Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mom

Posted by K-Doll (My Page) on
Thu, Jun 30, 11 at 14:37

Well my situation is a bit crazy. I should start off by telling you about it first before I get to the problem I am having. My husband of 2 years has three children from his previous marriage, 11 yr old boy, 9 yr old girl and 6 yr old girl. I have one from my previous marriage, 4 yr old boy. He has joint custody so we have them three out of the seven days a week and I have full custody of my son so we have the standard schedule. The bio-mom got remarried back in Dec because she was 2 months pregnant, after being with this man for maybe at most 6 moths. We all get along great and co-parenting is very simple for all of us.

I will get down to the problem that we are having, my middle SD the 9 yr old is having long crying fits after I pick them up from their mother and she seems to make herself sick and she is a big worrier. I don't know if it has something to do with being the middle child or having to share her mommy now with a new man and a baby (due July 18th 2011) or her parents not being together. This is all new for me I am 28 and went from one kid to four and five if you count my husband!! We treat all the kiddos the same and they all get the same amount of attention, we work really hard with all that because my husband was victim of a horrible divorce. He wants to make sure they don't go though what he did. Help what can I do to help her cope a little better or should I try to get her counseling? Thank you for your help!!!


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

Did anyone talk to SD about it? She is 9, at this age she should be able to convey her thoughts. Is there anyone in the family who she is closest to? Counseling is good but I woudl try first to sit her down and talk.

It is hard to suggest anything not knowing, is she crying because she worries about mom's pregnancy, does not she not want to leave her mother, etc etc

When my DD was this age she used to cry every time she could not see her dad for more than 2 weeks, he traveled for business a lot, and often could not see her as often, she did cry. Then when her brother was born (half-brother), she cried if she could not see him as often. She didn't cry because she wanted us together, she was just missing her other side of the family.

Could you talk to SD in private?


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

It could just be her personality mixed with mommy being pregnant. Mom is by no means at fault by me saying that. My Dd was 6 when I had my son. He was due in aug and she spent all of July with her dad. She cried the entire month because she was scared she would miss the baby being born. She was overprotective of me and always wanted to be right with me at all times. This was very frustrating for my ex and his gf at the time. It caused a lot of friction between us because they blamed me and I wasn't doing anything. Dd was just very close to me.

She is 10 and still cries on long visits away. We are very close and many nights away makes her home sick. I can't change that. Counseling might help but that isn't something you should do but rather suggest to you Dh and her mom for them to handle. My Dd is in therapy and the therapist had said being home sick is normal and there is nothing wrong with her. We are just very close and she isn't used to being at her dad's for long periods of time so it's an adjustment. It will take time.

I'm willing to bet that it has nothing to do with mom having a new husband (your post insinuated that you might have an issue with it; married because she was pregnant only afte 6 months... My Dh and I were engaged after 6 months so I don't put too much though into how long 'you' think is appropriate for someone else to be together before marriage; I too had a new baby soon after and was judged by ex and his wife, which my Dd picked up on, overheard comments and felt resentment towards them for it).
I bet your SD just wants to be with her mom right now and is having a difficult time adjusting when she has to leave. Is mom a stay at home mom? Does she spend a lot of time with the kids when they are with her? Sometimes when they are with one parent ALL day and then go off for the weekend, they just deal with some seperation anxiety and I think this is normal and will pass. Can sd stay with mom more instead of exercising all of the visits, at least until the baby is born? Have you talked with mom and kids about what will take place if baby comes when the kids are with you and Dh? I think it's VERY important for the kids to be available to go see new baby at the hospital. They should be the first ones of family to be notified and should be allowed to go see new baby immediately. This was a huge fear for my Dd because she didn't think she would get to see the baby if she was at her dad's which only added to her anxiety.

Good luck, sounds like you have a good co parenting situation. How does
Mom feel about 9 yr old crying and throwing fits? Does she know? Can you all sit down together and talk with sd to see what is going on with her?


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

My DD is 23 and although of course she is not hysterically crying all the time, she is crying very bad when I am leaving. That's of course different, it is not weekly occurrence. But for a 9-year-old it could be the same emotion as my DD having seeing me few times a year.

myfamp i think they have joint custody, half a week here, half there. It is not like she lives with mom and dad has visitations.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

It doesn't matter PO1 what kind of schedule. The kid is going through some seperation anxiety from mom regardless of how often she is away normally. My ex and I have joint custody and he has her during the week and extended long weekends every other weekend. She still has anxiety from it. It is likely just a phase which may be from mom being pregnant. It might be something going on at either house that could be trivial. Maybe she is having a hard time adjusting to different routines. Maybe she is a tad bit hormonal. I started noticing Dd being a 'cry at the drop of a hat' kid at 9 and I think it has to do with impending puberty. My advice does not change because of joint custody, visitation length or custodial status. Even if Bm and Bd share custody, I'm willing to bet, one is primary and one is possessory which is what we have. My Dd 'Lives' at both homes but considers my house 'her' home even though both are legally considered her home.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio wo

Also... It is not listed in our order as 'visitation'. Courts are getting away from that and calling it 'access'. We both have 'these times of primary access'. Not a visitation schedule. I don't think it matters if it's visitation or access, it's the child's seperation from mom during the beginning of dad's 'access'.

OP does sd stop crying after an hour? Does she adjus well to the remainder of her time with you and Dh?
Don't be surprised if when baby gets here it's still hard on her. My Dd did not want to leave for anything, dad's, school, activities when baby brother was born. She wanted to be with him all the time in the beginning.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

oh I know myfam, kid could have separation problems no matter what. just commenting that she is half of the week with dad, half with mom. You suggested she stays with mom and dad does not exercise all the visits at this time. she does not visit dad though, she lives there. That's not the same as living with mom, and visiting dad no matter how often.

i am surprised to her you have joint custody, i thought you said you have full custody and dad has no custody at all just visitations. maybe that's changed.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access.
Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month.
As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records.

With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer.

Does that make sense?


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

Myfam, I have something similar, but the name is a little different. I have Joint Legal custody but I have Primary Physical Custody. I honestly forget the nitty-gritty but everything is S P E L L E D out in the divorce decree. Thankfully we work well together so we don't have to revisit it.

It's practically impossible to get Sole Custody unless the parent absolutely does not want the child and the other parent absolves them of any responsibility.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

not impossible :)

Hubby and BM share 3 children

Hubby has sole legal and physical custody of the 2 boys.
BM has sole legal and physical custody of SD.

Not that it matters ... 3 years later 50/50 split on visitation 84 hours a week at each home!


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

I think each state has their own verbiage of how they call it. When we divorced we were called managing conservator (me, primary residence on legal documents, I hold birth certificate, passport, social security card and the right to claim child on taxes, I also receive child support which I can disperse payments, I am also financially responsible for paying all child care even if used on BD's days). He was possessory conservator. Meaning he has possession rights. I hate the word possession when speaking of children. Now that we have new orders, we are called joint conservators and our rights are outlined individually as to what they are. Basically the same as above.

In MY state it is extremely difficult to get sole legal custody. The other parent would have NO legal rights. I tried and my attorney flat out said the only way to get it would be of he is convicted of a felony, convicted of child abuse or convicted on drug charges. Bd doesn't break laws so I have no chance.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

I think each state has their own verbiage of how they call it. When we divorced we were called managing conservator (me, primary residence on legal documents, I hold birth certificate, passport, social security card and the right to claim child on taxes, I also receive child support which I can disperse payments, I am also financially responsible for paying all child care even if used on BD's days). He was possessory conservator. Meaning he has possession rights. I hate the word possession when speaking of children. Now that we have new orders, we are called joint conservators and our rights are outlined individually as to what they are. Basically the same as above.

In MY state it is extremely difficult to get sole legal custody. The other parent would have NO legal rights. I tried and my attorney flat out said the only way to get it would be of he is convicted of a felony, convicted of child abuse or convicted on drug charges. Bd doesn't break laws so I have no chance.


 o
RE: My 9yr old SD has hr long crying fits for her pregnant bio-mo

There are plenty of people who have sole custody of their children, I know people, and it does not mean the other parent does not want the child, the other parent sees the child and often very often, just don't have custody (see pseudo's). it is neither good nor bad, it is just different in each situation in different states, countries and families.

also I believe concept of where a child actually lives is very tricky to determine, unless we are talking about situation like lovehadley's where SS LIVES in both houses, children live in one home and visit the other.

In my opinion if a child is during the whole week in mom's home, attending school there and resides there (with the exception of one night a week when she/he goes to dads) and then goes to dads every other weekend then it means that child lives with mom and visits dad.

If I go visit my parents one night a week and then see them every other weekend, it does not mean I live with them. But people could call their situation the way they see fit.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here