Am I reading this wrong?

14 years ago

The situation with my SS is sad. He determined long ago how to manipulate his mom and has wormed himself into a life of non accomplishment. Now at 19 he is entering the real world at a huge deficit. Now DW knows she has made his situation worse by babying him but I do not think she grasps how much she does so. Case in point.

Yesterday SS and I got into a verbal bout over a chore he failed to accomplish for the 3rd time over a period of about 2 weeks. The 19 y/o male left the house and refused to come home because "he was tired of being yelled at" (as he told his mom). So I get the cold treatment from the DW. I ask her, "what would you have done?"

So she says, "first off I would not have asked him to do something he has not done by himself before".

Stop right there and think about that comment.

Do you think I asked the 19 y/o healthy male to rebuild the engine in the Subaru? Maybe I asked him to paint the trim on the house or install a garage door opener? The chore in question was to bury a 1/2 inch sprinkler line in the dirt. This was not 32 feet of 1/2 inch sprinkler line that needed to be buried. This was about 15 inches of 1/2 inch sprinkler line that needed to be reburied. All he needed to do was to dig a little tiny ditch and bury a 1/2 inch sprinkler line. I ended up doing it. It took 10 minutes and a screw driver (used for digging).

Am I off base? Does DW not see how much she allows this kid ( young man) to milk her sympathy? The other end of that conversation had to be: "But Mom I never did that before and did not know what to do and the mean Man YELLED at me".

Comments (18)

lovehadley
14 years ago
I don't know. I am 28 years old and would not have a clue how to bury a sprinkler line.

Then again, I am just not the "yardwork" kind of girl. I like to cook and clean, do laundry, etc. (well, not LIKE, but these are things I feel I AM good at.) When it comes to yardwork/manual labor I am just not so good.

Did you show SS how to do it, or explain to him how to do it? I can understand him not knowing what to do---but it does sound like maybe he is using that as an excuse to simply get out of doing it.
finedreams
14 years ago
My nephew is this way, he got a bit better lately, now when there are no jobs available my brother pays him to do yard work. You are not off base unless he legitimatelly does not know hot od it (in this case you could show him) he needs to be able to do it. he is just lazy. is he in college?
Related Discussions
Think I am doing everything wrong, what should I do?
Q
Comments (3)
If it ain't broke don't fix it. Few people are using spot lights so what we say for lights doesn't necessarily apply to you, and nearness to windows, walls, and even the color of your furniture and carpet make a difference.
...See More
Kitting help!
Q
Comments (6)
Are you using Sashay yarn, the yarn you "open up" & what we found easy is to use bamboo knitting needles(actually I complained they were too long) size 9Girlfriend fixed that since sharp on both ends she cut through right in center of each 1 & smoothed the cut & glued about 1/4 in into a small spool) come in pkg at Joanne's or Michael's the unpainted spools are for making spool dolls-legs & arms. this is the 1 inch long size) glue cut end of needle into spool & do the 2nd one so you have a set. So nice in my hands & nothing gets 'caught" Aluminum needles the yarn slips off of. I got very unset with them & that is when GF tried the bamboo. So much better & easier. Have a cork with hole in it to put on end of work should you put it down or you will lose stitches, or a little thing they sell can be used, looks almost like pencil topper. Step 1 tie a very tight knot in end of yarn then OPEN up at least a couple of feet of yarn. Look at it carefully, the more filled in side is NOT worked so step 2 put on a loop skip 1 loop & pull up 2nd loop, continue until you have 6 to 8 loops on needle(6 will be little thinner than 8) When desired number of loops on needle grab your 2nd needle & hold it in other hand like you are crossing them with the 2nd needle behind the original 1 & slide it under 1st stitch on needle & pick up 2nd loop from needles & side it under the 1 original needle & off so you have 1 stitch on 2nd needle, continue until all stitches are on same needle & start over. Make as long as you like & then your last 6-8 stitches you will cast off which means you will get 2 stitches on 2nd needle & slide the 1 closest to spool over top of other stitch to cast off leaving 1 stitch on 2nd needle & do that until you have 1 loop left on 2nd needle, hang on to that or whole thing can go!!! take the remaining yarn(try not to have it opened up when you are near the end or else twist it back together while holding onto that needle with 1 stitch on it cut 5 in so have enough to tie knot &,pull the yarn through & knot tightly & pull up through the scarf a couple of rows so people don't sit & fiddle with it when wearing it or it could come untied & unravel. Hope this helps. You can use whatever needles you have but I just told you all my little secrets! So have fun with it .If you are smart you will finish a row & put cork on as you can drop stitches or lose them all together. Easy to fix but would be kind of hard to explain on here. Jan
...See More
HVAC Load Calcs - novice homeowner
Q
Comments (43)
Happy to see this subject brought up although I'm sure most building new, didn't make it this far. I think the OP got "shorted" but no worse than most building new in this current building climate. With such a hot market one has to be careful they don't spook the best or only opportunities. I think it's important to get a 2 stage system as a minimum. Getting a properly sized system is much like getting a building envelope to perform at current levels of international energy code. For most people, the best chance is to hire a design and building team who already understand the details from past projects. At this stage of the game it's often too late. Ductwork in a vented attic or low levels of roof deck insulation can effect cooling loads as much as western windows depending on the details. Martin Holladay has the best articles on this topic. Calculating cooling loads and When do I need to perform a load calculation? are free while Who can perform my load calculation? is behind the paywall but relevant here. When builders get experienced with a particular plan, the need for load calcs diminish. For custom designs costing hundreds of thousands, using a third party to help with design, sizing and commissioning can be a wise investment. Some architects and builders include this with their services. Energy Star is the most common way to achieve a better level of verified performance. This goes beyond energy use to include comfort, indoor air quality and durability. The program ensures bath vent fans, outdoor air ventilation systems and kitchen vent hoods are installed properly. With a reported energy savings of $300 a year, simple paybacks are reasonable. Not all HERS raters do load calcs but most can point you in the right direction. If you only care about HVAC system design, hiring the right 3rd party can help. If building in the south, try Allison Bailes with Energy Vangaurd. He has influenced the need for better rules of thumb, like 1 ton per 1000 sqft for homes that meet international levels of energy code. This can be useful when comparing results to what the HVAC contractor wants which is typically closer to 1 ton per 500 sqft. I find HVAC contractors more willing to install smaller systems when they have stamped letters from a mechanical engineer, which in our case is the HERS rater.
...See More
Why Do I Grow Salads? What Am I Doing Wrong?
Q
Comments (8)
Everybody talks about too much N. Let's discuss too much N. In the gardens, I toss organics, and feed weekly with my own mix (mostly urea) at a rate of 0.25 pounds of N per week per thousand square feet. It's a grand total of well over 2 pounds N per month, or far beyond the recommendation. The pots...succulents, perennials, and bulbs are treated rather gently and with organic feeding. Annuals I feed the absolute heck out of. Miracle-Gro plus organics every two weeks. Plus some other stuff I throw in, like some extra urea. And kelp. The result of "too much" N is a lot of blooms--just on gigantic plants (photo below of a strictly average year, August 10th). The difference here is that I've had the soil tested, balanced the garden soil to a decent pH of 6.3 (with a proper calcium-magnesium-potassium ratio, or, don't use a home test which tells you exactly nothing about the right balance), set the phosphorus levels high and balanced other resources high to compensate for phosphorus antagonism, etc. It's not everybody's cup of tea, and some plants absolutely do object to too much N. But...most don't. And in the past, petunias, lantanas, have all been amongst those in my garden that haven't. Actually, ask me about the three foot tall lantana with the tap root I couldn't get out for two years. Gorgeous. Sturdy. Never repeated.
...See More
kkny
14 years ago
I suspect there are many other issues -- but I wouldnt have know how to bury. I would have asked how deep, what do I use, are there any gas lines here, how wide a cut do I make in the grass? do I put sod back, do I water afterwards. Its tough to start with a 19YO. When you start with younger, like 10, it starts with watch me (which they are more than willing to do), then help me, then go do.
ceph
14 years ago
I know how to bury a sprinkler line.... And if I didn't know, I'd ask!

I think the issue is that your DW enables SS to not take action, not that SS is an inherently terrible person.
So, maybe a happy medium for you would be to say "Hey, SS, please bury the sprinkler line. Have you ever done it before? No? OK, it's really easy, I'll show you." and then leave him to the task once you put the trowel in his hand and showed him how deep to dig.

It's frustrating when your spouse doesn't see eye to eye with you on child-rearing, hey?
wallypog
Original Author
14 years ago
I have been with this youngster for 5 years. Anything he does not want to do is conveniently beyond his ability. His Mom found him a high school where he did not have to do homework (as in NONE). This little project was maybe a 3 inch deep hole about 18 inches long (in dirt, no lawn to deal with) and I was there the entire time if that was too confusing. Rakes are just as confounding, as are brooms. And, yes, he had actually done it before.

But give the guy a Playstation 3 and he can hook it up and program it into a 5/1, A/V rig. He is real smart when he wants to be.
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
Good can he tell me how to secure my wireless network ... i do not have any instructions for the router and it has a passcode on it that I cannot remember !!! (ha)
kkny
14 years ago
I dont know where you live, but where I live, there are "geek squad" people -- I think run out of bestbuy -- if he is qualified, why not suggest he try there for a job.
tilly300
14 years ago
I agree with wallypog... this has nothing to do with not knowing how to bury a sprinkler line (who doesn't know how to bury something in the dirt??). It sounds like he is just being lazy... and I am sure that if there was something that HE wanted done, he would find a way to do it (e.g. connecting the playstation!).
sweeby
14 years ago
For what it's worth, I've found holding the computer mouse hostage to be a very effective motivator.
Of course if your son has a laptop and you have wireless Internet, your leverage is limited...

Sure, he could figure out how to bury a sprinkler line if he wanted to --
but he doesn't.
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
not if you take the router to work with you :)

thats what I do when I say no internet ... the router and wires come with me.
imamommy
14 years ago
Yes, the portable router!

Disciplining kids of today has become interesting.... they are instructed on how to call CPS on their parents from an early age... the parents indulge them with computers, ipods, game systems and fancy cell phones...

then we wonder why they don't want to cut the grass or bury a sprinkler line!

I had to bring home a few moving boxes and box tape one time so my son would get the message that if his room was not clean ASAP, he was moving out... and I was helping him!

When he was on the family cell plan, I could suspend his phone from their website... you want your phone? when the grass is cut!

I don't like taking the blame for it, but they were raised by an inconsistent mother in a world of over indulgence and electronic gadgets... their world is so different from the one I grew up in! (and so is parenting!)
steppschild
14 years ago
If a cat can figure out how to bury a turd, then I think this kid can figure out how to bury 15" of a sprinkler pipe!
wild_thing
14 years ago
Lazy lazy lazy!
Do you suppose that skids just use there "situation" to be more lazy than they really should be? I mean there are times that every kids is lazy and doesn't want to do something for some reason or another, but it sure would seem like some skids use their "broken family" status as a crutch to be lazy, unmotivated, and the whole "poor me" attitude to its fullest. Oh! and to blame others for everything under the sun. That sh*t gets old real fast!

Burying a sprinkler sure isn't rocket science. No where near.... and we constantly tell our kids...if you don't understand something, then ask!!!!!
organic_maria
14 years ago
Yup i agree! LAAAAAAAAAAAZY!!!! and i'm sure the touch of attitude, you can't tell me what to do ! I'm going to complain to mommy!!! GROW UP!
Hay, there is a little thing called googling when someone doens't know somethign to find out.:)

Yes, disciplining kids these days is complex because its not like it use to be. BUT my hubby and i stand firm. No cell phones for the kids. ABSOLUTELY NOT! games are privilages...i can take it apart and place it in the closet. etc..etc..NO ipods. No electronic expensive gizmoze...sorry, get a job and get it yourself.
finedreams
14 years ago
they qickly learn how to do XYZ when they are on their own. i had hard time making DD do chores beyond the very basic ones, now when she on her own she does everything nicely, she even cooks, and actually yelled at me for not putting stuff away in her apartment when i visit and not recycling properly (she recycles everything). LOL no more: CLEAN YOUR ROOM. haha
sweeby
14 years ago
Fabulous Gerina!
wallypog
Original Author
14 years ago
Thanks for the feedback. I have no doubt that the kid is lazy, etc. He has a constellation of wonderful things he does to push my buttons. My frustration is with the Mrs. If the boy can't come up with any excuse to not do something then she actually helps him find one.
wild_thing
14 years ago
wallypog, that is too bad about your wife aiding in his button pushing of you. I don't think I could stick around in a situation like that. Someone would get hurt lol.

Am I reading this wrong?

Comments (18)

lovehadley

finedreams

Related Discussions

kkny

ceph

wallypog
Original Author

pseudo_mom

kkny

tilly300

sweeby

pseudo_mom

imamommy

steppschild

wild_thing

organic_maria

finedreams

sweeby

wallypog
Original Author

wild_thing

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Am I reading this wrong?

Comments (18)

Related Discussions

wallypogOriginal Author

wallypogOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

wallypog
Original Author

wallypog
Original Author