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Help

Posted by lilacblue2 (My Page) on
Wed, Jun 24, 09 at 12:05

My husbands first marriage was really hard on him, but he stayed in it for his kids. His kids learned from their mother to abuse dad and so when I came into the picture they did the same to me. They were all adults except for one. The 16-year-old has schizophrenia and other mental health issues. She scares me and has threatened harm. I have a young baby in the house whom she once grabbed and would not give back to me. This is just one example. I have been so stressed and terrorized by her. My friends say just lay down the law, but that is not my personality. She would not listen anyway. So I have tried everything from limitless shopping sprees and talking to her and sharing stuff from my past, but nothing works. I am getting to the point where I do not want to be in danger or put my young one in danger. She has many people, aunts, uncles and siblings that she could go live with that feel that all this is because dad remarried and he had no right to do that. In other words, I deserve what she is doing. I bought the house we currently live in. I bought it for us to be a family in but it is mine and I do not feel safe in it. She has been in trouble with the law and was temporary placed in a youth facility. What are my rights if a court decides she is to return here? The court says she belongs with her father. Under normal circumstances I would say so too. She is really good at manipulation and people believe her lies. Do I subject my baby and myself to this if it is my house? What do I do?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Help

This is going to sound really simple and I know it isn't this easy but here it goes:

Tell hub's either he
A) Gets control of his crazy daughter
or
B) I'm leaving with my baby.

You can't put the baby at risk if this girl is as unpredictable as you say she is. Personally if she would have grabbed my child and refused to hand it back while acting schizo I would of put her lights out. She would of had her ass handed to her child abuse be damned.

At 16 she is old/big enough to seriously injure your baby and you. 16 year olds KILL people. Child my behind, if a 16 year old hurt my infant I would be taking my chances with the law. Temporary insanity anyone???????


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RE: Help

not temporary insanity, doodle, just protecting a child.

I'm shocked that the courts "think she belongs with her father";
here, no court (at least if the father objected) would decree that a schizophrenic 16-year-old *who has shown aggression toward the baby already* would have to live in the household where the baby lives.

In fact, they could remove the baby from such a household, citing child endangerment.

Your child could be dead pretty soon if you keep living in the same house as her father.

Schizophrenics kill people every day.

When they're in a rage, they're tremendously strong, paranoid, irrational, & utterly insane;
you *can't* "reason" with them, & you can't stop them unless you have a weapon & use it before they take it away from you.

You have to protect yourself & your child from this girl at all times.

She can't be allowed in the same house as the baby;
schizophrenic episodes can start in a split second, & then there's no time to get the baby to safety.
she can surprise you & take the child from you in the twinking of an eye.

You are lucky your child is still alive.

My dear cousin is dead, killed by her own daughter who was in a delusional rage.

If the courts & the family & your husband want this girl to live with him, toss him out or move out yourself.

If I had a baby, I'd toss him out & change the locks & file for divorce *immediately* to keep him from changing the locks again.

Whatever you do, don't allow this girl in the same house or car as your baby.


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in total agreement

"Whatever you do, don't allow this girl in the same house or car as your baby."

Ditto Sylvia


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RE: Help

Lilac -
I think this problem is much too big for a few smart ladies on an Internet chat forum.
Some schizophrenics are dangerous; others are not. And whether your SD is dangerous or not and in what circumstances is not something we can tell you with any accuracy. And while I can certainly understand the 'Mamma Bear' urge to protect your baby, I'd be surprised if your husband didn't have that same feeling towards his baby (SD) -- so throwing her out onto the street wouldn't be an option. She's sick, not evil.

I'm assuming you know some folks in the mental health system?
Can you find someone to talk with you who will know and understand more about it than we can?


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Sweeby

While I agree she needs to look into the condition more via professionals I don't think it wise to allow the daughter back into HER house with the baby there.
The SD has proven herself to be a schizo of the violent type and it isn't worth the risk.

I would tell her not to come into my house. Period. ANd if hubs wanted to be the protective daddy bear...that's fine. Can't blame him for protecting his sick, though more importantly violent, daughter. However, he wouldn't be doing it in my house with my baby. He would have to move out.

her sickness is not you, the wifes' or the babies problem. If the house is your I would for sure lay down the law. If it wasn't yours I would suggest moving out.


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RE: Help

"She scares me and has threatened harm. I have a young baby in the house whom she once grabbed and would not give back to me. This is just one example"

Yes, she's dangerous.
She's made threats & she's taken action.
She can kill someone.

(Being scared spitless by this story doesn't make anyone a "mama bear".

& mama bears are the reason baby bears grow up.)


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RE: Help

There are medication that will help schizo's. The girl needs clear diagnosis ad treatment. That may require some time for inpatient treatment. But, there is no good reason to put anyone in any danger and that also includes the girl herself. Schizo's are not to be toyed with. They most certainly can be dangerous.


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RE: Help

even though i think dad needs to take care of his daughter, you absolutelly do not need to be in the same house with her especially with the baby. he has to stick by his daughter no matter what, but you do not.

most schisophrenics periodically go off meds and that's when they are dangerous. it is unpredictable. it is a nature of this disease.

I know elderly couple who's son has schiso, it is a life of pain and hardship for them. they never know if he will take his meds, if he will be quiet that day or if he would be violent, he also drinks which is pretty common. they are his parents and he lives wiht them and they take care of him, but you aren't SD's parent and i wonder if you are ready for living your life like they do.

nobody should throw SD on the street but nobody should expect lilac and her child to live in fear.


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meds

"There are medication that will help schizo's."

of course they have to be on medication all the time, but most schizos do not take meds reguraly. 1 reason: bad side effects, 2nd reason: when they are on meds they feel well so they assume they are OK and don't need meds. major issue with them is not taking meds.


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RE: Help

She took your baby and wouldn't give her back to you...mmm. simple
She is not to step foot in your household ever again. For the safety of your baby she is out. And i think by law you will not have a problem. Safety of a baby always comes first
Ifyour dh doesn't like it, tellhim to get out and live withhis daughter somewhere else.
I've seen many people throw out their one child to save the rest of the kids and for safety reasons. Don't care how old this girl is, for safety its a simple issue. She is not allowed anymore to live there. Period. She can have supervised visits but from what i'm reading , i think not.
Would you rather not throw Sd out and then one day find her drowing the baby in the tub????
Yes 16 year old kill, 2 girls that age killed their own mother by drowing her in the tub. now one of them wants out of parole because she wants to pursue a higher education..mmm...sorry hope she rotts in jail!


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RE: Help

I think that while the situation is very scary and possibly dangerous we are jumping to rather large conclusions here. How are things going at the youth facility? Is the family engaged in therapy in hopes for a successful return? Is there any kind of visitation with her in the youth facility? How long ago was the baby grabbing thing? Why is she in the youth facility? I just think that we are rather jumping the gambit to throwing the daughter out of the house or so quickly packing bags and moving out. I ofcourse think that if she is truly dangerous then the baby should not be put in danger.... but there are more possibilities than that. I just think that you and the family (as in DH and whoever else) should talk to the professionals and figure out together the best solution not just for you and the baby but for her as well. She is a sick 16 year old girl for goodness sakes.


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RE: Help

Exactly Mom_of_4!
"I think this problem is much too big for a few smart ladies on an Internet chat forum."

I can envision scenarios where even an ordinary rebellious teenager (without mental illness) would pull a "You can't have him back" stunt. Can you imagine how insulting it would be if your stepmom didn't trust you to hold the baby even for a few minutes? If you saw panic in her eyes every time you so much as looked at her kid? That could make you want to 'pull a Michael Jackson'... (Not defending the behavior -- just trying to understand.)


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RE: Help

My cousin is a residential counselor at an organization for people with mental illness. Most of these people have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Almost all of them have been homeless at one point or another.

I worry about my cousin's safety at times. She says she doesn't because she sees these people (they live at this place, it's like a halfway house) on a daily basis, and she says she can tell almost immediately if they are off meds. A psychotic break or schizo episode doesn't happen overnight, so she is able to see the warning signs gradually and can get them to the doctor/hospital ASAP.

But the difference is, these patients are all under court conservatorship and CAN be admitted against their will. My cousin has the means and knowledge to protect herself---not to mention this is her JOB and she takes on that job assuming a small amount of risk. That is her choice.

THIS is not your choice and it is certainly not your baby's choice! You have to protect your baby, who is the only defenseless one here, before anyone else.

I absolutely would not let a schizophrenic who has threatened violence against me or my child in my home.

If it's your home, don't let her in. If hubby doesn't like it, he can leave. If it's his home, you should move out.

Seriously. I would not take chances in a situation like this.

I understand your hubby has to protect his daughter, but I am also assuming the baby is his child, as well? He has an obligation to protect the most defenseless of his children. He can protect and help his 16 yr old DD without having her in your home and exposing the rest of you to violence.


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RE: Help

If you haven't acted already, you really should soon. I suggest that you speak to your husband about the situation without blaming him, and let him know your concerns and that you fear for your baby's wellbeing. His response will be telling to you one way or the other. He should be the one to let his daughter know that she is no longer welcome in the home and that she needs to get help while she is living somewhere else. Surely, there is a relative without little children to be at risk. He needs to have that conversation with her while you and your baby are not present.
If your husband is not on board with protecting you and your child, he and his daughter can move out. It is your home for which you worked hard. There is absolutely no reason to put yourself or your baby in harm's way. I sympathize with his daughter's mental illness, but your priority has to be you and your baby.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine how difficult and upsetting it must be. I have never posted before, but your situation was too compelling not to respond.


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RE: Help

"I absolutely would not let a schizophrenic who has threatened violence against me or my child in my home.

If it's your home, don't let her in. If hubby doesn't like it, he can leave. If it's his home, you should move out.

Seriously. I would not take chances in a situation like this."

Amen!

I once dated a cop who had had experience with drug users, domestic violence, gangs, you name it;
he could have written a book about violent behavior, & this is what he told me:

take every threat at face value.

If the guy says he's gonna kill you, defend your life.

Be safe.


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RE: Help

I think your husband should move out. I sympathize with your situation, and you definitely should protect your child and it is also your house. However, he should not have to put his child out, because that is his child and she should always be a priority. (not to mention he would be in trouble with the law for putting her out).


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RE: Help

It's unclear whether both the 16 year old and the baby are your husband's children. At the same time, I imagine that he is serving in a very involved role in the baby's life. Both children would be his priority, but your marriage is too. His moving out is only a short term solution if he is willing to address his 16 yr old's issues.
His 16yr old needs help, but needs to be away from you and your baby. Can he put her into an in-patient mental health facility involuntarily? I doubt you want to go through this, or even wait for the end result, but I think if you went back to the court, she would be moved to another relative's home or placed in a mental health hospital until she got her mental illness under control.


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RE: Help

As a side note, it is my understanding that, unless specifically addressed in a premarital agreement, trust, etc., the house would be considered marital property. However, this may be different depending upon your state laws. You may want to research this a bit.


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RE: Help

not necessarily=-
In Texas (only state I know anything about), if OP bought the house with her own money, put the loan in her name, has only her name on the deed, then it's her separate property.

If she were to get a divorce, her spouse would be entitled to half the amount by which the indebtedness had been reduced during the marriage (*not* half the equity!)

Example:
Say the house was worth $100,000 when she bought it.
She put 10% down, has a loan of $90,000.
She has been in the house for, say, 5 years, so almost all of the payments have been going toward interest, & she'll still owe, say, $88,000.

Hubs is entitled to $1,000.

Even if the market value has increased, he is entitled only to half the amount of principal reduction.

& even if OP's state considers the home "marital property", she's a young mother with a young baby;
I'd bet she'd be awarded the right to remain in the home until her child graduates from high school/finishes college/something.

although I don't know that that would be the best thing for her;
if she makes all the payments, & then in 17 years she has to sell the house & give half the money to her ex, she might do better to sell it now & buy another one for herself & her child.


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