Vent away. It helps so much to just get it OUT sometimes, especially with other people that can relate.

I totally know about the double standard when it comes to SMs.

BM b*tches to no end about the fact that I pick SS up from school primarily, and that he is with me on Saturdays, etc. b/c DH is working. She moans and complains to no end.

BUT--the second she NEEDS someone to pick him up, or watch him, then all of a sudden it's FINE for me to do it and she has NO PROBLEM asking.

I would just direct all calls regarding the party to your DH.

Do you get along with his mom for the most part?

Yes we get along - except when it comes to the SS - he plays poor poor pitiful me to the grandparents and they buy it -

Do you think it is wrong not wanting to go to SS graduation or have anything to do with his graduation party? I am not one of those SM that expects DH not to go without me - I fully encourage him to be involved in his son's life and attend all his activities - I just don't want to go Is that wrong? I welcome all opinions

Hi m11y,I just created this account to tell you that I dont think you are wrong for how you feel.
If anything,I think it is the best approach you could have in this issue.
By encouraging your husband to go and make all the plans, ss shouldnt feel in competition with you on "his special day".He will have mom and dad all to himself and cant say you did a,b,c,d to ruin it.

You sound 100% right and reasonable to me.

Why do you talk to her, I never talked to my husband's ex about his children. If you see it's her calling don't answer, surely he has a cell phone and she can reach him if it is an emergency.

Thanks for the comments everyone, sometimes I have no idea anymore what is right and what is wrong. I was definately not cut out for this whole SM thing - no matter what you do its wrong

Stargazzer - I don't talk to SS BM ever - I'm talking about my MIL (mother in law) DH mom - good advice though from now on I won't answer the phone when I see its her

Mlly, you sound like you are dealing with it the best you can lol. I hear ya!!!
I wasn't cut out for SM either. Most thankless job in the entire world.
I disengaged myself. Which is a hard thing to do, but made much easier, like you said, when the skids are behaving like selfish little imps.
Dh doesn't even talk to his son now. SS moved back with his mom after he turned 18 (cuz he could do whatever he wanted then) and dropped out of school. So his dad is somehow the "bad guy" for something. We havn't quite figured it out yet. I guess he is supposed to be to blame for everything ss has done wrong lately hahahaha, like being a high school drop out with no job and a knocked up g/f. LOL!! Heck, if he would have stayed with us, at least he was passing high school, and WOULD have been graduating at the end of the month, and not to mention he had a job with his dad making 11 dollars an hour, which is unheard of around here for a high school student. But, you know how that goes. Oh, and the g/f would not have been allowed to move in with us....no matter how "sad" her "story" is/was. @@
I just laugh though, because he has so made his own bed, and now he has to lie in it!!!! LOL....life lessons...priceless.

"So apparently us SM are suppose to shut up and be quiet and have no opinion on anything EXCEPT when there are bills to be paid and then open up the wallet because you knew DH had son when you married him"

OMG! That's the truest think I've heard in a LONG time! It's so funny because BM doesn't want me to have anything to do with HER DD, until it comes to what I can do FOR her DD. Does that make sense?

SO doesn't want me to disengage, but then he doesn't want to involve me in ANYTHING; even something as simple as telling me how she's doing. UGH!

Get this: BM told SO that he should spend more time with their DD when she's here. Well.....okay....he had a serious deadline with a state entity that just so happened to fall 2 days after BM booked their DD to arrive here (notice I said BM booked the flight). So I took DS and SO's DD to an amusement park (SO doesn't like roller coasters) to keep them occupied and out of the house so he could finish up and spend the rest of the night with his DD. On top of that...BM shortened the visit from 10 days to a little over 4 days (because of a ton of very obvious lies, but that's another ,story) Basically, BM didn't give SO any other options. Plus, we were gone only a few hours (4 to be exact) and we had a great time. After the meeting the next day, he spent all the rest of his time with her.

So what's the big deal? It's because I spent time with HER daughter. Maybe I just shouldn't wash HER daughter's clothes, or give HER daughter Christmas and birthday gifts. Maybe I should just get rid of the charm bracelet I've been working on for HER daughter for 6 years.

disengage. let BM DGH and MIL all plan graduation. no, you don't need to come if SS treats you bad.

Wow. Thank God I feel some normal things. I've fought with the double standard of not being the real parent when it comes to so many things...until you need to take them somewhere, pick up from school, give money, fix food, wash clothes etc... etc... I make a bit more than my DH and the BM quit paying support about 8 mo's after we were together because I could help out. I want to scream weekly if not daily, and sometimes do not know how I will or have gotten through it! Good to have this forum and feedback, it makes me think about things more and also realize it's not just me.

sm2332, you just sang my song!!!

It should be written into the vows... "FDH, will you promise to love and support your wife when the person YOU chose to make children with, does everything she can to make your new wife miserable?"

My DD19 told me the other night, "the problems with BM started as soon as he (DH) moved in here." Well, my DD was 15 and figured that out. She has also been a victim of BM's craziness! The first complaint BM ever made was directed at the music my DD listened to... specifically? Green Day! A few month later, BM gave SD a Green Day poster for her Birthday. I guess it's okay for BM to let her listen to it, but she wants my DD to turn off her music when SD is around her? Since then, SD has been heard singing a song called "sexy can I?" and "lollipop" and a few others.... Rap songs that she says her mom put on her mp3 player. Wow, how her mom's standards have changed???? no, it's just a double standard!

It's been very liberating to finally not give a crap what BM thinks. I have had to accept that she is not going to change. I am never going to be 'friendly' with her because I cannot trust her. I am cordial when I see her but I cannot pretend to care enough to ask her "how are you?" because, truly.... I could care less and she'll probably lie anyways. I smile and utter a friendly "hi" or "bye" and that's the best I can do. Of course, it offends her and pisses her off, but that's not my problem. It wouldn't matter what I do, she is going to be offended or pissed off because she doesn't want to get along with me.

After going through this for a couple of years... being expected to do things for her daughter but being angry if I don't complain about it or if her daughter doesn't complain. One of the things she wrote in her court papers is how much her daughter complains about me and does not like me.... but I have saved every letter and note that her daughter has written me over the last two years... saying "I love you"... It's truly sad that a kid has to lie to a parent, because I believe SD tells her we don't get along at all because that's what her mom wants to hear. and the times we have not gotten along are because that's what SD knows her mom wants.... SAD! As a mom, I want my kids to be happy, no matter where they are, no matter who they are with. Would I feel jealous? Maybe but I sure the hell would not show it or tell them about it so they would feel obligated to be miserable outside my presence or guilty for having fun. How can a mom who says they love their kids, do that to their kids? I will never get it. (and the only way I have been able to disengage from BM is to accept that she does not view parenting her daughter the way I do and that nothing I do or say is going to change her or make her care about what I care about... and realizing that my way is 'my way' and not necessarily the right way...)

"It's truly sad that a kid has to lie to a parent, because I believe SD tells her we don't get along at all because that's what her mom wants to hear. and the times we have not gotten along are because that's what SD knows her mom wants.... SAD! As a mom, I want my kids to be happy, no matter where they are, no matter who they are with. Would I feel jealous? Maybe but I sure the hell would not show it or tell them about it so they would feel obligated to be miserable outside my presence or guilty for having fun."

Well said, Ima. This is precisely what we have dealt with in regards to BM and SS these last few years. She has made it clear to him from day one that a) I am not his mom (duh!), b.) she doesn't like me and c.)she cannot function without him

It is so sad to hear her call him on the phone when he's here and go on about how she misses him, she's sad when he's not around, she can't wait for him to come home, etc. It makes SS feel guilty, and like he has to take care of his mom--like HE is responsible for her emotional well being. If you hear his end of the conversation, it is "I love you, too, miss you, too, ok, bye" because he is trying to get off the phone; hello, he's 7, and a boy, and not one for lengthy phone calls! Then she will start saying something again because his end starts all over "I miss you, too, Mom. I can't wait to see you either." And so on.

A simple "I love you and can't wait to see you" would suffice from her.

Kids are so very perceptive and even if a parent doesn't specifically say "I don't like your other parent" they can still pick up on it. I've been struggling in the last couple weeks b/c SS has been shying around the subject of what happened between me and his mom. He has made little comments here and there to me like "why don't you call my mom and ask her?" Or he'll say point blank "are you friends with my mom?"

I have been at a loss for words. On one hand, I CANNOT bad-mouth her or say anything negative b/c that would only hurt SS. On the other hand, though, I don't want to paint this false, rosey picture that everything is peachy. I have simply answered by saying "No, I'm not going to call your mom to ask her ____; your mom and your dad are the ones that need to communicate about you." And I've said that I want her to be a healthy, happy person.

When SD would talk to me about why I don't like her mom, etc. I would simply tell her "she's your mom and she loves you... her and I don't have to like each other, but we can both love you." and I hold my tongue around her mom and don't say anything. Like I said, I am cordial. SD may know it's forced... but at least I don't rant about her mom the way her mom rants about me. (lol, unless she has found GW and lets her DD read what I write here.. which would not surprise me!)

"It is so sad to hear her call him on the phone when he's here and go on about how she misses him, she's sad when he's not around, she can't wait for him to come home, etc. It makes SS feel guilty, and like he has to take care of his mom--like HE is responsible for her emotional well being."

We would always ask the girls "Are you having a good time?" when they actually saw their mom. They would say yes and then we would say something along the lines of "We are so gald you are having fun. Be good and listen to your mama."

However, BM would always do the guilt trip on the girls when we had them. She would do the lonely,sad mother thing and try to make them feel guilty if they sounded happy with us.

It's sick and self serving.