Being a stepmom to adult children whose mother has died
clg080611
11 years ago
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justmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoceph
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Suppporting Adult Children
Comments (61)Jerseystepmom: Amen to your CC post! Our family physician is a childhood friend of my father's from a tiny town in Ohio. He is now the primary caregiver to a prince from the middle east! (The Prince flies here and picks up the Dr. and they see the world whenever he'd like to. The Dr. is over 70 and semi-retired and Jewish so we always laugh as we wonder if the Prince knows the Dr. is a Jew and never got a college degree! We love him.) I mention this because the Dr. never got his Bachelor's degree and got his MD from Mexico! He's a great Dr. and no one asks nor cares where the schooling took place, just that he's a great DR! Lafevm: I think it is so commendable the way you've handled things - repaying your parents, looking out for your skids and your biokids. I have to agree, too, that to me, college should be thought about EARLY! My DH and his X apparently had nothing for the kids saved up. If we get the ins. money from our fire soon, I've already told DH we're doing the pre-paid FL college thing for all three boys. That being said, I thought it was AWFUL that the BM in our case refused to help any of her three kids AT ALL. In fact, she wouldn't even go help them move to college for the first time! I don't think being chained to a room would prevent me from seeing my 'babies' off for the first time...but we're all different. You and I are a lot alike. My parents ALWAYS came over on Christmas w/ gift certificates and cash for my skids. (they rarely got 'thank you cards' initially but it has greatly improved over the years...) TOS: Don't mention that 'co-signing' thing to me! I'm the fool who did that for SS and you know how that pans out...I was told, after the fact, that you should never cosign a loan you aren't willing to view as your own. Sheesh! If I hadn't done it, I'm sure the family would have had a field day w/ that. But, I did it and I believed in him despite his prima donna ways, etc. The BM was over two mos. ago and kind of made fun of me for cosigning. I was very angry. Never was there a "thanks" for anything I did for him and even his sisters. It was just, "I'd have NEVER signed a note for him! What were you thinking?" I said, "Well, I was once in the same boat and my g-father cosigned for me. It was a signature that stood between me and my dental degree and he did it w/ no questions asked. I thought J would finish and pay it back." I added that it wasn't enough money to lose your family over in case she ever heard from him... D...See MoreIf I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
Comments (16)Hi Dana, I had to work yesterday, so didn't have time to reply to your first response. First, it's important to understand that my stepmother is mentally ill. Her illness, which I believe to be a combination of borderline personality disorder and paranoid personality disorder, makes her a very difficult person to deal with. The only reservation we ever had was that she was already married when she met my father, and then pushed my dad to get married right away. We were concerned things were going too fast. She was antagonistic to my youngest sister right off, mostly because that is the sister who is very much like mom. I later found out that my SM started watching the family videotapes almost immediately after moving into Dad's house. She didn't watch them with anyone else, but by herself. We found out because a family acquaintance came over to the house unexpectedly and discovered her doing that. My stepmother's response? "I want to see what's so great about this other woman." Still, I do believe she feels threatened by us, although we've never threatened their marriage. According to my dad, he started regretting his hasty decision to marry within a month or two of their wedding. She decided the only reason he could have come to that decision was because we were urging him to dump her. I would NEVER presume to do that. I don't offer marital advice to anyone and could not imagine intruding in my dad's marriage in that way. All of my sisters feel the same. (Side note: One sister tells me that's the reason she confides in me about fights she and her husband have had ... because I always point out his good qualities and the things she loves about him, rather than take her side and bash him.) My dad says it's only been in the past year that he has realized how much she's lied about. We've been accused of saying and doing things that never happened. Turns out, she was telling dad that we were calling when he was gone and cursing her out. She also told him that his brother borrowed $1,000 from her and never paid her back. Untrue. For a while, I've wondered if she knows the difference between fact and fiction. My sense is that she makes up those incidents, knowing at the time that they're fictional, but after she's told the story a couple of times, the event becomes real to her. As for apologizing, I have done so, over and over again. Dad says she absolutely will not forgive -- that once she feels someone has wronged her, she hates that person forever. He also says she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong....See MoreStepmom being unreasonable?
Comments (9)If only it were that simple. My poor DH took the job in NYC following his divorce because he took a bath. His ex-wife got 65% of their marital assets (including most of the retirement funds), and his obligations included an $8,000/month fixed and guaranteed child support/maintenance payment, as well as 100% of the boys' college tuitions. He also had agreed to pay reduced maintenance upon his ex-wife's remarriage. She had already had her next husband lined up in DC, and she told DH she would need the additional maintenance (in addition to the child support) in order to stay in the Chicago area until the youngest son graduated. She reneged on that and moved to DC when she married last summer, and that's why the boys came to live with us, but she still gets her maintenance checks. The reduced maintenance runs for 3 years of her marriage or until youngest son graduates, so she synched her remarriage to get the maximum maintenance. Anyway, DH took the job before I was in the picture, and I think most divorced dads in that situation would just start a new life in their new city. My husband choose to keep his post-divorce apartment here so that he could come home on the weekends and be with the boys. He had tried to find a similar position in the Chicago area, but there just wasn't anything. So now DH commutes. He's usually home for 3 or 4 days on the weekends (yes, he can take long weekends, the flip is that he works 15 hour days while in NYC), and he does take time off during the school breaks (all winter break, spring break, and several weeks in the summer), so he does spend time with the kids. The irony of all this is that youngest son, during his recent tirade about how he doesn't want to live with us because of all our stupid rules, said he would follow his BM's rules because, as he put it, "No offense, dad, but I respect mom more than I respect you." This would be the mom that took off for DC and dumped him off with us. Go figure. I should also add that my ex-husband (my daughters' bio dad) is a lawyer who returned to Israel. Try collecting child support from that. So my DH supports all of us. I once had a conversation with DH's ex-wife about how we actually have 5 college tuitions to pay for, and she said, "But DH doesn't have to pay for the girls' college!" She was really surprised that he would, and thought that he shouldn't, but that is the kind of dad my DH is. I guess because I was raised by my stepdad, with a totally absent bio dad, I don't think anything unusual about this. Now that youngest son has opted to return to living with mom, our fixed and guaranteed child support/maintenance payment is $6,000/month, oldest son is in out-of-state private college with $40,000/year tuition, of which we pay 100%, we are still saving for college tuitions for younger kids, as well as for our retirement. My daughters are actually good girls. They are excellent students, involved in extracurricular school activities, they stay out of trouble, and were pretty upset by what happened with the step brother. They didn't want him to leave our home, and they think he's "dumb." I think the biggest difference between them and their step brothers is that the girls have always known what the rules were, and what was expected of them. I can't imagine my 14 yo ever skipping class (she is a straight A student), yet the boys were always doing that when they lived with their mom. I will share a funny story about BM. When oldest son first left for college, it was right after her remarriage and move to DC, so she was no longer receiving child support. She visited son at school, bought him 3 expensive NorthFace coats (we had bought him a new one before he left for school, we didn't realize he was going to need 3 more), and then called me to tell me she would need a reimbursement check. Her reasoning? Well, she was no longer getting child support. Never mind that she was still getting $2,000/month maintenance. I told her that oldest son was over 18, so no one gets child support for him, and that if any of us buy him something, it's a gift. She then said, well, she didn't want to ask for reimbursement, but her new husband thought she should. What a jerk. When I think of that compared to how DH treats my daughters, I have to feel sorry for BM, as well as my stepsons. What was my point? Oh, yes. We have a lot of financial obligations, plus my stepson DOES NOT want to live here (so long as I am here). He just wants to be able to "stay here" when it's not convenient for his BM. So I'm not sure that, at this point, my DH's 100% presence would make a difference....See MoreWho still has Adult children...............
Comments (37)i just had to respond to this because there are 2 sides too every situation. im 41 i semi live with my parents, i have on and off for years, i do have my own trailer, but my dad was so busy it will not be completed until spring. no i do not pay rent, but in my family its like one hand is there for the other. i do all the logging taxes, road taxes, book taxes..taxes taxes taxes ( WERE ALL GETTING TAXED TO DEATH) oops sorry about the caps, when it gets col d i have my own room, but i also cut firewood, still work in the log woods, do whatever my brother wont do, i clean up, sometimes i make dinner..depending on my moms mood long story there, i shovel in winter, i do everything that will help them out because theyve always been there for me. so its only right i do the same, and im happy to do it even if its just for something to do. i try to stay out of their way as much as possible because i feel like im intruding, but that just makes them mad lol this should be their time but noooo...they are stubborn lol maybe it has something to do with i was 15 when i moved out on my own went to school and held down a job and had my own place... they stuck by me then....and we will always stick by each other no matter what!! oh and a ps..i am totally sure i drive them up a tree every now and then lol after all what are kids for!! so yes i do semi live with my parents...See Moreclg080611
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSTEPH
6 years agolast modified: 6 years agosushipup1
6 years ago
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