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bad lessons..?

Posted by MrsProffit25 (My Page) on
Wed, May 11, 11 at 20:47

I dont know how everyone else parents but I do know everyone does it differently... sunday when SD came home she was just a blabbin away, she is so much more open.. she told us how she played at chucky cheese and how much fun she had untill she got to BM house. BM B/F was teasing her again , im assuming because she was saying he was being mean so mommy told her to hit him... I personally would never teach my 6yr old its ok to hit. I texted BM and she said they were playing i told her well obviously sd doesnt think so because she is saying you told her its ok to hit someone if they are being mean. BM said she didnt say that but she told B/F to stop and he doesnt listen. I said well SD is 6 - she relies of YOU to protect her you dont send a 6yr old to hit a grown man and let her think its ok. If sd ever hit DH - i dont even want to think about that!! This was Sunday. well today i was outside visiting with a friend and SD was playing next door and I heard sd friend say BM(she used her name) said Im jealous because your prettier?? So i went and spoke to my neighbor who is also another close friend of mine and she called BM my friend of course was very upset. She asked BM if she told sd this and she denied it so she went and got SD and asked her - so what did your mom tell you? and held the phone by her... BM then admitted to it and said she wants her to learn to defend herself if fomeone is being mean and not just stand there like a retard... really... She said she told SD if anyone is mean to you its because your pretty and there jealous... My friend proceeded to tell her (sd was back inside) why would you want to raise your daughter to think she is better then everyone? Your DD is also mean to my DD they are kids... she used a few other phrases but i wont get into it. My own DD is only 2 so she is not at that age where kids are mean just to be mean - she is a baby..,, Is this a normal parenting skill and im just not there yet? I just see it as so wrong... Not something to bring to court over im just thinking - what mom does these things...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: bad lessons..?

I'm baffled. And honestly not at BM but at you calling her. NO this is not normal parenting, that's trash parenting ... But what happens at BMs stays at BMs and it's not your job to call her every time sd tells you something and surely not your neighbors job either. Where is this girls father? And why doesn't he handle his business? I know I know he works and you are raising her but you don't need to call BM and 'teach' her how to parent. If your caring for SD while BD is working, and a questionable situation arises... You handle SD without contacting BM. You empower SD with the knowledge of how to treat people while in your home and with your friends. You show SD that this is not the behavior of a little lady. The more you empower her, the more likely she herself will correct BM later about how to treat people and that she doesn't feel that 'that' is lady like.

And furthermore, putting SD on the phone with BM to prove to BM what SD is saying is putting Sd in the middle of your battle with BM. The more you do that, the more she is going to feel that when she talks about what goes on at BMs, BM will end up in 'trouble' AND more importantly it might end SD in trouble with BM during next visit for telling you what she said or did which will then cause SD to shut down and not tell you anything. Which you don't want because you want to know what is going on over there so when something BAD does happen, SD will tell you without fearing for her mom. You might not think this will happen because you and SD are so close but trust me, this is psychology 101. That little girl will eventually go through a protect BM phase because that is her MOM no matter what a piece of crap she might be.

My daughter did this with her therapist. Everytime she would tell the therapist things that were going on at dad's, dad would talk to dd.. Then when something would happen, she would tell me not to tell therapist because daddy is going to get in to trouble. She said once I'm scared if I get him in trouble I won't get to spend the night anymore so I just won't complain because I would just rather spend the night with him. So... It does happen and it will happen. You can't expect this BM to just turn in to Mrs. Cleaver over night... So you have to expect that everytime you chew her out for what SD tells you, she will turn around and tell SD that she got in to 'trouble'. If she is not in physical danger... You don't need to say anything to BM. You can help Sd at home by teaching her right from wrong.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I agree with myfampg. It's very dysfunctional parenting but it's not even dad's place to call BM... unless she's doing something that is a danger to the child.

I am on the receiving end of those phone calls, sorta. My SD runs to BM & tells her things (that are not true) because she wants mom's attention & she knows mom gets all fired up & will call DH to "stand up for" SD. While I understand WHY she is doing it, it is still very hurtful and has affected my ability to TRUST SD. Everything that happens in (and sometimes outside) of SD's presence has a cloud over it that she is going to run to BM with a twisted version of the truth or that everything we do is going to be reported to BM. It makes things uncomfortable to have SD around sometimes. I agree that eventually, your SD will be hurt by what is happening. Kids don't have the ability to see that far into the future. SD has tried to be friendlier at times in the past few months... but then she has also continued to tell her mom things that result in a phone call from BM... and it's never a nice conversation where she asks what happened, it's always an attack on what we do in our house. Quite frankly, it's a child & children have a different perspective than adults so even if the child is saying something happened, it doesn't always mean that it's the actual way it happened. If DH & I have a disagreement, SD reports it as a fight... BM calls & wants to know why we are fighting in front of SD... accuses us of having relationship problems... etc. Reality is that people disagree & if BM would tell her that, it would be no big deal... it would teach SD a little about relationships. Instead, she is teaching SD that it's a way to get attention & that she can manipulate BM. There's nothing wrong with calling to get the story instead of relying on a child's perspective. A few years ago, SD told DH that BM let her ride across the snow being pulled by BM's truck. DH calmly sent BM an email asking what happened to see how much of SD's story was accurate. BM blew up & denied everything which leaves us wondering if she is hiding something by being so defensive. But, my point is that DH did not call BM & start yelling or ranting about BM letting SD do something dangerous... even though we believe there is some merit to SD's story, I think she embellished it to get a reaction from DH. She didn't get that reaction so she no longer runs to DH to tell him what happens during her visits. BM gives her a reaction by calling us & yelling about stuff, so that reinforces SD to keep telling BM things and when there is nothing to say, she makes stuff up. So, four years later BM is still calling to piss & moan without finding out if the story SD gave her is even true. It makes BM look foolish & causes SD to not be a trusted member of our family. It really is a horrible situation for a kid to be in. Also, if anything did ever end up in court, BM could say she believes you are drilling the child & then calling the other parent to complain.

Besides the child shutting down, they feel guilty, torn, & maybe fear getting in trouble for sharing. They love both parents & putting them on the phone or even asking them to rat out the other parent is harmful to them.

That's just my 2 cents.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Well, at least this visit went better than the weekend before...then it was lack of food, homework not done correctly, rash/allergy and going to be homeless as of May 5th.

I assume BM found a place to live?

I agree with myfam and Ima. Ima's daughter has gone so far as to 'spy' on Ima/Dad by standing outside the doors to 'get the scoop' and report overheards to her BM. How sad is that.

I actually kinda 'get' the lesson of jealousy and poor behavior towards others. While lesson may have not came across to a six year old that way BM intended it to, there is truth that others will indeed bully/act out partly due to low self esteem. I think it was a mistake to call BM and have the friend call. What lesson did child see here? As an adult what I see in it is two grown women thinking they are superior aka 'better' than the attacked who were bent on telling this 'inferior' person just how much inferior they think she and her ways are. So what did child actually 'get' out of the overall experience between the two 'lessons'?


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RE: bad lessons..?

Agreed Ima and Justmetoo. Point should be taken by OP that what happens at mom's stays at mom's. As far as OPs younger dd that might learn sd's bad 'learned' behavior... It's up to you to teach your child how to act. Not BMs responsibility to even consider your child. My daughter has done things that she learns from school or others and it's my job to tell dd that she is teaching her brother bad behavior and she is more conscious of it. I just have to remind her constantly -- brother looks up to you and thinks what you do is gold -- so you need to act in a manner that will teach him good behavior. If he sees you doing bad, he will think bad is ok. My dd has a bad habit of slapping hands -- she will slap ds's hand and he will slap back -- it's stopped now but we just had to tell her to model better behavior. And that is what you will have to teach sd. You will have to teach sd that in our home you act this way (in our home we don't say that word.. In our home we don't hit... In our home we don't treat our friends that way). You will find that as SD gets older, the manner in which BM teaches her to act or allows her to act will be different than what your standards are. For example: BM may not have a problem with 12 yr old saying crap, butt, shut up, stupidhead but these are not words that you will allow sd to say... You can't tell BM that she cannot allow sd to say those words in HER house.. But you can teach SD the appropriate alternative for those words and enforce that she use them at your house. You won't be able to control what happens at BMs you can just try to control how much leaks over into your home.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I don't believe in hitting or fighting, hate it, would object & maybe call the cops if I saw it happening, but even if someone argues that hitting is appropriate in certain situations:

No grown adult man should engage in any kind of physical scuffling, even "play hitting", with a young girl, & no young girl should ever be encouraged, aside from physical self-defense, to start a physical confrontation with a grown man.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I agree with the BF stuff, Sylvia. This is the same BF who has already been warned to knock the crap off. First it was teasing and 'rough play' and now BM encouraging the child to 'hit him' and stand up for herself. Excuse me? So we have a BF who is inappropriately supposedly 'playing' with child and now a BM who is rooting it on. It's be among the first items of topics at the June follow hearing.

But I'm not sure this family understands appropriate behavior. We have Bf's teasing and rough housing, BM's encouraging it, SM's on phone 24/7 verbally fighting with BM, kids who are told to 'not tell BM' (the cat incident) and yet kids who are put on a speakerphone type 'free for all' pitting child and parent against other other as to lies blah blah blah. Not to mention the BF who is used to carry tales back and forth between homes and keep the 'problems' brewing and seek additional pieces of ammo.

I rather feel for this child, it appears she's stuck in a hornet's nest with chaos and dysfuctional surrounding her. I think what is occurring in this child's life between both homes is an issue for courts to interfere with and leave all the calling back and forth a lone for now. It's one thing to call BM and ask about pjs and toothpaste, it's quite another to call her up and ream her over Mrs. P's opinions vs BM's. I'm sure sure with the way things currently are that there is an ability between the actual parents to work these issues out and therefore a caseworker professionally trained with supervision and home visits may be in order to intervene and monitor behavior of both families and especially in preparing them to deal with each other in a fuctional and productive manner.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I think it is ridicilous that a grown man teases a young child and she is told to hit him. Didn't you say he is a friend of yours, so why wouldn't dad address it with him directly? This is just inappriopriate. If a friend continues this nonsense perhaps another conversation with a lawyer is due.

Saying that it is not your place at all to call Bm and question what happened and get in the middle of the situation with the neighbour and then make SD speak about her mother, and get them all on the phone. This is unnecessary and is going to backfire. Why do you think it is appropriate action at all?

I understand you are watching the kid when dad is at work but he is a parent and he has legal authority, you don't. I wonder more and more what is going on with this dad?

Also I do not believe that a child learned any positive lesson at all. In fact she probably learned to keep information to herself, to not share about BM, and that BM and SM are in competition who is better, and then SM wants to be in the middle of issues that don't pertain to her.

I am suprised BM even agreed to talk about it on the phone, I would just hang up. And then later talk to dad.


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RE: bad lessons..?

"Saying that it is not your place at all to call Bm and question what happened and get in the middle of the situation with the neighbour and then make SD speak about her mother, and get them all on the phone. This is unnecessary and is going to backfire. Why do you think it is appropriate action at all? "

I agree. This was just all way too much drama and entanglement, and you need to stop it and distance yourself from BM; nothing but very brief, civil, informative conversations - and only if that is strictly necessary.


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RE: bad lessons..?

MrsP

Personally, I don't want you to feel attacked because I don't necessarily think you are wrong to worry & care. Things weren't handled the best and I think what everyone is saying is that it might be a good idea to back off from being too involved. I know that's easier said than done, especially when you are custodial & you care deeply for the child. But sometimes too much involvement is actually more harmful to the child.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I do know that Mrs P's husband does not want to communicate or that BM doesn't want to communicate with him, and so MrsP does the communicating for them. I know that my ex refused to communicate to me and 'delegated' his communication to SM... I got tired of SM letting me know all that I was doing wrong... So next time we went to court, I told the judge and SM was ordered to have no communication with me. No email, no phone, no face to face. Our order states, all communication regarding child must be between biological parents only and in a mild, normal tone of voice.
So if BM gets smart... You might be put in your place by the judge. I know you are married to the custodial parent and you are the one raising sd in your home, but in order to keep your sanity and to keep the peace, if it's not physical danger or emotional (hard to prove) just document it in a journal just in case and move on. You might not be able to use this in court but one day your journal might be 300 pages and the judge might be interested...

I said this on another post that sometimes it comes across that you are getting too much information on BM ... I know you said this stuff just starts spewing out of her and I know that happens. Maybe try saying oh that's nice, let's go see what's going on outside. Let's go to the park etc.. You aren't telling sd that you don't want to know anything but it will keep you from saying 'oh what happened next' tell me more.


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RE: bad lessons..?

"In fact she probably learned to keep information to herself, to not share about BM, and that BM and SM are in competition who is better, and then SM wants to be in the middle of issues that don't pertain to her."

That's a lot for a 6 year old to discern.

I agree with Ima.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I actually agree with justmetoo that professional interference is due with both families.

I have no doubts that MrsP cares about this girl and is genuinely concerned.

But I think there is too much dysfunction going on in both families. I think parenting classes for both families, counseling or home visits or whatever else is needed for both families. Especially if there are more children involved on both sides. I forgot SD is 6, it is way way too young to be in the middle of so much dysfunction and drama.

And I am still wondering...what's up with dad..


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RE: bad lessons..?

I think I'm about to get pounced on here but...

She said she told SD if anyone is mean to you its because your pretty and there jealous...

I can actually see this being said and I don't fault the BM for it.

I know many parents who counsel their kids when other kids are mean to them in that manner.

"They're just jealous" is an oft used defense. "You're so pretty/smart/wonderful" is an oft used esteem booster.

Mrs.P, you said your own DD is only 2 and you wonder if this is a normal parenting skill. Well, there may come a time soon when your daughter comes home to you saying the other girls were calling her names, being mean, maybe calling her ugly. At this point you'll likely tell her that she is the prettiest and most wonderful girl in the world. You'll try to boost her self esteem and it may, just may, slip out that the other girls are mean because they are jealous. Jealous perhaps because a certain boy likes her. Jealous maybe of the grades she gets. Jealous because other kids like her better.

It's a tough thing for a parent to deal with when their kid tells them that someone is mean to them or picking on them.


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RE: bad lessons..?

As Hamilton pointed kids are mean ... ... so lets say you say all those things to your child they go to school and repeat them "my mom said you're just jealous" ... my mom said blah blah blah .... you get home from work and the other child's mom is calling you because of what you said about her kid and the neighbors kids mom gets on the phone too ... etc..

Minimal contact with BM ... this is how we do things at our home ... thats too bad your mom feels that way. etc...

You're not gonna teach her how to parent... she doesn't want your opinion.


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RE: bad lessons..?

PO1 I said the same thing. What's up with dad? MrsP we aren't bashing your husband because you already have defended that he is working to support the 5 members of your family. I do get that.
But this is his child and reading all of your threads, you do everything. I pat you on the back for being a stand up stepmother and for doing it unconditionally for SD but there may come a day that you are going to get so tired of fighting BM and the way she does things, that you are going to become resentful towards your husband for always expecting you to deal with BM when he should be dealing with her. I bet if he was the one to make all the phone calls, all these little nitpicky complaints wouldn't even come up because he's a man and sometimes they can be more 'objective' about what's 'real' important and what's not. What he is willing to fight over or not. So what is his opinion on this?


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RE: bad lessons..?

No Hamilton, I agree. To some degree that's completely justified. I tell my DD that often people will be mean because really they don't like themselves... and follow that up with some sort of compliment to her.

Mrs. P, I agree with Pseudo. I think you'd be better off if you could appear to be more neutral. It sounds like you do the bulk of the parenting and that must be hard. I know it's difficult to balance as a parent and as a stepparent. I think where BM is concerned you might want to listen more and speak less. Kids pick up on so much. Try to gently steer them in the right direction while not confronting BM straight out unless it's an emergency. It's the old winning more flies with honey.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Through all these years of me disagreeing with my ss bm, I have NEVER called her to tell her what she did with my ss was wrong. I've gotten into arguements trying to get my dh to do it but I've never done that. When my ss is grown I would LOVE to let loose everything I hate about her... we will see. Don't call her, your sd will defend her eventually.

My ss was with me one day and I vented that he needed a haircut really bad. He told me that his mom said we had to get that done cause she didn't want to spend the money on it. I got mad. We ALWAYS had to pay for haircuts while she had all different colors and new cuts. I just got frustrated and told him that his dad's child support was to pay for his hair cuts. NOT her cigs and beer. (I know darn well I shouldn't have said that!! Don't need to be lectured), ss told me that she didn't drink beer, she drank Foster's. He was 5 years old!!!! I let my husband know about our conversation and told him I didn't think a 5 year old should know anything about Foster's, he agreed. A few days later he got a phone call that she got the message that her child support was to go to his haircuts and not her cigs and Foster's. She then explained that she switched to Miller Lite because it was cheaper. HA!!! My husband just laughed at me. I knew I should have zipped it but sometimes..... well, you know. Plus she got the message.

Also, when my ss was about 2-3 he was biting A LOT!!! BM told us to put vinegar in his mouth to make him stop. I thought it was an aweful thing to do but hey.... she told me to so I did. It really actually worked. BUT... when he called my son a dumb a$$ and I washed his mouth out with soap she got mad and called my dh.... my dh explained it and she was ok with it then. Let me tell ya... That punishment WORKED... just the other day my ss left his IPOD laying around so I went on it to look at his pictures. There was a video from when he was with his mom. In the video theres him, his new step-brother and someone else shooting the video I can't see. Anyway, the new step-brother says something, my ss says "what's b bleep bleep bleep" the new sb says "B*&$%" my ss says omg you said a cuss word... the other person says "Like you never say them".... my ss hesitated for a minute but the look on his face was priceless... he then said "not that often" I don't think he ever says these words and just didn't want to look "uncool" infront of these two boys. I know that this new sb is a total brat and I don't want him to rub off on ss but I can't call bm and tell her make sure you watch them closely. NOW..... if I find more videos and my dh doesn't like them, I guarentee he'll be calling.


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"Minimal contact with BM ... this is how we do things at our home ... thats too bad your mom feels that way. etc...

You're not gonna teach her how to parent... she doesn't want your opinion. "

EXACTLY! All that's happening right now is that SD is being put into the middle - BM is not going to change.


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You all are right.... I understand. Its just been the whole time its been BM and I talking... the past 2 days I have told her to call DH to speak to SD instead on my phone. I would probably have alot less stress if it was all ahndled with DH and BM except they never get anything accomplished. BM B/F spoke to my DH lastnight on the phone about fishing and such... well somehow IDK i wasnt around for the convo B/F had mentioned how he "has to get BM high to have sex with her"... I asked DH once he told me about it today - High on what? He said pills and weed... No , I have not contacted BM like i normally would have. I havent said anything.I know that alot of people do smoke weed... we dont.. should I do anything or just leave it? Also , I was under the impression her b/f had stopped drugs like a year ago...


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Incredulous

Mrs...
BM's BF told your DH on the phone last night that he has to get BM high on weed and pills to have sex with her?

*has to get her high to have sex with her*

I can't put into words how wrong that rubs me. If he has to get her high (as if she's not even in control of getting herself high) to have sex with her there is something wrong. With him. With her. With the whole situation.

And that you and your DH would be privy to that information. I have no words.

What did your DH say to BF when he told him that? Because it sounds to me like you and he are complacent and you will continue to have dramas like this in your life.

"No , I have not contacted BM like i normally would have."

Why would you call BM about that? Should you *do* anything? Like what? Tell BM that her BF told your DH who told you that BM needs to have someone dope her up before she can submit? (it's like a game of telephone, or like we're back in high school) There's nothing you can do. They are tacky (to be kind).

lack of food, bug bites, BM pushing SD to hit BF...

I don't know what to say. How long have you been married and living together/knowing each other?

Chances are, if BM is taking pills and weed she didn't just start in the past couple years. I think there's a good chance DH and BM had similar lifestyles (but of course I don't know). This may be ok with DH. You have young children too right? How do you feel about this being the lifestyle in which they are accustomed?

Either cowgirl up and tell your DH this is not your kind of environment and things need to change or resign yourself to this being your life. I wish you the best.

~Silver


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The BF is not your "friend" ... I thought I could "change" BM into being a better parent for years ... I stopped talking to her 3 years ago on my terms .... she still calls the house when she knows no one is here I do not answer she does not have my cell number she is blocked from FB.... my SKs do not have my cell phone number call one of your parents if you need something ... I stay out of how they parent their children ... although I am not the best example of stay out of it ... I did tell both mom and dad a few weeks ago that they suck as parents!! :)

SD had one episode last week where she called everyone .... this was with the 11 bags of chips ... but its been a week ... I laid down the "rules" in my home dad hasn't budged on the rules here ... mom's house no clue don't care ... but here we have rules and you will follow them or stay in your room ...in my world I took SD's power of words away from her ... when I told here they wouldn't hurt me anymore she's used nice pleasant tones when speaking with no attitude at all asking if she can have this or that ... helped around the house ... it may just be an act to get her electronics back but hubby has to clear it with me first!! :)


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DH does not use drugs. SD was created from a one night stand at a party. they did know eachother from school but never were an item. they were both drunk. DH was 20 BM was 18. DH cant even take the pain pills the dentist gave him after he had his tooth worked on.... I cant sit here and say i have never smoked pot... I was a pretty out of control teen.. BUT I have been drug free for 5 years... This is not our lifestyle. DH is upset but like i said and other have just said what can we do?.. BM has admitted in the past she used beans (guessing extasy) while she was pregnant with SD and her DD she has now also while she was pregnant with her son who was a full term baby who passed on 4 days before his birth. I dont want my SD to grow to dislike me or DH or our household. I could never imagine living in my home and not having a relationship with my SD. And my shildren are not accostumed to this?... Our house for the most part is drama free. DH and I do not argue or fight. We do have dissagreements but they never escalate. There are not drugs or other influences in my home. We have rules and structure as well as fun and games. Last night DH and SD camped out again and fished all morning. DD and I and baby went to the park last night and watched a movie on this big blow up screen. It was nice - wish I had DH and SD to share it with but they need there alone time too. Tonight is SD second over night - hope it goes well.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I am sorry but there is a lot of dysfunction in both families.

All right... some people do drugs, it is really awful, but that's a reality, I personally have met people and even had a relative who unfortunately did drugs. Unfortunately even good honest people fell victims of drug addictions.

But i have never heard of people calling exSO's of their girlfriends to discuss drug and sex habits. It is so dysfunctional, not even funny. BM's BF is the one who is being rough with a little girl yet little girl's dad discusses sex and drug habits with that said BF! Really? Why is your DH talking to him?

Why isn't your DH calling his lawyer ASAP to inform him that there is drug abuse in mom's house and a man is playing rough with his child????

In the past you were concerned that SD is doing poorly in school and can't even spell one word right. Her mother did drugs while pregnant, hello, this child is terribly effected for life, wasn't it obvious that's why? And SD was conceived when both parents were drunk, it is pretty much obvious that child would be born with number of issues. Dad and you complain that mom isn't properly helping Sd with homework, but dad was drunk at the moment of conception, is he taking a responsibility for SD's school struggles? Plus mom doing drugs of course she has no clue how to help with homework, and BF is playing rough because he is on drugs, hello.

And small issues like homework seem so serious to you and dad yet mom doing drugs is not even a big deal????

apparently dad isn't doing much about it. Why is he talking to your DH about BM doing drugs instead of calling his lawyer????

Drugs, sex offenders, crazy boyfriends, one night stands...poor children.


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RE: bad lessons..?

um i came on here an asked for advice... we did email our lawyer but the only proof would be to call CPS. I ASKED YOU ALL FOR ADVICE because ill get is neg feedback when we do handle it. He was 20 years old. serioiusly it is a big deal thats why i came here. im so tired of my DH being trash talked, i have explained our situation over and over, i dont think i will be returning. thanks to those for the caring advice. I feel more stressed after i read my follow ups. My family is not disfunctional. Everyone on this site is going though something some way or another; i have never left anyne feed back calling them disfuctional. I work so hard to make sure my kids are always happy healthy and taken care of. SO DOES DH WHEN HE IS HOME OTHERWISE HE IS MAKING SURE WE HAVE FOOD ON OUR TABLE A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD AND LIGHT TO SEE AT NIGHT. I wish the best for all of you. take care.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Mrs. P, I'm sorry you're agitated. I just really don't understand how you can not see this as dysfunctional. I'm sure you and your husband do fine within your own home but every other post has another shoe dropping.

PO1:

"Dad and you complain that mom isn't properly helping Sd with homework, but dad was drunk at the moment of conception, is he taking a responsibility for SD's school struggles?"

Drunk at time of conception is so incredibly normal. If that were a problem there wouldn't be a normal kid around. Seriously. That's just taking pot-shots.


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RE: bad lessons..?

--I would probably have alot less stress if it was all ahndled with DH and BM except they never get anything accomplished."--

This is why it may be best for the assistance from outside sources that are trained to deal with parents. It is unfair of all to keep putting you in the position that they do. You're at a point where you can't win for losing, no matter what you do. DH needs to do this (issues can wait a bit till he gets home or his day off)...it won't matter a few hours one way or the other to wait for DH. It'll get you out of the middle and it will make DH and BM learn to finally communicate. Parental classes for each really might be good for both of them. I gotta wonder how much under the influence BM is when anyone is trying to talk to her. Maybe regular drug testing is something that can be required for her visitations.

Would it be so bad to have CPS involved? They aren't 'out' to hurt you, they're interest will be with the child. At times some of your posting sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of people who all act the child role. You seem to have to play mama to grown adults and I just don't see it getting you anywhere.

It may also be time to lose the BF guy. He really is doing no good in all of this. He rough plays the SD, he spreads trouble with each conversation. I'm, not so sure he does not thrive on the chaos he can provoke.

And yes, currently the situation is dysfunctional. You're stressed, upset and it's day after day. That's not to say you're an incapable idiot, just that there is so very much going on and from so many different directions that as a whole the situation can not function. That does not make you 'bad people' just a family that may be able to overcome the issues when all parts learn to do their role and the unneeded parts (that'd be the BF) stays out of it.

Congrats, by the way, for the 5 yr drug free!

Don't get upset that you threw us for a loop with the weed/sex part. You gotta admit that it is a bit of an unusual topic for these two guys to be yakking about. First the topic and then the fact that BF is openingly admitting to DH that there is drug usage in the home. Think about it...the guy who rough plays with your SD just admitted he also gets BM high to get what he wants.


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normal drunk at conception

Alcohol consumption prior to conception increases risk of defects in children. It is a well known fact, it is highly recommended to refrain from alcohol if you are planning on conceiving. Sure not everyone is born with defect, but risk is there and it is high.

Also about 10% of children have diagnosed special needs, significant number of children have special needs but do not qualify for number of reasons. So there is a high percentage of children whose development is below the norm, how many of the parents of struggling population were drunk or used drugs at the time of conception is unknown to me. Possibly many people are drunk or high when they conceived but also many children have various issues (emotional, developmental, cognitive etc)that they possibly wouldn't have otherwise.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Mrs P, I think DH should call CPS, also SD should not go there for another overnight, BF just informed DH that they use drugs at BM's house. I would not send a child there and yes I would personally call CPS and police right now. Drugs aren't legal. You can make a phone call yourself. It is not the kind of environment young children need to be in.

Also you said you asked for advice, I personally advised you not to talk to BM, not to be friends with BF and other things...


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RE: bad lessons..?

Let's take a poll. Who was drunk or high at conception?

I was 'intoxicated' by alcohol when I conceived both of my children. Dd was conceived on an evening after a wedding reception where some wine was consumed.
Ds was consumed after a night of dancing and celebrating a career change for a friend.

I miscarried two pregnancies that were planned and I was not intoxicated, not even by a diet pepsi.
Both of my children were full term, average weight and both are above average..

Just saying.

OP has moved on. So shall we.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I understand your frustration Mrs. P. Some people continually attack and there's nothing you can say that'll be right.

myfam... My dh was drunk along with bm when ss was conceived. It wouldn't have happened otherwise. Dh's beer goggles were the only thing making her look good. Haha! My ss is totally fine. Great grades! Also, I was very very drunk when I conceived my 11 year old. He also is just fine. Almost all a's this year.


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RE: bad lessons..?

that is axactly the case here - beer goggles. I do believe that part of sd problems are due to the drug use during pregnancy but she has not been diasgnosed ADD questionair came back nothing and still waiting on kidcare for insurance. BM texted DH this morning instead of me :) her toddler lost SD shoe.. ok well its in your house - look for it.. what did she expect DH to do? drive 30 min to bring her another pair, no.. sd only goes to BM in the clothes BM bought same with shoes. BM used to keep SD clothes when we used to to send her in her nice clothes. We didnt like that. BM said we need to buy her some clothes for there, and i do not agree. BM should buy them.


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RE: bad lessons..?

--"BM said we need to buy her some clothes for there, and i do not agree. BM should buy them."--

SD is only there one overnight a week and a few hours one evening a week, right? If she could afford Chuck E Cheese last weekend she can afford a handful of clothing if nothing else from Goodwill or a garage sale. Likely could have picked up quite a bit for the price of pizza/tokens. Priorities. BM is going to have to learn to set them. I'm not saying BM/SD should not have outings and fun events, but children need clothing before they need an afternoon of pizza/games. Let her figure it out.

--"BM texted DH this morning instead of me :) her toddler lost SD shoe.. ok well its in your house - look for it.. what did she expect DH to do? "--

There you go. You can't mother for her and this is her time. Unless there is a serious immediate problem that needs addressed, enjoy your morning with DH and the other kids...if SD is shoeless when it's time to come home, oh well, you have shoes for her at your house. Nothing to worry about...no big deal...BM will find it or figure it what to do about it.


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RE: bad lessons..?

PO1: "Alcohol consumption prior to conception increases risk of defects in children. It is a well known fact...

FALSE. In men, which is what we're talking about, all alcohol has been proven to do is reduce sperm's ability to swim. So if you're having a hard time getting pregnant it's a good idea for the man to stop drinking.

...it is highly recommended to refrain from alcohol if you are planning on conceiving.

TRUE.

"Sure not everyone is born with defect, but risk is there and it is high."

FALSE.

Women and men should stop drinking, smoking and all bad habits and start eating healthy and exercising FOUR MONTHS prior to conception since it can take up to 116 days for sperm to mature.

What that means is that the sperm that got Mrs. P's BM pregnant were not created that night, which means the "drunk sperm" were likely not the ones who made the kid. Same with the egg.

But there is absolutely NO PROOF that a man's drinking causes birth defects. None. So get off your soapbox. There's nothing that can be done now anyway and dragging her DH's reputation through the mud won't fix anything and has NOTHING to do with how good of a parent he is now.

You said you and your ex used to smoke. Did you quit four months prior to having your DD? Did you take pre-natal vitamins that long before? Did you refrain from eating fish so that you didn't build up an unhealthy amount of mercury in your system?

Probably not. And I'm not going to be critical of it because what's done is done and it brings nothing positive to the table.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I still hope DH addresses drug abuse at BM's house and rough play. I am willing to accept that it might be normal to have unprotected sex with strangers while drunk, fine, plus you are right nothing could be done now. My point was dad not willing to accept his part in dysfunction from the very beginning which started with conception, but fine, focus on the present not the past. Did DH call CPS or police? What did his lawyer say?

I have hard time accepting the fact that Friday night BF and BM were high on pills and weed yet SD stayed there Saturday night. How does DH know if BM wasn't still high? I don't understand...Why was SD allowed to go there and why wasn't CPS and police called? Am I the only one terrified of it?

No way just no way DD would go to dad's house if I his wife told me they were taking pills and smoking weed a night before, no way. I'd be on the phone calling authorities. Why is SD there? Who cares if BM calls about shoes?


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RE: bad lessons..?

No, PO1...the conversation was Friday night about having to use weed/pills for sex. Not necessarily the actual evening anything was used. No indication from Mrs. P's posting that BM was under the iinfluence Friday or may still be Saturday. Even if BM was messing with something Friday evening there is no reason to believe the effects would linger onto Saturday evening...

For an elementary example: if someone were to get a buzz Friday evening off three beers, they would not still be under the influence by Saturday late afternoon.

I do think DH needs to address the drug usage, but so far we have heard no indication that child is being sent to BM's while drugs are in usage or a time frame where their influence on BM would be an interfere factor with regular childcare for the evening child is actually there. This is in no way saying though that I condone BM's behavior even if it is now her own time.


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RE: Now what?

"My point was dad not willing to accept his part in dysfunction from the very beginning which started with conception"

How do you know he isn't willing to accept his part in the dysfunction? Have you asked him? I'll bet he's more than willing to say 'I shouldn't have gone to that bar and had sex with that girl and I regret the action but I'm so happy I have my DD that it doesn't matter'.

No, you're not the only one freaked out that this is happening. I'm not so scared of the pills (although I do have to wonder what kind of pills they are and how accessible they are to the kids) and I'm not so scared of the pot (it's not lethal and it doesn't encourage violence in users but I do wonder about accessibility again). What I am scared about is the fact that the boyfriend is DRUGGING BM TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. That terrifies me. There is something really wrong with a man who would do that, and wrong with a woman who would go along with it. The dynamics of such events lead me to believe that's not all that's going on. And a man who is willing to drug a grown woman to 'have sex with her' isn't many steps from drugging a woman 'to make her willing to have sex with him' which is about an inch away from the moral question of "what is consensual and what is rape".

And there is a young girl in the house.

I encourage you to gather proof Mrs. P. Without it, you'll just have to live with the knowledge that this is going on and you can't stop it.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Justmetoo you are making a good point, I reread the post and you are right, BF says he has to get her high but not necessarily did it on Friday night. My concern would still be that they might be in possession. Unless they live in the area of legal use of pot, I would be concerned about that. Even if they do not use it when SD is there, they use it when their other child is there. At this point it is not just assumption, he said BM takes pill and smokes weed to get high.

Also the fact that BF repeatedly plays rough with 6-year-old concerns me, he might be under influence since I personally do not know any adult males who play rough with little girls. I think dad needs to take more responsibility, dad befriended this BF up to the point of discussing sexual habits and revealing drug usage, yet this guy continues upsetting SD with rough play...I don't know...This man is bad news.

It seems that MrsP is the only one who is trying to manage all this. I wonder what the lawyer says...


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smoking?

Neither I nor ex ever smoked while together, we both started smoking during divorce, probably due to amount of stress, both quit at the same time. Yes we did everything what needed to be done for conceiving the right way. We were very determined. But let's say if i made mistakes like exposed my child to second hand smoking or was doing dumb stuff during pregnancy and my child developed asthma or other defects, then I would have to accept responsibility. We all make mistakes but have to accept responsibility and move forward by trying to be a better parent. But that's just me..


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clarification

I just realized that my post looked like I smoke pot LOL It is just someone asked if i smoked prior to having baby, and I said NO meaning smoking cigarettes. I never touched pot.


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RE: bad lessons..?

SD came home happy. she was very happy to see us. DH tried to call in the afternoon to speak to SD but BM did not answer (after 3 tried) DH called BM B/F and was able to speak to SD. Just the norm hi having fun i love you. Like I said SD was happy.. Just her clothes were too small yes i know this is probabaly nitpicking but im just going to vent either way. She is turning 7 on the 24th of this month and she was sent home in size 5 clothes.. ok maybe they would fit?... but she couldnt button the jeans the zipper was folded down in stead of bottened... the long sleeve shirt (we live in florida mind you lol 90 degrees lol) was more like a half shirt. I asked SD if she wanted to wear them to school because she normally does (when clothes fit , and no even if she said yes i wouldnt allow it) she said no they are to tight. this way it was her choice rather then mine. If she said yes idk what i would have said but... whatever. she told me to save them for my 2 yr old. I just said awe thats very nice of you and told my DD to say thank you and that was that.. no i didnt text BM and let her know SD wears size 7 get it right like i wanted to.. i held it in.. I did not send SD with pajamas BM has had exactly one month to purchase a dang pair of pj's and hasnt. SD told me she slept in her underwear.. Kinda bothered me but SD seemed fine. I have decided to call CPS maybe on wed or thursday I dont want it to be to obvious that we called. I dont want it taken out on SD. I will just call saying I am a friend of BM and saw or heard about it idk yet. If it comes back false I dont want it to back fire on us either. B/F has never lied to us before but who knows I know they have been fighting and maybe he is just trying to stire the pot. SD didnt mention anything about rough play, we didnt ask either so maybe DH talk got through to B/F. I think thats all... If i remember anything I will post. DH does take responsibility for SD disabilities. When she was being evaluated for ADD he blamed himself because he was diagnosed with ADHD. But then again many kids are and many kids are misdaignosed. BTW thought I would add - My 5 month old was a surprise - DH had what maybe 3 beers and we were irresponsible and didnt use a condom - no i do not drink It was just him but so far - she is fine and one plump chunky monkey :)


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RE: bad lessons..?

MrsP I forgot about your 5 month old. I love chunky monkeys. I could eat their little cheeks all day. Both of my kids were chunks and I loved it. Always wanted a fat baby. Lol

Glad you decided to stay


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RE: bad lessons..?

Good job, MrsP, you are taking care of business in a productive way!

Let us know what CPS say. I had dealings with CPS and it is hit or miss, in some cases they do a great job but more than often they just let it go. Hopefully it would get resolved one way or the other.

Even though not buying pajama is nothing comparing to other issues, but how dumb of BM not to buy something for a kid to sleep in.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I dont think I will hear from CPS because I wont let them know the call is from us. I will however be able to get the case file once it closes in 30 days. But if they do find drugs in her system they will have to notify DH by law. They had to notify him about a year ago beause of "suspected" abuse on her younger DD. I would think that sooner of later SD will feel like she doesnt belong there because BM cant even get her pajamas. She has everything for her DD but not SD.. No clothes nothing.. I mean thats just my guess but who knows - time will tell.


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RE: bad lessons..?

CPS wouldn't call you back to let you know what they found even if you did tell them who you were. If they find something bad in the home they do have to contact DH. I called CPS on my son's sperm donor because they don't know how to be parents to the child they actually have something to do with. They live in a nasty unclean pos shack that should be condemned. They physically fight with each other, they do drugs.... sperm donor will be reporting to jail on May 19 for 9 months due to probation violations... one being failed drug test. I know CPS checked them out and did nothing because I talked to mom of child #2 and #3. Mom of kid #5 is her cousin. CPS hardly ever does anything. Good luck though!


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RE: bad lessons..?

I think Sd sleeping in panties and nothing more with a live in BF is enough for a judge to stop overnights. It's inappropriate. My son sleeps in just his underwear but he's a boy and he sleeps in his bed in a home with mom and dad. I believe it would be inappropriate for dd to sleep in less than pjs with my husband around because simply she is a girl and girls need to be covered. My opinion.


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RE: bad lessons..?

--"I think Sd sleeping in panties and nothing more with a live in BF is enough for a judge to stop overnights. It's inappropriate."--

That was my thought too, Myfam. I sat here thinking, WTH? Why did BM at least not just go to her own closet and dig out a t-shirt? An oversized makeshift sleepshirt would have been fine. Not to judge a lady I have never ever met, but common sense screams improvise...turn on the thinking cap and figure it out BM.

I'm not too sure CPS can 'ignore' & or do nothing in this case as BM lost SD due to neglect/abuse and has now approached courts wanting overnights and time increase. She already has a file and since then someone else has reported her for possible abuse on the other child. But there is going to have to be something to actually report and to act one. They'll not act on something like 'BM lost a shoe' or 'BM put a top on the kid too small', but if sincere concerns and true neglect/abuse keeps popping up on this lady, they'd be fools to turn a blind eye on it. For all 'we' know, BF might have been 'rough playing' with younger DD while BM sat back drugged (by BF?, that guy bothers me in all this).


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RE: bad lessons..?

I agree that CPS would not get bothered with small issues but if you tell that a day before SD's visit BM's live-in BF said that BM is using pills and weed to get high, I think they require to investigate. I would also call the police and say you think they in possession since they get high to have sex, they must have it in possession.


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BF visits

I also think that BF's visits to your house need to stop because it could come up that if you are concerned about his drug abuse or rough play or whatever why is he coming over.


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RE: bad lessons..?

B/F does not come over anymore. This was actually the first time in awhile DH heard from him. Ok i actually just came on here to vent once again and possible be yelled at again.. BUT SHE WONT SHUT UP!! ok - BM texted me while i was on my way home from getting SD from school. Once again she asked me to baby sit her other DD for 65$ a week. I simply replied no... well - then it starts... "why you said you would before" I never said I would i said i would think about but after discussing it with my attorney I decided not to. (i cant even type because she keeps texting me) OK - I thought for a minute and took a guess - I replied to her.. I wont help you because you didnt file your taxes this year.. ok go ahead and yell at me.. She wrote me back saying she is sending in her 1040 tomorrow!!! the cut off was april 15th. She owes DH 2600$ just in arrears not counting the delinquent. She told the judge back in march she was going to pay off all her arrears with her taxes. I told her its to late.. Im so aggrivated. She then wrote me "they will let me" (file late) I said whatever I already told my attorney its ok we will continue to pay for everything.. Oh then she wrote back Your such a snitch.. lol... sorry guys im really mad right now.. I wrote her back to not give me anything to tell my attorney then... She said DH wanted her full time now.. I told her to leave me alone she makes me sick she ought to be ashamed of herself as a mother. Now i am just ignoring the texts from her. Go ahead and tell me how wrong I am. I know, I went to far. But I got information for court - she hasnt filed her taxes. ----- on to the email from my attorney she simply said do not call CPS yet , she is saving all of our emails for when we need them.. So I dont know what she has up her sleeve. Im thinking she will make random drug tests court ordered.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I'm not going to yell at you.

You are in this drama because you won't remove yourself. Good luck.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Document, pay attention and listen to your lawyer...it's what DH pays her for. You've contacted her and she's advised you.

In the meantime, shut your phone off so you don't have an accident driving. You have the kids with you, you know they are safe and everything is immediately ok...keep it that way. Don't let her bait you or put you in danger of accident. Whatever she's rattling about is a non-issue in the immediate circumstance/setting.

This lady can not even provide clothing for one evening for her daughter, why would she think you would babysit and actually receive a dime a week? It's not realistic. You have nothing to discuss with her. Her DD is not your problem...let her figure out how to enroll DD in a free daycare/preschool via state assistance. You owe her no explaination why you can not nor will not babysit...having two preschool children yourself already to care for is reason enough. While you should never have agreed to even 'think' about it, you still owe her no explainations. Again, ignore her texts. Do need feed into it. Make a craft with the kiddies, go for a stroll , whatever it takes to get your mind off the chaos. If she manages to come up with something she thinks really needs said, she can text your DH. Wonder how long he'd keep his phone on if she bugged the heck outta him at work? Not long, you can bank on it.

Same with taxes. Whatever is going on with what's owed and tax filing blah blah blah, is a matter you can't control, need not worry yourself over in the immediate timeframe and have no need to discuss with her. Legal crap and things between court, DH and BM...enjoy the kids, leave the bigger stuff to the people it actually involves and/or who will address it. Don't engage with her, don't fight with her. For the rest of the evening she plain just does not exist.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I agree, turn your phone off. OR... you can call your wireless company and ask that her phone number be blocked from your phone. She will not be able to text you anymore. I did that with sperm donor's sister. She kept texting me blaming me for him going to jail. I'm now enjoying the peace and quiet. :) The IRS will allow her to file but she'll be penalized. You'll still get her taxes as an interception. That's out of her control. Don't worry about her anymore.


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RE: bad lessons..?

you shouldn't be answering the phone, keep it on silent, save her harassing texts for documentation but stop replying. she can use it against you. BM will stop talking to you if you don't reply. she can say that you engage her in arguments not the other way around, she has your texts now. I am also terribly concerned how you type while driving, it is against the law where i am at, plus you are endangering other drivers and your children. Just pretend she doesn't exist


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RE: bad lessons..?

She texted while I was on my way home. School is literally a block away and yes i did read it but did not respond untill i returned to the house. Most of the argument occured while typing my post to you all online. The texts have stopped and I am worried that if I block her number she will use that in court as us trying to hold her daughter away from her for her daily calls because sometimes DH is at work late of his phone dies and he doesnt even notice.. DH came home early today for once and it has been nice. I got a nap in while he rearanged my babies room. we just got them a new dresser and it was nice to have it done right away rather than sit around untill next weekend. I forgot to post that I had a meeting with SD teacher last week because some little boy showed of his good to sd and we were irrate - well after discussing it with teacher - the teacher also informed me that 1- SD MIGHT BE GOING TO 2ND GRADE!!!! :) AND 2. BM called her and asked to sit in for a class. the teacher told me she didnt even return her call because all that would be is a distraction and is unrealistic. the office also made complaints to me personally about BM. but main thing - SD MIGHT BE PASSING BY THE TIP OF HER NOSE!!! BUT STILL PASSING!!


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RE: bad lessons..?

I'm pretty sure by law she can sit in on a class. I just sat in dd's class last week. As with my ex he has rights to go to the school and interact with the teachers, get any information regarding schools. If she wants to do good, let her. It should only be the bad things you concern yourself with. How wonderful for SD that her mom showed an interest in her school. I bet sd would be thrilled for mom to come to school.

Be careful engaging in 'laughing at BM' emails with teachers. Their emails are not private and can be used against you if subpoenaed -- I've been through this so trust me. And DH worked in the IT dept of a school district and this happened a LOT. Parents trying to prove that the other parent was trying to alienate the teachers from the other parent. If the teacher is ignoring her... I'd say this teacher is really overstepping and has a legal obligation to return emails to the parent. I've had ex contact the school to get information to use against me and yes the teachers contact me to 'let me know' but they have to give the information that is requested. Dd's music teacher cannot stand BD because he started an argument with her ... Had nothing to do with me and she often rolls her eyes when she sees him coming but it's her job to put on a smile and be the teacher of the child and stay out of our mess. She just happened to get first hand experience with the jerk.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Oh its not throu emails with the teacher we spoke in person. The school called DH to ask him if BM can have a confrenece with the teacher and he said Ya she has the right.. she does.. But the teacher herself just told me this at a meeting about the other little boy showing his goods. She said it would be to distracting to the other children and SD. We didnt influence her choice. We want BM to be involved with her school!!! That would be great for SD she does SD homework with her - and it comes back half if not more than half wrong. So idk what is best. The lady at the front desk told me last week that "if it wasnt her job she wouldnt let BM walk away with SD".. She said she was sketchy and she had a bad vibe.. but once again we didnt influence that opinion. The emails between teacher and I are strictly school related. I dont share my family issues with everyone - well you guys and my family and closest 3 friends... But then again you guys wouldnt know me if i knocked at your door :)


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RE: bad lessons..?

She stated call not email, Myfam. BM called and teacher did not return a phone call. While I agree not to engage in teacher/parent gossip, I think this may have been passed on to Mrs. P because the office has also made complaints about BM. Wonder what office has to complain about? Just what has BM been up to at the school? And why does school think complaining to Mrs. P is the course to take to make BM 'behave'? Mrs. P is not responsible for BM. I guess I'm wondering if there is something in custody/parental plan that bypasses BM as far as school/education? If DH has complete legal custody and maybe BM only visitation rights (school/education completely in Dad's charge), BM might be pushing a legal right to exclude her from interaction between the school and DH. Schools just like medical professionals can only confer with who legally holds the interest of the child. My DS and his ex have complete legal joint custody of my GS, teachers, drs and such can and do talk with/meet with both.

About the class visit. I can see not allowing a visit at this time. These kids have but a few weeks left and this little girl is a hair away from not passing. While the teacher should have politely returned call and expressed reasonable reasons as to why she felt class visit was not a good idea, I can understand teachers not wanting visitors as they wrap up the final days. My DD's final days this school year are a hussle of final lessons and test, end of yr activities such as field trips and class project wrap ups. It really would be unnecessary and a distraction to have parents sight seeing around...we've been invited to 5th grade talent show day and just had a chance to take field trip with class to a working early 1900's farm day.

As to SD passing...I hope she gets the grades to be able to do so. After that DH might want to discuss with teacher if passing child is the best thing to do. Would it benefit child to take the 1st grade class once more? If she needs the extra 'help' now it might be better to have it than to pass on and fall behind next year. Maybe if she does make it and teacher thinks she can handle 2nd grade, you can work with SD this summer to retain what she has learned so far this past year and be not lose what has gained. But how exciting for SD. She worked hard and has caught almost up. Be proud of her accomplishments.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I have hard time believing that school considers parents sitting in class unrealistic. Also no matter if teacher thinks it is a bad idea, teachers have no rights to deny parents attending classes. Justmetoo I see how school might suggest the best day or time but saying NO is just not an option.

In any case I think this teacher is overstepping by discussing it with SM. I am not surprised office is upset with BM, it happens with difficult parents, but I think they took inappropriate course of action. They have to inform administration not a stepparent, telling a stepparent that another parent had bad vibe is so inappropriate. What are these people thinking????

To all honesty SD lives with dad, not mom, she only sees mom once in awhile, I don't know how much homework could mom get done.

As about you being obligated to be on call and BM getting you in trouble in court, I don't think you personally have legal obligations to be on call for BM. Dad and mom have legal obligations, I have hard time imagining any judge would nail YOU for not answering argumentative texts. If DH's phone dies and he doesn't even know it, then he needs to be held responsible, not you.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Tuesdays homework is done with mom. once a week. BM called DH to speak with SD again today.. Maybe when I told her to leave me alone earlier she listened. IDK about the actions of the school telling me. It was passed in just a chit chat manner. BM does have the right to go to the school , dr and school activities. Thats why when they called DH he was kinda like - well ya she can.. He knew he couldnt say no even if he wanted to. He does however have an agreement with the school to where they need to call him if she goes there on anyother day than tuesday and if she tries to remove her from school early. The teacher said she would rather do a confrence with BM and that she did not return her call nor did BM call back. IDK exactly because it doesnt involve me. I was just telling you all what i was told and this was about a week and a half ago. The lady in the office had a few complaints i know she mentioned her other daughter does not behave she just screams and runs around and is filthy. And that she was sketchy - i didnt ask her why is she sketchy...


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RE: bad lessons..?

going to hijack for a minute ... Really PO1 you don't see it as unrealistic for a parent to sit in class... aren't you in a classroom ??? kids aren't distracted by the new face in the room ??? When I was teaching ... granted some kids do not care who is in the room but some see a new/extra face and have to put on a show ...

Neither my SKs or BM have my cell number .... I changed it 3 years ago ... if kids need a parent they call mom or dad ... if mom needs to speak to her children she can call the house or dad leave me out of it ....school does not have it ....they are not allowed to use my phone to call mom if we are out and they need to talk to mom and forgot their phone(s) ... use a payphone!

Block her number ... change your phone number ... do what you have to do to protect your sanity ... you're not going to make her a better mom by telling her what she is doing wrong ... you can't fix stupid.


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pseudo

pseudo, it is not allowed to tell a parent they can't come sit in class. it might be realistic or might be not, it might be disruptive or whatever, doesn't matter, parents can't be told they can't sit in class. they have to inform school of a day they want to attend and teachers need to be told by administrator ahead of time. if there is a big test/exam that day then administrator could suggest a different day, saying "it is unrealistic" is not an option. I have been in education in different capacities for close to 25 years in very different regions, it was never an option.


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RE: bad lessons..?

They didn't tell mom no ....they told SM....they just didn't acknowledge BM...

granted it may be unprofessional but BM is "unparental"


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RE: bad lessons..?

My school has an open door policy. We don't have to contact the school, just check in at the office. The teachers make it clear that we can come in at any time. Of course, the teacher will put the parent to work! Reading to the kids, stapling papers, etc.

The school should never get involver with custody. No matter how crazy the parent is they should never side with the other parents... it just doesn't work. Then the school could get in trouble and that would not be to the benefit of the child.

The BM should absolutely be acknowledged. "The teacher said she would rather do a confrence with BM and that she did not return her call nor did BM call back. "

I would be livid if my dd's teacher didn't call me back. Regardless of custody issues, if I have the right to participate in my daughter's education it is the teacher's responsibility to facilitate.


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RE: bad lessons..?

... why do my post always cause problems.. Today is SD tues visit - hope it goes well...


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RE: bad lessons..?

We have to call ahead of time. With 20 plus students in a classroom it's a matter of scheduling. While no parent is refused visiting it is not a 'hey, I am coming on this day at this time'...it has to be pre-scheduled and be feasible for classroom. While the school encourages parental involvement, parents need to remember that their child is not the only child in classroom.

We can call teacher and confer via phone (they call back during their open time during day or even after hours) and/or we can schedule meetings in persons...but we can not just show up and expect teacher to drop her other students and meet unannounced.

Our school district encourages so much parent involvement that few parents really feel the need to just visit classroom and quietly observe (unless there are issues then parents can certainly arrange to do that). We get sign up sheets at the beginning of each year with anything from reading day to history assist guest to art assistance. It might be signing up one day as a 'mystery' reader (the little kids love that surprise), or three to four parents signup for paper mache week, select a day for historical exhibit/presentations throughout the year blah blah blah. I don't think our school has missed thinking up clever productive ways to get us all there and involved. Grandparents Day, Career Day, Talent Show Day and on and on. If we feel excluded nor non-involved it's be our own fault out here.

Being we have the special needs children mixed in as much as possible throughout each day and a sudden unplanned arrival of a parent/visitor could affect the classroom's learning process for the overall room, it is required that visits are planned and pre-scheduled. That's only fair and expected when dealing with an entire classroom. I guess I look (as does my district)at it as my 'right' to be involved and visit should not overrule another student's right to also have a productive nondistracted uneventful day.


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RE: bad lessons..?

That makes sense Justme... but I guess parents in the class just aren't that much of a distraction IMO. From what I can tell at DD's school if a parent comes in they just become a part of the activity rather than being a "guest".

Of course, if a parent is coming to "monitor" rather than "assist" I think the dynamic changes.


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RE: bad lessons..?

The teacher told me she wanted to sit and observe. I would think if my daughter was failing i would want a one on one meeting with the teacher to hear why she is so behind and what I as her mother need/should do. rather than watch the whole class and observe how the teacher handles her daily routines. I have never heard of a parent attending to do things like mystery reader.. thats awesome!!


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RE: bad lessons..?

I think it can be important to see how your child interacts in a classroom. Not all parents go at things the same way. There is more than one way to skin that cat.

I don't want to step on your toes, but if you were my child's SM and her teacher were telling you about our meetings, what I wanted, etc... I'd be more than a little miffed.

I think you need to take a giant step back.


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RE: bad lessons..?

Parents are allowed to come, sit and watch, it is encouraged at any grade level. At a high school they have to tell the office ahead of time. Teachers are not allowed to not acknowledge parental concerns, not call back etc I don't care how bad is BM. As about mom being noncustodial, she still is a parent and was not denied parental rights.

If BM only has SD on Tuesdays and does homework once a week, I don't think she can be held responsible for SD failing.

Now not only families have dysfunction, SD's school appears to be dysfunctional as well, teachers and the office are discussing BM with SM and not calling BM back...One more thing to add to unhealthy patterns.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I think sometimes when the teachers 'like' a parent.. Say.. MrsP is popular at school and the teachers adore her ... They know that MrsP is raising sd and that BM isn't around. The view possibly is 'what kind of mother isn't raising her daughter??' so they think they can roll eyes and laugh or giggle that BM is 'sketchy' because after all, isn't she the one without custody. They probably called because they are at the end of the school year and all of a sudden she is calling and they've never heard from her before. Here is an example: when dd was in kindergarten BD had never been to the school but then two weeks before school was out, he emailed wanting to know what activities he could participate in. There were none but teacher responded there was nothing left except end of year party. She then emailed me to 'let me know' she heard from BD and he was wanting information. She also said 'please don't involve me, I just wanted you to know what he was asking for because I think he plans to use it against you'. Sure enough 3 weeks later he files for full custody. I don't have to tell you how that went, dd is now in 4th grade and is just now visiting BD again after three years of no visits. So... I refrained from saying a word to the school and it worked in my favor. The teachers know im not up there gossiping, I haven't told them anything on purpose, so when BD and SM went for a conference and wanted to say how awful I am and how I keep DD from them and how I don't share info, they actually took a step back and said, you know if all of that were true we would have seen BM slinging mud instead it's the other way around. I just dont engage in any slam conversations. Only once was I told by a teacher that she thought BD was a jerk and that had nothing to do with me. The teachers don't contact me to 'make sure' BD is allowed to come to the school, he has his papers that show he has joint custody and we aren't the only divorced parents at the school-- the school is capable of reading a court order and most are worded the same way. So it sounds to me and of course only my opinion, once again MrsP is 'getting information' or talking to school about BM ... Which I believe to be inappropriate.

I think the reason your posts get everyone riled up is because there is just so many red flags going up that everyone wants to put in their opinion and that gets others giving their opinions. But honestly. Isnt that what forums are for? Different points of view and to debate. I know I enjoy reading the different ideas.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I don't see how MrP's posts cause any problems, just the situation seems somewhat out of control so everyone has an opinion, I don't see problems. In fact people are mostly in agreement what needs to be done in this situation.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I agree with you PO1 but not sure it came out that way lol


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RE: bad lessons..?

Wow. ok well No i do not talk to the school about BM or trash talk her to them. So no I was not being inappropriate. Take a step back.. No i wont tell her school that I dont want to know there opinion. And no i wont tell her teacher to leave me out of it. I am as much involved with her schooling if not more than DH because I am the one helping her while DH is always at work. Also You have never read me saying that I blame BM for SD failing in fact i believe i have written many times that SD has a disablility but we have yet to have it diagnosed. She was found to not have ADD but we are waiting on her insurance to figure it all out. Please dont put words in my mouth. My situation is bad enough without your addition. What i said what BM was not halping SD in a positive way because she cant seem to do her homework with her. She always has an excuse for there being so many wrong answers on SD homework and her reply is always "My Bad". I am trying to step back. BM no longer calls my phone to talk to SD in the evening (since thursday i think) and I dont text her or call her.Only the other day when she texted my phone and called me a snitch - well thats what we pay our lawyer for we "snitch" to her and she brings it to the judge.


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honestly

For the record let me say my opinion. As her SM i love her very much and care for her as i do my own. She has lived with me since she was 3. BM was not involved at all for the first year almost. So from the very begining i was her mother figure. BM signed over her rights and just pretty much gave her up once cps removed SD from her. She could have done the parenting classes right away rather than 2 years later she could have moved the cats out right away rather than waiting and done everything else CPS requested right away. All this that we are talking about me being to involved with (school , her care , everything) BM can be mad about my involvement - she left a gap in SD life and I filled it. Now I am suppossed to drop it because BM wants to play mommy. One day SD will relise because Im sure BM will do this all again. I want my sd to one day look back and see how DH and I have BOTH stood by her and supported her 100% and always ALWAYS looked out for her best interest and wanted her to always succeed.


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RE: bad lessons..?

It's hard to be the SM when dad is always at work and SM's don't have much power or are criticized for making decisions for their skids. I get that.

"Also You have never read me saying that I blame BM for SD failing...What i said what BM was not halping SD in a positive way because she cant seem to do her homework with her. She always has an excuse for there being so many wrong answers on SD homework and her reply is always "My Bad"."

I think it's good you are pulling away. It sounds like BM has issues and it's probably best for the all of you if DH handles the relationship with her. That way it's not blamed on you.


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RE: bad lessons..?

I get that too. I can't imagine. I think that's why everyone thinks that DH should step up more and not expect you to do his work.

Yes he is working but how is him not taking care of his business bc he is working any different than BM not taking care of her business?

I work FULL TIME. For several years I was a single mom and BD did not have access to dd. I didn't have a wife/husband to take care of my business... I had to do it. It's MY job as her parent. Even now that I do have a husband, I still work FULLTIME and I am a parent to two children and I still take care of my business when it comes to dd. So I kind of get tired of reading how poor DH has to work to support 5 members of the family so MrsP has to do everything for him. It's the father's job as a parent to take care of his own business with regards to his daughter.


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RE: bad lessons..?

so i should sit back and mind to my 2 kids and not handle sd's things? thats rediculous. I made the choice to be a stay home mother to all 3 of the kids. I chose to step up and help with SD. I agree he should handle dealings with BM and im trying to keep it this way - it has only just started but have to start somewhere. But as for taking care of SD i have no problems with it. I married him knowing he had a daughter and im not just going to push her off and deal with only my kids. thats wrong. she would resent me for that knowing she was with me before my kids.. I have already stated when DH does get home he does take over with ALL the kids. We are a family. SD needs to know she is no different in our heart then the other 2 children. Weekends he usually goes and does something with just him and SD as i have also told you all. I will not live in a house where my children are not equal or one has more than the other or where I do not have a healthy relationship with my sd. I do undertstand his "say so" is what goes with SD and I dont have any but for the most part we make agreements. we both want what is best. I also know BM has the rights and i dont but at the same time she told the judge she didnt want SD to move in with her she didnt have the time. I do. Maybe part of it traditional thinking - I cook I clean and I take care of the kids untill he is home then its him and I get a break or can watch my tv shows whatever. This works for us I know my husband is a huge part in my kids life and you all cant see that - you just see what i type b ut i wont sit here and type our whole day out for a week straight to prove it i have plenty of other things to do. Besides i come here for support nd advice not read trash talk about my husband so i will just start ignoring that part. Speaking of which he just walked in for his lunch break - he just told me BM called him to let him know she cant SD from school next TUE. she called him not me :).. back on track - I have friends who have step parents some had bad ones and some had good ones but ALL tell me to stand by her and keep up the good work and they know me and my family personally and one actually knows BM (from school). One said her SM treated her so different from her kids and she hates her now for it...


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RE: bad lessons..?

No you take it the wrong way. I'm not talking about housework. Or treating kids different. I'm talking about slamming BM for not doing this or that but then your husband isn't doing certain things but it's ok because he works.


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RE: bad lessons..?

"I kind of get tired of reading how poor DH has to work to support 5 members of the family so MrsP has to do everything for him. It's the father's job as a parent to take care of his own business with regards to his daughter."

AMEN.

I work full time, I am the full time taxi driver for DD's multitude of activities, I do the housework and the homework and the parent teacher conferences and the dance recitals.

I think BM's often do. And SM's as well. It's a lot less frequent, IMO, that birth/step fathers do the same.

I posted a thread a while back about how so many SM's take on the role of "wife/mother" and dads are willing/encouraging them to be the forefront of the kids/house. My point then was: How does it make you feel that you are in charge of the kids but have no authority (legal or otherwise)?

Regardless, if I were SM in this case I'd feel helpless and bashed and if I were the BM in this case I'd be pretty po'd that my DD's dad isn't the one taking charge.

lose/lose situation... except for the dad. Somehow they usually end up unscathed.


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RE: bad lessons..?

well like i said I am trying to step back from discussing things with BM. But you have to remember she was coming to me. She would rather deal with me but since i cant tolerate her anymore without getting so angry i will try my hardest... try! to jus ignore her. I will just let DH deal with it. But like i said she did text/call idk for sure to tell DH she wont be getting SD on tue. I checked my phone for the time after he left and sure enough she did text me as well but i didnt reply. Like i also said before - BM should have thought about this before when she signed over her rights - yes i understand she has the right to go to court and get them back or whatever but that doesnt mean i have be non existant. She had the option to handle things the way CPS asked but she didnt. I dont feel helpless at all. I feel helpess with BM cause she will obviously never change but I know I am helpful in my SD life and thats whats important, right?


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RE: bad lessons..?

It's kinda like this Mrs. P.

1. Pay phone bill...check
2. Buy groceries...check
3. Go shopping to buy kid's clothes...check
4. Attend classroom party for school...check
5. Feed cat and make dinner...check
6. Kiss all boo-boos and tuck the kids in...check
7. Assure all kids are loved and taken care of...check
8. Deal with BM...nope.

That's his puppy. You are running the household and mothering three children just like every other family's routine where there is a SAHM...where the difference comes is BM is his problem, his duty to have to deal with, confer with or put up with her crazy antics. You've tried and she's taken advantage of it and deliberately bypasses the guy she is suppose to be communicating with.

It does not matter if he has to phone/text her a bit later. There is nothing in your plan that states Dad must jump when BM demands. Unless SD's is ill or injured it's no biggie if Dad gets back to her at his convenience. He can text her at 9pm just as well you were you having to do so at 4pm. Just like with this Tuesday...BM managed to contact Dad once she figured out you were not taking her calls/texts.

Take yourself out of the middle. Run your household, care for the little ones and let Dad worry about BM. You've been leting BM run your life...time to put a stop to it.

I don't doubt Dad loves his babies and is 'there' for them. What he has to do now is take on dealing with BM, it's his 'duty' and it's no longer working that you be the one to continue to do so. She's his problem.


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RE: bad lessons..?

you are very right. That is what I am now trying to do. I have tried everything - stupidly... tried to be her friend , teacher now you are right - i cant do anything to wake her up. I understand I was overstepping my bounds with trying to "teach" her how to parent SD. In my heart she is mine - in a sense , she is the SM... I know she is not and if the shoes were on the other foot i would be angry with me too. Granted i would never put myself in those shoes but yes , I hear you. I 100% agree, and I am trying. DH will text her monday to make sure she still wont be getting SD from school because part of me thinks she is just pulling our legs to in the end start some more drama somehow but he will find out.


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