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Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

Posted by lamom (My Page) on
Sat, Jun 13, 09 at 13:27

I haven't posted here for a while but I still read posts. My SS29 has two sons SGS8 and SGS2. DH and I have our own son, DS6. As some of you might remember, he is in treatment for cancer.

SGS8 has many emotional problems, has been kicked out or suspended from school many times and is generally hard to handle. SS29 recently told his gf, DH and SD35 that he can no longer handle his own son, will not live with his own son, and if "someone" in the family doesn't take SGS8 he will live in his car rather than live with his own family! SD35 has considered taking SGS8 but not committed so SS29 has now asked DH if 1. SGS8 can stay with us for the summer or 2. Can he SS29 himself stay with us.

As far as I am concerned both ideas are completely out of the question. After years of hot and cold treatment towards me, no concern for his young 1/2 brother who is still extremely ill and the very idea of abandoning his family there is NO WAY he will live in our home. DH has not pushed this but I said absolutely not as soon as he told me the ideas.

I'll be back in the category of the Evil Stepmother but now I don't care. If SS29 ends up living in his car, well, that's what he wants to do. They are eyeballing the extra bedroom we have without thinking at all about what it really means. These people are too much! His sister, SD35, also has an extra bedroom for either SGS8 or her brother. I just don't feel responsible for either of them. There was a time when I did but that's so behind me now.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

I totally understand how you feel, but your DH may not be able to turn away the 8 year old child. However, if he does take in his grandson, he needs to obtain legal standing so he can keep SS from using his son to weasel his way into your home. (as well as set limitations) SS can go live in his car, he's 29 and can man up & figure out how to take care of himself. You are not responsible for either of them, but as a grandparent, I don't see how your husband can refuse to help the child. That child needs structure and discipline. It WILL be a lot of work, take lots of time & patience and it may already be too late... a losing battle; but it's his grandson. What a mess! I feel for you and don't envy your husband... he's really in a tough spot and cleaning up after someone else's mess really sucks!


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

Ima makes some really good points about obtaining legal standing (FULL guardianship) if he does agree to take in the 8 year old. He'll need it to avoid having the boy's dysfunctional parents undo everything positive you two do for the boy.

Under NO circumstances would I enable SS29 to abandon his family and move in with you.

Lamom - Do you have a good idea what the boy's emotional problems actually are? Is it simple poor parenting? Neuro-behavioral disorder (ADHD, ODD, autism spectrum, Tourette's)? Personality disorder (sociopath)? It's one thing to step in if the problem is fixable. But if it isn't, sometimes you just have say 'No' so you can protect the family you can protect.

How is your son doing?


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

sweeby,

The only diagnosis I have been told about for the SGS8 is Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is a common diagnosis for kids who act out a lot. I believe their have probably been other diagnoses (personality disorder, sociopath has been tossed around informally.)
On getting some legal rights like full guardianship, I am not inclined to do that. When he was younger I thought keeping him was a good idea so he could have a more structured, stable living situation. Now, it just seems like an overwhelming job.

While SGS8 has many real needs, our plates are full with the care of our sick DS6. Hopefully he is nearing the end of his cancer treatment but there are reconstructive surgeries and other things down the road. DH seems a little torn, his grandson really needs help but his youngest son, our DS6, is the focus. Given that SS29 knows that DS6 is still in cancer treatment, I was really surprised that he would think we would take on such a huge responsibility that he himself can't handle.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

"Given that SS29 knows that DS6 is still in cancer treatment, I was really surprised that he would think we would take on such a huge responsibility that he himself can't handle."

He's a self centered ass! If he weren't, he wouldn't even think of asking... he'd man up and be a father to his son. He is trying to schlep the responsibility on someone else and he is so selfish, it doesn't matter what anyone else is going through... including his son, let alone you, your husband and your son.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

"He's a self centered ass! If he weren't, he wouldn't even think of asking... he'd man up and be a father to his son. He is trying to schlep the responsibility on someone else and he is so selfish, it doesn't matter what anyone else is going through... including his son, let alone you, your husband and your son."(

100% agree!

Gosh, lamom, you are in a tough position. I feel for you. I'm glad to hear your son is nearing the end of treatment...although I know that also means you are entering a different unknown realm, and I know the possibility of relapse will always be at the back (front?) of your mind. No parent and child should have to go through that.

I can see why your DH would be torn, though. At the end of the day, that is still his grandson. If it came down to it, and his GS were faced with foster care or living with you guys, I don't see how you could say no.

BUT---I can totally see your concerns and I KNOW I would feel the same way. You have enough on your plate as it is and your child is your priority. I get that completely.

I hope it doesn't come down to him having to live with you but IF it does---I would fore SURE go about getting some kind of legal rights. It is NOT fair of SS to dump his child on you and then take him back when he feels like it only to cause further damage to him--and then he will probably dump him on you again! NO WAY. Also---if SGS winds up at your house (and reallly, for your sake, I hope he doesn't) do NOT let his FATHER stay there at all. Do not enable him one bit.

What a loser.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAY!
STand your ground lamom! He is a grown man 29 years old. Tell him to get his own place and raise his son. Bringhis son to a councilor..etc..etc..
You have a sick child and you do not need his son to physically harm yours! NOOOOOOO WAYYY...
Does your Dh understand you have said NO and mean NO!
I would never endanger my sons health by knowing placing another child who has emotional problems.
Your son is in treatment for cancer. My uncle was in treatment and he was in a fragile state. Psychologically and physically we had to be calm around him and not stress him , not go near him if we had colds..etc..etc.
Wear the evil stepmom title and tellhim to go F themself. He's 29 and he rather live in a car???? tell him to GROW UP! Be a responsible father and take the bull by the horns. Instead of running to daddy. ..or his sister..WTF is wrong with this man?
Please tell me lamom that your Dh understands that this will not happen???


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

"SS29 recently told his gf, DH and SD35 that he can no longer handle his own son, will not live with his own son, and if "someone" in the family doesn't take SGS8 he will live in his car rather than live with his own family! "

That sounds absolutely ridiculous and pathetic!!!

SS needs to deal with his sons problems....the kids is 8!! If he does not deal with this now the kid will really be a mess when he is a teen.

Running away or sending his child away should not even be options.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

I think the best solution is for SD35 to take him. She has the energy, resources and a home. She also loves him very much. However, she is going through a divorce so she's feeling overwhelmed. They came to us because she originally offered to take him but is now waffling.

I just feel that having him come to live with us is inviting chaos.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

"Running away or sending his child away should not even be options."

Agreed, certainly. But for some people, those are the only options they can see. And it's exactly what they end up doing -- somehow shirking the responsibility for these children, shrugging their shoulders, throwing up their hands and giving up. And declaring that their children were "impossible" (not difficult) and that "anyone" would have done the same thing in their shoes.

You think the kid's bad now? Just wait until he gets a little size, some more anger, and a helping of teenage hormones.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

Yup, I agree that this Man, even though he is my husband's son, needs to stand up and take care of his own son. That an 8 year old has him on the run is ridiculous. Of course, this is one of the worst 8 year olds you've ever seen but still, that's his child.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

I wonder if the child realizes how his father feels about him? He must....and it has to hurt pretty bad.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

say "No". sorry, i understand one needs to help but there is no obligations to raise grandchildren. what a mess.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

DH told SS29 a couple of days ago that living with us or having his son, SGS8 was not going to happen. Also, DH told him that he needed to act more like a man, get a job and deal with his own family. DH also talked to SD35 yesterday. She said she is still willing to keep SGS8 for the summer but for only the summer. I think DH wants SD35 to take his grandson permanently because he was disappointed that she is only offering the summer. We believe that SS29 is now trying to get his mother to help out but since she supported him, his girlfriend and son for 3 years while they flopped, she will probably say no too especially if no one is going to help out financially.

The situation is nuts. I'm just relieved that we are off of the list.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

SS29 is asking for DH and me to take turns keeping SGS8 with SD35. This is after being told that we would not have SGS8 live with us. Also, SD35 is backpedaling on her offer to keep SGS8. SS29 told SD35 in anger that the only one DH loves and cares for is DS6, why don't his kids count, DH is still his dad etc etc. This jealousy towards a child who is really sick is really something.

It may be that they turn that child over to the County services. There are a lot of extended family members but given the parents, no one wants to take this troubled child in to their home. I feel sorry for that little boy. DH has a responsibililty I suppose but he does not want to enable his grown son from handling his fatherly duties.


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

Great idea! Shuffling the kid back and forth will really help him feel loved and secure.
How much clearer could it be that SS29 is thinking only of his own needs and wants, with no concern at all for what is best for his son?

And don't worry about enabling SS to shirk his fatherly duties --
SS29 seems very capable of doing that on his own...

I'm so sorry LAMom --


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

why can't they raise their own son, i don't get it. why do they want someone else to keep him?


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RE: Grown SS wants wild grandson to live with us!

Noooo, no shuffling back and forth. How stable is that???? This 29 year old man is a JERK! poor kid.
But either way, dont open the door. Sorry.
I hope your dh said no to this as well. Take turn for the summer..but then after that..then what? where will he go? and because he's already half way in your door, your set the pace and he'll stay for the long haul...nah...sorry. dont do it!
Please lamom, tell me your dh refused again!


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