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hate to harp on this, but...

Posted by thurman (My Page) on
Tue, Jun 8, 10 at 10:48

Am I wrong to think my SD is "sick"?

Just want to revisit my son's graduation. My SD not only got him a bag filled with a ton of stuff for college (things that a parent would normally buy, like supplies, towels, etc.), but she also got him a couple of gift cards and gave him money. It was way over the top and wholly inappropriate, in my opinion.

I'm not saying this in isolation. This is a kid, from the time my son was born, who tried to be "little Mommy." When someone would ask a question about our son's birth, before my wife or I could answer, my SD would! She would correct him even if my wife or I were in the room at the same time. She would thank people who came over for a birthday party as if she was the one giving it. I fought her every step of the way, and to my wife's credit, she did support me on the "correcting" part and it did stop for a number of years.

I really think she has a psychological problem, doesn't know her role, and this helps build her self-esteem in some way.

Am I off-base here?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Would she like to adopt my DD as her lil sister? Just kidding. When you started off with inappropriate I thought this was going to lead to condums and stuff. I think it is generous and harmless.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Wasn't this already asked and answered? Repeatedly? Are you still hoping that someone is going to say that yes, your SD is a sick and twisted individual because she gave her brother gift cards?!

Have you been to counseling? I really, really think it might help.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Sshhh, Thurman, it's over, you survived the graduation and the visit. Spend your summer with your son focusing on enjoying his last weeks home before he goes off to college.

Except for the fact you didn't appreciate all the kind and generous gifts the son received, I'll assume the event was a very proud happy moment in your life. Congrats, to the son and I hope his college years go well.

You have an empty nest for the first time in years. Maybe you and the wife can do some traveling and enjoy yourselves as a couple.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Heah, I detest Dad SO (the OW) and it wouldnt bother me if she gave my DD this stuff. Fact is, I know who the parents are, and so does she, and I think Thurman's son does too. My sister gives my DD stuff too.

We all wish the lil bro best of luck in college.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

This by you is a problem?

There's a problem, here, all right, but it's what the OP thinks. That poor girl.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

What kind of gifts would be most appropriate for and most appreciated by someone going off to college? Precisely the kind of stuff SD got him.

Is it stuff parents would normally buy? Sure --
Does that make it wrong? No.

Has she been 'mothering' him all along? Sounds like it. But actually, LOTS of girls do this, particularly with much-younger siblings. And it's not really a problem -- except for you, because you hate it.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

"It was way over the top and wholly inappropriate, in my opinion." And it appears only in your opinion. There is nothing wrong with what your SD did for "her brother" and I bet you would have complained if there was no gift or a small gift. Saying can you imagine only XYZ.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Oh, thurman, don't you have any hobbies?

friends with whom you can play softball?

Couldn't you sign up to deliver Meals on Wheels or build wheelchair ramps for poor people on the week-ends?

something?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

when my nephew graduated high school i gave him money and bought him gifts. when my SO's Dd graduated college I gave her a gift. how is it over the board? agree with kkny, i wish my DD had older sister like this! LOL

I have never heard that buying gifts, giving money or packing care packages to your brothers/sisters means being sick. what's the problem here, really?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thurman, Yes you are wrong to think it's "sick" that your SD gives gifts to her brother.

I think that it is "sick" that you are obsessed with finding fault in anything and everything this girl does.

I think it's "sick" that you can't get past the fact that she may have had some attitude with you when she was a child and that she rejected your authority because A) she was a CHILD! and B) if your attitude about her now is any indication of your attitude about her then, well, I don't think you had any business whatsoever being an "authority figure" in her life anyway. Being married to her mother does not automatically give you authority in her life.

I think it's "sick" that her mother would remain married to a man that is constantly making himself "sick" over every little thing her daughter does. If her mother is smart, she will leave you soon and once your son is off to college in the fall, does she really have any good reason to stay anyway? Not if she's not "sick".


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I'm with KK. Hell - maybe Thurman's SD would like to adopt ME?! :)

So what exactly should a sister get her little brother, whom she obviously cares for? For God's sake, I got my little cousin a huge box of 'supplies' as he left for college. So did my parents. Did his parents care? Not in the slightest. They appreciated the generosity. I have yet to see the warning on towels that says "Only to be purchased by PARENTS for their children. Totally inappropriate for purchase by any other family members." Truly, this is the silliest gripe I have ever heard. Like one can have too many towels?

I have a custodial SD. I have two sons with her father. She is always 'mothering' them. We will step in if it is over the top, but that is what siblings do - look out for each other. Maybe it does help their self esteem. If it isn't hurting their brother's, who the hell cares?? Do you think your son will forget who his parents are and run off with her because she bought him some gift cards and towels and thanked people for coming to his party? I've taught my children to thank anyone who comes to our house for an event, be it for them or not. That's called manners. You should learn some.

What's sick are your insecurities and control issues. I'd be willing to bet they will drive your son from you, not toward you.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thanks, folks, for your views. I can't believe after 20 years I'm overcome with such feelings about my SD. No one at work even knows she exists, it's such a painful topic for me that I've pretended for years that she does not exist.

She has invited my son to her new apartment near the shore. I'm deathly afraid that he will visit her...or that she will visit him while he's in college. It sounds irrational, but my fear is that something will happen to him, she will not be able to call her Mom, but she would not call me to tell me anything. And that would set off one terrible scene.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Let them have their visits, Thurman. If anything happens to son she will call mom immediately. Ask son to include a emergency card in his wallet...if there is an accident your numbers will be called as contact/next to kin.

Son will be just as safe as he can be whether at sister's home visiting or trouping around off campus.

Kids grow up, Thurman, they are not babies anymore and as next to kin you will be notified.

Daughter can't reach mom and it really is a serious incident she has no choice but to have you contacted. Relax. Line of consent is birthparents then siblings. She can't make decisions on her own until attempt has been made to contact you.

Son could get run over by a bus crossing the campus too, are you this terrified the school would not call you? Of course not. You can't keep him in a bubble forever, Thurman.

If you get stupid and make a huge deal over his visits and travels now that he is an adult...he may get sneaky and/or shut you out as being none of your business. That would be much worse than your unnecessary fear that SD won't call you.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

"She has invited my son to her new apartment near the shore. I'm deathly afraid that he will visit her...or that she will visit him while he's in college."

Now THAT is sick...
Thurman - Get yourself into counselling! You're making yourself NUTS with your anger, resentment and hostility towards your stepdaughter. Honestly, if there's one place you should want him visiting, it's his sister who's in medical school. Think she won't know what to do if there's an emergency?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

"deathly afraid that he will visit her...or that she will visit him while he's in college."

deathly afraid of a sister visiting her brother, what is going on with you? is she a dangerous drugaddict, what are you talking about!


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

"No one at work even knows she exists, it's such a painful topic for me that I've pretended for years that she does not exist."

& *does* she exist?

Do you actually have a wife & a son?

What's really going on here?

From what you've *said*, this girl/woman hasn't done anything to have provoked such powerful dread & hate.

Why do you fear her so much?

What really happened?

What did you do to her that you're afraid she'll reveal?


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something

I think there is something here that maybe thurman is not telling.... it has to be something...don't know what...

i actually thought something similar sylvia, not in a sense of him doing something bad to her but maybe him having some feelings, like maybe being attracted to her and then hiding it behind hate..got to be something that he is not telling...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

maybe she didn't like it when he made a pass at her?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I hope it is not that sylvia...but something is there...he said he is concerned she isn't dating? my own father is not concerned if I am dating or not...or her walking out of the room when he walks in...something is there,


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

sylvia and finedreams: I had said something to DH back when the original question was posted about the school supplies. That was DH's immediate response; that Thurman had an attraction to SD, that she was sensing something was not quite right and was getting uncomfortable and avoiding him, and that that was why he was so angry with her all the time (because she was avoiding him).

And that was before Thurman's posting of From the time my SD was small (7 or 8), she began to treat me as a sex offender. I'd come into the room, she would leave, unless her Mom was there. I thought this was something she'd outgrow, but she didn't. ...(I'd like to add that my SD is now almost 30 and still has no male relationship...I think she's gone out on one date...maybe she was molested or is simply afraid of men? Seems abnormal but Mommy gushes over her daughter's chastity rather than see that something could be wrong).


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

wow mattie, so your DH has some gut feeling about it, I always knew there is something fishy about it...yes he seems upset she avoids him...

I remember he also said that he knew his SD since she was 7-8 yet she only saw his parents few times in her whole life..so he was not willing to get her know them...when she tried to reach to his parents by sending them cards etc he was upset....he does not want people at work to know about her...

she is reached to anyone except him...she is uncomfortable...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thurman you start to sound like a real creep, sorry to say.

What do you even mean when you say: "My fear is that something will happen to him, she will not be able to call her Mom, but she would not call me to tell me anything. And that would set off one terrible scene."

What sort of terrible scene do you have in mind here? What do you think might happen to your son? Break a leg? Fall of balcony? Heart attack? What?

And keeping a person in your family secret from your work colleagues for so long, that is seriously f*&#ed. Why would you put yourself in that situation???? And also it's very worrying that you've actually managed successfully to keep this a secret! How did you never slip up? SD has been part of day-to-day life for so long, it seems impossible to never mention anything that includes SD to a colleague, just when you're caught off guard. The fact that you can do that is really concerning, don't you realise that?
What would your wife say if you'd share that with her? Or the counselor?

All kinds of weird vibes going on here..


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

finedreams: When I was talking to DH he said it was almost a textbook case; he really liked psych in college. It wasn't something I would have thought of at all.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Im going to ignore sylvias and matties husbands theories for a moment because it is entirely out of my realm of knowledge and go back to this- When someone would ask a question about our son's birth, before my wife or I could answer, my SD would! She would correct him even if my wife or I were in the room at the same time. She would thank people who came over for a birthday party as if she was the one giving it. -which I do know something about. This is 100% normal older sibling behavior.

I have three brothers, 1, 2, and 11 years younger than me. All three of us (not just me, the oldest and the girl, but the two older boys as well) acted exactly like that toward the youngest. Exactly. We answered strangers questions (oh, a boy or a girl, how old is he, whats his name?). We stopped him from putting his little fingers in places they didnt belong, from squishing the pets, from climbing things he shouldn't climb, etc etc ALL THE TIME. "No, no, (brothers name)" were very common words out of ALL of our mouths. Yes, even when parents were right there. When he was a baby, that boy could barely get so much as a whimper out in his sleep before one of us was cribside patting his back saying "there, there, baby, its ok". When he was a toddler and at a stage where he mostly communicated with grunts and hand gestures, we translated for him not only to "outsiders" but to our (his) own parents. (little bro; "grunt, grunt, point" parent "huh?" older sib; "oh, he wants a banana"). Normal, normal, normal.

If this is something you had a problem with back when she was just a child, I do not give any credence at all to your position that you first developed this sensitivity to your SDs behavior because she treated you with disrespect, because this tells me your expectations of her and your interpretations of her behavior have been completely unrealistic since the time she was a child. You have **always** interpreted perfectly normal behavior in your SD as somehow wrong. This is all you, Thurman, and has been from day one; it has nothing whatsoever to do with any subtle disrespect or overstepping or any other poor behavior by your stepdaughter, ever.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I don't think it's a sexual attraction current or past. He hates this girl, he's targeted her in his mind as the fault of his ills. It appears more to me that Thurman carried his mental issues into this relationship and the girl picked up on them right away, thus her never wanting anything to do with him.

All postings from Thurman first 2007 then a year ago:
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2007

I don't want "E" to influence my son, part of it is that she has rejected my parental authority in her life but wants to be an authority in my son's life

I do dislike my stepdaughter because of how she treats me, how this issue divides our marriage and home, and how much stress and tension it causes me in my life. And, I'm powerless to do anything about it except try to find ways to deal with the stress and tension and try to rise above all of the pettiness. My wife is my stepdaughter's greatest champion, and sees her daughter as perfect. So we never deal with anything, I hold it all inside, and anger builds. The same things I was angry about when the S/D was 13, I'm still angry about and she is now 26!

I guess the bottom line is that I'd like more kindness and respect from my SD, and I'd like my wife to validate my feelings some of the time instead of always protecting her daughter's back. I hate dreading my SD's visits and celebrating when she leaves. Not saying she has to treat me like her father, but it could be a little better. I'd settle for distant uncle.

From my perspective, it is not just that E does not treat me as I'd like to be treated. It's also about "justice." When my son misbehaves, Mom and I call him on it. When "E" is wrong, there's no judgement, no correction, nothing. It is as if she is perfect and does no wrong.

2009

But it does affect my work. She is in her late 20's and only comes home 2-3 times per year now. I find myself, even one month before she arrives, anxious and seeing scenarios in my mind where she is disrespectful or does something else to tick me off, and I end up exploding.

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And on and one such post go now since late 2006. In his posting about stepdaughter's upcoming visit and what her planned gifts for the graduation were to be, I suggested that if SD stayed in hotel Thurman would still freak. He'd worry about where they(Mom, son, SD) where while he was at work, what they were doing blah blah.

And here it is with yesterday's posting "She has invited my son to her new apartment near the shore. I'm deathly afraid that he will visit her...or that she will visit him while he's in college."

SD and son are adults and going to have a relationship outside Thurmans home and control. And he's pre-worrying and panicking over something not yet to even happen. Paranoid anxiety. He likely fears son and SD will have fun, maybe giggle over a few childhood stories together, maybe she's influence son to take certain classes stear towards a career that will take son off and out of Thurman's radar's ability to control...fear of all fears, maybe SD will get son to live by her after college and Thurman will be the outcast one.

All things Thurman will not be a part of, can not control, to Thurman's mind she's won. The evil monster he has tried for 20 years to first get to love him and then to expose as bad and 'sick'

Thurman if you don't get some professional help along with the possibilty of medications you're going to find yourself either going totally over the deep end and hurting someone or being hauled off to a mental ward or both.

The daughter does not have the problem, Thurman. You're trying to justify your thoughts and actions by blaming your problems on other people and their actions.

Just my 2 cents.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

She has invited my son to her new apartment near the shore. I'm deathly afraid that he will visit her...or that she will visit him while he's in college. It sounds irrational, but my fear is that something will happen to him, she will not be able to call her Mom, but she would not call me to tell me anything. And that would set off one terrible scene.

Wait ... what?

He's envisioning some dreadful catastrophe happening to his son -- and what he's worrying about is that there would be a scene because of SD's somehow not being able to reach her mom, and refusing to call him?

THAT would be the problem? The scene -- that, presumably, HE would make -- not the injury to his son?

I agree, this guy, if he is for real, needs serious help. I cannot imagine why his wife sticks with him. That poor SD. I am kind of mad at her mom for putting her in this situation.

I think that the speculations of some of the other posters about what is underlying his irrational attitude toward his SD sound very plausible -- even if it is only projection of unconscious feelings, whether of a sexual nature or some other projection on his part. Or maybe she knows some secret of his? Or perhaps there is some other weirdness he is acting out with his son, and she has been trying to fill the role of healthy adult (including buying linens)? Makes me wonder what he is really afraid of happening if his son visits her -- perhaps that some information will be shared?

But whatever the basis, this is starting to sound trollish to me. I mean, "deathly afraid" of some preposterous fantasy? THIS he is willing to tell -- to people who don't even have a reason to expect to hear his secret fantasies -- but not even the fact that she exists -- to people he sees at work every day.

Thurman, if you are for real, please respond to the many suggestions that you seek counseling for this issue. Have you tried that? What kind? What happened? If not, why not?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Well I am glad someone finally said it. Why has the OP's wife stayed and expose her daughter to such hatred.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

for me the strangest thing was in 20 years of his knowing SD she only met his parents twice or so, but when she tried to reach to them by sending cards (despite the fact that he never wanted them to come over and get to know her? in that many years?) he got upset that she sent them Christmas cards. that just seemed so bizarre...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Is buying towels something that dads are supposed to want to do? I guess my dad is a failure as a parent? I bought my own towels when I moved out. I'll be sure to tell him that he left me open to predation by sick family and step-family members who might want to buy stuff for me. (note sarcasm)

My niece is 8. Last fall, at age 7, she thanked me for coming to her brother's 10th birthday party. I thought she was showing nice manners.

My sister called me the other day to find out how big she was when she was born. She could have called our dad, but I'm the keeper of birth weights, baby clothes and photos for our family.

Many of my friends have had their younger siblings, step-siblings, cousins, etc, over for a meal, an evening or even a weekend when the kid is away from home to go to university in the city. It gives a nice sense of family and security to have someone invite you over when you are young and first out on your own.

Relax Thurman. It sounds like she's trying to do something nice for someone she cares about, not trying to boot you out of your role as his parent.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thanks again, folks, for your replies.

Obviously I cannot disprove some of the comments, but the situation is not one of physical attraction nor in any way have I inappropriately did anything to my stepdaughter. I'm sure she is uncomfortable with me, but the evidence points more to her general discomfort to men or maybe a "passive aggressive" method of inflicting hurt without "Mom getting upset." Let me say that she started avoiding one-on-one contact with me when she was about 10 or 11, and that has continued to age near-30. However, she is also someone who has not had any dates and seems to avoid men in general...she'll always sit near a woman, even a stranger, than sit near me or another man outside of her father or brother.

I agree with some of your comments. I'm looking into professional help because this thing is going to swallow me up. I've spoken with a preacher but his comment was so naive about a stepfamily as to discourage me ("well, she's not your daughter, and you're not her father, so you have to just accept the situation.").

Maybe I was the wrong person to marry someone with a child. I was maybe too immature and insecure to deal with the resentment and rejection by my SD, discouraged by the long-term nature of it, and my wife and I lacked the intelligence to seek outside help or work mutually on handling things. Consequently, the problem grew and grew and grew, swept under the rug, and they never have really been dealt with. I'm left feeling disrespected, and my SD is the "teflon kid" -- everyone loves her and things the world of her, and my wife looks at me like I'm the "bad person" in all of this.

Oh well. It is only two visits a year, but it is the phoniness of all of this that bothers me. I'm looking for step-justice...that she would be exposed for who she really is...I guess I have to accept this is not going to happen, but there is always hope!


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

("well, she's not your daughter, and you're not her father, so you have to just accept the situation.").

Not naive advice at all;
it sounds very sane, sober, down-to-earth, & easy to understand;
the fact that you don't want to hear it doesn't mean it's naive.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I just have to wonder. . . . in 30 plus years YOU are the only one who has seen who she 'really is'? Everyone else thinks the world of her? Using simple logic and statistics it's pretty easy to figure this situation out. . . the only step justice will be when you man up, get some help and get over yourself. It is highly probable that your unrealistic expectations and exclusionary behavior early on created the issues between you two today. I think the issue is your wife, SD and likely son have seen who you really are, and they don't like him much.

This is your issue, Thurman. Deal with it or deal with the consequences. But quit whining about towels for God's sake.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

if you don't like her and she does not like you why does it bother you that she is avoiding you or does not give you attention? when she visits 2 times a year she is there for her mom and brother. why do you want her attention? your preacher gave you excellent advice.

and quit nagging about her dating or not, shouldn't be your business.

you don't know if she is dating or not, many kids don't share or many families are too oblivious. if she prefers company of women she might be gay, or she might be dating only casually. not your business really

wanted to expose someone as a bad person just because you dislike them or they don't show you proper attention, is a pretty nasty thing to do. so far you only exposing yourself.

your preacher gave you excellent advice. just let it go, see a professional. and if you won't stop all this your son will start avoiding you too


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I'd agree with Thurman that the preacher's advice was naive in his case --
Perhaps overall it was decent advice. But in the case of Thurman's family, the problems run to deep to be cured with the simple advice to change his attitude.

Yeah, changing his attitude is the ultimate answer. But if you can't 'just do it' (like the preacher said), then you need professional help to work through the issues that caused his perception to become so entranched, and most likely, so distorted. If you truly believe someone is manipulative and evil (like Thurman seems to believe his SD is) -- then how can you just 'let it go' and 'accept them' when they're that close to your wife and son? Thurman needs to be able to talk about his perceptions of SD, about how and why they originated, about the parts that may be justified, even accurate, and they parts that have become twisted and caustic. He needs to learn to forgive the early childhood resentments and manipulations for the totally normal behaviors they were, to understand and accept SD's current avoidance strategy for the adaptive behavior it really is, and to own his own part in the tense relationship. To me, this sounds like a several-month project, but one well worth doing, and one he should mention to Mom (but NOT go into details about) to preserve his marriage, which with Sonny now going off to college, may be in more trouble than he knows...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Does anyone else find it creepy to the max that thurman was angry that his wife was pleased with her daughter's chastity?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Well... I'd certainly agree that there's such a thing as 'good chastity', but also that there is such a thing as 'unhealthy chastity'. In other words, for a 15 year old, chastity is unquestionably a good thing. For a 30 year old, I'd have a strong suspicion that it might not be entirely healthy, emotionally. Some degree of dating and sexual 'experimentation' is entirely normal, with 'how much' varying widely by family and individual.

But for StepDad to spend time worrying about it? Eh...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

For all we know, SD just doesnt want to kiss and tell. Maybe she is gay. Who knows. But agree, why would SD care?


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

i don't understand chastity talk, he sees SD twice a year and cannot possibly know what she does in her private life. she certainly is not practicing any chastity at 30. Just because thurman thinks she isn't dating, doesn't mean she isn't. my DD sometimes tell people she has no time for dating, too busy with school, that certainly isn't true.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I think Thurman says this is what the SD tells her mom. Maybe SD doesnt want mom to discuss. Who knows.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Why on earth would SD want someone who hates the very thought of her to know anything about her sexual life? It doesn't sound like any man, woman or beast that she dated would meet with Truman's approval anyway, so why even give him the opportunity to disparage them or her? If I were in her situation I'd certainly be asking Mom to keep any knowledge of my dating life to herself.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I am mostly confused why thurman continuously posts without taking any of the advice to take measures to change the way he feels but rather sticks with the same attitude and gets blasted every time... I just realized recently that it has been something like 3 or 4 years that I have been on this sight and every single time the same thing...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

I'm not sure why things bother me. I guess it comes down to hurt and anger. Example tonight. She called the house to wish me a happy father's day. I wasn't home, so she left a message with my wife. that sounds like a very nice thing. Here's the thing that undermines that: (1) I have a cell # which I know she has. She could have called me directly. It reinforces for me that the call is for my wife and not for me: it's a "show" to say "look how good I am." and (2) for mother's day, my wife's birthday and my son's birthday, my SD doesn't "leave messages." She tries and tries and calls and calls until she reaches them. Now, again, I can understand this. I don't matter as much to her as my wife and son do. But my wife holds her up as this perfect angel, that she should get a nobel prize. I'm trying to tell her what a phony she is.

Good grief.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Why should you matter as much as they do? You treat her like crap. They don't. Personally, I'm shocked she called at all. Can't say I would have were I in her shoes.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thurman,
She actually called the house for you. If you had been home and taken the call, I still think you would have found fault with her. You probably would have still said that she used the call to actually speak with her mother.

My SD (26), who doesn't seem to be as mature as yours, still treats me as rudely as your SD treated you many years in the past. When my mom died a few months ago, her dad sent her an email to tell her about my mom (she never answers her phone), and she told him via an email to give Geri her condolences. She has yet to personally acknowledge that she knows my mother died. I just don't think your SD is doing this a$$hole behavior anymore.

At least your SD called you, she remembered your parents because I recall you becoming angry that she sent your dad a card one year, and I believe she felt that she should attend his funeral, although you didn't want her there.

It sounds like she may have been rude to you 10 - 15 years ago, but that she has matured and moved forward. You are the only one who continues to breathe life into this dysfunction. She may not being showing you respect in exactly the manner that you want, but she is making an effort and she isn't being disrespectful. You need to make an effort to meet her part of the way.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thurman,

Do yourself a favor and put yourself in the shoes of your SD. Look in the mirror. Would you like you if you were your SD? Would you go out of your way to call yourself? Would you feel comfortable talking to yourself if you were your SD? I seriously doubt it.

All you really want to ever do is point out these crazy ways that you think she is flawed. But I truly, truly do not think she has many faults. I mean, look at it this way, you have said yourself that most of the people who know her think that she is perfectly delightful. You have tried multiple times on this forum to point out her flaws, yet most of the people responding to you on this forum find fault with you and not with your SD. In your own description, your son seems to think she is pretty ok, your wife adores her daughter and is proud of her, it's pretty darn clear that the problem lies with you, not with her. So, tell me, please, why do you still continue to try to point out stupid, picky, petty little "flaws" rather than embracing the fact that you have a pretty fantastic SD? You really should try to get some help for your own flaws and territorial jealousy issues before you implode with hatred for this poor girl. You chose to marry a woman who had a daughter, yet you are so jealous of her you can't stand it. It really, truly is your problem, not hers, so get a grip and get some help.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

what I fail to understand is if you don't like her, can't stand her, think of her as evil and two face phony, why do want so much of her attention and affection? It just doesn't make much sense. you should be happy she does not call you.

Like if she is that horrible why do you want her stop avoiding you, showing you affection, calling your cell etc? It just does not make any sense. If I don't like someone I am happy to have minimal contact. Why would i want more?

I guess that's why it feels there is more to the story.

You see her twice a year, can't stand her yet you want so much of her and think so much about her, even her private life. Like she is the center of your life. Like you are jealous of her attention towards her mother and brother, like you don't want your son and wife all to yourself but rather want HER all to yourself.

I don't mean in inappropriate sense. But you want more of her attention, I just don't understand why, if you don't like her? Unless you are not honest and actually like her? you think she is great and you feel inadequate around her? You want her approval? Why? If she is that horrible, why is she so important to your existance?

I continue strongly suggesting therapy for you.


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you are doing what?

"I'm trying to tell her what a phony she is."

If any man tried to tell me that my DD is a phony, would be out of the door that same day. I have hard time understanding why is your wife letting you put her daughter down and why she is still with you.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Surely you can understand why her 'Father's Day call' was a token gesture rather than the sincere 'got to talk to Mom' gesture she makes for Mother's Day? She was trying not to insult you, to show an appropriate degree of respect and affection -- but she knows things are not all rosy between you and would rather not expose herself to more criticism and disdain in person.

Yeah - It probably is a phony gesture... But when you consider what the 'honest' gesture would have been, the 'phony' one is preferable...


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

But when you consider what the 'honest' gesture would have been, the 'phony' one is preferable... Beautiful, sweeby! I keep laughing picturing the "honest" gesture.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thanks, again, folks, for your perspective and advice. I'm going to seek counseling. You're right. If I married a woman who hated my biological son, I'd be out of the relationship faster than you can blink an eye. My wife is a saint for hanging in there, but I can tell she is at the edge.

How do you change a veritable lifetime-- over 20 years-- of feeling negative about someone? It's not easy to reprogram myself not to see her as a negative, divisive force. Any advice on how to do this without making myself throw up is welcomed!


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Thurman,

I think you should fake it 'til you make it. In other words, start treating your SD as if you truly, genuinely like her, as if you adore her and love it when she comes around. Start convincing yourself that you do. Behave as if you do. Odds are, she will respond to your behavior in a positive way and you will both gain something from it.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

That's what the professional will help you with, Thurman. Come back after about a dozen sessions and tell us about what you're discovered about yourself and how you're working to overcome the issues.

You told us on the 12th you were looking into counselling and now again on the 24th you say you are going to seek counselling. How long is it going to take for you to actually do it? What's the reason you're holding back? Get 'er done, Thurman.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

Sounds like he is deathly afraid she will tell his son something he doesn't want anyone to know. I was in a situation to "know" something about a son and his dad that the new bride obviously didn't know or she would not be a bride to the son. In my case I liked the bride and enjoyed the fact that they didn't know my intentions and they sure were worried.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

As far as some "teflon" Skids are concerned I need to vent.Some people are just cons. SD and SS raised in home as daughter and son-even called me mom on own their accord and admitting once when they had their own kids that their mom was terrible when they were growing up and thanked me once for doing all the mom/parent stuff that BM or DH wouldn't do. I have busted my butt for the sake of family and keeping things fair. I have made mistakes and admitted to them. Same rules for all kids his, mine and ours-depending on age. My SD has friends but when you look at what kinds of friends they are i.e. syncophants, not very attractive, low self esteem people pleasers- She dumps them when they are in need or don't worship her and has used people this way for a long time. I know her very well and that is what she doesn't like is that I know all her games and manipulations and lies. She outright disrespects me and when I say anything, its like shes' royalty and how dare I?! She is the type of person that does everything to hide anything that makes her less than perfect (in which no one is) and if caught says oh well, its my business or over now so whatever. She has blamed other people for terrible things. When it comes down to brass tacks, the only people she will really help are her brother and father. My family has been there for my skids when no one else was and have seen this behavior and the way she treats me. When I disengage from the games, she does everything she can to turn family against me. Like I said in other post her DH has always let her get away with it and now I have wasted precious time, caring, attention and finances that my own sons needed because of the constant drama and misbehavior of Skids. I know now that my DH used me to take care of everything, (esp. the dirty work-discipline) for him and his kids. They don't change! Huge waste of life and happiness.


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RE: hate to harp on this, but...

"Sounds like he is deathly afraid she will tell his son something he doesn't want anyone to know."

or son will tell her & she'll tell her mother...


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