Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
SD's birthday

Posted by yabber (My Page) on
Wed, May 12, 10 at 22:26

It's SD13's birthday coming up this Sunday.
BM usually doesn't let FDH see kids on birthdays, when he asks they're all booked up, if he doesn't ask then BM says it's because FDH can't be bothered. You can't win and the outcome is always the same.

But this time SD13 has asked to come over for dinner on her birthday, how nice. BM always hammers them about how parents should be flexible (and then interrupts our weekend with her plans) so she had to allow SD's to come over.
FDH re-confirmed with SD13 last week, just to make sure it was still on. It was and so we've organised the family to come over, it's all good.

Phonecall from SD13 last night. BM has organised to go to the movies on Sunday night, surprise surprise, so she can't come over anymore, she's busy now all day and night.

Of course the movies can be organised for another time, and we've already got family invited, plans made and everything. But it's not going to happen because once BM decides she's not coming..well, she's not coming.

BM is always and forever wanting to make the point that FDH has no say because he's not important like she is, and showing FDH that SD13 rather goes to movies with her then comes to our place. This is all about BM confirming for herself that she's most important.

SD has now asked to come on Monday so that is what we're doing, there's no point trying to talk reason with BM and allow SD13 to come on Sunday. And pressuring SD is not what we want to do so we re-schedule the family for Monday.

BM is making life really difficult at the moment, for all of us. And what will be next? We can never plan anything or look forward to anything, and everything is always stressful till the last minute, this lady is wearing us down, seriously. I cannot imagine the stresslevels for the kids, the pressure.

Just venting, and now I'm done.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: SD's birthday

go to court and get it all on paper, who sees the kids which holidays. if parents do not get along, they should go through courts.


 o
RE: SD's birthday

it's time to arm the kids... they are the only ones at this point that can stand up to anything... if a 13 year old expresses the desire to live with her then the courts will listen...(although I will say the courts are not equiped to deal with or acknowledge the parental influence on a childs decision)...sd must learn to stand up for herself and do what she wants to and what she feels right... I always tell my kids ... if you think you are right even if it is against me or dad you should fight to the end... Always fight for what you know in your heart is right


 o
RE: SD's birthday

I totally understand what you're going through. It's pretty much the same thing as us, except BM moved away.

The irony is that once kids get to the magical age where they can influence a judge's decision on where they live, if they're being brainwashed (like my SD and your SC), the brainwashing has already succeeded and the kids really are making their own decisions.

I believe this to be what's going on with your SD13 with her moving back in with BM. There's really nothing you can do about it, unfortunately, as we are finding out now.


 o
RE: SD's birthday

Ashley it's so nice to hear from someone who understands, this is exactly how it is. And lucky for us BM lives close and we still see skids regularly.

There seems to be one big difference that I've noticed, and that is that your BM does not want to interact with DH, and ours does. This is really lucky for us because it stops her from alienating the kids completely. BM is driven by the need to show FDH, to prove something to him, and he needs to stay involved for this.

As for court, you say it so well. The kids get to have a say, and after successful manipulation they have been brainwashed into saying what 'they' want. Nothing you can do about that. We went to court and this is what happened, so been there and done that :-(

The judge made orders flexible so kids can go to other parent (whom they are not staying with on the particular day) to celebrate birthdays, attend family gatherings etc. So when SD's birthday falls in BM's time BM should be flexible and allow SD to come to us. This is what order says. So BM says yes she can come, and then plans to go to the movies and encourages (=manipulates) SD to change her mind. She tells SD that the order is flexible so really, it shouldn't be a big deal if FDH sees her on Monday instead of on her birthday. And presto; there's the ultimate trick: she misuses the flexible order to confuse SD. After all, if FDH protests he is the inflexible one isn't he? Now that is brainwashing for you.

I believe that eventually it's going to be impossible for BM to keep the tight grip, and it will blow up in a big way, but for now there's nothing much we can do.


 o
RE: SD's birthday

"So when SD's birthday falls in BM's time BM should be flexible and allow SD to come to us."

I agree that what mom does is wrong, and I hear dad's frustration, she should stick to plans but saying that...if her birthday falls on mom's day why should she come to dads and why mom has to be flexible rather than dad? Why can't she be with mom on her birthday?

i suspect that SD is afraid to upset either parent, so she tells dad what he wants to hear, she will come over without consulting with mom and discussing mom's plans? And then tells mom what mom wants to hear?

It is not the same but we had few situation when DD committed to events or friends without ever discussing anything with adults. Teenagers are not very good making plans that's why i think mom and dad have to make arrangements for her birthday ahead of time and discuss it themselves first.


 o
RE: SD's birthday

I hear what you're saying FD, but this is where a forum is not the best to try and explain I guess. Of course kids can play parents, or try and please them both, it is pretty common I'm sure. And my SD's will do it from time to time, no doubt. But the majority of the time it is not the case, it really isn't. I can't prove that here, but I know that I'm not jumping to any conclusions because we've been dealing with the disordered behavior for a long time now. We know what is going on here.

The skids have always been manipulated by BM and have always been used as pawns. The behavior I described above is a result of that. If SD felt obliged to please both parents, the outcome would not always go BM's way. But it always does. So then you might think SD just doesn't want to spend so much time with FDH or see FDH on birthdays etc. But then why would she want to come and stay with us 50% before, if you would see what she's like with us you'd know that she's enjoying spending time with us.


 o
RE: SD's birthday

Last night we celebrated SD14's birthday and it was nice. When FDH asked how the movie was she told us they didn't end up going. Wow that's a surprise...

She also didn't get a birthday cake, they had enough leftovers from baby brothers 2nd birthday (which was the day before SD's birthday). I don't think that's very nice.

I quote myself:"BM is always and forever wanting to make the point that FDH has no say because he's not important like she is, and showing FDH that SD13 rather goes to movies with her then comes to our place. This is all about BM confirming for herself that she's most important."

Well I guess BM proved it to herself again. So once SD14 caved in to not see FDH there was no incentive to go to movies anymore. After all BM already got her needs fulfilled.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here