Can I ever Trust Him?

14 years ago

It has been a while since I spoke of my sons BD's lack of parenting, but now I am so frusterated and I need to vent....sorry this may be long.

A little catch up...... DS, now 2, was born 13 weeks early, has GERD, Failure to Thrive (he only weighs 20#,)Chronic Lung Disease, Dysphagia, and Gut Dysmotility. I have had problem almost from the begining with his dad's lack of parenting.

So over Memorial Day Weekend DS was at his dad's. The Thusday before he went he was weighed at the doctor's office before his intensive feeding therapy evaluation. The following Tuesday he was in the same office (it is a multi-disciplinary office)for his developmental appoiontment that he has every three months, there he was weighed again and he lost weight.

The doctor said that if Jordon doesn't gain enough weight within the next two weeks that he would be hopsitalized until he is at a health weight. I have always had suspisions that Jordon is not being taken care of properly while in his dad's care so I took him back in last Wednesday and Friday to be weighed so they can get a good idea how much he gains in two days. He gained about 2 ounces a day while in my care.

I took him back this morning to be weighed and he ended losing 6 ounces while at his dad's. Not only did he not lose, but he did not gain the 2 ounces per day either, so that is like a 10 ounce loss that he had just from a couple of days at his dad's.

Tomorrow is DS two week followup from before the holiday and I will find out if he has to be admitted again. I have documentation showing that he lost weight two weekend visits in a row and I also have documentation from his feeding therapy that he takes steps back after the weekend in his dad's custody. Would I be going too far if I went for having his parenting time limited or taken away? I feel my son has a right to know and see his father, but if he is not receiving the care there he should be than it is neglectful on my part to allow him to go. I just don't know what to do at this time.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (10)

sweeby
14 years ago
Please understand that I ask/say this NOT with condemnation, but with concern,
and also with some small understanding of what you are going through having a child with special needs myself.

What is it exactly that you want Mom2?
Please be brutally honest with yourself when you answer this question.
No sugar-coating. No waffling.
No "I only want what's best for my son" evasions, because that answer is simply too general and allows an awful lot of distortions and rationalizations.

Do you want his father to truly understand what is involved with your son's care so he:
- can successfully feed and care for your son independently during his visitations?
- will understand what you are going through and be more supportive and sympathetic?
- will 'step up' and grow up and become more involved with you both as a family?
- All of the above?

Do you want to document that your son's father is failing so you can:
- reduce his custody times ONLY to stop the weight loss?
- get rid of him?
- punish him?
- threaten to get rid of him to make him improve?
- All of the above?

I'm going to suggest that FIRST you figure out what's best for YOU.
Not that this is the most important question. What's best for your son clearly needs to be the most important question. It's just that's what is best for us personally is often easier to understand and articulate. Also, what's best for US has a nasty way of butting into the 'What's best for baby?' equation if we don't give it it's due first.

Then, once you're clear on what's best for YOU, put that aside and try to articulate what's best for BABY. Do a 'best case' scenario, then a 'second best' and 'third best' because it's not all within your power to make it happen. Your son's father has to do his part, so 'best case' simply may not be possible -- but you may get second or third best, and that may be good enough -- or better than what you've got now.

One other question -- not to derail the above, which is much more important.
How much information about your son's care and feeding has come directly to Dad from a medical professional?
Because if it's all come from you, he may be discounting it's medical importance using a 'hysterical woman' mindset. If he has not himself heard the doctor say it, DRAG him into the doctor's office to hear what the doctor has to say about the Long Term Developmental Consequences for young children who do not absorb adequate nutrition in their early years. They can be sobering.
silversword
14 years ago
ditto Sweeby.

That said, I'm horrified for your son. This must be awful regardless of your intentions, realized or not. I'm so very sorry.
Related Discussions
If I kiss him, can I keep him?
Q
Comments (6)
Suzy, this is the only time I saw a frog with longing in his popping eyes. Longing...yes, longing. Nay, verily, methinks 'tis love! Everybody's going green these days, kiss the lad!! Your heart may have been taken by many a cat and many a dog but no one hops into your heart for ever as surely as a frog.
...See More
HELP!!!!! Problem flirt- did I lead him on? how do I ditch him?
Q
Comments (20)
Em, I'm sorry I am late getting back, but I'm very glad to hear that you've had no further contact from him. I hope he has gotten the message and moved on. I really think you need to let your dh know how very upset you have been over this and how it has really affected your well being. He probably saw it in a whole different light and never realized that you have been stressing about it in a big way. I think he needs to know exactly how you feel and how this other man has intruded in a manner that leaves you feeling extremely vulnerable. These days, especially, you have to be very cautious with anyone who continually makes inappropriate approaches without encouragement. Your dh isn't worried about you wanting to fool around, but that is completely beside the point. It isn't about YOU at all; it's the unknown of what is going on with someone who is playing mind games with you on your cell phone. That's scary and deserves support. My situation was entirely different but nevertheless gives me something of an understanding of how you must feel. Before the days of cell phones and caller ID, I began getting very frightening phone calls. It began as a "wrong number" call. The guy made some joking statements to which I responded jokingly as well and then we both hung up. But he called again, and again, and again. At first, it was light-hearted banter and I am sorry to say that I did not hang up immediately, but kind of enjoyed the chat. But it didn't stop and it got weirder. He made it clearer with every call that he knew exactly who I was. Gradually the tone shifted to a menacing one. I would walk in my house to hear the phone ringing and he would say, "Welcome home, Cheri! I'm going to get you soon," or something like that. There was always a threat to "get" me or something similar. I was petrified. If I didn't pick up the phone he would leave a message. If I shut off my answering machine, he would call and call and call. If I unplugged my phone, I felt so scared and vulnerable anyway, as it was obvious from the things he said that he knew when I left my house, came home, even where I went sometimes. He also knew how to play the game because I couldn't get anything done to stop him. The police refused to put the thing on my phone that would trace calls because he never made a specific threat to kill me (is that ludicrous????). The phone company recorded the calls but wouldn't trace them either for the same reason. They wouldn't change my number because they were recording the calls and even if I could have gotten them to change it, they were going to charge me a fortune to do so! Can you believe that? I was a single mother. My kids had to spend every other week with their dad, so most of these calls came when I was alone and most of them were at night. My ex was/is very capable of having orchestrated the whole thing and I suspect he may have been behind it, but I had absolutely no way to prove it. The voice was not his. It just stopped, finally, but after months of being terrorized, I had a very hard time getting over it. It seemed like an innocent thing at first, but it quickly escalated to something way out of my control. I was also a lot younger and had been pretty much...well, brutalized, I guess you could say, in my marriage, so I just didn't have the personal resources at that time to tackle such a situation. Predators sniff out the vulnerable, so the best thing to do if you can manage it is to not appear vulnerable! Sorry to say that I don't exactly know how that's done.
...See More
How can I get him to go to the dark side?
Q
Comments (35)
I'd do my best to find one you can both be happy about. Neither may get their first choice, but both should get something they reasonably like. My dh has had very few things he cares about and it is hard to predict which item will hit him one way or the other. I ask his opinion all the time and he often seems to want me to just go ahead without him, however, I went to the fabricator and chose the master bathroom faucet to be offset to the left side of our vessel sink and he absolutely hates it. I had no idea he'd care either way. Since we are not broke, he has to deal with it at least long enough until we can afford a new vanity top. I suspect he will get used to it and it won't bug him, but counters are larger and more noticeable. I also did not do something he hated intentionally. I mean, I intended for the faucet to be placed where it was, but had no intention to do something he hates or even that it would register on his radar. That is why I continue to run things by him because no matter how his eyes may glaze over sometimes, and he may say to do what I want, when it comes down to it, he does have opinions about house stuff sometimes. I also agree that if you have made most of the decisions on the reno, you may want to give him this one. You may not go with his first choice of stone, but if that were true, I'd try to get one close to it that I could live with. The one he picked is not my cup of tea at all, but I could probably use it to find one close enough for him and yet still be better if I were going to have to see it every day. One to consider might be Yellow River granite. It is not so far from what he likes, but has more movement and is more interesting. I'd also take a peek at Bardiglio, which is a marble, but is primarily gray with black and white in it. It would get away from the green he does not like and lighten up the soapstone that you do like. The quartzites would also be on the top of the list to consider. They are lighter than you want, but there is no green and they could still be better than the one he chose to you. Just don't order anything until you are both getting enough of what you want to not resent the choice. It is not worth the annoyance and disappointment to have someone "win" if it makes the other "lose".
...See More
Can't change him, so how can I change my attitude about this?
Q
Comments (21)
Love - You said "He said fine, he would have to leave work early, didn't want to "inconvenience me" yada yada." and "I asked him what made him say that and he just said "well, I can't leave work early today." WOW. So I guess in his MAN MIND that is his way of acknowleding that I wouldn't do it." The way I see it is this was his way of making you feel guilty for being a SAHM, but unwilling to help him out with his kid. Don't give in!!!! Be strong in that HE needs to do what HE needs to do for HIS kid, and it wouldn't have to be this way if the (in the words of Sweeby) bat-sh*t crazy b*tch hadn't come in your home and punched you. Pseudo said "....I guess my point was if he puts BM before you ... if you had a child with him where would he draw the line ...." This is totally what I have been thinking for a few months now, but could never get the courage up to say anything. Where will he draw the line? Your DD has already been subjected to so much from this woman, and he's not even her father! How much would he put a child of his own through? Example: my friend has a DD with her DH who has 2 DDs with a crazy BM. The DH is a SAHD to the little one (DD with my friend) and would take her with him to pick up the other DDs on his weekend. It became a habit that the BM wouldn't be home at p/u time and wouldn't answer her phone. He would wait around for them to return (afraid that if he left he wouldn't get to see his DDs). One time, the little DD was in the car and carseat for 4 hours while he tried to track them down and waited for them. 4 hours! My friend finally said "You can wait around for 4 hours if you want, but you will not have MY daughter sitting in a carseat for 4 hours while you sit in your car outside their home." Basically, he had no problems putting BM ahead of his new DD. Remember...the squeaky wheel gets the grease. You just have to start squeaking louder than her. Jupiter said "I think that they need to see their ex's as good mothers (even when they clearly are not) maybe to somehow reassure themselves for when they are with her." So, so, so, true. My DH knows BM is a back-stabbing liar. But then he says stuff like "well, BM says it's SD's decision and she asks her all the time if she wants to visit". So why would he believe that one statement when he's caught her in so may lies before? The only thing that makes sense is he NEEDS to believe she's a good mother. Jupiter also said "I too run into arguments where he lets her slide on things that he wouldn't with me..I try to give him the example that if it was anyone else in his life he would have told them to go to h#$% because normally in life you don't do favors for people who don't do for you let alone someone who puts him down as a father..." and Love said "But it just totally goes against DH's overall nature, which is so frustrating." This is the issue. Which personality is the REAL one? I have this same problem with DH and I'm starting to think the way he is with HER is his personality when he's vulnerable and that scares the crap out of me because I guess I rarely ever see him vulnerable. I agree with FD. When I am flexible and accommodating with X, it is usually in the best interest of DS, and I do the work. I rarely (if ever) ask DH to do anything for DS, although he would be willing, because I feel like DS is my sole responsibility since I am the parent.
...See More
kkny
14 years ago
I suspect it may easier said than done to "drag" Dad to doctors office. Would this just be evidence of another crazy BM, when veiwed by a second wife. OK, I digress. Mom, I am sorry for you for all this. I would do this. Call Dad and back up with email the seriousness of this. Tell him to call dr. or visit. Tell him if he does not do so you will call CPS, or take whatever steps necessary. You can not literally drag X anywhere. Do not let anyone guilt you into thinking if you were better you could grovel and compromise to get him there. Just matter of factly tell him unless he calls or visits dr and gets with the program, you will do what is necessary.
doodleboo
14 years ago
I agree with all the above.

You need to ask Dad WHAT THE HELL IS UP?! Why is it he is losing weight in dad's care. Dad may not...no, I am SURE he doesn't know the baby is losing. he isn't the one weoghing the child every day. Even if he was most guys probably think a few ounces isn't a big deal. Unless he speaks with the Doctor he may continue to think it's no biggie.

He for sure needs to here it out of the horses mouth. I wouldn't give him the option. Either he would go or, like KKNY said, I would do what ever necessary to insure my baby's health.

There is no room for uninvolvment on a parents behalf when a child has special needs. Either you are committed or your not and if your not it may not be in the childs best interest to have contact. This is screwing with one of your sons most basic primal needs. Food, Air, Shelter and Water. If dad can't even cover those.......

Your childs HEALTH is at stake.
finedreams
14 years ago
If your child is not taken care properly while at dads and it causes hospitalizations, then visitations need to change. he might need to shorten visitations such as having several nights a week instead of long days, maybe taking him places for few hours. This needs to be addressed wiht your attorney.

unless dad is not aware of medical needs of his child he is not doing what he needs to doing and it has to stop. he should continue being a father and seeing his son but his visitations need ot be rearranged so he does not stay wiht his son for days at the time.

he needs to be warned and then you must act immdiatelly if things do not change.
mom2_1sm2_1
Original Author
14 years ago
I took DS to the doctor on Tuesday and found out that he gain an average of 17 grams per day, which is around 6 ounces. The doctor said to continue to do weight checks before and after his father's visits to document weight losses, and she even arranged his 2 week appoinments around his visits.
For now we are on idle on this situation because DS is making such great progress while in my care, and he will be able to stay home from the hospital, as long as I continue to do so well getting him to a healthy weight. She wants me to continue to do the checks for two reasons. One, to protect me if it comes to a point where intervention needs to be made for DS sake (since I have shown that I am doing my part.) And second, to have solid evidence that DS's father is not doing his part in the event that it gets to the point where parenting time needs to be monitered.

I had not responded to sweeby because I had to really take the time to reevaluate my thoughts about everything. It has been a couple of days and I now feel like I can respond with out being too selfish on my part:

I don't want DS to not see his father, it is important for both DS and X to have that time together. I also do not want to lose the "respit" that I recieve when he is at his father's, it is nice to have the time to catch up on some me time since it takes so much out of me emotionally and physically to take care of DS. I do feel fortunate to have that time since if we were still together I would not have the privledge.
On the other hand, I think it is important for X to know how his actions affect DS. In a tactfull way (which I have not decided yet) I would like to have a mature conversation on how important it is for DS to have the care that was reccomended by his doctors. I also talked to DS's doctor and she agrees that it would be beneficial for X to attend an appointment and be shown exactly what happens when DS does not receive all of his nutrition for the day. Our plan is to present this information to him in the hopes that he will start doing right, and to continue to moniter for the record if it does come up that he is not.

I guess my thought for this entry is to see if anyone has any suggestions for how to approach this situation w/ DS's father. Should I just get him to the appointment and have to doc do the dirty work, or should I do it myself?

Thanks to everyone for your advice!
kkny
14 years ago
I wouldnt put it so much as have doc to the dirty work, but rather direct communication between doc and dad is best -- always best to cut out middle man.
sweeby
14 years ago
Lots of men discount what their wives/GFs tell them when it comes to taking care of the children because in the backs of their minds their thinking some version of:

- She's not the boss of me
- She's neurotic and over-protective
- ALL babies are delicate/fragile!
- She thinks she knows everything
- All of a sudden now she's the expert?
- She never gives me any credit
- She's trying to control me
- She's trying to get me to marry her
- She's trying to get rid of me
- She's exagerating
- There's nothing wrong with my kid! Because if there were,
-- it would be a reflection on me
-- that would be too scary to contemplate
-- those kinds of things don't happen to 'normal people' like us
-- that wouldn't be fair

KK put it well --
Cut out the middle man.
ashley1979
14 years ago
I actually think that a condition of him keeping his son overnight should be regular attendence at doctor's appointments. I think that very thought should be stated in the custody papers. It's waaaaaay too dangerous for a special needs child to be in the care of someone who doesn't have the full knowledge of the situation.

If he can't agree to that, then I agree with KKNY that custody arrangements need to be changed to accommodate feedings and nutrition.

And you do deserve a respite! Don't ever feel guilty for that. You can't help your child if you are constantly drained. But, you might have to give that up just for a little while until your son's father gets his stuff together.
organic_maria
14 years ago
Don't dilly dally with your sons health. I agree with many above posters.
Cut the middle man out for a while until your son is older. You can arrange visitation with no sleep overs....this way you sons health comes first.

Can I ever Trust Him?

Comments (10)

sweeby

silversword

Related Discussions

kkny

doodleboo

finedreams

mom2_1sm2_1
Original Author

kkny

sweeby

ashley1979

organic_maria

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Can I ever Trust Him?

Comments (10)

Related Discussions

mom2_1sm2_1Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

mom2_1sm2_1
Original Author