Is it possible she felt on the spot and invited her just to be nice? If she hates the ex and the ex showed up with a gift, then I can see feeling obligated to invite her if they were getting ready to leave.... and she was probably glad she declined.

Of course, it doesn't make it any easier to find out by the ex throwing it up in your face.

I can understand you being upset about mil inviting ex to dinner and nobody mentioning it to you.

But you can not expect everyone in dh's family to hate ex because you do. I am still very close with my ex's family. We were together all through high school, a time when your around your family a lot. So I knew them well and kind of "grew up" around them.

I talk to his sister and his mom quite a bit. They call me. When I went out of state last summer with the kids to visit friends I knew we would only be about 2 hours from my ex's mom's house (we live about 7 hours from her) So I called her and made plans to visit with her for a day with my son while we were out of town.

Before I was married to dh my ex's family used to invite me to holidays. I would go there to drop off my son and stay for a while.

So I guess what I am saying is that you should go ahead with your seperate graduation parties but not focus on being upset with dh's family members for being friendly to someone who used to be part of their family.

I know my dear MIL still sees Hubby's Ex. MIL is a lovely, caring woman, and even though Hubby's Ex was unfaithful to Hubby and not good for him, and MIL loves me -- well, she's just kind and sweet, and wouldn't cut off someone to whome she was close for 7 years.

It used to surprise me at first (unpleasantly, of course) -- but I've come to realize it's no skin off my back, no threat to my marriage. And it makes Hubby much more uncomfortable than it makes me ;-)

I am close to my exparents-in-law. I see them when i am in hometown, i talk on the phone and yes i give gifts when i see them. i would be probably hurt if they decide not to see or not to talk to me just because my X's wife doesn't like me (she does, I am just being hypothetical).

My relationship with X's parents doesn't bother my X.

i also think that your DH's brothers could maintaian relationship with whomever they want to. I don't think it should concern you. You don't have to invite her over but if they do, I don't think it is even your business.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I guess they do view it as none of my business, but when she hurt THEIR brother/son so much and THEIR nephew and niece, I don't know why they would even WANT to have anything to do with her. I don't want them to hate her simply because I do -- I just don't know how they can overlook all the turmoil she put them through (before I was even in the picture) and just be friends because she is "nice" (i.e., manipulative!). I see it as a betrayal to him....especially when he even says "I don't get it - they weren't this close to her when we were married!!!" To me, that spells her manipulation of them to include her so that she can insert herself in our lives, like she always tries to do. Even regarding the graduation parties - you can bet that she ran back to them and said that "stepmom won't let me come" when that is not the truth at all - her son and her ex don't want her there, but I have become the voice of our family in a lot of ways (I know, my own fault, but.....God love my husband, he gets details mixed up and forgets things guy style....and with a woman looking to pounce at every corner, you need to be on your toes with her).

also, like sweeby, the ex cheated on my husband, moved away from her son (and left him for me to raise) and stole their daughter from her. She has done MAJOR damage to DH, SS and SD...... to overlook that to be equals a betrayal to their own blood.

Jersey, Totally understand how you feel..Betrayal of blood would be putting it mildly....When I first met one of my new SILs she told me she saw DHs Ex so seldom, she didnt remember what she looked like...Now, they call her constantly, invite her to showers, graduations, I dont get an invitation.My DH will not speak to any of the 4 SILs anymore for doing this, the big question is WHY?They also know Ex threw him out, bad mouthed him to the kids, took him to court 17 times for nonsense, hurt him deeply, but this continues.When my DH was critically ill, I called SS to let him know, he called BM, who called the SILs...DH felt that was a total invasion of privacy.He would have told ME to call them , had he wanted them to know..Of course the buzz after that was that witch didnt even call US, I didnt have 5 minutes before Ex was on the line to all of them...No win situation..Anyway, DH doesnt want to speak to any of them until there is an explanation and apology for all the turmoil they ve caused with their new found closeness with someone who destroyed him...