares details of her financial problems with DH and SS. I don't know why she bothers with details, it can be summed up in one simple sentence - she refused to even look for a job, and has said so repeatedly. She's on yet another extension of unemployment, and apparently is unhappy with the amount of money that she gets for not working. Her latest pronouncement is that DH "needs" to send up money with SS so that he can pay his own way during the 48 hours he is with her. Um, sure, BM.


 o
RE: Nervous

--Her latest pronouncement is that DH "needs" to send up money with SS so that he can pay his own way during the 48 hours he is with her. Um, sure, BM."--

Just how does that work? Send $25 for electric bill, $10 for water bill, $2.50 for sewer...and $35 for food?


 o
RE: Nervous

exactly myfampg, same here. Older SD and her DH go on very very expensive vacations several times a year, by that I mean cruises, tropical, European, some shorter trips etc None of that is ever paid by them. Their vacations are paid by SD's in-laws who are very wealthy, as well as BM who is also very rich. Previously SO paid for some too although nothing that fancy, but he stopped doing it. So anybody would assume that all their money go towards these trips when in fact that's not the case. When they visit here, they do not spend anything. Same as with your brother, gas, food, tickets, everything. SO used to buy their plane tickets too, but now he stopped. And when SD went on vacations with us she wanted us to pay for even little things like coffee in a coffee shop, mind you they make very good money, and have professional careers.

myfam, I think this is crazy, SM does not work yet lives such lavish life style yet her DH cannot pay bills, what a nightmare.


 o
RE: Nervous

Oh PO1 you have no idea!! My Dh and I make about $45k more a year than Dh does on one income (I ONLY know this because his income is free game during court proceedings). However, that does not include his $10k a year he pays in CS, so if I included that - we actually have even more income. They live in a very nice home, I'm sure is no less than $250k... The nice SUV and all the name brand clothes BUT I do know that my attorney said DH is in severe credit card debt. 2 of his previous attorney's withdrew for non payment and told my attorney how in debt he was and wanted legal aide. But the stuff they did this last month is so extreme!! Maybe they saved all year. Maybe she has money I don't know about. Maybe his family sent money. I don't know. I really dont care eeh maybe I do.. I don't know but damn it I would like him to pay these medical bills AND he has yet to pay the court ordered health insurance reimbursement. It was due July 1st. Blah!!


 o
RE: Nervous

I really don't care how things are getting paid for her trips.... I do know, if you'll read the quoted text message that she used her support payment for a down payment on a car. That's wrong. Period. I don't care if she eats, I don't care if she has a place to sleep to be honest. Her child support needs to be paid whether she's working or not. She was not working on the day the support order was made. The judge gave her three months to find employment. She worked for six weeks. Not our fault. She had a perfectly good job before she quit it to go live in new state with new man. Her son still eats, still needs clothes, still needs a home with electricity. Her support is a LAW that needs to be paid. It's now between 7 and 8 weeks past due. In our state they begin court proceedings at 30 days.... IF you have gone through the Title IV D program... which my husband has not yet. Her support needs paid PERIOD. If it's not paid and caught up soon I will have my dh begin proceedings for garnishment and monitoring throught the IV D office.

When she had custody if my dh got behind like this it was hell. She knew the ONE time my dh lost his job that I paid it. She then threw it in my face that she bought a new phone with it. I paid it because I didn't want my dh behind or in trouble with the courts. I didn't pay it to please her. She expected it though... now she is on the other side with a dh that won't help her out?!?! Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.


 o
RE: Nervous

Very hypocritical. I would definitly get all of that set up. May I ask? Why has he not set it up yet? Is he giving her a chance to do it herself? I did that for the first 9 months. Bd was to pay $986 and some Change. We agreed because he kept my car insurance on his policy that was $50 a pay day that he would deduct $50 and just send the remainder by check. That would have made support $886. He only paid $850 a month. He cheated me $36 for no reason... I asked him, can you count? Then it started only coming in at $800 then it was $750 and then I found out my car insurance had been cancelled. Wtf? So I signed up with IV D also and it's garnished. Of course he has stable employment so it's always paid. BUT he was ordered to pay medical reimbursement and for whatever reason the AG has not started garnishing that yet. My attorney said when he saw on July 1st that it was not deducted, he should have either contacted them and let me know he was working on it OR he should have sent me a cashiers check and/or sent it to my attorney So it could be documented. What is it with these parents who refuse to provide. I'm providing medical insurance so he won't have to go find a policy for Dd only... And/or pay the full amount of the premium. His reimbursement is barely 1/2 of What I pay in full... He emailed me in June 'demanding' an insurance card for Dd since I was 'ordered' to provide it but yet he is hypocritical as well when he hasnt even bothered to reimburse for it.

Such deadbeats.


 o
RE: Nervous

I have no answers as to why he won't set it up now. He says he isn't concerned with whether she pays or not. That just really makes me mad. He gets so mad at me when we're broke, yet he's owed money. She's out having a grand ole time and he "isn't concerned".... I have threatened to stop my support payments from my son's bd and that makes him mad. It's the same diffrence. I told him that we have to treat the bio parents equal just as we treat the kids equal. It's not fair that my son's dad has to pay ontime if she doesn't. Or pay at all for that matter. He is ready to tell her that she can't claim him the year after next if she's not caught up... so he says. We shall see. He hates confrontations with her or fighting with her at all. I remind him that he has no trouble fighting with me and he chose me. So, he should be more concerned with making me happy then her. She has an obligation to her son he needs to enforce it.

I'm also keeping track of all medical expenses this year. SS got a wire put in the bottom of his teath for orthodontic reasons and had 5 cavities. That's TON of money right there. I'm sure she'll throw a fit when we tell her she owes. I've kept every receipt though so she can't fight it.


 o
RE: Nervous

seems like so many men have no problem fighting with their loved ones yet put up with their exes with no problem. seems it should be the other way around.

maybe it is not just men, I often put up with my ex's antics because i just didn't want confrontation. also i think people are so happy to get rid of their exes that it is easier to take more responsibility than arguing with one's ex. every time I had to ask my ex for anything, i remembered why i divorced him in the first place. LOL


 o
RE: Nervous

PO1... I have NO problem telling my son's dad's how it is. My dh on the other hand just started standing up for himself last year. BUT he still doesn't want to fight. I asked him today if he had talked to her about Junes payment. He said no but if it wasn't paid this week he'd ask Sunday when he calls ss.

Here is when she's paid... January payment was paid Feb 14
Feb payment- Mar 8
March payment- April 7
April payment- May 4
May payment - June 7

Now here it is July 20 and still no June payment. Also, for each of those payments she only paid $224 which is 4 weeks. April had 5 Fridays as does July. Obviously she doesn't have to pay both of those months for 5 weeks cause there are two more months that have 5 Fridays. BUT... since she didn't pay for 5 weeks in April then she MUST for July. Who would like to place bets? I'm betting she doesn't. Right now if you count this Friday she owes $448. Tax intercept comes into play in our state at $500. That'd be by the end of next week. She's pissing me off so bad! If this were her she'd be all up in my dh's face about it. We have bills that have to be paid and I have to start buying school supplies and shoes and such. Knowing she'll never help contribute to any of that. I some how knew she wouldn't pay. She put that down payment on the car.... went on those weekend trips, plates have to be bought and payments now have to be made. I hate her. I admit it, I hate her! I'd absolutely LOVE to have a new car... BUT I can't afford it. OMG... obviously she can't either. I just want to strangle the no good pos!


 o
RE: Nervous

I do feel for you. BM is a jerk.

But I don't really think the reason you cannot afford a car or this or that is BM. You have 4 kids in the household, THREE of them are yours, only one is BM's. Even with CS on two of your kids it is A LOT to handle.And one of yours get nothing. I raised one kid and know how expensive that could be. You have 4, of course it is tough. Now you made it sound like she is a deadbeat, it appears that she has been paying CS, just didn't pay this month? I understand it is bad enough, but from your previous posts it sounded like she does not contribute at all.

So if she completely skips this payment dad could address it with a lawyer right? Did your DH ask for reasons for not paying? My ex was late with CS too, in fact he often thought it is OK to pay two months amount at once. I bet many here can relate to irregular or skipped payments. I think it is terrible some parents think it is OK to be so irregular. But I don't think $200 can fix that dent in your budget.


 o
RE: Nervous

I agree with you once again PO1.


...putting on another scarf as the temperature drops...


 o
RE: Nervous

Too funny...
I welcome temperature drop though, it is 100F today ha


 o
RE: Nervous

It is the non-custodial parent's obligation to pay their CS, and to pay it on time, no matter how much or how little that might be. One could look at it as "it's only $200, so how much is that money really going to help out?" Or, one could look at it as "it's only $200; it doesn't even come close to the cost of raising a child, why can't she pay even that pitiful amount on time?!"

She is now two months in arrears, it sounds like. The fact that she is a woman who is paying very little should be taken no less seriously than if it were a man who was supposed to be sending $1,800/month and was two months in arrears. It is her responsibility and her legal obligation to pay it. It should not be Mom of 3 and her DH's responsibility to subsidize her failure to pay because it's "only" $200.


 o
RE: Nervous

I said BM is a jerk and it is very bad that some parents think it is OK to pay irregularly or not pay at all, no excuse for BM at all.

But one of momof3 kids get nothing in CS at all, yet kid does not go without necessity, I suspect momof3 and her DH subsidize dad's failure to pay because what else do you do when you have children? Or momof3 and DH say "it is not our responsibility to subsidize for dad's failure to pay? CS is nto paid so we won't buy him anything"? Or she buys him school supplies and shoes because he is her child?

Plenty of parents get no CS, yes they subsidize for their ex's lack of responsibility, more so their new spouses often do. What are the other option?

It just strange when she says she is broke and cannot afford a car and seem to blame BM. I bet that majority of expenses in the household are not for SS but for OP's three sons, first of all they are older and cost more and then there are THREE of them. And I bet you DH spends money on them too. I bet you he helps to pay for kid's (one with no CS) shoes and school supplies. I was often broke with one child, with 3 teenage boys? Forget a new car.

As about amount of CS, it is determined by a judge or whoever. If it is not enough maybe dad could file for more.

I do agree BM is not doing her job as a parent while momof3 is working hard supporting now 4 kids. But BM is not at fault (at least not main fault) for momof3's financial struggles.


 o
RE: Nervous

Thank you mattie for understanding. That is my point.... As about buying a new car, of course I coudn't afford it even if bm was paying... the fact is SHE did buy a new car and obviously can't afford it and pay her child support. She's not doing it now that she bought that car. I could go out and buy a car then her kid and mine would go without things. I also could have bought a car when she had custody and skipped her child support payments to pay for that car. That didn't happen and if it would have she would have blown her top.

My one child does not get support and he also does not know that my dh isn't his bio dad. My dh wants it that way. He wants to take care of my son as his own. He gets mad at me for simply trying to get that money. (Remember, I tried to get bio dad to see and associate with my son, he disappeared and wants nothing to do with him.... so dh and I are not being evil)

Not only is bm 2 months behind now... she owes $448 tomorrow.... she also refuses to buy him clothes or shoes or anything. So she is NOT helping out besides not paying her support on time. I would totally do as my dh does with my son if bm disappeared as well. As it is she wants to play mom when it's convenient for her, get the rewards but not have to have him when he's needing help, needing love and needing items/support.

Also, we had to drive to meet her and will have to drive to get him back. That's at least $100 per trip in gas money... yet she's not paying her support or supporting her son what so ever. So, essentially we are out money to let her have her visits.


 o
RE: Nervous

I'd also like to point out that when my dh was paying her support, it was taken straight out of his paycheck. We had each and every stub to prove it. However, his employer would sometimes send it late. BM knew that his support was taken from his check therefore out of his control. ANYTIME it was late she would call him and gripe at him that her current husband was supporting his kid because his support was late. EVEN THOUGH it was out of my dh's control. He would then have to call corporate EVERYTIME so she would shut her fat trap and get on them. So now that she's having to pay and she's paying HERSELF and she doesn't believe as a woman she should have to pay she thinks she can pay when it's convenient for her. Now, do you understand why I'm so upset?

AND YES, she said that to the judge... she's a woman, she shouldn't have to pay.


 o
RE: Nervous

she is paying CS though, if she doesn't believe she should be paying why is she paying then? doesn't make sense.

also it does not matter why your DH was late (employer's fault)but he was also late with CS, so now she is late. then she was mad, now you are mad, same thing.

i understand why you are upset she is late with her $200.00, but i still do not understand why is it her fault you can't afford anything. most likely majority of your household expenses are not one little SS but three of your teenage sons. that certainly is not her fault or responsibility. you are not broke because of her 200.00.


 o
your son does not know

"My one child does not get support and he also does not know that my dh isn't his bio dad."

I think there is something really morally wrong here, you want to get CS out of a man (and rightly so) yet your child does not even know that he exists. he is in jail for not paying yet your son does not know he has a father? would it be morally better to either not expect the money or not lie to your son. how is your son going to feel when he finds out that he has a father and mom was suing him for CS yet never even told him. so you want him to pay the money yet not be a father? that's just so unfair to your son. there is more to life than money.


 o
RE: Nervous

Isn't SS with BM right now?

I absolutely would not want to 'give up' receiving support for a month because I depend on it (more than I should) but my expenses are very low when she is gone. I do not have child care when she is gone, in fact I do not have child care for Dd at all during the summer because my parents are keeping Dd during the day ... She is not in any of her activities she normally is in during the school year. My grocery bill was lower during those weeks she was gone simply because it was one less mouth to feed and I didn't have to pay for any extras like water park, arts and crafts, clothing, nothing! I spent no money towards Dd while she was gone to dad's for three weeks because she wasn't here. I was able to pay off some bills and save a huge chunk for our vacation. Dad was still having to pay but I'm certain his expenses went UP just because he had an additional mouth to feed, child to entertain, body to clothe etc..

So over the month that she hasn't paid but SS was gone, did you notice your expenses were lower? I did and I took advantage of it. I only spent about $85 a week while she was gone in groceries but the week she came home my grocery bill was $154. I had to buy some odds and ends that she needed but still at least since she is not paying, SS isn't there.

I hope she gets back on track with paying.
By the way, the first month that the garnishment started OAG held back 1 month as a 'cushion' on the account in case he is ever late... So I didn't get support for say 'January' until February. And you are lucky because I have a set month amount so I don't get extra if there is 5 weeks.... Something to consider.


 o
RE: Nervous

PO1 in our state it is COURT ORDERED to be garnished. If court wanted to complain that dh's support was late they would then have to take it up with employer. Employers do get in trouble here. DH had all stubs stating he paid on time every week. She is CHOOSING NOT TO PAY regularly. Btw... I have only ONE teenage son. His dad pays support. No, we are not broke because of her but it certainly would be nice to have the support we are owed on time every month. Then at least I could budget better. You know.... I'm really tired of you coming in here and belittling every little complaint I have. Just shhhh already.

Also, I cannot stop my son's bd having to be in jail for not paying or stop the state from pursuing him for all support owed. I filed Title IV D in 2000. The state takes it from there. I cannot tell them to stop. He created this child and chose to walk away from him. I tried to let him see him when he was young, he chose to disappear. My dh has stepped in. Leave it!

myfampg.... The support owed is for June. We had him till the end of June. Therefore the support owed is for when we were supporting him fulltime. She is behind by one month... paying after the month is over. Now I have to go get him his school supplies and his shoes/clothes, etc. I think I should absolutley have this money to do so since she won't be willing to help out other then the support. School starts Aug 16. Registration is first week in August, book fees are due, supplies have to be bought. I'd like to do so before everything we need is picked over and I have to go from one store to the next looking for it.


 o
and this too

PO1.... it really really upsets me that you are defending her. She bought a car obviously she couldn't afford. Read above, she sent that text message to us... it's word for word. She couldn't afford the car yet she bought the car. She used my dh's support to buy the car. She can't afford it either. I probably could go buy a car but I choose not to, I choose not to have that payment and not to have to worry about how other things will be paid. She is using the support to pay for her car. HELLO!!! It's wrong no matter how broke I am or am not. I DO have to buy him the things he needs for the upcoming school year. She WILL NOT do so. That is for sure going to far exceed the $200... it'll probably far exceed the $448 she really owes, since I'm typing this at 1:46 am, it's now Friday and that's what she owes today. Our school book fees are easily $150, supplies for each child $100, his huge feet... size 9 easily $60 and he'll need new clothes as well. So, yes, I DO NEED her money to pay for these things. These are NOT things for MY children, they are for HER child that she will NOT buy. She told the judge she didn't want to pay and didn't think she should have to pay. She pays because she was court ordered to do so. Though, obviously she has quit paying.

myfampg.... also, we were given custody of my ss in October she was given till January 1 to get a job before she was ordered to begin paying. So essentially my dh and I supported my ss on our own from October till Feb 14 because she didn't pay till then for January. According to PO1 I guess I should just eat it and quit complaining that bm is a pos and she's entitled to buy herself things she cannot afford because it's not her fault I can't buy myself a new car. If I hadn't had to fight her in court I'd have about $5000 more, heck that'd be a nice down payment on a pretty nice car.


 o
RE: Nervous

i am not defending her, it is wrong that she is late with CS, i never said it is OK. i am just do not think she is at fault for you being broke, you have 3 kids (OK not teenagers)and it is expensive. also you keep saying she refuses to pay CS because she is a woman yet you provide us with a schedule showing that she pays CS monthly and is late this month. you contradict yourself. i think your hatred for BM just clouds your common sense.

i still think it is wrong to keep suing man for child support yet lying to your son about his existence. so if he all of sudden starts paying support, then you are going to tell your son or you just pocket CS and say nothing? is money that important? you text his family argue on facebook call them, think of garnishing jail money or whatever and he does not even know he has a father. so what is in his birth certificate? isn't he going to ask one day? what are you going to say when he asks? even your DH is angry that you keep demanding that money even after your DH wants to be perceived as the only father. I think your anger and frustration over lack of money just takes over common sense.

OK she was ordered to pay in January, and she started paying. You seem to be so awfully angry about everything in your life, it must effect the kids negativelly


 o
RE: Nervous

I said she BELIEVES she shouldn't pay and now she BELIEVES it's ok not to pay because she's a woman. She was court ordered. Each and EVERY payment she's made is late. She is to pay EVERY WEEK, she pays once a month and it's into the next month... obviously June's payment is toward the end of the next month. That's WRONG!!!!!!!!! I'm not completely broke, I would just like to have her support regularly to be able to budget. I am smart enough not to buy something that will cause me not to pay something else... she thinks it's ok cause it's JUST her son's support. No big deal. In fact it's a HUGE deal.

I am working 46 hours this week, dh worked 45 just yesterday, has to work 10-12 hours today and another 8 tomorrow. That's plenty of OT for us, plus his pt girl just quit... so guess who's going in to work. That'd be me. That's because I am working to take care of MY children. BM is sitting on her lazy butt collecting unemployment, buying new cars NOT paying her support. I can say she's NOT paying her support because as of July 22 she hasn't paid for June, therefore being today 8 weeks behind. That is NOT paying. All offices in our state say they wait 30 days to pursue action on a non custodial... well, it's been well over 30 days, therefore she is in contempt of court for NOT paying.

Like I said, I CANNOT ask the state to end collections on my son's sperm donor. It is out of my control. He created a child he left that child. This is all his fault, NOT mine. Drop that issue NOW! I won't discuss it further with you.

She was ordered to pay in January, she didn't start paying till middle of February. That's WRONG! She's a self righteous %itch who needs a taste of jail to see that she's NOT in control of this situation.


 o
RE: Nervous

I'm sure he could sign over his rights and therefore would no longer be financially responsible and your Dh could adopt him.


 o
RE: Nervous

That's what I was thinking myfam, him giving up his rights would be more acceptable than telling a child that someone else is his biodad while suing his real biodad for money behind his back, that's just not decent in my opinion. One day somebody we'll have to explain to the kid.

"She was ordered to pay in January, she didn't start paying till middle of February. That's WRONG! She's a self righteous %itch who needs a taste of jail to see that she's NOT in control of this situation. "

so she needs a taste of jail for sending CS 2 weeks late LOL

You sound hysterical. BM has been paying CS monthly, sure she is late this month it is not nice but really does $200.00 deserve that much screaming and yelling and putting her in jail. LOL All this screaming and arguing with your ex's family, ex is not paying CS and is in jail, now BM owes 200 bucks, so much drama and hatred. You can't get that angry over every little thing, you gonna get high blood pressure. Just let it go.


 o
RE: Nervous

Mom3, just because I'm curious, does your state use a disbursement center for CS? In other words, is your CS sent directly to DH from BM or does it go through a middleman route?

If SS's BM is on unemployment which is issued every two weeks, a payment could not be made weekly. I really get your frustration on people not meeting obligations, but I think what some are trying to say to you is that you really aren't doing yourself (and therefore your kids) any good/favors getting so frantic. Where would they all be if you had a stroke tomorrow? Who would take care of them all then? They need you, it might be time to focus on loosening up a bit, controling the things you can control and learning to cope in different less stressful ways with what you can't.

I don't mean to down play your concerns, but there's only so much one can do and you can't choke money out of people that refuse to honor obligations...you can't make people step up to the plate if they are bent on being defiant and/or deadbeats. If the judge gave BM until January to find work, it likely meant 'ok lady, you can have until January before you have to start making payments giving you a chance to find employment'...not 'you must be working by January'.

As frustrating as it is for you, paying a entire month's CS at once and paying it in one lump payment the first of every month (meaning you actually receiving it the first week after ending of said month's period)is better than not receiving any payments at all. Yes, BM was wrong to send text stating she'd rather use her CS this month as a down payment on a car...but following her pattern of payments she is only two weeks late. Do you really want to have your hard earned tax dollars come get her and wham her in jail? She can't pay you at all from there.

I think what some are trying to say is perhaps you are obsessing a bit too much over what you have little control over...and it's just not healthy and/or productive for you. No body is suggesting BM should not pay. Life is too short to put yourself in the hospital over a couple weeks forth of CS.


 o
RE: Nervous

Even if one works, paycheck comes every two weeks. I don't know workplaces that pay weekly.


 o
RE: Nervous

something just hit me, if you filed for CS in 2000 your kid must be at least 11, but SS is 10. how does your son think DH is his father if SS is younger than him? how did DH have SS with the other woman after he already had your son with you? how confused is your son on all this?


 o
RE: Nervous

My son hasn't realized it yet. I've been working on getting up the nerve to explain things to him. I believe I've had this thread before. My son is EXTREMELY big hearted and very emotional. He just lost two grandparents in the last month, I'm not about to go there right now. I filed in 2000 when he was born and 11 months prior to meeting my dh. BD can't just "give up" rights and stop paying support. We want to get the adoption complete but the homestudy itself costs $800. We began doing this when my ss bm decided she was going to take ss and leave the state last year. We had to drop that and begin the custody battle. I tried and tried and tried to get bd to have something to do with ds11. He wouldn't, he's sent texts stating that in his eyes he's not his son, he's not his other kids' brother, he could care less about what he's doing and how well. He got someone else pregnant 3 months after me, I'm sorry if I don't think he should just be allowed to drop my kid because it's inconvenient for him. I've sent pictures to him, everything. He disappeared on us, my son decided to call my dh dad, I allowed it, yes but I'm not the bad one here. So drop it. He's hurt us really badly and I know that when my son does find out it's going to break his heart. Not because I lied but because he's got other kids out there he actually wants. One of which is 3 months younger then him.

Bm is NOT 2 weeks behind. She is 8 weeks due today. The judge told her to BEGIN making payments january 1. That was not a Friday so therefore she should have made a payment no later then January 7. Even at biweekly she shouldn't have been past January 14. She paid Feb 14. That's 6 weeks late. NOT 2. She's doing this to manipulate us. She owes $448 today, NOT $200. The man she married stopped sending support to his daughter as soon as they moved in together. Why should I think that bm is not going to do the same. It always starts with one excuse.

Also.... I'd like to point out that one time years ago I found some great sales at Toys R Us, I texted her because ss bday was coming up. I was the one currently paying support for my dh because he was inbetween jobs. She called him and told him I better not be late on her support since I was out shopping. Really?!?!?!?! But now it's ok to be late because she wanted a car. Yep, hypocrite. I've been dealing with her for years, she's probably not going to pay and if she does it'll be late from now on, she'll never get caught back up.


 o
RE: Nervous

"She called him and told him I better not be late on her support since I was out shopping. Really?!?!?!?! But now it's ok to be late because she wanted a car."

Sounds like my DH's ex that called him the same day she got the papers from the court saying he was to start paying from the first of that month. She called to tell him he was in arrears since it was due at the beginning of the month (even though they got the paperwork near the end of the month so he couldn't pay what he didn't know he needed to pay). She told him he'd better get a check to her that day! (BM moved away less than a month later, leaving SD with DH)

Here we sit four years later... DH didn't even seek support for almost a year & the last three years, it's like squeezing blood from a turnip. She hasn't paid a penny in over a year & still wants to dictate how we should live our life because we are raising "HER" daughter.

Yep, as soon as DH moved in with me, she thought she could stop paying money she had borrowed from him. Thinks that she doesn't have to pay because she doesn't work & we do, so we have more money than her... in her mind it means we don't need her money or something. So, I totally understand & feel for you because most of the time, when SD needs things & DH couldn't afford it without my income... essentially, I am paying for it.

lol, when she went & had another baby a little over a year ago when she said she can't pay support because she wasn't working... she actually told DH that she didn't say anything to him about my grandson coming to live with me so he has nothing to say about her having a new baby. Umm, my DH has never told her anything about having another baby, except that when BM told him she was going to ask for a reduction in her support because she now had another mouth to feed, he told her that she already had SD's mouth to feed first. My grandson has nothing to do with it... she somehow justifies having a baby because we have a baby in our house now. CRAZY PEOPLE! She's also told us, when DH took her to court on the past due support, that we are driving new cars... she doesn't because she is living within her means. I guess she thinks we should drive older cars so we won't "NEED" her money for child support.

Don't let it go because 8 weeks will turn into 8 years. BM tried to get the court to lower her support & DCSS was going to go along with it... down to ZERO. DH went to court & fought it. He won. It stays the same. $216 mo. and she is now $2500 in arrears. DH is pushing for contempt charges & just got notice from DCSS that they are going to pursue contempt charges finally!


 o
RE: Nervous

My ex is not late on paying support the title IV-D program is. It's due on the first but I don't get it until 3 days after the 15th and 3 days after the last day of the month. I called and asked, why if it's due on the first do I not get the final months payment until the beginning of the next month. I'm told, that's just how it is... It is garnished bi-monthly and even though it started on the month it was ordered, those flipping people kept one month to cushion the account (I've already posted this). So I know how you feel momof3. I believe everyone does. Yes she is 8 weeks late but are you going to be pissed and make yourself miserable or document it and use it against her at a later date? Are you really that surprised? I'm not. This is a woman that doesn't have custody of her child. I'm not one bit surprised that she continues to be this way. I just wish that you could let the car thing go. For yourself, not for me and not for her. She didn't make the right decision. She put HER needs before her son and whose to say ... Maybe she needed a car. Is it really brand new? Or is it just 'new' to her. I know the answer is I don't care but honestly people need transportation and although I don't agree with someone putting their needs before their child's needs, isn't transportation a 'need' in order to get SS and to get to and from a potential job? I'd say yes. There were MANY times in my days of struggling that I had to put the car payment, the insurance and gas before my child. I hated it but if I did not have a vehicle, I could not keep my job. I'm just pointing that out for $hits and grins. No real reason other than another point of view.
I'm just as frustrated as you because ex still has not started paying his medical reimbursement that was supposed to start in July. I don't know if it's his fault or if it's not been garnished yet. But if he noticed it wasn't garnished on July 1, then he should have contacted me and sent a check. But nope, nothing.
As far as your son. You are too defensive. Don't be. You feel like you have made the right decision for your son, you don't have to justify it. I would like to point out that yes your son is going to be angry that his dad does not want him but don't for a minute think he won't be pissed at your first. That's how it always happens. He won't be able to put his anger on BD so it will be you for a while. I would suggest you research step parent adoptions. Forums where you can get advice on telling your son. Read up on it first. I've been told by many people I know that have done this and I have a cousin who was adopted by her stepfather at birth.. The anger is real. The 'lie' to them is real. It will effect him. Most kids are told at about age 6 that they were adopted. Most people are being open and honest early on because of the outcome later in life. He will go through the 'I want to find my dad' phase when he is 18 or 19 and he can't quite figure out what is missing in his life so he thinks his dad is the answer. No he won't be mad at you when his dad rejects him but he will be mad that you lied. I hope that you work on that very soon. He is well old enough to know. If all of our kids are old enough to be subject to divorce and blended families, 11 is old enough to know he has another family out there. I would also urge you to never tell him his father Did not want him. Don't be the messenger there. Tell him how much his stepdad wanted him and leave it at that. He can find that out on his own. I do feel for you and I don't blame you for making the decision you have made. It's a hard one for sure. I don't think anyone would blame you for allowing your DS to call his stepdad daddy since he was so young. There is nothing wrong with that. He is a man and he came in to the picture at the time that a child is learning to say dada or daddy... It's almost natural. I have a niece that called her grandpa daddy because that's what her mom called him. She had to learn No that's grandpa but she started it on her own.
Your son is going to still love you and care for you and will not hate you for loving him so much that you gave him a better life. But don't wait to tell him until he is an adult. He does have a right to know the truth and he is old enough. Most kids only 1 or 2 years older than him are already experimenting in sex and drugs, this is something he is old enough for.

Good luck and big hugs to you

Imma your BM is nuts!


 o
RE: Nervous

--"The man she married stopped sending support to his daughter as soon as they moved in together. Why should I think that bm is not going to do the same. It always starts with one excuse."--

Well, guess there goes the thought he is going to be paying BM's car payments...and if he does he'd be doing it with money that should be going to his own daughter.

You do need to document and to report violations. You do need to stay on top of it...I'm not suggesting you don't. But I think you also need to put it into a place inside your head that deals with it in a non all thought consuming manner. While I get it's very 'real' and needs to be watched and handled through the proper routes, it's not good for you to worry and obsess over it 24/7. Your DH needs to take on some of the worry and actions for you by filing whatever it is that assists in getting the correct payments and in the correct manner. In my state if this BM gets x and x amount behind she'd be losing her license to drive that new car.

I've said before here that I dig in dirt when I feel like screaming. Crazy as it sounds, maybe you could swing by your local gym and slug a punching bag a few times to release pent up anger. Maybe take up power walking. Stress can eat you alive and you gotta find a way to release it. No, it won't get a deadbeat to pay any sooner, but it will help you save your sanity while you go through the process of trying to get the child his due right. If you don't have time for phyiscal activities or are too tired after a long day to do that type of thing, then pamper yourself in a long hot bath with a magazine or short story books.

Yes, you're dealing with parents that have crappy attitudes and warped priorities, but don't let them take YOU down. You have every right to feel pride in yourself for raising all the kids, for working hard everyday and providing for them...you've kept plugging away even while all the deadbeats were doing their deadbeat thing. You need to keep yourself healthy so you'll always be here for these kids.


 o
RE: Nervous

Exactly what JMT said. I was going down a very unhealthy hill. I started gaining weight uncontrollably when all of my ex drama started. I wasn't sleeping but I was still working full time, being a single mom, researching constantly on the law's and what routes we could take, visiting forums, talking to friends.. I was a mess. I went to the doctor and he said if I didn't get some sleep, with all the stress and the fast weight gain, my heart would give out and then where would my daughter be? Right with deadbeat jerk Bd and sm. So I had to get it in check. I started therapy and found ways to manage the stress. I felt like no one understood my pain. Everyone kept telling me to calm Down and take it one day at a time. I got mad at these people for 'not understanding' WHY I was so stressed. It wasn't that they didn't understand but they saw that it was eating at me and that was becoming a maniac and that it was effecting me in a negative way. I thought of literally nothing else but this situation. I had to learn to compartmentalize Bd and the situation. I only allow myself a specific time during the day to deal with Bd things like research and getting on the forums and documenting. I don't allow myself to talk to my friends or family about things until something huge happens and I wait about 30 minutes to calm myself. When I get an email from Bd that pisses me off, I move it to the Bd folder and I wait until I get home that evening to read it again and then respond. I always talk it over with my Dh before I respond as he is my anchor. This is your Dh's child and you need to be his anchor. This should not be effecting you like it would a bioparent. I know you love your SS and he is as much your son as your 'real' son is but the BM thing needs to be DH's problem. I know that it isn't that easy because you are the one working and providing but maybe your Dh needs to shoulder some more of the burden. If it doesn't bother him enough to do something (I'm not saying you have implied he doesn't care) then he needs to get a part time job or something to pick up BMs slack for not paying CS. If he doesn't do something then he is saying he is excusing her. By excusing her, then he needs to pick up the slack for her.

I hope you have a good weekend momof3. And that you can step back from this and not be so angered. Don't let what any of us say upset you. It's just opinion. Some of us have been there some of us have been on the other side. Some of us have also been on the sidelines watching what you are going through. We are here for you and just want you to take care of yourself and not let BM get to you this way. She wins when you are this upset. (((((hugs to you)))))


 o
RE: Nervous

Unfortunately some exes are not reliable or are uninvolved, some do pay on time but barely see their kids and are not involved, some are not paying at all, some pay irregularly yet are involved parents. it is a lot of stress no matter what.

i personally never had enough patience and stamina to get upset over everything with my ex yet along argue over everything. if every time he was late 2 weeks i went ballistic, I would end up in psychiatric clinic or dead by now. I have a stressful job and a lot of other things, i cannot afford going nuts over child support. I just don't have it in me, I'd rather let it go.

It seems that you are dealing with deadbeat ex on your side and unreliable ex on your DH's and it consumes your life. at least how it comes across on this forum.

i think it is acceptable if BM stops paying or is paying very irregularly for your DH to call his lawyer and see what can be done, it is really not your battle. She has to pay but you don't have to make yourself sick over it. With your ex, it is clear by now that he is not going to pay CS so I would let that go. Life is too short. Be glad both you and DH are not with those people anymore.


 o
RE: Nervous

Just an update.... BM called dh last night. She told him she had no choice but to get a job and started it this week. She said she plans to get the child support caught up in the first two pay periods. Somehow I am not confident in this. I guess when I see the payments I'll feel better, till then I don't believe it...... She can't pay, now two months worth of support, yet her dh is taking ss to a water park this week. Hmmmm, priorities. Whatever.....

Also, she told my dh that she LOVES being the noncustodial parent because now she just gets to have fun with ss. Hmmm that's nice as well, now she's a disney mom. Never going to discipline him again and is just happy she doesn't have to do homework, sports and all the stressful parts of being a parent. Now do you all see.... she really is a bad mom!


 o
RE: Nervous

"She told him she had no choice but to get a job"

that's my favorite! don't we all feel like we have no choice but to have a job to pay the bill? does she not know that's how most people operate?


 o
RE: Nervous

I don't think anyone really ever said she was 'Mom Of The Year". Now she can be little more than SS's grown up best friend (rolls eyes) and you get to rework all the issues with SS that she planted this summer...nothing like pitching parental duties off onto someone else. Meh, let her toss off her duties, the kid knows who does the day in and day out stuff. She may get to be the occassional 'fun mommy', but he knows you and Dad are the ones to have his back and do all the real parenting stuff. And you too know who does all the 'heavy work' for the child, so take some pride knowing you're more than just that "Disney Mom".

A job? Wonder what took her so long to decide it was time, maybe her unemployment benefits finally ran out. Amazing how fast she actually found a job once she decided to look for one.

So SS should be home soon? I was just in town getting some back to school things yesterday. I was grumbling over the prices for one child and we still have the 6th grade dental exam to do next week. It can't be easy doing it all for four growing boys, Mom3. You work hard for these kids, and they're lucky to have a Mom/SM (you) who cares enough to not be their best fun friend, but instead their mother. Something every kid deserves but unfortunately does not always get.


 o
RE: Nervous

PO1, she doesn't operate at all like normal people therefore I have no clue how she thinks she's supposed to pay things.

JMT, I knew she could get a job, she's capable. I know her attendance isn't always the best but she had the last job for quite some time. I also knew she made $15 per hour. Thanks to the custody battle. So she's very capable of making decent money. Also capable of paying more then $56 per week. Oh well.

SS will be home in two weeks. I am on count down. I miss him. I don't get to talk to him every Sunday like dh does. It's not fair. I haven't bought the school supplies yet... and school starts here August 16. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm sure my debit card isn't either.

Thanks for realizing I really do try so hard and want to be the best mom I can be.

Oh... and I'm VERY scared of the attitude he'll have when he comes home from being with her so long. No discipline, no chores, no eating with his mouth shut, no tooth brushing, no eating normal, no bed time, no structure what so ever, blah blah blah. Should be fun to put that back in order.


 o
RE: Nervous

SS called Dh today from his NEW cell phone. He's only had the old one for about 15 months or so.... so he's not due for an upgrade...... which means bm went out and spent a TON of money on a new one for him. We all know those aren't cheap unless it's time for an upgrade. I'm soooooo pissed!!! She still hasn't sent one dime of support in. Yet she's buying him cell phones that he DOES NOT need and taking him to water parks. OMG!!! It's called f....n priorities!! Her's are just wrong!! He needs school supplies, he needs decent shoes, he needs book fees of $123 covered, he DOES NOT need a new cell phone.

I think the only reason she bought the cell phone now is because she just started this new job and her new dh probably has to go back to work next week... so I'm willing to put money on it that they are leaving him home alone next week. (He took his old cell phone but forgot the charger) He's only 10 and he's not familiar enough yet with the area to be left home alone. Especially seeing that there is no family of hers or her husbands in the area. I asked dh if he knew if he'd be there alone or not and he did not. UGH!!! I wish I could prove it. I'm sure she's told him not to tell us.


 o
RE: Nervous

I do feel for you momof3 on everything up until the staying home alone thing. He is 10 and if she is planning on leaving him home alone, she got him a new phone. We already had the home alone thread. Many of us and our kids have stayed home or do stay home alone and it's fine. Where would he stay if he were at your house while you and Dh have to work? Does he normally go to daycare?

I know your pissed at Bm and I do understand but you wanted her to get a job and now you are complaining that she has to work and wont be home with her son.

Her priorities are messed up for sure. I'd be scared to not pay child support. I'd be scared to go to jail. We all would pay before we paid our other bills. But she isn't normal hince, she doesn't have custody. Your 7 weeks is almost over right? Grin and bare it. And don't ask SS questions when he does come home. What happens at her house happens at her house and vice versa. My Dd is going through that with her dad. Apparently they grill her constantly on our actions and the things that happen at our house and she hates it! She cries because she is so scared to get in trouble. She admitted just last night to lying to them because she was afraid the truth would Hurt me. Don't put your SS in that position to feel like he is going to have to protect his mom. What happens there, as much as you hate it needs to stay there.


 o
RE: Nervous

I did want her to get a job but she's should find someone to keep him for the final week he is there... like daycare. Or let him come home. When he is with us my ds16 stays home with them. If he isn't going to be there the kids go with my dh to work. Yes, we are lucky he has a job that allows the kids to be there... though definately not all the time. I just don't like him being home alone. Definately not 8 hours a day. And especially not in a place he doesn't know anyone. Yes, next week is her last week. Thank God!!!!

Even with the new cell phone... I don't care what she says.... the rule stands in our home that he can have it and he can use it whenever as long as we are at home. Meaning, he still can't carry it with him to school or just out and about with us. My ds11 can't... it's the rules.... they are irresponsible... ds11 is MUCH MUCH MUCH more responsible then ss but he can't carry it with him outside of the house either. So that's just a rule she'll have to live by. He can leave it on and if she calls and he sees the missed call or text .... well, it's not like your dd, myfampg.... he can call her whenever he wants.

Also.... we don't bring anything up to ss. He brings it up to us to get it off his chest... especially with her new ss. The devil kid. My ss hates him and complains to us LOTS... we just remind him to get his mom and stay on her to do something about him. We only do that because her new ss is a threat to my ss. He's like Gage from Pet Cemetary.... or one of those movies with a bad devil kid. Obviously... with what I just went through this weekend with ds16, I'm not one to sit and talk bad about the other parent and grill the kid. But when they want to talk about it I'm not going to tell them they can't.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here