Being a stepmom to adult children whose mother has died
clg080611
11 years ago
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justmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoceph
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Stepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See MoreAdult Daughter of Step-Mother Need Advice
Comments (7)I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you....See MoreSuppporting Adult Children
Comments (61)Jerseystepmom: Amen to your CC post! Our family physician is a childhood friend of my father's from a tiny town in Ohio. He is now the primary caregiver to a prince from the middle east! (The Prince flies here and picks up the Dr. and they see the world whenever he'd like to. The Dr. is over 70 and semi-retired and Jewish so we always laugh as we wonder if the Prince knows the Dr. is a Jew and never got a college degree! We love him.) I mention this because the Dr. never got his Bachelor's degree and got his MD from Mexico! He's a great Dr. and no one asks nor cares where the schooling took place, just that he's a great DR! Lafevm: I think it is so commendable the way you've handled things - repaying your parents, looking out for your skids and your biokids. I have to agree, too, that to me, college should be thought about EARLY! My DH and his X apparently had nothing for the kids saved up. If we get the ins. money from our fire soon, I've already told DH we're doing the pre-paid FL college thing for all three boys. That being said, I thought it was AWFUL that the BM in our case refused to help any of her three kids AT ALL. In fact, she wouldn't even go help them move to college for the first time! I don't think being chained to a room would prevent me from seeing my 'babies' off for the first time...but we're all different. You and I are a lot alike. My parents ALWAYS came over on Christmas w/ gift certificates and cash for my skids. (they rarely got 'thank you cards' initially but it has greatly improved over the years...) TOS: Don't mention that 'co-signing' thing to me! I'm the fool who did that for SS and you know how that pans out...I was told, after the fact, that you should never cosign a loan you aren't willing to view as your own. Sheesh! If I hadn't done it, I'm sure the family would have had a field day w/ that. But, I did it and I believed in him despite his prima donna ways, etc. The BM was over two mos. ago and kind of made fun of me for cosigning. I was very angry. Never was there a "thanks" for anything I did for him and even his sisters. It was just, "I'd have NEVER signed a note for him! What were you thinking?" I said, "Well, I was once in the same boat and my g-father cosigned for me. It was a signature that stood between me and my dental degree and he did it w/ no questions asked. I thought J would finish and pay it back." I added that it wasn't enough money to lose your family over in case she ever heard from him... D...See MoreChildren and Adults
Comments (60)I know bio mothers in intact families who read their daughters diary. It doesnt make it any less wrong. Privacy issues arent step family or non step family related. You reap what you sow with children, and if you snoop, expect to raise a snooper. If you are sarcastic, expect sarcasm. If you think someone is an annoying piece of work, expect them to think you are annoying. Most of the step moms who post on this forum are genuinely concerned about their families. Yes, many of them have a chip on their shoulder about the biomom, and blame problems on her, which may, or may not be fair. But overall most of the stepmoms do care about their stepkids and want to do the right thing by them There are a few stepmoms who post here that have made it obvious they dislike their stepchild, and have ever since the first time they met the child. They consider the problems in their home to be the stepchilds behaviour and although they are quick to point the finger at the bio mom for causing the child to act that way, they are clear that the child p*sses them off. THeir reactions are obviously annoyed at the child, and then peripherally at the biomom. They are incapable of separating the childs actions from the actions of the biomom. A very few of these posters are regular posters. I see nothing but trouble ahead for the marriages and/or family relationships of these posters. In my opinion, either their marriage will fail down the road because of the blatant dislike they show toward their stepchild, or the stepchild will at some point become alienated from their father and refuse to visit or talk to the father, because the child cant stand the stepparent. There are also a few posters who seem to see only the bad in their stepchild, and only the good in their own child. I think that it is more or less common in life to hold other peoples children to a higher standard than our own. Think of the relatives and neighbours around you. Most of us can easily see the problems with their kids, right? But love tints our vision of our own children. This is also a problem with bio dads who see only the good in their children, and stepmom sees the problems, and cant get dad to accept that the problem exists - also a reoccuring theme in the posts on this forum You cant force love, and you cant force good feelings. If they arent there, its hard to achieve harmony in a home. But adults should be the ones biting their tongue and giving the most. Expecting the kid to be the bridge builder isnt going to solve anything....See Moreclg080611
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoSTEPH
6 years agolast modified: 6 years agosushipup1
6 years ago
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