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echad_gw

SM who yells!! Please advise...

echad
13 years ago

I am a Dad and Step Dad and am having problems with my family. My wife and I married last September. It is the second marriage for each of us. She has two boys, ages 11 and 13, who live with us nearly full-time (BM lives out of state). I have a daughter, age 7, who is with us about 1/3 of the time (BM lives nearby). The problem is that my wife and I have very different approaches to discipline. Her preferred manner is yelling at the kids. She and the boys seem to have a deeply ingrained "dance" in which she will ask one of them to do something, he will say "OK" and then not do it. She will ask several more times until she is yelling, "I've asked you to brush your teeth five times now! Do it! Why do you do this to me! I have enough stress!" The boy will then say "Sorry!" and go brush his teeth. This kind of thing happens every day, several times a day. I have brought this to my wife's attention and she appears helpless in what to do. I have said to her, "Danny is 13 years old and still does not brush his teeth without you yelling at him. Is yelling working for you? If not, why not try something different." I have made many suggestions, and she just ignores them. I see myself as a more "enlightened" parent, that is, I rarely yell and feel that making expectations clear while treating the child with respect is more effective than yelling. The problem is that my wife and the boys are stuck in the "dance" of yelling. My 7-year-old daughter generally does what is asked of her (thanks to me), but my wife still finds things to yell at her about, and this is distressing for me and my daughter. How do you break these ingrained interactions that are so problematic for everyone? We have tried counseling, but the counselor really never got a grip on the yelling problem, since she never really witnessed it and, I think, thought I was exaggerating. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks!

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