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half-sister issues.....please help me

Posted by ar_dramaqueen (My Page) on
Thu, May 7, 09 at 20:48

**If you don't want the whole background story, skip down to where it says "I am now 23 and she is 18 for the jist of the current issue**

I have posted several times to this forum since I was in my early teens about issues I have with my step-family...namely my step-mother.
Now it seems that everything that happened in the past, that I got away from by not visiting my father anymore, has been warped in the mind of my younger sister.
I love and adore my little sister, she is about 5 years younger than me. When we were young, I would visit my father and play with my sister, read her stories (the same ones over and over again, you know how kids are), play barbies and house with her....all the sisterly things all sisters do.
I only got to see her every other weekend, which followed the visitation rights of my father.
I always had issues with my step-mother and step-brother, though. My father rarely had a conversation with me, he was always gone somewhere the majority of the time I was there, and well...the only reason I went as long as I did was to see my sister. She was my whole reason for going.
Eventually, I had enough, step family issues got bad enough that my mom and father agreed it would be in my best interest to stop visiting; I was roughly 11 when i stopped going.
I always made it a point to call my sister, especially on her birthday. I wanted her to know i thought of her. When she became old enough, we corresponded through online chat.
When I turned 16, I met my younger half-brother, from a different woman, not claimed by my father, though the paternity test proved otherwise.
Father was not happy I began talking to my little brother, but he had no control. My mother raised me and let me get to know my brother.
When I was in my second year or so of college, my sister was roughly 15 and asked me about our brother, I told her and they corresponded, against my father. I told my sister of the issues surrounding my choice to stop visiting, she asked and I thought she was old enough to know what went on. I said nothing mean about our family members, I just told her what happened to make me leave, well most of it. She understood.
I am now 23 and she is 18. My sister and I have not talked in a while. I never saw her online and never thought much about it. I figured she was just upset because her and our brother saw each other and she got mad at something he said. When I tried to explain that he had grounds for saying what he did, calling our father his "sperm donor," my sister got mad. I didn't really take sides, I just said she needed to try to see it from his perspective. So, since then she hasn't talked to me.
I did see her at our grandmother's funeral, but I was on hydrocodone since i had just had my wisdom teeth cut out, so I was fairly loopy. I talked to my dad, but my sister, her mother, and my step-brother all stayed away from me.
I am now 23 and she is 18...
A few months ago, I received a text from my best friend telling me to get online because my sister was on and told my friend to tell me I was going to be an aunt.
I got on and my friend began telling me what my sister was saying about me and my half brother. She said she didn't want to call and tell me about her pregnancy herself because she was mad at me for "disowning her family" at the funeral.
She said it was all my fault and my choice for not coming to see our dad when I was younger and that I was a liar for what I said went on between her mother and I.
She claimed our dad had given my brother and I "everything we ever wanted" and that we "abandoned" him because we never call him or contact him.
It's insane. He chose not to defend me against his wife when I was younger. I mean the stuff wasn't awful that happened, but it was enough to make me not want to come back and my mother not make me. Daddy rarely talked/talks to me. I remember asking my mom as a child if my dad ever talked to her when they were married because he seemed to not care to talk to me or know what to say to me. I was about 7 when I asked her that. Also, he goes as long as a year or more without calling me, even when I was a teen. If he cared so much, why would he treat my brother and I that way?
He was the one that disowned my brother, he gave up visitation, which is why I didn't get to know my brother until I was 16.
So now i don't know what to do. I want to just ask my sister what her problem is and why she is mad at me...just to get everything out in the open. Either that or tell my dad that she is mad and see what his opinion on the matter is since she claims it was his feelings that I hurt so deeply.
My mother says, "Don't stir sh**."
My sister is now about 7 months pregnant, and she won't talk to me. I don't want to be excluded from her life or the life of my niece/nephew.
If I say anything to her, there will most likely be an argument, maybe a big one, but what else can I do?
How do I handle this?
I didn't do anything wrong and she apparently thinks I have "abandoned" her.
I talked to my father a while back for a little while, I called him. My sister's pregnancy was never brought up.
I just don't see how she thinks it was my responsibility as a child to hold together a relationship with my dad after everything.
Now, I guess it is my job to fix my relationship with her, but how....what do I do?
Please, help....ANY advice is highly appreciated.

AR_Dramaqueen


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

one thing to keep in mind is that you all may have the same biological father but all in all you have completely different fathers...if that makes sense...your experience with having your dad as a father is much different than her experience as having your dad as a father and so is your brothers growing up KWIM? I can relate, my only sister is my half sister and her experience with some of my family were completely different from my experiences.....
MY thought is this....she is young and pregnant, and most of all she is your sister..I would try writing a nice note something like:
Dear sis,
I want you to know how much I love and miss you. I can't change that I wasn't there for you in the past, but I do want you to know that I am here for you now and want to have a relationship with you. I am sorry if I have hurt your feelings in any way. We are sisters and I would really like to spend time together.I love you!!
You get the jist.....there are some times in life where you gotta suck it up in order to move on. Your sister will never see her mom (your step mom) or your father through your eyes because you have both had completely diff experiences, it may be a subject that you guys need to just steer around.....


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

I know our experiences were different. That was what i was trying to tell her when she got mad with what my brother said. I told her she needed to realize he wasn't there for us like with her and so we don't know him as she does.
After she wrote my friend, I tried to write her as if I knew nothing...just to see what she would say, since she finally started logging onto the internet again.

I still have not acknowledged that I know. I wanted her to tell me. When I first started talking to her again, she had really rude remarks.
I asked her how our dad was cause I heard he went into the hospital for a couple days (I heard that from my cousin, she and dad never call and tell me anything. When my grandmother was bad, as I said, she past away, she was my dad's mother, dad never called me to give me updates, my cousin and aunt did).
When I asked about daddy, she replied with some remark that seemed rude. I then told her that our half-brother was engaged and she attacked him and his fiance saying she didn't like them and she went as far as to say our brother was "unclean" (which he is not) and that she couldn't stand his fiance (I met her, they invited me over, and she seems to be a sweet girl to me, but idk, just MHO).

She made me so mad that i had my mother help me write responses to her emails so that I would not have a hateful tone back in my wording.

Eventually her rude responses became one word responses to my questions such as "how are you," if she answered at all.

Now when I log on, she logs off.
I even made the gesture of calling my dad and talking to him a while. He hardly ever has anything to say to me, but I tried to think of things to bring up with him. It did nothing, she will still not talk to me at all.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

Do you want a relationship with her even if she is not capable of seeing your dad (and by extension your brother) through your and your brother's perspective? It's possible she is just not capable of that right now. Maybe she will never be capable of seeing her dad as anything less than wonderful, or maybe some years down the road but not right now.

I think you did make a mistake by not acknowledging her pregnancy. She reached out to you (indirectly, awkwardly, immaturely-but keep in mind at 18 she is still quite young) by telling your friend to tell you about the baby. I understand you wanted her to tell you herself, but she may have been quite hurt that she went out of her way to let you know and you didn't offer congratulations/support/whatever.

If she won't talk to you right now, maybe email or text and offer congratulations on her pregnancy, let her know you want to be a part of her and the child's life, and explain that you didn't say anything before because you thought you shouldn't unless she brought it up herself. And then maybe avoid discussions relating to dad and brother unless/until you are both able to see the other's perspective. She wants to defend dad-you don't think she should defend him to you; you want to defend brother-she doesn't think you should defend him to her. You might just have to let it be. And that might mean that you can't have as close a relationship with her as you would like, but what you want just might not be possible right now.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

Finedreams said it well -- While he might be just one person biologically, the simple fact is that you all had very different fathers.

It seems, she thinks she had a pretty good one right now, and is getting highly defensive of your implied criticism that the father you had was lousy. Being 18 and pregnant, she probably needs her Daddy (and her fantasy image of him) very much right now, so I wouldn't even bother trying to make her understand your side for a while. The timing simply isn't right for it. Same with your StepMom - her Mom. Your half-sis really needs them right now, and she needs to be able to think of them as compassionate, wise, loving and caring. She desparately needs to maintain an untarnished image of them in her mind (for her own reasons - not because it's true) and any fantasy-smashing interference from you will get -- well, you saw. She's young, she's needy, she's hormonal. She doesn't want to see the truth right now (that her parents are plenty fallible), so don't make her. (Yet. It'll happen on it's own, eventually.)

You wrote briefly about your experiences as a child and your stormy relationship with your StepMother, eventually resulting in your stopping visitation with your mother's blessing. The tone of your comments sounded like "My StepMom was so mean to me that my Mom stopped making me go there." That makes sense to me. But step back, take a deep breath, and consider things from your mother's point of view. Just how bad would your SM have to be for your Mom to support your not wanting to go? If your situation is like most on this forum, the answer is that one honest mistake on SM's part might be enough. Just one itty bitty one. Many, many BioMom's do not want their kids to stay close to their "Rat of a father" or to like their "Bi#@h of a SM". I'm not saying she was a saint, or even decent to you (I have no way of knowing) -- just that it's possible that you were an 'ordinarily' 11-year old (perhaps a bit resentful of Dad's new wife and the daughter he paid so much more attention to?) and that possibly SM's reactions, though not ideal, fall into the realm of the 'forgivably human' as well.

You're older now. Wiser now. You have some distance and perspective. Take another look at your childhood and see if you were really the angelic 11-year-old victim of a mean and nasty StepMom, or if your experiences fall more into the sadly-normal category of different people, each reasonably decent but fallible, and each having different self-interests and motivations. (Little You, wanting your Daddy back? Sis wanting her Daddy all to herself? StepMom wanting her own little happy family with no 'intruders' reminding her of Hubby's past? Dad just wanting peace at home and taking the easy way out?)

From what you've written, it sounds like you behaved pretty well through all of this - really. But my advice is to see if you can find something to apologize about anyway (maybe being 'out of it at Grandma's funeral?) -- just to give her the chance to forgive you. It's a great way to mend fences, and that's what you really want. It's probably what she really wants, too.

With regard to your sis's pregnancy. You do know. She almost certainly knows you know. You're both waiting for the other person to say something first. You're the more mature one -- Tell her you were waiting to hear it from her directly, but since she didn't mention it -- you do know and you're wishing her the best, etc. Get it over with sooner rather than later - it'll be easier.

I know this puts all of the 'balls in your court' -- (and you would be justified in saying that's not fair) -- but you're the one who's mature and reasonable enough to be that gracious...


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

Sweeby,
Thanks for your post, it seems you took my comments about my SM as if it was just one of those cases where my mom disliked the new wife. That was not the case.
My mom never talked badly about my dad or his wife in front of me. In fact, when I would come home complaining, she would tell me how much my dad loved me and wanted to see me.
It was not one case with my SM. She became my SM when I was about 2, I left at roughly 11. The final straw was when she told her son to hit me in the head with a baseball, (i know this happened because he told me she said to before he did it and I got away but when I came back in he snuck up on me,and when i turned and looked up from the floor she was in the doorway. She just kinda had a look on her face, turned, and walked down the hall). The blow caused a knot on the back of my head that stayed for a few months. It was the worse thing she ever did, she didn't beat me or anything, it was mainly her doing stuff similar to that, her paddling me when I wasn't even in the room when something happened, her holding a double-standard with me and her other kids, etc. I never claimed she did anything more. That would be evil of me to do.
My mom talked to my dad after the baseball thing and they agreed I didn't have to come anymore.
Mom talked to him several times before the baseball incident about what was going on to give him the chance to do something about it. They would make me stay inside while they talked outside, but kids snoop.
When she would do something, most of the time he wasn't there or he would just sit in his chair and say nothing.
I get what you are saying about taking a step back and evaluating the situation, but I remember all of this stuff vividly. I get she needs him/them, I have never said anything mean or hateful about them to her. When I told her why I left, i simply told her what happened.
I knew it was her parents and she needed the picture perfect view of them, i just wanted to tell her why i left so she would know it wasn't her or anything she did. I also made it a point to talk to her via phone and the internet often so she wouldn't feel abandonment, which is why her current state of irritation toward me seems strange to me.


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added tid bit

oh and notice she became my step-mom at age 1 1/2 - 2.
My parents split when I was 1. i never knew them together, so it could not have been me wanting my dad back, I never really had him. I had a step-dad that raised me, we get along well. I knew from early on the story behind my parents, and honestly even growing up I knew we were better off how it turned out.
He cheated on my mom with woman 1, and had my half brother he doesn't claim. While still trying to mend with my mom, she discovered he was seeing woman 2 (now my step-mother).
so, I was raised around this woman, I pretty much knew nothing else but life with her in it.
As I said, my dad didn't talk with me much. so the wanting my daddy thing isn't reality, i never had a strong relationship with him in the first place. I wasn't bitter...i oddly just took it as how things were.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

Hi, ar_dramaqueen--

I am an adult SD too, and I fully empathize with the pain you feel at being in a blended family that feels fractured. I really hope that one day your half-sister will be able to understand that you had a different experience than she did growing up and that consequently you have a different perspective but that you love each other as sisters so it's all okay.

I do have to ask you to consider something, though... I am in no way suggesting you are a *liar*, and believe me I know that some SM's can be mean-spirited. But rather I wonder if it is at all possible that you mis-perceived or put your belief in the wrong person (your half-brother) regarding the baseball incident. I have to admit it sounds like it may have been just as possible that he lied about her having told him to do it, simply to get out of trouble. It's possible that your SM defended him instead of punishing him, and that would go along with the favoritism you describe which unfortunately does sometimes happen in stepfamilies. It's still not very nice, but it is a bit different than a grown woman telling her son to lob a baseball into your head. It would seem that if the woman was truly that sadistic, there would have been other equally sadistic incidents. Perhaps there were, and if so maybe you could share some of those too.

I'm not judging you or your mother for making the decision that you felt was best for your well-being at the time ---one you *shouldn't* be blamed for, btw, especially b/c you were eleven!!--- I'm just pointing out the possibility that it may truly have been a misunderstanding and perhaps your Dad and half-siblings thought it was insufficient reason to stop visitation. Still, they all should understand that you were a child, and that you have a different perspective, and especially if you are reaching out to them now, they should welcome you with open arms.

But the thing is it will do you no good ---strategically speaking--- to make your reunion with them conditional on any apologies from them or even acknowledgement of the past incident(s) in question. They, sadly, are not likely to ever see it your way. You may have to ask yourself if you are truly willing to give them all a brand new chance and try to put those past memories behind you... at least in your interactions with them. Believe me, I understand the need for your experiences --the way you experienced them--- to be validated... I'm just saying that validation is unfortunately not likely to come from *them*. You have to find it in yourself, in friends & family who really know you and on support sites such as this one. Whatever actually happened, it is not your fault that as a child there was action taken that was believed to be the best for your well-being, so you shouldn't have any regrets about your role.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

My knowledge of her telling him to do this is from her reaction to it.
the whole story:
My brother and I were playing outside, he was like 3 times my size, i was pretty small as a child, and he was kinda husky. we were throwing the baseball and he turned his head to look at a passing car, as I did, but I didn't see him look. So when my attention went back to the game, i threw the ball and it hit his arm. He yelled at me and ran inside. I knew I was in for it, so I crawled onto the swing set to get high enough up so he couldn't do anything.
He came out and told me to get down because she had told him to hit me back. I said no, so he scratched my back with the mit, i was hanging onto the top bar.
SM came to the door and called us in for lunch. After lunch my brother went into the living room.
We had a rule that we were supposed to clean our area of the table when we got done, so i knelt down to get a paper towel from below the sink. When I knelt down, everything went blurry and I fell backward. When I looked up, he was looking at her standing in the doorway with a look like kids have as if to say "ok i did it, mom."
she looked down at me, turned and walked away.

Other things to back up what she would do are:
She always defended her son. Once he was chasing me with a piece of water hose trying to knock me off of a bike, I jumped off, ran in to my dad and started telling him my brother was trying to hit me. I said I had dropped the bike at the back door to come in. Brother followed and told them i had jumped off the bike and just left it laying without putting the kickstand up. They asked if I had and i said yes but that he was trying to hit me off the bike, i had to get away. She paddled me, not him.
Once, my brother had me by the neck in the floor of his room and was choking me cause I touched the Nintendo, which we were supposed to share. I reached for the control and he grabbed me by the head and pulled me back, got on top of me and was choking me. SM passed by the room looked in for a moment, me looking up at her, then walked away. My sister then came looking for me and saw what was going on and screamed, she was only about 3 though. That is when SM intervened.
A lot of defending my brother. He would hit me, he was a rough boy. I would tell, she would call me a tattle tale and paddle me. So i told my mom, my mom talked to my dad and it was said that if she wouldn't defend me then i would take care of myself. He hit me so i hit him back the next time defending myself and she paddled me for hitting. As I said, he was about 3 of me though.
When I was roughly 4, I started a new pre-school, being new, I was kinda shy and stuff still. She called my pre-school when I was 4 and told them I had lice. I didn't, the school nurse checked me. The director of the school told us she had received a call from her.


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additional

Oh and It wasn't the paddlings....I was paddled as a kid even by my mom, when needed. SM would find a reason every time i visited though. I remember not doing much there because i didn't want to get into trouble. I usually tried to stay away from her. I knew when I was doing something wrong. I still was punished every time i went. Mom talked to daddy several times about it, i snooped. He told her he knew and would take care of it, but it never changed.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

You sure have vivid recall for a 4 year old.

I don't buy any of it sorry.

If you really want to be a part of your half sisters life, then stop trying to force your opinion of the dad you share down her throat. Enough, with the "well she asked" bit.
She knows your dad way differently than you do. She got to spend way more time with him, and he is there for her.
I am supposed to believe that that in itself does not bother you in the least? Because you sure do make light of that whole situation. Which tells me that the reaction is probably just the opposite. Downplaying things that really piss us off is a defense mechanism.
I also feel there is a lot left out of these stories. You paint yourself as the complete innocent here. Just minding your own business and all these things just happened to you. Again, the recall is amazing. Could be because you have played your idea of what happened over and over in your mind, and by golly you are right. NO room for anything different.
You seem disappointed that your half sister didn't get pissed at your dad. Especially by defending the other half brother. It is almost as if that is what you were hoping would happen. That you could swoopp in with this half brother and together you could turn her against the dad.
She obviously wants nothing to do with you now. Yet you keep trying. You have forgiven your dad and your step mom??? Because if you have not, then I fail to see why you persist in pushing the relationship with your half sister. She is loyal to her parents. You say mean things about them, and call it your truth. She doesn't agree, and finds talking to you uncomfortable.
You ask her about your dad, when you should be calling him if you want to know. That is just going to make her feel like you are just waiting to say something mean.
I think your mom and dad could have discussed this and found out what was going on, rather than just end visitation. How sad if your recall of events turned out to be false. Because you fully admit that you didn't "hear" sm tell the bother to hit you. But you just know by the look on her face.
It seems difficult to think that a dad would go ahead and give up visitation over something like this, especially if the sm was as abusive as you paint her out to be. Why would he stay with a woman like that or never say anything to her about it?
Maybe they felt like you were beginning to make false abuse allegations and that is why visitation was agreed to stop.
JMO
And you say that your little sisters ideas of what happened in the past (regarding you) are warped in her mind. ...interesting. Because she doesn't have your recall. But yet, it is warped in her mind. Not yours. okay.


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sweeby

"Finedreams said it well -- While he might be just one person biologically, the simple fact is that you all had very different fathers."

I didn't post on this thread, must be a mistake


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

DramaQueen -

I was asking you if it was possible -- with the hindsight and perspective that you have now -- that your StepMother was not really as awful and mean as you painted her. Not telling you that was what I thought.

I was asking you if the common step-family dynamic of insecure/possessive child, angry/resentful BioMom, and insecure/defensive StepMom might have tainted your relationships. It does for many, if not most step families.

You say it didn't for you, and that you were the innocent victim and she was the abusive StepMother.

That's certainly possible.

But if you truly, deep down believe this is a fair and unbiased account of your life with these people --
if your stepmother is that horrible and your father is that apathetic and has so little character and integrity --
then why on earth do you want to allow them back into your life?


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

My parents divorced when I was under 2 also. Then Daddy had another child with wife 2 divorced and married wife 3 who he was married to for20 some odd years. Dad raised the 2nd wifes kid and we moved 200 miles away. I saw him few times a year the boy had him all the time. 1/2 brother or not I have no relationship with him. My grandparents will fill me in when I call them every few months. Dad died last year, SM died about a month after him, they had also divorced but she was my SM so long I loved her. Dad had married wife 4 before he died who was the woman he cheated on my mother with and was the mother of yet another child who was 6 months younger then me. I saw her 4 or so times during our life but still a 1/2 sister, she also died of a drug overdose. Just move on. They are related but they are not family. This is pain you don't need just go on and live your life. It takes more then blood to be family. Enjoy your mom and step-dad and just avoid the drama.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

If she is very important to you give it a bit more time. SHe is pregnant, maybe high on emotions. Leave her give birth, and break the ice by presenting her with a gift for her baby.
Tell her you are not here to stir up anything. You want her friendship and its important. Focus on talking about things between you and do not involve her mother in any way...dont involve your dad. Tell her to leave the past alone, start fresh, and subject about dad and her mom are not to spoken of. Just your friendship with ehr and that you value her and you dont want to lose it.


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RE: half-sister issues.....please help me

I remember very little of myself at age 4, and i was a bright child, above average, could read already. I do have recollections of some events at 5, but nothing that vivid and certainly would not rememeber who called my school to say what about me at 4.

i agree with wildthing, it seems starnge that you would know that many details. it is either all told by someone else or it is just vivid imagination.

I also find strange that visitations just stopped and dad did nothing about SM's order to beat a child with a baseball bat, oh com'n. If someone would trully order one child beat another one sadistically, both mom and dad would be in police office pressing charges against SM. I agree that possibly dad agreed to no visitations because of false allegations.

You would benefit from therapy, you never came to terms with anything and now you suffer and make your sister suffer.


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