Tune her out. Really. Take her power trip she has in your head and turn it off.

Ms Trash Talk can't actually live in your head unless you allow her to. No, she should not be yakking trash to the adult children...but honestly, think about it. Your kids know you. They have lived with and observed you for years. Through good and bad. Nothing Ms Trash Talk can say will make them stop loving you and nothing that will change the fact you are their mother. Tune Trashy out. Refuse to discuss Trashy with your children. She is what she is and short of duct taping her mouth you can't control what falls out of her trap.

You didn't mention how long Ms Trash Talk has been in the children's lives, but I'll take it quite a while. No woman would expect to take a 'place of honor' at a stepchild's wedding unless they've been a part of the kids life. And if Dad paid for the wedding or part of it, Dad would of course expect his wife to be included.

I never really understood the wedding picture tiffs. JMO, but any adult child getting married should have enough sense in their heads and be mature enough to figure a whole lot of photos will be taken. Bride with Mom and Dad, bride with Dad and SM, Mom and SF, entire wedding party photos with couple and all parents (steps included) blah blah blah. Petty jealousy over photos does not belong at a child's wedding. Plenty of pics should be taken to make everybody happy.

I'm going to assume you didn't make SM sit by herself in the back of the church. I'll assume too that you did not seat her out in the guest section at the reception. There are ways of handling difficult situations. Should Trashy confronted you at a wedding, of course not...but you didn't tell 'us' what did set her off. If you indeed did nothing and treated her civil and with some respect, then again, it's her problem, tune her out. Walk away. One can't agrue if there is nobody standing there to agrue with.

Why do you and ex with to consult with all the holiday arrangements? You're talking about children old enough to be married, so I'll assume these darlings are old enough to pick up phones and talk to each parent individually...and keep calling and talking until agreeable arrangements are settled. Things sometimes have to change when our kids start marrying. We sometimes have to accommodate multi families. Example, not just Mom or Dad's house but now also the new inlaw's house and family.

You are correct SM has been in the picture for years. My kids were nearly teens when they married. She was seated next to her husband for everything. She was given a corsage and walked down the aisle. The kids lived with me and visited dad every other weekend. Her parents were treated like the other grandparents.

She was set off because some one from her extended family was told they could not go to the rehearsal dinner. It was a choice my ex-husband had to make. If he had not an additional 30 people would have to been invited. The confrontation was because a video was made for the kids and there were not enough pictures of my ex. I did not make the video nor had any part in it.

This really sad but my ex can not talk to me so we can not make it better for everyone. I did choose to ignore her then she convinced one of my children in law that I was the devil reincarnated. It has caused marital issues for my kids. We have tried to be accommodating with holidays and such but even that is such a battle. I know my ex needs to step up and try to make things better but he will not... Another reason why he is an ex.