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Hurt by a 3 yr old

Posted by loveunconditionally (My Page) on
Wed, May 27, 09 at 19:09

I have been with my Hunny for almost a year in a half. I met his 2 children within the first week. It took me a bit to warm up to the idea of being around someone else's children, but because I love children naturally we got close real fast. Everything is going great, until recently. But I am getting ahead of myself.... For the first 4 months the Bio-Mom didn't show her face until she found out about me. I didn't care. I let her say what she wanted about me. It upset me, but I wasnt going to play her little talk smack about each other game....when her children would ask me if i was their mother...i would say they have their own mommy and that she loved them very much...I know that recently they spoke to their mom...i keep her at arm's length, and now everytime I call the house his daughter asks if its Mommy and once she finds out its me...she sighs...and lastly she said that she was sick of me.....
and that hurt me so much because I love her and her brother...but I feel like no matter how nice I am or how loving I am...in the end that doesn't matter because Bio-Mom...will always be Number 1.............
I dont even feel jealous...I just feel hurt.....
& I don't know if someone put that into her head because she is 3 yrs old...but also as an adult I cannot be angry with her bc she is 3 YRS OLD and I am NOT her mom...
What should i do?
I dont want her dad to reprimand her bc I dont want her to think its bc of me.......
What should I do?
What can I do?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Hurt by a 3 yr old

What would dad reprimand her for?

What should you do? I would tell her "that hurts my feelings because i like you very much." or "I'm sorry you feel that way because I like you" when she says something hurtful. She's 3 and she probably is parroting her mom or someone else. Unless you have done something for her to not like you, most 3 year old's change moods quickly and forget they didn't like you ten minutes ago if you offer to play a game with them or do something fun. But, her mom WILL always be #1. and as long as her mom says nasty things in front of her, she will be conflicted. It's a terrible thing to do to a child and it's hard to believe a mother would be the one to make their own child's gut wrench but it happens and it's very sad.

Step parenting is not for the faint hearted. It's the hardest thing to do... and may feel impossible at times when the other parent is openly encouraging hostility toward you. Anyone that isn't married yet and already having big problems... should think twice about whether this is for them.


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RE: Hurt by a 3 yr old

"Bio-Mom...will always be Number 1"

That is very true and will not change.

I am a stepmom to three wonderful children. They live with me and dh full-time and their mom has not even called in 4 months. Still they love her because she is their mom. At times they put her on a pedestal because they remember some good thing she did years ago. Or when she calls and promises things they gleam....only to be let down later when her promises are not carried out.

As much as I resent their mom I know they will always have a special place in their hearts for her.

And it sounds like your skids mom has them full-time...so it is only natural for her to be #1. But if your good to them you can also have a special place in their lives.


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RE: Hurt by a 3 yr old

Ima, that's a good response. I've said something similar time and again. When a child is so young they really don't know what they are saying a lot of the time. Your reaction should be honestly loving.

My almost SD years and years ago (her dad and I didn't end up marrying) was at the grocery store with me, age 3, and the checkout lady said something like 'you're so pretty, you look just like your mom' and the little imp said 'she's not my mom, she's "just" Silver'. OHHHH it hurt my feelings! But I said, 'that's right A________, I'm not your mom, but we're friends, right?'. BTW, It's been ten years since I saw her(she's almost 15 now) and she still tells her dad how much she liked me.

It hurts. Don't let them see it hurts as bad as it does. You have to be the adult. Emphasize that you are friends and that you value her as a person. It's not a competition. You can be just as valuable as a mother if you are up to the challenge. Being a friend/sm is harder, I think, and just as rewarding. If your skids love you, it's because you fostered that relationship, not by default. We almost 'have' to love our parents.


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RE: Hurt by a 3 yr old

I said reprimand because, my hunny, told her that was rude and disrespectful and things of the like--and I didn't want him to do that at all--...I felt crushed...and I posted this...but she and I talked on the phone later that day and said she still loved me and that she was just being sill.....
But this is still alarming to me.....
ALSO
Bio-Mom lives in a whole different state, pregnant with another kid-by another man, and only send 120 dollars a month for her 2 kids...she picks them up and drops them when she doesnt want to care for them or she is fed up being with them.
But I am not trying to compete with her...i respect her as their mom...I just wished I got the respect I deserved too...
personally if I wasn't with my children...and I knew there was another female around my children...I would assure to be nice to her because she's the one giving them the maternal needs I can't for whatever the reason or excuse may be for my absence.

Thanks ladies for your kind words...

IMAMOMMY::::::::: thank you...i appreciate that you took the time to reply and definitely being a stepmommy is not for the faint hearted. Also, the worst thing I have done is say No candy before dinner, but it doesn't get worse than that...i cant be mean to children...I am a future elementary teacher, a daycare assistant and I believe children should be treated like glass especially if they are not related to me.

MOM2EMALL::::::::: thanks as well for replying to me....no my skiddies are with the daddy full time and she lives out of the state...shes like your skiddies bio-mom...she wont call for a length of time and then she'll remember that she had 2 babies...

SILVERSWORD:::::::: I love your response...I think this is what I needed to read....being a friend/sm is harder.....
my skiddies have not said I am not their mom...yet...but I must brace myself bc there will be a day..I know it....its only natural...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THAT LAST PARAGRAPH---IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME...:)


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RE: Hurt by a 3 yr old

Ah..... I think what motivates the sigh and the "I'm sick of you" is the wish that bio-Mom would call when she doesn't. Being three she isn't good at expressing, "I was hoping Mom would call and instead it's always you and never Mom and it makes me sad that it's never Mom (or not Mom more often)."


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