- When you see another person for the first time in the morning, you say "Good morning" and make eye contact. Every day. Every person.

- When you walk into a room that has another person in it, you say "Hi" and briefly make eye contact. Every day. Every person.

- When you leave the house, you track down at least one adult and tell them you are leaving. Every time you leave the house/yard.

- Common courtesy is expected FROM all people TO all people AT ALL TIMES.

- Dirty dishes go into the dishwasher. The person who makes the dish dirty loads it into the dishwasher.

- You will do additional laundry on XX day at XX time, and will wash whatever is in the laundry room at that time. Otherwise, the person who wears the clothes does the laundry.

- Meals are served [when, where]. If he does not like the meal that is being served ____.

- Curfew is ____ on school nights; ____ on weekends. If for whatever reason he realizes he will not be able to make it home on time, he must call in advance to let you know he is safe.

- Driving priveledges are___. To be allowed to drive your car, he must do [grades, chores, tickets, etc.].

Keep it short, keep it simple. Then when the basics are in place, up the ante.

And thus here's where I see the next potential Big Problem. Let's say you & your husband get your SS to do all chores expected always on time and perfectly done, and you also succeed in getting him to spit out the requisite "good morning"'s or "why, thank you"'s. Is that going to be enough? Try to imagine the situation and ask yourself honestly. What if you get all the little verbal niceties ---each & every time he enters or exits the room, even--- and he still doesn't want to talk to you beyond that, and/or still just doesn't like you. Most likely, you're going to be able to tell. But then how do you handle it? Because at this point, you're not going to have anything you can really complain about, since he's doing everything you have asked. What will be next?

OOPS! That sounded a little harsh? I forgt what board I was on.

If at all possible, try to determine what if any reason the SK's may have to be so uncommunicative. Figure out if it's personal against you or just the way they are with most adults. Figure out if they're still having adjustment issues from their parents' divorce. Ask yourself if there's anything you might be doing that they could conceivably find overbearing and recoil from. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe it's not the way YOU are in the blended family but a resentment on the SK's part about how their father relates to them since you came along. Try to find out what's behind it. Make few changes that may be within your power, but also accept that it might not be in anyone's total control how they feel about you.

...it seems that OP's SS does not talk to her at all not even saying thanks or anything, so this is more than just who says "hi" first. plus he is the same way with his stepfather. if let's he does not like SM (not good enough excuse for being rude) but he does not like stepdad either? Skid just thinks that if parents got divorced, he does not need to show good manners. i don't think so.

I hope this helps. You are not alone. Some adult stepkids can be rude and inconsiderate. I have seen it and lived it. I believe it comes from the bio parents not wanting to upset their children (divorce guilt) which in turn turns them into rude adults. It also can come from the children feeling they shouldn't be good to their stepmom/stepdad because it is like slapping the bio mom or bio dad in the face. Also, in my situation bio mom had alot of influence and made her kids feel like they could not be friends with me. I could give examples but that would be another long post.
Hang in there. Remember it is not you. It has to do with divorce guilt issues and stepkid loyalty issues. Stepparents have to have broad shoulders for all the issues they have to deal with. It is hard.

If my DD would be rude to SM, I hope that my X would tell her to stop it right there. parents' divorce is not an excuse to be obnoxious. And I have hard time understanding when 22-year-old grown people are allowed to act like children. If they want to run out and cry then maybe next time they run out, he should lock the door so they will end up crying somewhere else. When i was 22, i was on my own raising a family.

No doubt that there are probably plenty of situations where those reasons are the primary causes. However, it also sometimes happens that the SP treats the SK's in an abusive manner, from which they would naturally recoil. Anyone would. Not at all suggesting that this is the case with OP, or anyone on here in particular. But just to point out that there DO EXIST some SP's who do not treat their stepchildren kindly ---who are in fact exceptionally rude to *them*-- and therefore don't EARN respect from them. Being outside of any of these situations, it's impossible to tell which is which. But if, let's say, there was actually soem scientific litmus test that would "prove", somehow, on paper, that a step-parent was ill-treating a step-child, I hope no one on here would still insist that the step-child jump through a bunch of hoops beyond the most basic cordial displays of civility, let alone ACTUALLY RESPECT that step-parent.

I'm just sayin': there are all kinds of people, and all kinds of combinations in these situations. Sometimes the lines of who's fault it is, or who should defer to whom, or even what outward behaviors constitute sufficient "respect", and in what contexts, can be exceptionally blurry. Thats what makes all this so hard...

Thanks

From others' experiences that I've heard about: up to and including physical or sexual abuse... or Sieryn's situation: out-and-out taking of property and attempt to imbricate step-child into one's own petty fraud schemes.

None of the above merits any respect whatsoever.

Here's a quick one for ya Colleen: My Fathers 'quick' remarriage. His new wife gave us wrong directions to the church for their wedding. Then commented to me at her reception 'well I didn't think that YOU would show up HERE'.

Everyone has their cranky moments, and everyone can be inconsiderate from time to time, so there's a certain amount of "turn the other cheek" that we all have to do in life... but everyone has a breaking point where they just can't (and shouldn't) do it anymore. Depending on the situation, it can be SP or SC that is too rude/inconsiderate/malicious/etc for the other to tolerate it anymore...
There are crappy SPs and crappy SCs. There are good SPs and good SCs. Just because Serenity has a crappy SM, doesn't mean that all SMs are awful or that all SCs are good.

Of course if SM is horrible, it is a different story. But when SKs are grown and not disabled and stepparents are awful, SKs don't need to live there. Sieryn's SM is evil, absolutelly evil, but sieryn stays away, she does not attempt to live in the same household, make her SM to do things for her, serve her hand and foot, pay her bills and then complain. Right?

If OP's SS hates her that much, he is welcome to leave. Oh wait... he hates stepfather too. how strange... both stepparents "maybe" are disrespecting SS. "Poor SS". Somehting does not add up.

The more you try to clamp down, the more you're going to get into a battle over semantics. (Does "hey" count? What about "What's up?")

You are choosing to have an adult live with you and it's his house, too. Maybe he doesn't feel like being social. He's not a child any more and you can't treat him like one. So either tolerate the adult he is or send him out on his own.

The whole situation was awful. I caught her sticking out her tongue and making faces at me on numerous occasions; for no reason too. I could be cooking dinner and turning around to get something and boom catching her in the act. It escalated to the point of her calling me an FB and stomping out of the room because of a conversation I was having with her sister. I told BF he had better talk to her because I was going to light into her. He was so angry that he blew-up at both girls - the youngest did nothing to deserve his anger. After that the youngest would only speak to me when her sister wasn't around. I guess she felt like she was otherwise disloyal. About two mos later I came home from work early and found the older one using something of mine w/o asking. I said something to the effect that you really need to ask first and she again left in a huff.

I told BF that I felt it would be best for me to move out because I had had enough. He was furious, called a family meeting, yelled at them and accused me of wanting to bale on him (again youngest on did nothing wrong). I told them that I realized how hard it must have been for them to have another person share their space, but it wasn't easy for me either. I was used to living alone and having things kept a certain way. I told them that they didn't have to like me, but they had to at the very least respect my property, but I felt that I should move. The older one, then 22, said no don't - I plan on moving out with my boyfriend in a couple of months.

She did move out and everything was so much more relaxed in the house. Everyone got along well and it was like a regular family, unless oldest stopped by. Then I would get the cold shoulder from youngest again. Seven weeks ago the now 24 year-old moved back in with us. She has grown up a bit and part of the time exercises common courtesy's, but I can't wait for her to move out again. Her BF and I were/are planning to elope this fall prior to her coming back here. I hope she accepts that her BF has a life too.

As an aside, I'm not saying that I was perfect in this, as I am sure that I came across as nagging and stringent. I've been poor, put myself through school, started my own business and worked hard for everything I have. I've done without and take nothing I own for granted. I expected the same from others and I probably came on too strong.

I know from what I went through that I was never mean, rude, or disrespectful to my SKs. They were mean, rude and disrespectful to me. When DH asked the SKs about their behavior towards me they said it didn't matter who I would have been they would of done the same things to who ever married their dad.

It has just been recently after 8 years that I have started to ignore them (being rude). It seems this has started to make them come around and be nicer to me. It is so out of my character to be this way but it has helped me to sheild myself from the SKs rudeness.

I agree there are many types of step family relationships. However, from the OP topic I do not think lucy has been disrespectful to her SS. It appears SS is being rude and needs to be set straight by his Dad or move out.

We should trully distinguish between children and grown ups.

I did not want to live with my parents, they are nice, but I just did not want. So I didn't.

If these grown children choose to stay wiht parents, they should be decent. If they don't like staying with parents, they should move. They cannot have both: rip benefits of staying in parents house in adulthood but be obnoxious at the same time. You don't like SM or SF? Move.

I too wanted to say that being ignored is hurtful. I have also taken to ignoring the SK's out of my own best interest and sanity, although it sometimes makes me feel petty and passive aggressive to dish it back instead of rise above. It would be nice if this SS would treat you better, but it sounds like he has some issues that are unfortunately transfered onto you. Focus on yourself and your husband.

In the real world you need to acknowledge everyone if you want to be successful. Being social is a skill that must be practiced - and some need more repetition that others to get it right.

My 12 y/o SS is the same way - he won't acknowledge me half time. At first I was quite offended by it. But I noticed he is this way with 90% of the adults he comes in contact with. There is no eye contact on his part. Never once have I heard him ask me, or anyone else, "How are you?". It's like he doesn't give a hoot how anyone else is. Yeah, well, good luck in the real world with that attitude.

I've tried being extra outgoing with my SS, talking to him and trying to get him to open up to me. I've also tried the ignoring approach. Neither seem to make a difference. He's off on his own planet, regardless.

I have brought this up to my DH many times. He tells me "Oh, he's shy. He's just laid back." I've stressed that I think we should work with my SS, to help hone is social skills. My advice is ignored. All I can do it try!

A pattern has developed for the past 4 years with this young man, and perhaps much longer. Since it was not addressed or resolved initially, it will always be a sore point in your home.

You could yell, threaten, or issue the 10 commandments of household behavior, but it's not likely to do any good. This young man has your number and his step-dad's as well.
He has gotten away with this for far too long, and he never faced any consequences for it.

The biggest problem are both bio-parents. They are the enablers in this scenario, and one or both of them will continue to enable this young man.

He is not a "boy" anymore. He is a young man headed for trouble because of his disrespectful attitude towards authority figures. He will be learning some very hard lessons in life.

You need to talk to your husband privately about not letting this young man live with you. If you don't, his rude behavior will be a daily ritual at your house for the next four years or longer. Are you prepared for that?

There are thirteen year old boys at my church who reach out and say hello at my church to fellow parishoners. They even make an effort at conversation. So, I don't buy the "it's just normal teenage behavior" cop-out argument for all inconsiderate actions by 13-19 year olds.

The young man you have described is way too immature to go to college. He may even have a severe personality disorder. So, going to college right now would be a waste of everyone's time and money.

He needs to grow up and the best way for him to do this is for him to get and hold a job. He needs to do this for a year, before thinking about college. Otherwise, he will just fail his first semester and never go back. Then he will be reluctant to try anything - including work.

The dad needs to handle this situation himself. He should tell the young man that he needs to grow up, be respectful of others, and work and save.

The dad needs to agree that the son should not live with you. He will either have to move in with friends and pay his own way, or continue to live with his mom and pay her rent.

Your husband cannot dump this problem on you to try and fix. If he does, you both will need counseling.

Stand firm. You need to come first now after four years of this nightmare.

On another topic, I think far too many extroverts think everyone should be just like them. There is nothing inherently better about being the kind of teenager who talks to perfect strangers. I'd much rather live with a quiet, reserved teenager than an obnoxious, loud one.

Your husband was wrong to agree to let him move in with you without consulting you or considering your feelings.
I think that you need to work on a timeframe for getting the son on his own. This is not fair to you.

What is he not doing to prepare for college? Does he even want to go? How much of an effort is he going to make if he is not doing the things he needs to do right now? What will happen if he flunks out or drops out? These are just a few things to consider.

I personally would not want my son or daughter to go to college right away if they had to be told what they needed to do, and then they just didn't do it.

However, the young man you described may not be just shy or reserved. After four years, he seems to be still pretending that you don't exist. Only you can determine if that is the case. If so, then some family counselling is long overdue. If it is a personality disorder, then it will continue unless it is treated.

You shouldn't have to suffer alone anymore. Please find a counselor and let us know how it goes. Good luck!

Other than financial aid and health insurance, are you aware of any other reasons for not waiting?

You're welcome. Financial aid and health insurance are the major negatives associated with waiting a year. Sometimes kids can get accepted to college and then defer for a year, especially if they are going to do something impressive, like rebuild houses after Katrina. That way they wouldn't jeopardize their financial aid.

My friend thinks he would do really well going to the boarding school near the city for grade twelve (~45 minute drive from home, but ~10 minute walk from his grandparents') and he really wants to go, but his mom thinks he would be lonely away from her.
If he doesn't go to the boarding school for grade twelve, he'll do a year or two of part-time classes while living at home to get used to university before he plunges in.

Anyhow, doing a year or two of transition is a great choice for many people! Every situation is different, but it's a good thing to consider.