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Should I stay or go?

Posted by obrnmom6 (My Page) on
Mon, May 21, 12 at 17:10

I may have previously posted on this subject, but I can't remember or find it if I did, and I really need support and advice.In 2009 I have 6 children of my own that I'm raising alone when I met and fell in love with a man that has 2 children that he is sharing custody with a soon to be ex. After 7 months we dedided to get a place together, but the catch is I must be the one to move becuase according to his children's gaurdian ad litem and his attorney he must live in the same small town as his ex and kids to be able to permanently get joint custody. And at the time he was fighting for sole custody.

We purchased a home in said small town, acutally it's in my name, since his divorce isn't final. We moved in early May 2010. I didn't connect well with his children and never really cared to be around them much, but I have always been courteous and pleasant. And when ever they would do something wrong I never felt it my place to discipline so I would let their dad know so he could handle it as he saw fit.

By the end of July I discovered his son, six weeks shy of 13, was molesting my 3 year old son. I caught him in the act so there is no way I could be mistaken. After handling it appropriately and filing a report with DCFS and the police my fiance, in name only, hires an attorney and gets DCFS and to police to drop the charges.

We continue to see each other and his son was not allowed to be at my home, so he visits him elsewhere, but our relationship quickly deteriorates. He is very pety and does not choose his battles when it comes to parenting pre-teens and teens, so he and my kids are always in an ugly disagreement about something or other. He says I don't parent them. I remind him that it may not be his way of parenting (screaming and bullying) but it doesn't make my way wrong, just different.

Sometime in mid September he moves out of our home completely. Leaving me with the mortgage and all the bills alone. My income barely supports the home alone and I didnt purchase it to live here without him. We still do see each other from time to time and by early December I discovered I am pregnant. You can only imagine his reaction. I was given an ultimatum of aborting the baby or losing him forever. Once he was through having his fit and I began to show he began to come around more often. I was terribly sick with the pregnancy and lost my job, but I managed to stick it out with the house. I begged him for us to get counseling and one day he consented to it, but it never happened and now he says my kids and his kids need to get counseling separate and once MY kids are fixed(they are lazy slobs) then maybe we can get counseling too. I explained that as the adults and foundation of a family we need to be strong and healthy first then add the children too.

He rented a duplex on the other side of town and stays there when he has is chilren. They come over during the day on weekends. We work around the yard or go have a family outing, but at night his oldest son cannot sleep at my home so the youngest children now ages 5, 3, and nearly 10 months are safe. He says he can't marry me until his oldest is out on his own, which could be 10 years or more. I'm not asking he not see this child, but that when night comes he must go back home to sleep at his mother's. I look at it like a consequence for his action of molesting my child, of which there havent' been ANY consequences.He looks at it like he is abandoning his child. I wonder if I can hire an attorney now if anything can be done, but probably not since the charges were dropped and he hasn't reoffended, at least not with any of my children. I can't attest to what he may do to neighbor kids at his mother's house or his dad's duplex.

Anyway, this is the way things have been going. I am at my financial end with this house and I am at my emotional end with this relationship. I'm going to go look at a rental tomorrow, which is $400 less than my mortgage and 20min closer to work. I know I'll have regrets forever if I move though. What if somehow I coud have stuck it out and made this work. I'm also concerned for the child we share. I'm not sure he will be kept safe from his older half-brother during visitation. Also, my 3yo doesn't know any other daddy so she's going to be heartbroken to lose him as her father.

All of this is just a big mess. I just don't know if leaving is the best, or staying and putting up with it all.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Should I stay or go?

Sorry about any typos. I don't have the time to correct at the moment.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

He would have been long gone the second I found out he had the charges dropped on his son. He had no right to do that. You need to protect your children. THEY are your priority not your boyfriend. I would put the house up for sale and move to a rental that you can afford without him. It is time to move on and get your life in order. That would be the best thing for you and your children.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Are you kidding me??? You should have been gone the minute his son touched your son!! IF not then, especially once this pedo's father had the charges dropped! Yes, go... go as quickly as possible for the safety of your children! This man sounds no good for you anyway. I know it will be difficult but do what is best for your kids! You do not sound like you are happy with him, anyway.
Good luck! I don't mean to sound harsh but your baby was molested! Wake up and get as far away from these people as possible!!


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Strike 1- having the charges against his son dropped

Strike 2 - gives you the ultimatum of having an abortion or losing him forever

Strike 3 - moves out the house, leaving you with the mortgage and all the bills to struggle on your own

Strike 4 - refuses to get counseling

Strike 5- refuses to acknowledge the wrong his son has done and get him the help he needs

"I know I'll have regrets forever if I move though. What if somehow I could have stuck it out and made this work."

Yeah, because so far it's been going so great *sarcasm*

"I'm also concerned for the child we share. I'm not sure he will be kept safe from his older half-brother during visitation. Also, my 3yo doesn't know any other daddy so she's going to be heartbroken to lose him as her father."

And why is it that your 3 year old doesn't know any other daddy? Do your children have a relationship with their father? Instead of worrying about keeping this loser guy as a father figure for your 3 year old, figure out how to keep your children safe and your family financially secure.

Thank goodness the house is in your name only. Now you can sell it without having to worry about him getting half. Sell the house, move into a rental and move on with your life. Concentrate on taking care of your kids and yourself before getting involved with another man. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Strike 1- having the charges against his son dropped

Strike 2 - gives you the ultimatum of having an abortion or losing him forever

Strike 3 - moves out the house, leaving you with the mortgage and all the bills to struggle on your own

Strike 4 - refuses to get counseling

Strike 5- refuses to acknowledge the wrong his son has done and get him the help he needs

"I know I'll have regrets forever if I move though. What if somehow I could have stuck it out and made this work."

Yeah, because so far it's been going so great *sarcasm*

"I'm also concerned for the child we share. I'm not sure he will be kept safe from his older half-brother during visitation. Also, my 3yo doesn't know any other daddy so she's going to be heartbroken to lose him as her father."

And why is it that your 3 year old doesn't know any other daddy? Do your children have a relationship with their father? Instead of worrying about keeping this loser guy as a father figure for your 3 year old, figure out how to keep your children safe and your family financially secure.

Thank goodness the house is in your name only. Now you can sell it without having to worry about him getting half. Sell the house, move into a rental and move on with your life. Concentrate on taking care of your kids and yourself before getting involved with another man. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Amber pretty well said everything I would have. The only thing I would add is that the regrets you ma have if you go will be far less than the regrets you will have if you stay, with crippling debt and being in fear that his older son will molest your children.
Why you stuck it out even this long is a total mystery to me. As others have said, the time to leave would have been the minute you found his 13 yo molesting your child.
Sell the house, move someplace far enough away to be difficult for him to want to visit your as yet unborn baby and get on with your life. He's not helping you financially - does he pay child support for his other children? What are the odds of his paying child support for your baby?
In your position I'd be willing to entertain the concept of not naming him as father and forgoing the child support in order to keep your baby safe. Would he be likely to ask for a DNA test if you did that?


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Our child is nearly 10 months old. This is one reason I stayed I can always be here and oversee visitation when his oldest is around.

He does pay child support for his other kids, well his wages are garnished so he has no choice.

I just feel like Icant stay another minute. If I go now I'd probablly foreclose on this house, but sometimes I think it may be worth it.

He alo threatens to take our son from me. I know this isnt very likely to hapen but it still worries me.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

"His wages are garnished so he has no choice."

Boy, it just gets better and better.
Yes, get away. If you have to foreclose on your house, do it, it will be worth it.
"He also threatens to take our son from me. I know this isnt very likely to hapen but it still worries me."
You have custody of your six other children. You know how hard it is for fathers to get custody of their children. I have a feeling there is something you're not telling us. Why in world would this threat worry you?

Now, I am only saying this because I feel it's so your own good. You now have seven children and it does not sound like you are getting help with any of them. It's time to invest in some birth control. Whether it be birth control pills, depovera, or even condoms. It's not fair to yourself or your existing children to bring any more into this situation.

And I normally do not advocate for keeping a child away from his father, but I'd say this is one situation where I say it's a good idea. Or maybe supervised visits. But the only way you have a good chance at getting supervised visits is by showing the proof of what the 13 year old did to your child. Which brings me to the charges. I'm wondering how your BF was able to get the charges against his son dropped. I thought only the victim could agree to dropping the charges.

Here's what you need to do now. Most divorce attorneys will give you an half hour to an hour consultation for free. Find one that offers a free consultation, write down all your questions and meet with one.

You need to determine what to do with the house, how to get supervised visitation and child support established for your youngest child.

Good luck.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

I have to state the obvious because it doesn't seem that anyone has picked up on it yet. The 13 year old IS STILL A CHILD. If he molested your 3 year old, it's highly likely he himself was molested... I'd investigate who molested him because it strikes me in the gut that the father that got charges dropped might just be the one that molested the 13 year old... and I would not want him as a father figure to any child, let alone an impressionable 3 year old and innocent 10 month old that he demanded you abort in order to maintain a relationship. He sounds like a control freak. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy I would want around my children.

Let the house go & focus on being the responsible parent to your kids... and don't let the molestation fall to the wayside. Your child may need counseling and even if formal charges are never made, the fact that you reported it & documented it will help you win custody & supervised visits.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Well, for what it's worth some people choose to have big families, which I had when I divorced. Also, I had an IUD when I got pregnant this last time.

Imamommy, you are correct when you said my BF is a control freak; however, as for being a child molester I can gaurantee he is not. And his so was asked if anyone has molested him and he says no. It is often true molesters were abused but this is not always the case. And as for his oldest that is exactly the problem he is still a child, a confused messed up kid whose dad loves him. I personally can't stand him for what he's done to my child, but I can only imagine the pain his father has knowing his kid was capable of doing something so heinous.

On one hand my BF can be kind, loving patient father, on another he is a bully and a tyrant.

Amber, Yes he wages are garnished it was set up that way at the time of his divorce and prior to his divorce he continued to make the house payment and bills at his ex's, he also payed for new clothes, shoes and coats for his kids as the need arose. She just had to worry about food for the kids when they were with her.

There is nothing I'm not telling you. It worries me because stranger things have happened. I frequently hear stories reported of unjust placement of chilren. I did bring it up to him that he couldn't get custody of his other kids from their mother, who didn't work for years outside of the occasional odd job and made less than $1000/ month and he had been employed at the same place for 15 years making a decent living. He's just saying it to hurt me, I know this, and he's still successful.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Well at least he's finally divorced. You said above he was still married --"We purchased a home in said small town, acutally it's in my name, since his divorce isn't final."--

I really do not understand what it is you think you are getting out of this relationship nor why you think things will be different if you stay. --"On one hand my BF can be kind, loving patient father, on another he is a bully and a tyrant"-- this is not the signs of a normal healthy stable well functioning adult. In fact it could very well describe a bio-polar personality.

Now that you have seven children by yourself, this really needs to be your focus. What life do they have if their stepfather/father is kind one moment and turns ugly the next? What life do they have if they can sense the unhappiness of the whole situation. The abused child will have to live his life dealing with what happened to him. The SS who did it is seriously troubled. Should the father banish his son? No, the troubled youth needs his family to get him the help and counseling this child too needs. But, you can't turn back the clock. There is no forgetting what happened and quite honestly no assuring the teen won't do it again (if not your children, another child).

Is this really how you desire to spend your life? Waiting another 10 yrs for a man to maybe someday marry you? Maybe someday have a normal home? (I'm not going to ask why the son has to be 23 or older to be out on his own) The guy dumped the bills on you now. The guy who you claim your little girl thinks is 'Daddy' in reality has a bully and tyrant for a father figure (your own description of your BF) Left you with a house in your name that you purchased while he was still married. Guy is straight up telling you he is not going to change anything... he tells you your children are the problem and you should 'fix' them. So what is there left for you that you think there is to maybe someday regret leaving? What do you have in this relationship now?

Are your older children's father/s involved with your kids? Is he/they helping you out with child support?

If you have to ask a stranger on the internet 'should I stay or go' , I think you already know for yourself what the answer is. You just have to gain the strength and courage to do what you already know is the best thing to do.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Sure, there's nothing wrong with having a big family, but yourself said you are raising these six (now seven) kids all by yourself. Like JMT asks - how involved is the father/s of your other six kids?

The reason why I said it feels like there is something you're not telling us is because you said
"my 3yo doesn't know any other daddy so she's going to be heartbroken to lose him as her father." And how could it be that your 3 year old does not know any other daddy? Why wouldn't your 3 year old know his real father?

You said about your BF "well his wages are garnished so he has no choice" as if to say if he DID have a choice he would not provide for his kids.

Then later on you say how he paid all the bills and paid for the kids clothes, etc. Well, just remember, even bad people will be good some of the time, but don't think that just because some of the time he's a good father that you should put up with his "fits" and ultimatums. A decent man would not pressure you to have an abortion if you didn't want one.

I just hope you are not trying to keep this guy around simply so that your children have a father figure around.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

Leave


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RE: Should I stay or go?

however, as for being a child molester I can gaurantee he is not

No one can guarantee that.

And his so was asked if anyone has molested him and he says no.

Children often lie about these things. They lie from shame, they lie to protect those they love (even their molestor), they lie out of fear . . . The reasons they lie are limitless. Anyone who has experience with victims of abuse can tell you that.

Maybe your partner isn't a molestor and maybe his son wasn't molested. But there's no way in the world you can be certain of either and frankly, that's not a risk to take.

I hope you pay careful attention to previous posts and get out of this situation ASAP.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

what readinglady said.

"On one hand my BF can be kind, loving patient father, on another he is a bully and a tyrant."

That's one of the scariest things I ever read, not only because of its actual content but because of the fact that it seems that you find this acceptable, or normal, or something.

It's like saying serial killers are nice to their wives (which they often are).

The "positive" things you say about this guy, the defenses you make for him, are rationalizations so you don't have to make a change.

If you aren't a decent enough mother to protect your children, think about the risks to yourself:

In many states, the fact that you are keeping your child in an environment in which you know or have reason to suspect he had been mistreated or was at risk of being mistreated ("molested" is such a benign-sounding word; your son has been-what?-fondled? raped? sodomized? forced to perform oral sex?) would cost you custody & maybe jail time & maybe a lifelong criminal record as a sex offender.



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RE: Should I stay or go?

I'll never understand the human race. There is no way I would stay with that man, never. He is protecting his son who molested your child and you are still with him????


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RE: Should I stay or go?

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to explain further, but my 3 yo only knows my bf as daddy because her bio-dad has never been in the picture. My ex never sees his kids because he is incarcerated.

Until all of this happened my bf didn't behave as a tyrant. He's confused, hurt, and angry. We all say and do things we don't mean when we're hurt. There doesn't seem to be a way possible for us to heal as a family.

I am aware of how kids lie about abuse. I am a surrvior of abuse myself. And yes, I've been in counseling for it.

If we had already been married should I have just left? If this had been my own son who was the molester, what would we do with him then. I do feel his dad has mishandeled the situation.

It's quite unbelievable how people pass judgement when others come here for help. I went through the proper legal steps to assure my son's safety when I discovered the abuse. The Child Advocacy Center in my county was discussing ways in which we could install alarms on doors to be able to have his son live in the same house, so I don't believe I'm doing anything illegal. But this is why we are not together. I won't have him living in the home. I refuse to live in fear of my child getting hurt.

Funny how it's all black and white for many of you. What if your own children did this to one of their younger sibs?


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RE: Should I stay or go?

There was a incidence similar to this one in my sister's family and the molester was not allowed back in the house, locks or not. If he came back children's service would take all the children away. The mother eventually let the molester back in. Can you imagine how the abused child must have felt to be around that person again? It's a mother's job to protect her children.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

You came on here asking if you should stay or go?

"If we had already been married should I have just left?"
If I was married to someone who allowed his son to abuse my child and got the charges dropped, YES, I would have taken my child and left.

"If this had been my own son who was the molester, what would we do with him then."
You would report it to the authorities, and get him the help he needs, counseling, therapy, etc. And the point is, he's NOT YOUR SON. His dad is the one that should have handled this situation differently. You asked should you stay or go - why continue to be with someone who handles a serious matter like this the way he has?

It's not about a situation being black and white. It's about how many times do you let someone hurt and use you before you decide you and your children deserve better? Instead of getting his son help, he gets the charges against his son dropped. Then he gives you the ultimatum of having an abortion or losing him forever. He leaves you when you're pregnant, to struggle on your own to pay the mortgage on the house that you got FOR HIM.

Is this the kind of man you want your 3 year old looking up to? Or any of your kids, for that matter?


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RE: Should I stay or go?

I know this is a very painful and difficult situation for you and your children. It's not pleasant to get this kind of feedback.

Nevertheless, you have a partner with big issues. That 13 year old needs expert help and intervention to help him and prevent further occurrances.

And it's hard to imagine you can protect your son 24 hours a day unless you decide to lock him up. As he grows older he's going to be out of your sight more and more often.

1. You have a partner who abandoned you, leaving you with sole financial responsibility for the house you purchased.

2. He is petty; he and your children are always in an ugly disagreement about something or other.

3. He impregnates you then demands an abortion.

4. His son molests your child but he focuses only on getting his son OFF which is good neither for his son nor yours.

5. He refuses to go to counseling and puts all the pressure on you to fix your children.

So he is petty, bullying, selfish, manipulative and irresponsible.

I don't think we're being judgmental. We didn't say ending the relationship was easy; we said it was necessary.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

The mere fact that you ask the question is all you need to know the answer is go. Why ask the question? If you should stay, you'd stay. It's what you WANT to do. But you also know that you should go. But you don't WANT to go. So, you ask a group of strangers, perhaps hoping someone will say that you need to stay for your child's sake, because that is the answer you WANT to hear.

I love my husband. He's a great guy. He's hard working, responsible, good looking and fun to be around. But, his daughter doesn't like me. I am divorcing him. Not because his daughter doesn't like me, but because he refuses to stand up for me as his wife. He does not respect the vows we made and he does not treat me as his partner.

The choice is yours to stay or go. Every person needs to decide for themselves when enough is enough. The sad part is that the children do not get a say... whether it's good or bad for them. They live with the choices the adults make and they grow up to have their own feelings about that. They get to choose whether they will love or hate you... want a relationship with you or move as far away as possible. That is the day of reckoning.. when they are grown adults.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

--"Until all of this happened my bf didn't behave as a tyrant. He's confused, hurt, and angry. We all say and do things we don't mean when we're hurt. There doesn't seem to be a way possible for us to heal as a family."--

Ok, you just readily admitted there is no way to heal this 'family'...so why play the 'what if' scenario card?

The troubled teen IS NOT YOUR CHILD. Why the 'what if' game? 'What if' is the the attempt of one who is making excuses and trying to justify.

If you stay, stay. I wish your children all the best (they're going to need it). If you go, go. Frankly your entire postings have been focused on 'what if'. What if I regret leaving? What if this were my troubled teen? How about you seek counseling for yourself to help you clear your head? Asking a group of strangers does not seem to be working for you. You've only moved from 'what if I regret leaving' to 'what if this troubled teen were my child'. This is NOT your child. Why go there? You're not responsible for other people's children. Your focus in life should not be on someone else's child. 'What if' is for people who are not actually in the situation nor subjecting their children to this situation....'what if' for you, has passed.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

readinglady, thank you. I'm taking steps to end this. I've changed my children's daycare to one that doesn't involve depending on him or his family to pick up my younger kiddos. I've gotten my house keys back from him as well. Financially I would like to stay here another 11 months. Then put the house on the market. I took advantage of the tax credit a few years back and if I sell now I have to come up with $8000 to pay back and I would really not like to foreclose. I've contacted an attorney to determine custody of our shared child. This is killing me but I'm doing it.


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RE: Should I stay or go?

I think you've made a good decision, Obrmom.


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