I have two step-children.... 4 and 6. Their Bio Mom is still around. It's joint physical custody. The kids are here just as much as they are there, although sometimes Bio Mom likes to take her trips and live her social life and she often let's the kids slip as her number one priority. She is an involved Mother, just not as much as she should be. My husband is a great Father......NOW. He was horrible when we first met. I had to come in there and lay down the law. The kids were getting away with murder and not respecting adults. I helped him to see that and much of the excellent behavior these kids display, can be attributed to me and my efforts. My husband loves his kids, but even he is not as involved as he should be. I really do everything. I fill their shoes A LOT. Recently, I have put my foot down and I've told them, YOU NEED TO DO THIS, THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS, STAY HOME WITH YOUR KIDS ETC. They respond well to it. My husband is supportive of me...and so is his ex. We are actually all friends...and we work together really well. But I just feel sometimes that my role is too strong, but we all placed myself here in the beginning.... I've been a strong influence/parent from the start. Once you take on all that responsibility and become a huge role in the kids' lives, even if you realize it's too much, how can you really stop without hurting the great relationship you have with the kids? If I pull back, the kids know it and they feel rejected by me. So I feel stuck in this HUGE role forever... I don't mind it very much at all, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. As I wrote above, I put my foot down a lot. Recently I yelled an emphatic NO! We've changed the schedule to accomodate my time and Bio Mom knows I do a lot....and that I am often put in the middle of her and my husband. She and I are true ALPHA females...we have a lot in common. When she was married to my husband she was the boss. That is the same in our house. I run it... he makes the money, but I run the house and our life... SO when it comes to planning for the kids, his ex and I directly work together. He is just informed once we have reached a decision. This way has always worked better for me because I then get to make the decisions....and don't feel like I'm having to adjust to her requests coming through my husband. If we work on a schedule and set it up a certain way I feel more willing to do it...then if my husband set it up with her. It's easier...and feels less threatening and controlling. Not only that, she and I work together better. We communicate better.... Those two are horrible. They are night and day. If they planned things together, the kids would be lost....and dressed in pajamas for school. SO basically, what I am trying to say and going off on a tangine with, is that life has been set up in a way that makes me totally accountable and responsible for the kids....more than perhaps most stepparents. I don't think it can change. As long as I have the strength to communicate my limitations or express when I think it is too much, it should be okay. My major concern in all of this, will be how the kids feel. We are close and enjoy our time together...and I am very much their Mother...not BIO MOM of course, but no different from her and her role. However, I've sensed a pulling back lately, as I pull back. I think the kids feel like I don't want them... It's so hard sometimes because as much as I love them, there are times I could do without them.... I think they are starting to sense that feeling, even though I don't directly show that to them...somehow they are sensing it. I don't know how to comfort them and help them to realize that it's not an evil thing, it's justified....but doesn't mean I don't love them. I also think that they sometimes wish they had both of their parents taking care of them.... When they want their Dad, they may not say it, but feel it, AND they get me instead. I think they are getting smarter and figuring things out and experiencing some new emotions. I know I threw out a huge question to everyone. I think I sent it out when I felt pressured by my role for the day.. Today my role is fine...but perhaps two days ago it was a lot! Every day is a different day... It's amazing how your attitude can change from day to day as a stepparent. I wish there was more consistency in this life. Anyway, I just want the kids to be happy...but I just sense some tough things on the rise. It seems to come in cycles..when we first met, it was really hard. Although the kids were nice to me, they displayed anger to their Dad...mainly the 6 yr old, he was 4 at the time. Things calm down, the kids adjust and then one day they say something, things get quiet, they adjust, someone gets angry at something or doesn't listen, they say they get tired of going back and forth, and through everything, they have not pulled back with me... But lately they have...and I think it is because I pulled back the time I put in with them...and my other priorities replaced them temporarily. It sucks for a stepparent because if you do something that upsets the kids, or if you are not there when they need you....you have to work twice as hard to get it back, while Bio Mom checks out for a week and never calls and when she walks through the door, she is Heaven on Earth!! SO unfair. How can you prevent your steppchildren from sensing that they are not wanted one day? I guess you just have to suck it up and pretend you are happy to see them, when you don't even care? I'm rambeling, but I see things are changing...and I'm worried. I don't want to lose what I have with them...it's a great, loving relationship... One of these days, they will see things clearly and I'm so afraid they'll hate me, and all this time I put in, will be for nothing... And my marriage will suffer and life will just plain suck!

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

No one, male or female, should go on to have a second family if it means he or she would not be able to support the first family. I don't understand what being self-sufficient before marriage has to do with being able to support your entire household as a single parent a quarter of a century later, after having been out of the workforce for years. I was self-sufficient before WE had children. WE decided that I would work part-time, and later be a SAHM. I will never be able to achieve the income (in today's money) that I had before I stopped working - not with the gap in work history and, even more importantly, my age. Funny thing is that when my exH was unemployed, the magistrate told him that he was too old to expect ever to get another job (even my xH looked horrified at that statement) - and then the magistrate told me that supporting our children was primarily MY responsibility. My exH is only a few years older than I am. Apparently women are never too old to work, but men are. mom_of_four, I did not actually use the phrase "real family" - I said "real spouse" and "real son/daughter-in-law." An OW/OM is not one of these. lonepiper, I am not going to argue Christian theology with you, since the only part of the Bible I ever read was the old testament for high school English Lit (I still don't know why it was considered appropriate for a public school English Lit class, but that's beside the point). However, not one, but two different posters who said they were Christians told me that, and I agree with the statement, whether or not it is an accurate representation of what is stated somewhere in the new testament.

Sweeby and the others said it very well. As a MOM, I completely understand that innate desire to protect your own. My DD7 came home from school last week all sad because her "best friend" wasn't her best friend anymore. She said her friend would not let her play with her and a group of other girls at recess. AUUGHHH. It broke my heart. :( Today, however, everything is all a-ok again. So--your situation is obviously more serious and your DS is dealing with some very real and serious issues; I'm not trying to compare what he's going through to playground spats. I just meant I understand that "mama bear" instinct. The first thought I had is that this has all been very fast for your son. You and dad have been divorced for less than a year? And dad is already remarried? That's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone a 7 yr old. Is he in any counseling? I think a sit-down with dad is definitely in order. Honestly, your son would be strange if he DIDN'T have any feelings/issues about all that's happened and all that's changed. But I would also urge you to take it slow and wait and see how things unfold. The version you are getting from your son may not be accurate. Sure, it may be how HE perceives things to be, but kids' perception is often skewed, particularly when they are working through emotional issues. My SS is 7 and my DD is also 7. We've been together since they were not even 2, and lived together since they were 4ish. But even NOW, after all this time, SS will go to his BM's house and say one thing. It's usually some unjust he feels---ie, Dad sent him to time-out and not DD, or DD didn't have to eat all her veggies, and he did. ETC. While there is usually a GRAIN of truth in what he says, he often, as kids do, will neglect to tell the whole story. DD didn't have to finish her carrots because she ate her whole first helping and asked for seconds. Dad told SS and DD to stop doing ________ and DD listened. SS continued to do whatever it was and THAT'S why he went to time-out. ETC. I would proceed slowly and speak with your DH about what your son's been saying. Always keep a CLEAR line of communication with your ex and make sure your son knows that you two will talk regularly and freely. The more open you are with each other, the less likely it is that your son will manipulate the situation. I'm not saying for sure that's what's going on here....but it could be.