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Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Posted by newwife58 (My Page) on
Wed, Jun 1, 11 at 10:44

I am looking for suggestions/examples of language to include in our parenting plan with regard to doctor appointments for SS7 and SS10. We are about to begin mediation (AGAIN) and this has been a problem in the past that we would like to be able to get some control of.

BM schedules what seem to be an outrageous number of appointments for the kids to meet with their pediatrician and allergist. Anytime there is a sniffle, rolled ankle, tummy ache, rash, etc to the doctor they go. If DH does not attend she is quick to inform him that according to the doctor the ailment du jour was caused by something that happened in our home. She is excellent at manipulating any information she is given by any professional to somehow blame us.

The hardest part is that the kids come to our house partially believing the crap their BM is trying to convince them of. The worst was a couple of years ago when BM (after taking them to the pediatrician 4 times in one week) finally got them to say their stomach hurt because DH and I were punching them in the tummy. Kids were taken away for two weeks until DCFS sorted it out. DH was HEARTBROKEN :(

After that incident DH is much more proactive about appointments- if he can not attend he calls to attempt to speak with the doctor afterward to get the real story. But the doctor is now tired of having a conversation with him and BM and says she is too busy to continue to operate this way and does not call DH back. She suggested I attend the appointments if DH can't- BM would have a heart attack! She has conveniently convinced herself that I don't exist and have been a figment of her imagination for the last four years.

After the abuse incident BM is now required to notify DH about appointments but often it is not enough notice to arrange his schedule to attend, and even when he can attend the pediatrician is 30 min away from work so between travel, the appointment and the inevitable time venting to me afterward - it is a good 3 hours out of his work day, at least. He is the bread winner for our family and the situation has spiraled out of control in our opinion. These are two very healthy boys with no problems to speak of other than a mild allergy to dogs/cats and some pollens.

Her latest antic is trying to prove they are allergic to our dog (they have no symptoms in our home). Presumably to get the court to reduce our 50/50 schedule or simply to get the dog removed from the home. We were proactive before purchasing the dog and consulted their allergist (chosen by BM) - he gave us a list of acceptable breeds and said it was fine. Well, last week she informed DH she was taking them to a NEW allergist! DH said No. She ignored his email. DH canceled the appointment. She took them anyway. Then scheduled a follow up appointment for this week!

So my question is twofold: do you have any suggestions on ways to combat this? Simply notifying us of appointments is not enough. And how many times a year is it realistic to expect a normally healthy kid to see their pediatrician or allergist? I am a step-mom with no kids of my own and DH and I would like to get a bench mark.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

I can't imagine any language you could put into a parenting plan that would cover this kind of situation without making you look like a monster. *Maybe* something to the effect that each parent will pay half the costs of 2 'routine' visits per year, half of all *emergency* visits, and that any visits in excess of these will be paid by the parent who schedules the appointment?

As for dealing with it, I'd suggest that Dad schedule one 'consultation appointment' with each of the kids' primary care doctors (Ped. and Allergist) and in that appt., mention that BM appears a bit over-anxious (but that if the Dr. disagrees, he'd be very open to hearing from Dr. why such concern is appropriate) and that there have been several incidents in the past where your household has been unfairly blamed (dog and stomach-punches), and that you'd appreciate any input the Dr. could provide that might prevent such finger-pointing in the future. (Dr. should have no trouble spotting finger-pointing and also no trouble realizing how not-helpful it is.)


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

I agree with sweeby, i would meet with a doctor and discuss if there are health concerns and if there are no cocnerns maybe I would talk to an attonrey what is resonable number of visits that dad has to attend. It sounds outrageous. 4 a week? It is like daily.

why did the kids say they were punched in a stomach? Both of them lied? Did BM get in trouble for making them lie? I am actually surprised they were taken away. I had a student punched in a stomach by his mother (actually happened, not made up). They had some mandatory intervetion done by CPS, but no one took anyone away.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Who has primary custody? What does the court order say as to who is responsible for making medical decisions? If it's the mom you may be out of luck. Sweeby's idea of any visits after two will be paid by the parent who schedules it sounds like a good idea.

"And how many times a year is it realistic to expect a normally healthy kid to see their pediatrician or allergist?"
I only take my kids to see the doctor if they need it, not for every little sniffle. For one, I can't afford to take off from work, and two, even with health insurance it can get expensive. My eldest has not seen the doctor in years. My younger one saw the doctor several times one year, but each time it was for something. Once for a fire ant bite, another time a really bad cold, and once for something else, I forget what.

BM must be loaded to be able to take kids to the doctor all the time, not to mention the time off from work to take them. Or does she work?


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

No idea what is available in your area as to electronic medical records, but for my family this is our solution. With our medical group keeping track and up to the minute with one's dr/s is as simple as accessing the EMR online.

We can view records, tests/results, treatments, schedule appoinments, make refills for meds, email dr/drs nurse and on and on. No need for phone to phone repeats of past history/visits. No need for opposite parent to attend appointment (as long as opposite has permission/legal rights to person's records). Whether child's pediatrician or pediatric allergist, it's all at a click of a mouse.

As far as 'how often', my own DD sees her pediatrician once a year as a scheduled yearly physical and check-up. After that she sees dr as needed. Sometimes not at all, other years mutli times. She's has strep throat twice since February this year and some years she will need to go for ear infections. She's a pretty healthy child. When she was younger she had a specialist she had to see every three months for blood test and supervision over something she was born with which had to be monitored. Not anymore, so she's back to the mandatory routine kid health stuff that assures good health, developing normally blah blah.

Being your SKs are visiting an allergist so often, is BM taking them in at every little sneeze or are perhaps the children undergoing a treatment plan to boost their systems to become more immune? I'm actually surprised if you use normal insurance companies as basis for payments that the company has not began to question amount of visits and the true need in so many.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Thanks so much for the thoughts!

justmetoo- I don't believe our area has an electronic access system but I wish we did. What an excellent solution!

parentofone- the kids weren't taken away by CPS - they thought the whole thing was a hoax from the beginging. BM gave the doctor's report to her lawyer who brought it to a judge in an emergency hearing which we knew nothing about. And HE order the kids to be removed from us until it was figured out. Didn't talk to CPS at all. And yes, both kids lied to the doctor telling us and their counselor after "mommy would be very mad if we didn't" :(

To give more insight BM is a teacher and it seems she can take off and get a sub whenever she likes. DH is a business owner and while flexible he does not have anyone else doing the work for him when he is gone. Time away just means more time at work later. Her and DH have joint custody and joint decision making on medical decisions and they are under her insurance. She gets great insurance as a teacher and in my opinion is abusing the heck out of it, she should be a poster child for what's wrong with health care in this country (not starting a political debate here).


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

"BM gave the doctor's report to her lawyer who brought it to a judge in an emergency hearing which we knew nothing about. And HE order the kids to be removed from us until it was figured out. Didn't talk to CPS at all. And yes, both kids lied to the doctor telling us and their counselor after "mommy would be very mad if we didn't" :( "

WHOA - I missed the part about BM getting the kids to say their dad punched in the stomach. Like Parent asked - What happened when it was discovered that BM told the children to lie?

It sounds to me like you have something bigger going on than just too many doctor appointments. It sounds like BM is trying to find ways to keep the kids from your DH. Right now ya'll have joint custody, does she want sole custody? Does child support factor into this?

Maybe if you find out what her motivation is you may find a better way of combatting her tactics.
Getting the kids to lie and say that their dad is abusing them is a HUGE issue. I don't know too much about it, but I would think you have a good case for parent alienation.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

In our order it says both parents have exclusive right to seek medical treatment but must confer with the other before any invasive procedure can be performed. Also it states that both parents have access to medical records and can confer with child's doctor at any time.

Make sure your orde specifically gives you those rights.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

"In our order it says both parents have exclusive right to seek medical treatment but must confer with the other before any invasive procedure can be performed. Also it states that both parents have access to medical records and can confer with child's doctor at any time. "

That's pretty typical, and works fine when both parents are reasonable. But it seems like OP wants BioMom to take the kids to the doctor LESS than she wants to --understandably, from what OP has written. Your language wouldn't do anything to change/improve that situation.

"She suggested I attend the appointments if DH can't- BM would have a heart attack! She has conveniently convinced herself that I don't exist and have been a figment of her imagination for the last four years."

I forgot about this part of the original... So would you be willing to do it NewWife? Just to demonstrate how concerned you are for the kids' wellfare and all... Could be after BioMom is forced to work with you a few times, she'll cut back on the Dr. calls or violate the notice requirements. (Don't mean to imply that you're unpleasant or anything - just awkward situation, IYKWIM)


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Don't be surprised if they don't allow you to go in DHs place. Our order also states that it's only the bioparents that can seek medical treatment. Well literally SM and my DH have no rights other than picking up from school. But that's because I have a crazy SM to deal with. Sounds like you have a crazy BM.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Hmm, you say the boys have a "mild" allergy to dogs? Maybe it takes a while to kick in and they go back to her in worse shape than you think. If I had a kid with a mild allergy to dogs I would get rid of the dog. Where I live, teachers do not get unlimited paid absenses. Maybe she is taking them after school, but unless you know details of her compensation structure, i would not assume unlimited paid absenses.

I get it that she doesnt want you there. That doesnt mean she doesnt recognize your existence, just that she doesnt recognize you as a parent.


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

This is a huge issue with us as well. And it's a tricky subject legally. Depending on the type of custody arrangement.

Our problem is that BM takes SD 11 to doctors appointments and then lies to us about the outcome/diagnosis.

She took her to an allergist, emailed us that she has eczema, asthma, and is allergic to dogs and some types of wood. She advised us we'd have to get rid of our dogs. Nevermind she has 2 dogs of her own. We called the allergist ourself and he advised us that he did not diagnos eczema, even though BM was pushing him to and he did not think that she had asthma. He said the prick test revealed no allergies but BM pushed for furhther testing so they did the needle test. It came back allergic to dogs as a 1 on a scale of 1-5, 1 being lowest. He said she wouldn't have any symptoms unless she was wearing a Golden Retreiver as a mask. lol.

He said he felt like BM was pushing him to say something was wrong with her child and seemed disappointed when there wasn't.

My SD stubbed her toe a while back and BM wanted to take her for an xray. DH said "do whatever you want but I'm not giving you money for the bill". She of course called him a bad father yaddah yaddah and all that good stuff. Took her for the xray and called to let us know that SD did in fact have a "severely bruised toe bone". No treatment. Just tape it up. So she paid $178 for an xray for nothing.
Fast forward to 1 week ago. My SD pediatrician passed away so I went to pick up her medical files. I was looking through them and I see the letter from the xray place. What do you know it says there was nothing wrong with her toe and everything was normal!!!!!

If you find out what to do about this problem let me know because I'm sick of it!!!! Oh and did I mention she always makes sure that the bills are sent to us in my husbands name?!?!?!?


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

"My SD pediatrician passed away so I went to pick up her medical files. I was looking through them "

Wow, just wow.


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Buying a Dog to annoy Other parent

So Dad and SM know that kid has "mild allergy to dog" yet they still buy one. Does it occur to them that mom is pi$$ed as all he double hockey sticks becuase she thinks dad and Sm are bribing/offering up a dog, which she wont go along with???


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

KKNY, we told BM to go get the records. She didn't and they are closing the office permanently on Monday. We went on Friday. We also advised her we would get them and she said ok.

And Um....I had the 2 dogs before I even met or married my DH. SD has been around them for over 3 years and had no symptoms. She also has no symptoms around her Mom's 2 dogs. I thought it was pretty clear from my post that we had the dogs before she went to the allergist. Any why would you automatically assume we bribed her with a dog?

Let me guess? You're a Bio-Mom?

And you completely ignore that fact that she flat out lied to us more than once about SD's medical conditions. You have nothing to say about that? How about the time she tried to get $$$ out of us for braces (when the kid was 7 and still had baby teeth) and then we find out she actually hadn't been to the dentist in over 18 months.

We don't play or watch hockey so I'm not quite sure what you're getting at :)


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

This is what you said in post one

-----------------------------------

Her latest antic is trying to prove they are allergic to our dog (they have no symptoms in our home). Presumably to get the court to reduce our 50/50 schedule or simply to get the dog removed from the home. We were proactive before purchasing the dog and consulted their allergist (chosen by BM) - he gave us a list of acceptable breeds and said it was fine.

------------------------------------------

Seems pretty clear to me that you bought the dogs AFTER the kids were there.

As to your READING the records -- please tell me how you justify that.


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Not 'OUR' parenting plan

Yes I am a biomom, and yes, I would be furious with you, starting with your first post, as to "OUR parenting plan" YOU are not part of parenting plan. Step back.


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RE: KKNY I'm not the original poster

KKNY:

1. The post you quoted was not made by me. It was made by original poster.

2. DH went through his daughter's medical files and when he saw even more proof that he'd been lied to by his ex he shared that information with me. Which as his wife he has a right to do.

3. You are completely ignoring the fact that BM is lying to DH about daughters medical conditions and advised us we needed to get rid of our dogs even though she had no plans to get rid of her own.

4. I thought this was going to be a place for all members of step families to support one another. Not to get attacked by a crazy, out of reality BM. I have enough of that in real life thank you. If I didn't know any better I'd say you might be my BM. Hmm....can't get facts straight, speaks out of anger, ignores reality.......Yup. Sounds like her!


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SMs buying dogs

My apologies for confusing SMs buying dogs. But if anyone knows a kid has a mild allergy, they should not bring a new dog into the house.

Your DH can share whatever he wants. YOU should not be reading medical files.


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RE: Thanks

KKNY, thank you for apologizing. We'll have to agree to disagree because I don't see the difference if he reads it to me or if I read it myself. Either way I'm getting the same information and if he says I can read it so what. BM could show it to anyone and DH wouldn't give a hoot. It's not like it has some big family secret in it.

I take SD to all dental appointmens as well as yearly well checks. BM knows this and could easily stop it by taking her herself. She hasn't objected to me taking her so in our particular case I didn't feel it would be a big deal if I read the files or had them read to me.

I agree with you, if there were known allergies, no dogs. But we already had the dogs and the Dr. said the allergies were not severe enough to get a reaction.

I feel like you only see in B&W and just because I'm a SMom I"m automatically wrong?

PS...I just had DH call BM and ask if I could read the records and she thanked us for picking them up and said yea sure why not. If she could keep track of her lies she might care if either of us read it. LOL


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

JessNatPat--- careful ... You're a new member here and Im sure you are just new to how it works here on Gw... We don't throw you're a BM or you're an Sm around... Not sure what kkny is but careful on the assumption that because one has an opinion they are of the other that you are not. Might offend an actual BM.. Like me. And I generally side with the SMs on this forum and not their BM in the story...


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

kkny has fantastic points on several things... but she is notoriously (for several years) a BM advocate with a serious dose of anti SM due to her own experiance...which has not been good.

Yes, JessNatPAt should be careful because there are some great BMs here


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Myfam,

Sorry I didn't mean to generalize all BM's or sterotype them as being "against" SM's. I'll try to not speak in thoes terms.

I just didn't think the 1st time I posted I would be attacked by someone telling me what I should or should not be doing without even asking me questions about my own situation, or even getting their own facts straight. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but the world is not black and white. There are some cases where it's fine for a SM to see medical records. And if my SD's BM is ok with it why should KKNY be so outraged over it?


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RE: Doctor Appointments - how to regulate?

Oh I agree with you. I actually wouldn't care either if SM saw my child's medical records either because honestly I couldn't stop her or control her if I tried. She is married to BD and if he has them, she has them.

I tend to do all of the things in our situation so this wouldn't come up at all. part of keeping my 'control' of being the 'mother' is to make sure I am available to take dd to the doctor or dentist etc. If I start delegating out my 'jobs' I might feel that SM is taking over my 'territory' but a lot of mom's don't or can't take on the responsibility of dr visits and SM ends up doing it and then BM is screaming, these are my kids!! Which I believe if I am doing my job, then SM doesn't have to do it and therefore I do not feel territorial or that she is stepping into my place... If your BM is ok with you doing those things then that's great and no one here should be concerned about it. What might be of concern is if you were overstepping and taking over while BM just wasn't faster than you (which I have dealt with) and there was a power struggle of 'who's job' it is... Then there might be concern..


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