Trying to figure out how to be a good adult stepdaughter...
LindaLou22
10 years ago
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Amber3902
10 years agolast modified: 9 years agoLindaLou22
10 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Support for Adult Stepdaughter
Comments (6)Didn't I say, "Non-stop"? My husband will be back home tonight, so I still do not know how the meeting went. However, here are new findings about SD's life style, just learnt this morning. The SD has obtained another credit card since her old debt was paid off by her ex a year ago, and made several payments on two cards this month, which sums up to $9,000. All the payments were solid figures like, "$2,000, $4,000", ball park. Now I don't know how much she owes. However, it is way over her monthly income. (Don't even ask me why I got this info. Long story.) In the mean time, she tans herself regularly and gets her French nails perfectly done. Oh, yes. I am venting now. During her college years, the SD spent out support money to get breast augmentation to look like Pamela A. (her idle) and hired a personal trainer to participate in a body building competition. No wonder she could not finish the schooling. Even though she came home with enormous breasts, my husband and her older brother (SS) were both in big time denial, saying, "She always had the figure." The SD comes home and stays with us w/baby on holidays or in summer. At first, my husband warned me not to give the SD hard time with rules and discipline, as she should relax and take good rest from her single-mom life. Then, she took off to downtown all day to party and hang around with friends, and came home like 4:00 a.m. She slept in until 2:00 p.m. only to get ready for another partying. Wife of my SS (visiting then) got very mad about SS and my husband's defensive attitude for SD, as we were taking care of SD's baby all the time. We confronted the boys and gradually made SD to stay w/her baby. SD totally believed that she was giving us an opportunity to have a quality time with her baby??? Whatever that is, I cannot have her back here to be a full time student. She will leave the baby to us (me) and either study, sleep, party, etc, like normal STUDENTS do. I am not sure about this "upgrading her education for her future career opportunity" idea. The lost income and cost of living for two years is very expensive. Landing on any better paycheck to pay off all the lost money and keep up with her life style will never happen. Anyhow, I am not looking forward to seeing my husband tonight, only to have another friction about the SD's plan... BIG SIGH....See MoreI need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Comments (5)Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom....See MoreQuestion for Adult Stepdaughters
Comments (30)I am new to this forum - this is my first post. I am a 29-year old SD...and, maybe, future-SM. I have been in a serious relationship for the past year with a wonderful man who has two young daughters who live several states away with their BM. I adore them and enjoy spending time with them every month or two, and the BM and I get along fine. The posts on this forum have been incredibly insightful and I have discussed many of the issues with my BF. But, I want to address the question about my relationship with my SM. The further I progress down the road to potential SM-hood, and the more I examine the issues that many stepfamilies face, the more I have sympathy for some of what my SM probably went through, i.e. my considering my father's house as solely his and not hers, etc. (My parents divorced when I was 8, SM came on the scene as GF when I was 14, and married my father when I was 23.) I was a typical teenager with a bad, confrontational attitude. I will probably be cursed with the same kids someday - LOL. I am a fair person and I always apologize when I go the wrong way, irrespective of whether the person overall "deserves" it. When I'm wrong, I'm wrong. However, my SM was one my brother and I saw through from the beginning. She is racist, materialistic, and gives the most conditional of love - meaning, as long as you like the same things and hold the same philosophies she does, all is well in the world. Express a different opinion, and she clams up with her smug smile and says nothing. I have never met a more judgmental, bigoted person in all my life. Imagine that with a confrontational teenager...provacations galore. It shocks me that my dad has never seen his side of her (he sees her good attributes and she does have them, like a keen sense of history for example). I disliked her from the beginning because she trash-talked my mother (who she had never met) and told lies about me to my father. It took her many years to acknowledge and apologize (albeit indirectly) for her behavior...it is also something my father to this day is not comfortable discussing with me. Guess it would make it harder to stay married to a bigoted liar!! She has also abused his financial trust to the point where they now have "separate" finances (what a joke - they live in CA). It is unfortunate that my father puts whatever faith he has left in her to manage his affairs should the time come, and as of a few years back had neither a living will nor trust. At the end of the day, I accept my SM because she tries hard to make my father's life happy, and easier. She does a lot of things for him. I realize it is not my business that she moved into a house my father saved for his whole life and decorated it with her gazillion crappy knick-knacks - to each her own!! I find their dynamic stressful and upsetting, and their arguments and nit-picking seem to have escalated more over the years. The gift of my own aging has shown me that parents are just people, and we live cross-country now and have limited time together. They cannot tell me what makes me happy any more than I can tell them. Our relationship has changed from an authoritarian, parenting-style to one of adults who see each other at holidays and consult about important decisions. Another key is that she has demonstrated to me how NOT to be a SM. I pledged from my heart, from the beginning that I would never trash-talk my BF's daughters' BM (and ex-wife), and that I would deal with issues related to custody, finances, etc. with much more dignity and unconditional love than I was shown by my SM if and when the time comes. Finally, I understand why she was given to me in my life!! Feels good to pop out and say something here, after so many months. Best to you all!...See MoreAdult Stepdaughter Still Resents Me After 20 Years
Comments (6)Greetings. I also have no specific advice for you, however I can tell that this is a huge ongoing disappointment for you. Very unfortunate for sure. I would like to offer several observations from my own experiences. It seems to me that this general attitude from your stepdaughter is not specifically related to your "Step" relationship with her, rather it is likely due to her poor attitudes and values/priorities towards life and family in general. This negative attitude could also be largely due to her own personality traits and the broad family dynamics that all families experience. I have seen this negative ignoring attitude situation with grown children directed towards their intact family biological parents, and certainly towards their siblings. Parenting is an inherently flawed process, and mature adult children will rise above the past, forgive their parents (step or not) and work to build good family relationships, if that is important to them. This ignoring behavior from the stepdaughter is probably not about you specifically, however you make a very convenient target. One thing I had to teach myself is that when I give a card or gift to someone, I would simply enjoy my internal feeling of love by giving the gift, and to not expect any loving response in return. A loving act in return would just be some unexpected and wonderful "icing on the cake," if you know what I mean. If you don't truly enjoy the giving of the gifts and cards to your stepdaughter, then there is no point in continuing to give them. You might leave this card/gift duty up to her other parents and just go on giving to the ones that will actively participate in life with you in a positive way. Leave the door open for your stepdaughter to mature, however life is short and I say enjoy the loving relationships you have with your other family and friends, and let stepdaughter chart her own course without your concern. Good luck! I hope that my comments help in some small way....See Moresylviatexas1
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