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So damaging!

Posted by lovehadley (My Page) on
Fri, Jun 10, 11 at 11:39

And BM just does not get it. She never will. Nothing ever gets through to her, not the counselor, not DH, not even her own family telling her to back off.

I don't know what the problem is as of late---DH has kept me pretty sheltered from it, but I know "issues" have been brewing.

I know BM often has this particular "beef" in the summer. They do a week on, week off schedule---and BM gets, I think, jealous that SS is with me during the day on our weeks. I think it's b/c she is stuck at home, broke and with two other little kids. It's much easier for ME with 2 nine year olds to go to the pool or to a movie, or to the zoo, whatever. BM has no money and a 3 yr old and an infant, which makes "entertaining" SS a lot more difficult.

She's jealous. I know she is.

But it's one of those damned if we do, damned if we don't because she really doesn't WANT him with her all the time, either. On the one hand, she is "happy" to have a break from having three kids, I think. This past Monday, for example, DH gave her the option and said "Do you want me to pick SS up at 9 AM at the beginning of my custody period or do you want to have him during the day and I'll get him after work?"

BM said she would keep SS during the day, but then she was all in a tizzy when DH picked him up at 6 pm and said that he's a deadbeat, HE needs to watch SS and not have me or her do it.

Ummm.

DH WORKS.
BM doesn't.

This has been their summer custody arrangement all along and even the GAL said it----DH can put SS in camp during the day, I can watch him OR if BM WANTS to, SHE can watch him.

End of story. It is UNFAIR to expect DH to be able to take every other week off in the summer! Come on.

So for the last three years, I've had SS during the day on our weeks and it works fine. He has fun, that's all that matters. Right? Not in BM's mind.

It's like she doesn't really want SS to be with her but she doesn't want ME to have him, either, I guess.

Anyway, things had been relatively quiet all week since the Monday episode. (SS is with us until this coming Monday morning, then back with BM for a week.) I've been taking the kids to swim practice, soccer camp, the pool, the bookstore, etc. It's been a nice start to summer.

So BM calls this morning and SS answers and says excitedly that we found a box turtle in our backyard AND we're going to a carnival tonight.

And she just plows right on over him!

I don't know what exactly was said; I try to make myself scarce when she is on the phone with him but she kept him on the line for almost ten minutes and I heard him try to say goodbye at least three times.

The jist I got from him after was that she was mad because--HEAVENS---he only talked to her ONE TIME yesterday.

(She lit into him last night at bedtime for not calling her during the day, and then sent DH a nasty text saying she is sick of SS not being "available" to take her calls during the day and she is getting him a cell phone.)

So SS gets off the phone this morning and starts BAWLING. I gave him a huge hug and asked him what was wrong and he said he had "too many emotions."

Then proceeded to say:

"My mom doesn't want me to go back and forth anymore. She wants me to have a cell phone so she can talk to me whenever because she worries.I'm only nine, I don't know what to do, she misses me when I'm here."

HATE HER. HATE HER. HATE HER.

She is destroying her son!!!!! I HATE IT.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: So damaging!

There's no pleasing her, Love. Not you, DH, SS...nobody. Ever. She's miserable and appears to want to make everybody else miserablewith her whether aware of her own actions or not. How sad for the SS. Would not matter what it will not please BM nor make her happy.

If SS where with her 24/7 she still would be unhappy. If DH quit his job (in what universe can that happen!), it would not be enough. It's be then that DH, you and the kids are having a pleasant life and boo-hoo her.

It's really too bad BM does not get state assistance to go to school get an education to work somewhere other than min. wage and let the state help her with daycare until she gets up and going on her own. Maybe then when she is not dependent soley on the kids for 'entertainment' and can provide normal childhood activities and quality time at home and at peace with her children she might just finally be happy. In the meantime, everyone else suffers.

Does SS have a counselor to help him deal with all his emotions? I know Dh and you talk with him, but somebody especially trained to work with children and someone not directly involved in the situation might be helpful to SS in sorting out his feeling and dealing with the pressure and stress BM puts him (everybody) through.


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RE: So damaging!

Love that is terrible that she would do her best to ruin HIS day. Just selfish for her, its obvious she is more concerned about herself than her son. I dont understand why she would want her son to feel so torn between his two homes. I'm sorry your SS has to go through the manipulation from his mother. My Skids BM manipulates them and it makes me so mad when I here them beg her not to mad at them when they have not even seen her for at least a couple days. Not much you can do but be there for him like you were. I hope all of you can enjoy the summer without much drama...


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RE: So damaging!

You found a box turtle? Cool! We found two the summer there were the horrible fires here. One of them DD named Queen Mary. We put signs up and eventually found their owners. Evidently they like to roam. Make sure the kids wash their hands after handling, turtles carry disease.

I can't understand BM. I am SO happy when DD goes with someone else and has fun. Next week she's going to Disneyland with a favorite aunt and then the following week she's going to Knotts with another favorite person in her life.

I can't go. I work. But I'm stoked for her.

What a pitiful excuse for a human being. I'm so sorry. It's even harder when she's directing it at her son. What are you supposed to do now? If you comfort him, you're overstepping, right?


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RE: So damaging!

Thanks all! I just needed to vent. It is sooooo frustrating.

I guess she left my DH a ranting voicemail about how she is taking him to court for full custody. Uh huh.

Seriously, there is something physiologically/chemically wrong with her---her mood swings are out of control. She goes in phases but they always pop back up and she just flies off the handle. In a few days, she will be back to normal. I seriously sometimes wonder if she is bipolar or something. I know it can manifest in other ways than the traditional manic high/depressive low. I feel like HER manic phases are these phases where she flies into a rage for days.

The ONLY time she is *relatively* normal is when she's pregnant.

Yes, SS sees a counselor. BM and DH have met with him, as well, in different formats---sometimes all three of them, sometimes just one of them with SS and sometimes just BM/DH.

The counselor says all the right things to BM---about not putting SS in the middle, putting on a united front, etc---and I guess, according to DH, BM agrees. But she always agrees when she's "calm."

When she freaks out into one of her tizzies, all the "rules" go out the window.

It just SUCKS that the older SS gets, the MORE she puts him in the middle.

I feel so badly for him, so angry at HER, and so helpless. What can I do? Not much. It sucks!

The crazy thing is how she twists it in her head. How she LOVES SS soooo much and wants to have him with her all the time. And the guilt she lays on him for having fun and doing things without her is unreal.

" I am SO happy when DD goes with someone else and has fun."

ME TOO, Silver! I don't get it. I love, love, love when DD gets to do fun activities with other people---be it family members or her own friends' families.


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RE: So damaging!

That is a terrible thing she is doing to your ss. The cell phone won't help matters really. My ss is 10 and his bm pays for his cell phone. He NEVER carries it... well, we won't let him take it out of the house because we don't allow our 11 year old or 8 year old too and it wouldn't be fair. We've explained that to bm, she then asked if she chould just have us put the phone on our account. My dh told her no because we have a cell phone the 11 year old and the 8 year old share and it doesn't leave the house either... he could just share that with them. Apparently that's not good enough because his is still on. BUT... it's NEVER charged EVER and if it is he doesn't answer it most of the time. She's just wasting her money. She'll text my dh and tell him to have my ss call her. Then when he talks to her she yells at him and asks where his phone is and why it's not charged. Then he gets off the phone and does NOTHING about it. Personally I think it's funny. She talks to him anytime she wants cause we let her it's just not on the phone she's paying for and my dh isn't going to police the phone to make sure it's charged.

Last summer before we got custody and during the battle... my ss bm was telling him EVERYTHING that was going on... from her point of view. He would come to our home and say things out of anger at us. Saying that we didn't care if he was happy, that he should move to the new state, that we were trying to "outmoney" his mom. Well, my dh confronted her and she denied it. She told him it was my 11 year old that told my ss everything.... that's impossible because he knew NOTHING about it. That just made me so horribly mad at her. I wanted to blow up but I kept my cool. It was soooo hard. Plus... we didn't really have the money for the battle... my dh took an advance from his boss to pay for the retainer fee with the lawyer and we made monthly payments. He was a hot mess last summer. He's GREAT now!! He's so happy living with us. The only thing that's been said that's maybe a little bad is...

Last week he started back talking me just a little and I got mad... sugar was very very low and I flip at those moments.... I told him that when he goes to spend his 7 weeks with his mom that he better not let that brat rub off on him. (Meaning her new step son.... he had just come back from a weekend with her complaining of the kid.... he's AWEFUL!!!)... then I realized what I said and told him that he's a VERY nice kid who EVERYONE really likes and I didn't want that to change. He immedietly came up to me and loved on me. He then told me that that kid didn't like doing something that his mom wanted to take them to do while he's there. I told him that it would be an excellent time for his mom to take just him and they could spend some much needed time just the two of them. He agreed.

I also hope that during that 7 weeks she doesn't try to convince him that it'd be better to live with her again.... cause it can't happen. The court order states that neither parent can move the child to a new state without prior consent from the court. Plus we have physical custody.


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RE: So damaging!

"It's like she doesn't really want SS to be with her but she doesn't want ME to have him, either, I guess. "

Somewhere I read an analogy which I think is dead-on in your BM's case. BM is treating your SS (and no doubt her other kids as well) in the same way that a child would treat her doll - as a possession, as a plaything, as an object which is incapable of feeling hurt, pain, or any emotion other than what the child "assigns" to it. And I don't think BM is particularly jealous of you (in this particular instance) - I think she is jealous of her child. Seriously. We've had similar incidents, as you may know, and BM has flat-out said that it's "not fair" that SS gets to go places when she's stuck with no money. Her own child! Your BM is sitting at home with two little kids while your SS is off having fun. That's just not fair!

My SS has learned to just keep his mouth shut. He very rarely even tries to tell BM anything he's done anymore. The only time he does is when he wants to deliberately upset her. (Counselor says to let him do it, that he's exerting control in one of the very few ways that is available to him. He is very good about not bragging or boasting normally...)

"It's really too bad BM does not get state assistance to go to school get an education to work somewhere other than min. wage and let the state help her with daycare until she gets up and going on her own. Maybe then when she is not dependent soley on the kids for 'entertainment' and can provide normal childhood activities and quality time at home and at peace with her children she might just finally be happy. In the meantime, everyone else suffers. " LOL, justmetoo! That would be great for most people - but I suspect for LoveHadley's BM it would not make one damn bit of difference. I really believe that Love is correct that BM just "does not get it" about many, many things in life - one of them being that most people do not particularly enjoy getting up going to work every single day, but do it anyway. That most people do not find every single part of child-rearing a thrilling experience (I'm thinking changing diapers, the "I didn't do it - he did!", 5,000 loads of laundry per week, and the knock-knock jokes phase), that in order to be able to afford one luxury, most people go without others. The correlation between cause and effect just doesn't seem to exist for some people.


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RE: So damaging!

Oh Mattie, the doll analogy is so spot on.

My mom--who I believes suffers from NPD--treated me like that. As a doll who she, at times, would hold lovingly and play with but then throw at the wall if she was angry or frustrated.

I had not thought of it in those terms in regards to BM/SS because it's manifested a little differently. My mom NEVER told me she loved me EVER EVER, made her resentment and jeakousy of me crystal clear; BM smothers SS with "love" and is more subtle in her emotional abuse.

Thanks for putting it in that perspective, though, because it helps me to better understand it. Same issue, manifested differently.

I think you're right in that BM IS jealous SS. She's competitive for his affection and love. My mom was similar in that she didn't want me to love/be close to anyone else---but she also did not want me to be close to her, either.
BM definitely resents SS's independence!

It's all so sick and twisted. But it's been nine years of this crap. She's been the same kind of emotionally-damaging parent ever since SS was born and she won't change. Unless she were to seriously look inward and address/change her OWN behaviors and distorted attitudes.

Which she won't do.


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RE: So damaging!

I share your frustration. Our BM is different yet. SS will be off school in a matter of days. BM has not once asked what he'll be doing this summer, whom he'll be staying with, or for that matter, when he's done with school anyway. Same with last summer. We could be leaving SS with Chester the Molester every day for all BM knows, or leaving him home completely alone, sending him off to camp for the entire summer, or putting him in a cryogenic facility for three weeks at a time. BM's little doll is strictly "out of sight, out of mind".

SS still occasionally hopes that she will "get better." We have no such hope. Like you said, it won't happen. Our hope that she loses interest and sees something shiny and new to play with and just leaves him alone, to be honest.


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RE: So damaging!

she is a sick, sick person, i hope SS understands it soon and just accepts his mother is a loony, he could still love her but not expect anything normal from her.


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RE: So damaging!

Ugh, Mattie. That is too bad. :( I know what you mean about just wishing she would go away.

I guess BM called SS back today--I was in the shower--and told him that she is NEVER calling him again when he's at his dad's. That he clearly does not want to talk to her, so she will give him what he wants.


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RE: So damaging!

Oh love that's awful.. The entire post but the last one is the kicker ... WOW

I too have this problem and I don't really know what to do. I got our final orders today for me to look over and sign before the judge signs it for good. Both BD and I are 'enjoined' from discussing the litigation with the child permenantly. I emailed my attorney and said 'well sir, I'm confessing to discussing litigation with my child' . Once SM explained how we have spent years fighting in court and how I get ALL of daddy's money I felt I had to sit her down and just explain it to her so she could 'understand' what is true, what is mostly true and what is not true. So There.. I broke the injunction already, it doesnt appear that BD broke the injunction and oh yeah, did we forget to enjoin SM??? Cause she isn't listed and she is the one that told DD all about litigation.

It is just never ending. DD goes to their house next week for 1 week ... Yet asked her last weekend, what are you doing for summer? 'staying with grandma and grandpa'. What was their response? 'oh poor DD I'm sorry that you are going to have such a boring summer but you'll get to stay with us for a while and we will do FUN things'. This is also the BD and SM that didn't get DD a single present for her birthday. They drew her a picture of what she is going to do this summer... Swim... In their community pool ... Wow.

I don't know how to help these kiddos. No matter how much love we give them and how much we do to let them know it's not their fault, they WILL still feel like it's their fault and that they amount to nothing because their biological parent knocks them Down again and again and again.


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RE: So damaging!

(((HUGS))) Myfampg. I'm sorry. Your poor DD should not be having to deal with this kind of stuff at ten years old. Nor should my SS at nine. Nor should ANY kid.

Unfortunately, it does go on and I guess all we can do is the best WE can do in our homes. And pray about the rest.

I know that sounds simplistic---but, at the end of the day, we can really only control our own attitudes and behaviors. You model good behavior and unconditional love for your DD and I know---at the end of the day---it will make the difference for her.

BM did call SS last night for his usual good-night call. BUT it was not good. He had called her around 8 pm to say goodnight, and she didn't answer. He called again around 9 and got REALLY upset. Crying in his bed, DH went in to talk to him.

"Mom's mad at me."

"Mom won't talk to me."

"What if she's dead? What if she killed herself? What if she was in an accident?"

This poor kid is so burdened with ADULT problems and in his CHILD's mind, he doesn't know how to process or deal with them.

The phone rang around 9:30 and BM talked to SS. But then---he got off the phone and burst into tears again and told DH that his mom is "soooooo mad" at DH. And that she wants SS to live with her all the time.

It's just insane. Part of me feels like DH should NIX communication between BM/SS if it's going to be like this. It's ABUSIVE, plain and simple. She DESTROYED his day yesterday. Destroyed it. And did who knows how much damage to his psyche?

And for what??? Why???

No one really knows. Even DH asked her yesterday, "WHAT is the PROBLEM here exactly? Why are you mad?"

Basically---what she told him is that she just HATES me. And that she doesn't want SS spending his days with ME.

Ummm.

That, to be honest, creeps me out. I have not even talked to BM or seen her in a couple YEARS. (I mean, I have seen her a small handful of times in passing but seriously---we have had NO contact between us since the assault/restraining order over 2 yrs ago.)

Her animosity towards me is disturbing.

I do know that BM took SS to meet with his counselor last week and the counselor apparently relayed to BM that SS said he wishes he could "rewind" to before the night BM punched me and make it go away. Because he is "always afraid" she is goin to do it agian.

I think in HER head, she is feeling soooo guily that she has to twist it and rationalize it and somehow make SS's pain MY fault.

"Like, DUH LOVE, if you didn't exist, then I wouldn't have punched you and SS wouldn't have all these issues stemming from witnessing what he did. Yes, it's all YOUR fault."


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RE: So damaging!

it is a shame. I kinda know how it feels. BM doesnt like to hear about my sd having fun either. And when she talks to sd and she is just "hanging out in her room" well
"awe thats no fun" she totally down plays the fun but when when sd isnt doing anything fun she totally blows it up...just like what momof3 said - our sd BM is telling her EVERYTHING that is going on. this sunday she is meeting with her attorny and she is bringing sd... I know bad things will be said, our attorny has met sd once and that was when she came by to pick up a check - sd has never been involved with any of our attorneys or been able to hear what is going on.. i think its terrible but nothing we can do... Just hope and pray one day when she is older she will understand what happened and realise what was true and was lies... Sorry for your SS he probabaly feels so quilty when he is there and having fun and thats a terrible thing to put any child thru... Just enjoy your time with him and dont let her insecurities get in the way of you all enjoying your summer and having fun!! he will end up resenting her... Any child she be ALLOWED to have fun with both parents!!! good luck!


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"You model good behavior and unconditional love for your DD and I know---at the end of the day---it will make the difference for her. "

I agree. And as weird as it sounds, I think the kids are going to be much stronger, self-sufficient, self-reliant adults from having had to deal with this. I've met people who had neither parent, but got support from a teacher, a neighbor, a coach, a priest - and made it through OK because of just that one caring adult. It's just so hard to watch someone damaging a child when normally what we'd do is never allow that person around the child - instead, we have to paste on smiles and send the kid off to someone whom we know (and often the child knows) will hurt them.

Myfampg, we've been discussing court proceedings with SS for the last year or so. First for the reason that you said; we did not see how it would be helpful for lies to remain unanswered. Secondly because we wanted SS to know we were doing everything we could - but we have no choice in sending him. No, a child should absolutely not have to deal with it - but a child also shouldn't be wondering why they keep telling Mom/Dad/SM/SD that they really don't want to go, and those adults are telling them "Oh, it'll be fine, you'll have fun, your Mom/Dad/SM love you". Which is more damaging long-term - to understand the stupidities of Family Court or to feel like their parents aren't listening (and maybe even don't care) at all?!

As for the "it's my fault my parent acts the way that they do" we've talked to SS about that, over and over, and will continue to do so. We don't bring it up and we never say that BM is a "bad" parent - but SS will start talking about it, and we tell him that some parents, both human and animal, just do not do the parenting things that others do, that no one knows why, but it's not the children/baby animals fault. Over, and over, and over, and remind him of friends, relatives, neighbors who are distanced from one of their parents - it's just bad luck, we tell him. Some kids do not get the best parents. It's just something that happens to some kids but it's never their fault.


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I never understood the "daily" or "nightly" phone calls. And giving a 10 year old a cell phone because you need 24/7 access? That's such a joke. My SD came over with a cell phone when she was 7. Even though we've never denied access or phone calls. Sure if we were swimming or out to eat or whatever she'd have to call back later. But BM seemed to think that if she called and no one answered right away we were witholding access. We turned it off at our house and it stopped coming over with her. Unless it's something unusual we don't call SD when she's with her Mom and her Mom doesn't call her anymore when she's with us. Maybe I don't get it because I'm not a bio Mom but I don't think I'd have a problem going from Wednesday morning to Thursday morning without speaking to my child. And she always called exactly at dinner time. I think it was more about disturbing our family time than her actually missing or wanting to speak to her daughter. She'd keep her on the phone for as long as she could and when we'd ask SD what she had to talk about she always said "nothing" or "stuff she already told me yesterday". We basically called her out on it and told her to stop calling and if she had a problem with it to take us to court. We let SD call her Mom if she wants to but she never asks. We let calls go unanswered a few times and she gave up pretty easily. Part of cutting off the phone calls also was because she would upset my SD when she called. She would tell her all the "cool stuff" she did or what relatives she visited without her. NOT NICE!!

Try only letting him talk to her every other day or every 3 days. I doubt a judge would tell you that you have to make the child available everyday especially if you could show that the phone calls upset your SS. Or tell her if he wants to call he can.

It is so frustrating when you see an adult not doing what is best for the child just because they feel a certain way about something. Its so selfish :(


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I'm in a different situation and I'll explain so maybe a different point of view will help. My dd is 10 and she is the one that requires constant contact. I have to admit that when BD and I separated, at first it was very difficult for me to not talk to her for an entire weekend. At 4 yrs old, sending her off for a weekend was very hard on me however there were other factors to add to that. I had never sent her to daycare. Yes I had an occasional babysitter and she stayed with grandparents over night. Once we went away for a weekend without her when she was almost 4 and that was very difficult for me. It wasn't that I didn't trust my parents but I had a deep guilt for leaving her in someone else's care while I was off for three days. My problem back then and probably a contributor to my divorce was not asking for help. Thinking that it was a sign of weakness. Also I often critisized other parents who would send their kids to daycare so they could get their hair done or to have an afternoon alone. I now see the importance of taking care of yourself when you are a mom, especially for stay at home mom's. But back then, I couldn't allow myself to do it. So when it came time to go back to work (because of the divorce) I was now leaving my child in the care of someone else AND I was also without her for an entire weekend not knowing if she was doing ok. Time healed those concerns but I was expected to just snap into my new circumstances, a life I did not want, a divorce I was not prepared for, but something that wasnt up to me anymore. And before I could get used to the change, there was someone new sleeping in my bed, in my home, putting my sweet little girl to bed three nights a week and taking her to preschool... While I had no contact. I wasn't jealous that there was someone new. It wasn't jealousy at all. Bd could move on, I was ok with that but I wasn't ready for my daughter to move on. She was so little that she didn't care. Nothing bothered her. She loved the new people in her life BUT she missed her mommy too. And didn't understand either.
So fast forward, I have since moved on and I am remarried and I now have a toddler that keeps me super busy when dd is away. But it doesn't mean that everytime I walk in to her empty room to put her laundry away 1st 3rd and 5th weekends of the month, my stomach doesn't ache into a knot longing just to know that she is ok. It's been 6 years... But it doesn't make a difference how long it has been-- she is still very much a part of me and I want to have 'reasonable access' to her at all times as I'm sure BD would like to have 'reasonable access' to her as well.
In our most recent court order, I was ordered to buy and pay monthly charges for dd a cell phone. It's to be taken back and forth and cannot be tampered with, turned off or taken away as punishment. It is strictly for dd to have 'reasonable access' to both parents at all times. Dd told her court appointed therapist that she would like to call both parents before bed or whenever she feels like saying hi. She feels that she can't ask either parent if she can use the phone because she doesn't ever know when a good time is. I don't discourage dd from calling bd but I won't let her call if it's after 9 out of respect for their household and I know there have been times that she has said, I want to call my dad and it's really legitimately not been a good time. He does not answer when she calls but they refuse to allow her to use their phone to call me EVER. I don't expect her to call me every single day. Surely it would be nice but I will respect that it annoys them (and obviously others here) for her to call me every single day that she is with them. I want her to grow into a strong, independent young lady and part of allowing her to do that is simply letting go. I have learned over the years that even though I want something, in this very special family dynamic, I am just NOT going to get that. I have a friend who is married and they have a child. Dad travels a lot. He calls my friend several times during the day while he is away and text messages when he can. He also calls his child every night before bed to say good night and talks with his wife for a while before they go to sleep. This is what keeps them strong with all of the travel. My brother is in the military and at the moment his family does not live with him because he deploys for 3 weeks a month. He skypes with his kids every night. He does homework with them, reads books, chats-- he also facebooks and shares picture, calls and texts. This is how they get through the time apart. It's rare they miss a night unless they just happen to 'miss' each other but honestly both families make a point to be available for this time. How is their life any different with their children than my life with my children? Just because I am divorced from the father of my child, doesn't mean that I shouldnt get to say goodnight to them every single night.
An opposite opinion, even hypocritical to what I just wrote is that I don't 'expect' to talk to my daughter when she is only gone one night. I've come to not expect to even hear from her over the weekend. But if a parent and a child have a truely healthy relationship as I do with my child, why can't there be a goodnight phone call? Why is it BM/BD evading the privacy of the other just to say good night OR good morning whichever it may be? The parents like Love's BM that is angry and causing SS so much anxiety and causing problems is one thing and should be stopped. I would not allow the phone calls. (if it were me) I would stop them. But someone like me that is not asking questions or showing anger or saying hateful things, in my opinion should be allowed access to their child at all times reasonable. Constant contact can be healthy if the parent is in a good place. If I were still married to the man, I possibly would still be spending every day with my child without having daycare or weekends apart... Just because we are divorced does not mean, I divorced my child.
I am one in a million I know.. I know that most BMs get angry and jealous and aren't happy when someone does for their children. I have felt that gut wrenching anxiety pain in my chest about some things, especially when she was younger and I was single and struggling financially and BD and Sm were not... They could do the things I wanted to do with dd but then, one day I guess I just realized that I was so glad he was doing something for her and that she was having fun and I wasn't having to pay for it... But by the time I came to this conclusion, they weren't seeing her anymore unsupervised... I never told them that I was 'jealous' or whatever you will call it. I'm more internal so I let it eat me up on the inside and made myself internally miserable... But I understand not all people do that. They will actually lash out and the easiest person is the kid who has unconditional love for them.

I've learned to not have constant contact with my child and surprisingly it was her request to be able to call me whenever she wants... But it doesn't mean that every time she is away I don't ache to hear her little voice say 'hi momma'.
BD picks dd up from school on his days and takes her back to school. In the beginning of this arrangement which was only a few months ago, it was hard for me not to toss and turn wondering if she even made it home from school. Then one day when she was forgotten and the school called me... I realized I could relax because if she doesn't get picked up, the school will call.. If I dont hear from anyone then all must be going as planned. It still bothers me but it would be nice to get a phone call to say, I'm home! Now that she will have a cell phone going forward, hopefully that part of my anxiety will go away. Until the day that she forgets to call me and then we start all over again lol...


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RE: So damaging!

(((HUGS))) myfampg.

What you said is precisely WHY DH AND BM have both always called SS to say goodnight when he is with the other parent. It's part of their routine and SS would never want to go to bed at either parent's house without calling his mom or dad.

That is the one time when he asks to call his mom or asks if she has called.

DH is fine with that, and wouldn't refuse that.

It's BM expecting to be able to reach SS any time of day, anwhere he is, whenever that annoys him. Actually, it is beyond annoys.

BM is "harrassing" her child. She's angry/threatened that he is with me and, perhaps worse, he doesn't think of her 24/7. See, when SS gets all upset and thinks BM is dead or that something terrible has happened, a part of BM construes that as love. That he loooves her so much and worries abut her. She has even said to DH "he never worries about YOU dying."

She sees "love" and "dependency" as the same thing. If my own DD were having extreme anxiety because she thought I was dead--I'd be worried. I know she loves me. I don't want her to spend her days worrying about me. I want her to feel (and I think she is) loved and secure and confident. Of course I know how terribly sad she would be if something happened to me, but I also think she would, ulatimately, be OKAY. Because I've given her such a good foundation of love and self-respect. She would grieve and be sad, and always miss me, but she would be OKAY.

BM doesn't want that for SS. And I'm not even talking about "death," anymore, I am talking about BM just being separated from him. She does not want him to be independent or to flourish without her constant presence.

It's really sick. She and DH have been split since SS was not even one year old. So over eight years!

One would think she would have come to some sort of terms with it.

She hasn't. She won't.

Oh well. If it were just me and DH, it would be fine, but her disturbances are really affecting SS.


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RE: So damaging!

Exactly! She is getting some kind of warm and fuzzy feeling from SS being soooo worried. The only time I can say dd was terrified for one of us was when we had a tornado and there were like 6 surrounding us and touching down all at the same time. I had the tv on so I could hear what they were saying and they mentioned BD's town and dd flipped!! But after it was over, she called (no answer) and I just told her I felt that if something happened, someone would have called us already... And it passed. I would be concerned too if she were worried about death and so on. Not healthy! And horrible for SS to feel that anxiety!

Women like her give BMs a bad name... And I just wish I could slap her and say WAKE UP!


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