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Dont know where to turn

Posted by hoakie2601 (My Page) on
Mon, May 2, 11 at 23:36

I am having a couple issues. Please be patient and help me with this! I am open to advise both for me and against me!

First of all. My husbands grand kids lived with us until last month. They moved with there mother. Since they have been gone things have happened.

First of all his grand daughter who I thought I was close to. Told her mother that I was having an affair on my husband. Her mother took this and ran through the entire family with it. My husband told me that he did not believe it at all. That he knew that for the last 3.5 years I have either been with him or the kids. Now if we go to bed and I roll over and don�t kiss him he will say to me in the morning that maybe I do have a boyfriend cause I did not kiss him good night. Or if I get a call on my cell phone that I don�t know and don�t answer it he will say oh I see your boyfriend called you and you don�t want to talk to him in front of me.

Seconds thing. Since the kids have left my daughter has found that her Ipod is missing. When I told my husband he just says Oh well what can we do about it. He says that if he confront them they will just deny it. That they are his grand kids and we just have to accept it. They have been had been caught stealing and helping there selves to things that did not belong to them. But in the mean time my daughter is out an IPod.

When my husband calls the grand kids and I don�t want to talk to them he gets upset with me. I just can not bring myself to talk to them right now. I might add that he has to call them they don�t call us. But after all they have don�t I just cant do this right now. Both started other rumors also. When I refer to them as kids grand kids I might add that they are not blood related to him. They are grand kids by a marriage that ended in the passing of his wife.

Off to another issue I am having.

The first of April we had to make an emergency trip to Indiana (we are in Florida) because his father had open heart surgery. This was not a problem at all. Now the end of May is his parents 60th anniversary. His mom is having a dinner to celebrate this. I purchased a ticket for my husband to fly up on Sat morning and return Sun evening. I told him that I wish that I was able to go with him. He said why don�t you. I told him that with both trips we would have over 1000 in travel and we just could not do it that we needed to have some money. He told me that it was just because I did not want to go. This hurt. We have the money right now but we really need to save money. I told him that I would just buy a ticket because I did not want to have to go through this. He said no so I did not do it. We really need to have some money, we have no savings right now because of the cost of raising kids and getting no help for this. I just feel this distance with him right now cause I am not going. His mother told him that she understood and did not want to put a financial burden on us to come up for the dinner. But his is giving me so much because of it.

Please help here I am sick of all this and love my husband to death but cant keep this up!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Dont know where to turn

Well, the boyfriend rumor. I'm curious, how old is the child that started the rumor? Not excusing that behavior, but it sounds as if your husband knows it's not true but then he's now razzing you about it. Maybe he thinks it's funny to tease you... but if it bothers you, tell him. Simply something like "it hurts my feelings that you keep making comments that imply I have a boyfriend" or "it annoys me" or whatever the feelings you have. To me, this is about respect & unless he believes you have had or have a boyfriend, there is no reason to tolerate the teasing or accusations. If you think he seriously is starting to believe it, you really need to talk & get past it. He may have insecurities that you're not aware of, so be careful in the words you choose & how you approach it.

As for the missing iPod. Unfortunately, I have to agree with your husband... what can you do? Buy your daughter another one & when the potential thief has a birthday or Christmas, stick to one inexpensive gift... sorry, we don't have much money since we are replacing iPods. Accusing or confronting lead to denials... unless you think she'll confess & return it or replace it. She is family, whether by marriage or blood, especially grandkids.

As for the phone calls, it is unreasonable for anyone to expect anyone else to talk to someone. If you WANT to talk, you'll call them. That is YOUR relationship with them & it can only be defined by you and them. He has HIS relationship with them & if he chooses to call them, that's his choice. But, clearly that is a marital/husband problem that you might need to discuss.

As for the trip. If he wants you there, you should go. If he is paying or contributing to the cost of the ticket or if he is willing to do without so you can be with him, I can understand why he would get upset. I don't think it's unreasonable to think of the big financial picture, but if it's going to put a rift in your marriage, what good does saving a few bucks do? If it's going to financially ruin you, then he needs to put his priorities in order, but if you have the money but would just rather save it, then I'd probably find a way to go & cut back elsewhere.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Who old is this granddaughter doing the 'stealing' and story tellings?


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Hoakie, several years ago one of my "friends" told me this whole elaborate, convoluted story about something DH supposedly confessed to that had (supposedly) happened in the past. Since the story about DH's "confession" was so detailed it took me less than a day to realize that the timeline was all off; that the two of them had never been alone to talk at all that day and thus "confession" could never have happened, DH denied any such conversation or episode in the past, and again, logic would have made such a scenario very implausible anyway.

But it still bothers me. Not most of the time, very rarely, but every once in a while this allegation will come back to my mind and I'll think "Well, maybe...." I recalled other times that so-called "friend" had been less than honest, I no longer speak to this person - but even so, if someone that you thought cared about you says such an ugly thing, it's very difficult to completely eradicate that seed of doubt.

Your DH is in a very bad spot where either his wife (you) had an affair - or his GD is a nasty piece of work. Neither option is a pleasant one. I know it's unfair to you, not having done anything wrong, but it sounds like your DH needs reassurance, and may for some time yet.

I think you two need to have a serious talk. I'd explain how you don't care to speak to someone who caused him and you such hurt and who would spread such vicious slander.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

the kid might be very literal, he/she hears grandpa saying that grandma has a boyfriend, so he/she assumes that's the case. grandpa has no one to blame but himself for stupid jokes.

sorry about other stuff...honestly I would not be flying for just one day to eat dinner, sorry, with economy nowadays, no way. he can fly.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

She is 13 years old.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

so? 13 is not a grown woman. she didn't make it up, your husband has been saying that you have a boyfriend for quite some time. does she suppose to know you don't really have one? how does she suppose to know that?

i think it is the dumbest thing to say in front of a child or anybody. what i do not understand how is it OK for a grown and possibly elderly man to talk nonsense to his wife in front of young kids, but is not OK for a 13-year old to repeat it?

you seem to be holding a young girl to the higher standard than you hold your own husband.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

I got the opinion the 'teasing' started after SGD suggested the affair/cheating.

--"When I refer to them as kids grand kids I might add that they are not blood related to him. They are grand kids by a marriage that ended in the passing of his wife"--

Yet, DH's heart did not stop when his last wife ceased to be...fact this child continued to live with him. I realize you're hurt/angry but don't discount DH's relationship with what he considers his family.

So DH is 60ish, how old are you? How old is your daughter living with you that had her Ipod snatched? You and Dh have been together 3 and 1/2 yrs? How long have this been in actual marriage? Any casual longtime male friends that you communicate with that SGD could have misunderstood relationship with? How long was DH married to this last wife...it sounds like the stepchildren and thus the stepgrandchildren may have a bit of feeling of being displaced and run off? SGD lived with who she views as "Grandpa" and suddenly moves off with her mother...how long did child live with Gpa?

--"He told me that it was just because I did not want to go."--

Husband wants you to go. Even if you were not facing rumors of another man, I don't find his desire to have you go to his parents 60th anniversary lunch all that unreasonable. These parents have to be pushing 80 something and there is no way of knowing how long DH has left celebrate with his parents and he wants you to be a part of that. That's not particularly abnormal.

--"We have the money right now but we really need to save money. I told him that I would just buy a ticket because I did not want to have to go through this. He said no so I did not do it. We really need to have some money, we have no savings right now because of the cost of raising kids and getting no help for this."--

I get the desire to 'save' and plan towards retirement, but seriously what's a thousand in the thick of things? I'm assuming DH feels he can spare this money for this purpose...is the cash really putting a hardship on your household? Is there a struggle in home as to how and when money (his money/your money/our money) will be spent?


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Just to clear this up. he did not start teasing me about the boyfriend things until after the rumor was started. She did not hear this.

My husband is in his early 50's! I am in my mid 40's and my daughter that got her IPod snatched is 17. My husband and I where married for a year when the kids came to live with us. He did not have them when we met. We both faught for them to come with us, because mom was going to prison and they where headed to foster care.

When I say that they are not blood relatives, this is because this is something that was often thrown into our faces with the kids.

As I said before we had to make a trip to his parents last month. When we where with the his mother told him the she did not want to put a strain on us by coming back in May for the dinner. Taking the terp with him would put a strian on us but not a hardship. Also the other people in the hosue would have to be home alone to go. I hate leaving my daughter home alone.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Oh my bad, sorry, I misunderstood! I read in a hurry. I thought grandpa was making dumb comments and she was repeating it! She made it up, where is that coming from? wow, you both are quiet young for 13-year-old grandchild (even if not bio) but then again my mother is 65 and my DD is 23.

I totally understand not traveling for dinner.

Forget about the IPod, you didn't see them taking it.

Their mother was in jail...Is it his stepdaughter?


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Yes she is his stepdaughter. Is deceased wife was 8 years older than he was. I have kids that are 18 and 15 so no I am not old enough to have a 13 year old grandchild!

Yes mom was in jail for many charges including grand theif and drug charges.

I am not sure where it came from but we did have a talk and he is no longer saying things like that to me. He understood how it hurt my feelings.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Well one post states daughter at 17 and the next post at 18, but guess it really does not matter, I'll assume you know how old your teen is.

So if DH has agreed that the teasing is offensive and to knock it off, that part is finished. Your MIL has given an 'out' for the Indiana trip, so that part is also non-issue now. Maybe you and DH can drive up for a weekend at some later point when time and expense allows.

So you're down to the phone calls to the SGKs that DH thinks you should partake in? Do the same that you did with the teasing and trip...sit down with DH and talk to him. If he can understand your hurt feeling over his teasing he should be able to grasp how you are feeling right now towards the kids that started the mess.

Let him talk to the kids all he pleases, but right now you have no desire, have fresh 'wounds' and need a bit of time to rethink your relationship with the kids. Forget the IPod, make it your personal feelings and hurt over the strain/stress the false rumors not only put you under but also your marriage (via DH's possible beliefs of the rumors false or not). Simply 'you're sorry but right now you just need a bit of space from the kids, you've been hurt and your trust and respect in them has been misplaced'.

As Ima stated above --"As for the phone calls, it is unreasonable for anyone to expect anyone else to talk to someone. If you WANT to talk, you'll call them. That is YOUR relationship with them & it can only be defined by you and them. He has HIS relationship with them & if he chooses to call them, that's his choice. But, clearly that is a marital/husband problem that you might need to discuss."--

Talk it out. DH does not have to agree with your decision to talk or not, but he needs to know how you are feeling about being forced/requested to talk and he needs to respect your feelings. How would he feel if your children pulled this on him? The SGD damanged her own relationship with you, it's between you and the child when and how you repair it. Maybe it will begin when the SGD personally phones you and sincerly apologizes for her actions towards you and the property of others. Don't hold your breath on that one though.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

justmetto I recently told a person at work that DD is 22, i don't know what I was thinking, she is 23, I definitelly know that. :)

i think that maybe SGD needs to be told by another adult to call you and apologize for trouble she caused. She might not think of it on her own.


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RE: Dont know where to turn

Thanks to everyone for your imput on this. Yes I know the age of my daughter and made a typo. It happens!


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RE: Dont know where to turn

I do it all the time on here. Dd is days away from 10 and I have been saying my daughter is 10 or almost 10 or I have a 10 yr old. But by the birth certificate she is actually 9 for a few more days.... But I can describe her as 10 easier bc in my opinion it's only 1 yr but 9 and 10 are so different in maturity and in different behaviors ... It's better to describe her as 10 bc she acts more like a 10 yr old these days than a just turned 9 yr old...


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