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SD's growin' up...

Posted by imamommy (imamommy21@yahoo.com) on
Sun, May 6, 12 at 20:36

So, DH found a "love" note SD wrote to a boy that lives in the town BM lives in. She apparently met him through her mom... BM is friends with his mom & they met when BM went over to drink with the adults around the bonfire while the kids played. Apparently, SD was 'dating' this boy. (we are not sure what 'dating' means since we don't get a straight answer from BM or SD... pathological liars)

Well, DH asked BM who the boy is & wanted to know what has been going on since the note referred to an incident when SD was at the boy's house with BM's BF's DD... and while BM's BF's DD was off playing, SD & the boy were "on the porch kissing" and SD's note mentioned that no adults were around. So, given SD's prior history of inappropriate (sexualized) conduct with (older) boys, DH is concerned that SD was allowed to hang out at this boy's house with no adult supervision. So, he asked BM & I was shocked by her answer. She said, don't worry about it... that was 2 years ago. So, that means that when SD was 11, she was unsupervised with some boy at his house, kissing... and BM knew she was 'dating' this boy at age 11?

I guess the big concern is that every year, SD has spent the entire summer at BM's. DH has known for years, that BM allows SD to ride her bike around town & go walking across town with her older sister... but I spoke to BM's BF's ExW and she says her DD (who is a little over a year younger than SD) was allowed to walk across town with SD. She spotted them crossing a busy street wearing shorts & tank tops. She says she is not comfortable with her daughter being allowed that much freedom & worries for her safety too. (two young girls, dressed like that, going wherever they want on foot because BM does not want to be bothered to take them anywhere) I have told DH for the last three years that he needs to concern himself with what SD is doing when she's there because she seems to have total freedom and no supervision... he basically said that on BM's time, there's nothing he can do about it so he wasn't going to say anything. I don't think the reality of her meeting & hanging out with boys entered his mind until he saw in her own handwriting that it has already happened. The note appears to be an effort to rekindle whatever she thinks they had... it wasn't clear when they were together but it talks about "remember when ..." and "I miss you".

Anyway, DH still says he can't go against the court order & stop BM from having SD for this summer. My only concern is that for the last two years, BM has told SD that she can't go live there... because SD wants to. And when she's there, she is allowed to wear make up & apparently date boys & walk all over town unsupervised most of the time. If she is allowed so much freedom, I worry that she will eventually start having sex & possibly become pregnant. If her mom won't take her now, I doubt she will take her with another baby... and SD is now 13 & it is possible for her to get pregnant. I do not want to deal with THAT.

So, here's my question. Would it be inappropriate to have her get a birth control shot before she leaves for her mom this summer? I've had people tell me that if she gets a shot & knows it will prevent pregnancy, she is more likely to engage in sexual behavior. I know most girls that age have a mom that can talk to them & instill morals so they make better choices about sex but SD doesn't have that. She doesn't want to hear ANYTHING I say... and DH has no idea how to talk to her like that.. and besides, at 13 it's a little late to build up her self respect if she has been taught by her mom that the only way to have value is to be hot, sexy & desireable. SD was saying that at age 6 when I met her.

Thoughts???


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: SD's growin' up...

I get where you are coming from totally but yeah I wouldn't get her the BC shot. There are a lot of dangerous possible side effects that go along with hormonal BC that a young girl cannot understand the implications of.

And I think all hell will break loose with BM when she finds out. I'd be more inclined to teach her about proper condom use because that will protect her from std's as well.

I know it's hard to step back here when you can see the train wreck coming around the corner, but this could get really ugly. Educate her as much as your DH agrees with and I guess go with your gut..Tough situation for sure.

~Cat


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RE: SD's growin' up...

I know that's true Cat but she lies about pretty much everything & does nothing anyone tells her. That's why I don't think talks will do any good. For the last four years, I have tried to explain to her in every way possible how important it is for her to be trusted because the time will come that she will want to hang out with friends & go places. She ignored (or simply defied us) & to this day, sneaks & lies about whatever DH says no to.

Also, I'm not sure if showing her how to use a condom wouldn't be more of a lesson (& in a way, permission) in how to have sex. I wouldnt have the talk with her because she barely acknowledges me on a day to day basis, hardly the kind of relationship to facilitate her taking my advice. DH could talk to her but he hasn't really established the kind of relationship where he could talk to her & get her to listen. The good news is that DH will listen to whatever I say because he is clueless & I'm sure he'd rather let me handle it. But, I believe if I tell her to do one thing, she'll do the opposite. That very well may be why she was failing in school because since I put her back at her old school (of residence), I haven't shown any interest in whether she'd passes or fails... she has actually kept most of her grades up to B's & C's. I truly think she resents me that much & I don't want to be the reason she ruins her life.

I agree that the side effects might be difficult (my daughter doesn't like the side effects). But, I doubt BM would argue since her main concern is if it's going to cost her anything. She would probably agree if DH were to tell her if SD gets pregnant, she's going to live there. I'm just at a loss for other options.


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Case in Point

SD got home this evening after I wrote the last post. A few minutes after they walked in, I got a text message from BM's BF's ExW, telling me that she told her ex on Friday, that she did not want her DD & SD going anywhere unsupervised while she's visiting him. Then she found out through a friend that they spent the day at the creek yesterday with a boy... it's a small town so she knows the boy's family & they live down the street from BM.

Anyway, DH asks SD if she went to the creek this weekend. She tells him no. A few minutes later, I ask her "who did you go to the creek with yesterday?" and she says, "BF's DD" and I ask, "who else?".. she says "nobody" and I ask, "then what's the boy's name that was at the creek with you yesterday?" and she tells me his name. DH was stunned. Of course, then SD wants to make it clear that the boy is BF's DD's friend... not hers. (as if we are now going to believe anything she says!)

Then DH tells me of a disturbing conversation he had with her on the way home. I guess an instructor at her old taekwondo dojo was arrested for having sex with a minor. Well, SD was telling DH how unfair it is that the adult man got arrested & can't teach taekwondo anymore because the girl (minor) is a slut & whore, like it's her fault.


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RE: SD's growin' up...

Oh, ouch, ouch. Tough spot, Ima.

Sad to say I'd trust this young girl as about how far I could throw her. She has proven over and over again not to be trustworthy. On top of that, the kid is not near as 'street wise' as she'd like to think she is. She's a kid who normally lives a fairly well supervised safe little life. Kids tend to get in the frame of mind that nothing bad will happen to them. Maybe some other kid, but surely not them.

If I were Dad, I'd hit the safety thing hard and heavy. Sure walking around town (whether in shorts/tank or a turtleneck/jeans) as young girls of their age is dangerous. Even if they think they are going to meet someone they know and trust, who knows what other person may intercept that meeting and do harm to them. How many young girls/teens go missing and are either never seen again or found dead...and all they were doing is going down the street to met a friend. Scary stuff out there.

While you don't want to scare the kid to live her life as if evil lurks around every corner, well, in reality it can be. While SD is full of secrets and 'fun' plans to sneak off and meet a guy she knows and likes, she's not thinking of all the other facts tghat could happen. She's a kid, nothing can happen to her. It only happens to other kids, not her. Not her friend. Nope, they ar safe, they can handle themselves and nothing to worry about.

And then yes, the very real thought that even if she survives the walks and sneaking around, there is the fear of pregnacy and STD. But of course she's not thinking about or worried about this either. She's 'all grown up', knows how to handle herself and well, that too only happens to other kids, not her.

I get the thought lines of not wanting to encourage the kid to have sex. Not wanting them to thinkn you approve blah blah blah. But then one has to stop and wonder. If the girl is bent on doing what she pleases, lying about it, sneaking around and jumping in head first into going to do it like it or not, what other options does a parent have in trying to protect the child? I tend to think once a kid starts to show signs she is going to do this no matter what, the thoughts towards preventing it need to sometimes face reality too.

Of course no parent wants their kid having unsafe sex, unprotected sex or sex period at that young age. Of course parents don't want to write the kid a 'free pass' to think they can do it 'heck mom/dad approve, even helped me do it safely'. But some parents come to the point where the parent has little choice. They either have to do all they can to protect the child or they have to keep turning that blind eye and praying their kid suddenly grows a brain, stops herself in time, develops a last second change of mind and/or survives the experience as intact as she was before the 'event'. Obviously the girl is not ready to be a mother. The girl likely is not even equating sex yet to motherhood, let alone some STD that could affect her the restg of her life. Nope, she's thinking like a 13 yr old with all the ability of a immature untrustworthy child bound to 'grow up' before her time.

The BC is a choice your husband will have to make all on his own. he's going to have to sit down and talk to her one way or the other. Sometime I doubt he's looking forward to nor knows quite what to say. He's going to have to come to the conclusion that he is the responsible parent when it comes to his child and make a decision based on what he honestly believes is the right/best choice pertaining to the daughter. He can't count on BM to do it nor to supervise her. He can't count on SD to instantly take this all seriously and understand her actions could have great consequences attached.

Any chance he can get through to BM that SD needs to stay home this summer, maybe go to summer school. Is BM in denial on the chances of what could happen this summer or is she just immune to caring? (not really in a she does not love the child but just naturally accepts it's ok for this behavior at this age) If BM thought she would get SD handed back to her to live 24/7 and raise (along with a possible grandchild or a STD infection or even a raped traumatized daughter)would she be open to discussing leaving the child home with Dad?


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RE: SD's growin' up...

Ouch... I can feel your pain, and don't think you are worrying unnecessarily. And furthermore, I think you're probably right on target about SD doing exactly the opposite of what you appear to want her to do, which limits your input. I'd suggest you have a heart to heart with Hubby and outline 'the talk' for him to have with her. Then maybe add your two cents in also, but from a carefully calculated perspective.

Yeah, she needs birth control of some form that her own irresponsibility can't screw it up. I've been out of that loop for a while (bless my dear sweet Hubby!) so I don't know what the best options are for her medically, but a shot sounds good. So assuming that works - no pregnancy. Then a pack condoms with the talk about the dangers of STDs, though I wouldn't actually go into instructions for use.

As to The Talk -- The whole point of it is that SHE is going to be the one who will make the decision, and she needs to give it some serious thought rather than just 'allowing it to happen.' She's probably already toying with the idea and flirting with limits... Anyway - You already know you can't tell her what to do, because she'll do the opposite. So acknowledge that. Put it right out there on the table that having sex will be her decision to make, and that it's a much bigger decision than she probably realizes, and that there are many factors to consider.

She gave you an opening when she called the taekwondo girl a slut and a whore. Ask her what she means by those terms, and how a girl she considers slutty would act. Ask her where the lines are between 'slutty' and 'OK' and 'prissy' because she really needs to give those definitions some thought... Ask her where she wants to be on that continuum.

Then for the 'You need to decide for yourself what's right for you, but here's what I feel is morally right and why' speech. This is SO important! You can absolutely throw in there a strong preference that she wait several years for the right time for her, the right boy, and the right relationship -- because if any of those things is wrong, there's heartache involved...

Of course, this will have to be Dad -- because you're right -- she won't hear it from you.

What should she hear from you that could boomerang into a good outcome? Maybe to overhear an expression of resignation from you to Dad that you don't think she has the maturity to wait? Or that you don't think she has the self-esteem to say 'no' to a cute boy? Or maybe that you expect she'll have to learn the hard way that boys don't respect 'easy' girls? I don't know - just thinking out loud...

Good luck with this -- I don't envy your position.


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RE: SD's growin' up...

A woman friend called her doctor to get Norplant "installed" for her daughter;
the doctor said it couldn't be done without the daughter's approval, regardless of the daughter's age or history or habits.

Maybe you could forbid her to get birth control?


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RE: SD's growin' up...

You may want to suggest to your DH he explain to his DD the Taekwando teacher was the individual in the wrong(committed a crime)for going anywhere near the minor sexually.He is the adult who was in a trusted position and he violated that position and the minor.That way if his DD is ever approached by an adult she will hopefully recognize she's being put in harms way on many levels and is in the presence of an adult who is untrustworthy and dangerous.Her comment shows she doesn't understand and could be taken advantage of herself because she at 13 thinks she is all knowing and on the level of an adult like so many her age.

Asking her(or your DH asking her)to define "slut"or"whore"is a good idea like Sweeby suggested.It's up to her if she chooses to end up with labels like those given she's not being supervised 24/7 and if a kid really wants to do something most will find a way.

I don't blame you for being concerned about what may happen in the future(pregnancy,etc)it's a very real possibility.

Are there any examples in your town or nearby of teens who chose to at least protect themselves,made it through teens years, then went on to better lives?

Then examples of teens who became pregnant who are now struggling through school(or quit) and lost out on opportunities they could have had(lost friends as well)?Teens who lost out on teenage activities(hanging w/friends,dances,prom,sleeping in on weekends)to take on adult responsibilities they were not ready for because of their choices,your DH could point out to his daughter to compare?Or would that even get through to her?Just a thought.

If BM won't discuss this with your DH and help with a decision like this like she should be doing and the DD is living with DH/you..then perhaps he should be the parent to make that decision on his own for your SD.

Lay it at DH 's feet..either help prevent it from happening(same with BM)or they take responsibility for the consequences when she comes home announcing she's pregnant and that it will solely be their responsibility(along w/SD)and not to expect one ounce of help or support from the SD's stepparent.It is their responsibility to get her to adulthood properly.Shame on your SD's Mother for not taking this seriously.I feel for you...


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RE: SD's growin' up...

Hi, Ima.

I know you've bent over backwards with this girl for several years. You always catch the grief, and become the family scapegoat. I know that your heart's in the right place, but I don't think you should question her about her whereabouts, the creek, the boy's name, etc. She's your DH's problem. Yes, the ramifications of a pregnancy will spill onto you; however, I think any type of intervention on your part will eventually backfire. You will be the bad guy. Detach, detach, detach! Geri


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RE: SD's growin' up...

Tell BM that she can let her daughter do what she wants but if she becomes pregnant she's living with her full time!! And put it in writing. See how quickly she jumps on the BC and supervision bandwagon.


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RE: SD's growin' up...

About a month ago, I had that exact conversation but with my husband. I told him that I'm already raising DGS & I'm not raising another one from SD, that she will go live with her mom & suggested HE tell BM that. (since I don't talk to her EVER). He kinda shrugged & I didn't think he was taking me seriously. Oh well.

He is finally gone & it's not my problem. I feel bad for the life she will have, having the parents she was given.


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