left out again - don't want to attend half-brother's wedding
jmandersonfinch
14 years ago
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organic_maria
14 years agokkny
14 years agoRelated Discussions
Don't invite me to your kids wedding! - Vent
Comments (10)This is what happened to me. DH and I got married in the spring of 2003. At the time his uncle (DH's father's brother) was dying. They live in the midwest (we live in New England). My MIL INSISTED (and she never insists, she's very nice) they (uncle, aunt and 3 adult children and their families) not be invited because they would not come due to the uncle being so ill and it would seem like a grab for gifts. I disagreed (I think you invite all aunts and uncles even if they live on the space station), but went along with MIL. When DH and I went out to the uncle's funeral one month after the wedding we learned one of his cousins was actually in Boston (less than an hour drive from our wedding!) for the week of our wedding. They knew we were getting married. They could have attended. But we didn't invite them! I felt so horrible. I apologized and explained what happened (i painted MIL in a sympathetic light), and I think all was forgiven. I don't think I'll ever listen to MIL again on something like this though, I should have followed my gut. Five years later and I still feel awful about it. If you can't afford a gift I would send the couple a note wishing them much happiness, maybe with a little anecdote about when they were small (if you knew them). I received some notes like that, and they meant more to me than most of the gifts I received since they came from the heart (and not WalMart)....See MoreDon't want to be bridesmaid...mother in law wedding
Comments (23)Thank you all for all the advice and opinions. I have ordered the dress and I am going through with it. I did try to talk to the bride. I declined the nail, hair, makeup appointments on the reason that I will just not have time that day to attend them. She is now very angry with me because I am not "cooperating" with what she wants for her "special" day. My hair & makeup will not match the other bridesmaids or hers. Oh well, life moves on. I got the matching dress and I have a hairdresser friend who is coming to my house to do my hair & makeup(this helps me with time because I don't have to go anyplace). I am not the cake server, just the cake maker & set up. Yes, I will be attending the wedding anyhow....the reason I originally agreed....I would be there anyhow..why not stand up for her. It got way more complicated after that point. My husband will be helping me. He has to get ready for the wedding as well and has his own list of "chores" he is supposed to be getting done the day of the wedding. He will be getting the boys ready....we have 2. I will be responsible for our daughter. Not sure where the communication in the thread came from that said i had 3 boys....i may have typed something incorrectly. Bride is also upset that I am not allowing my daughter to attend the nail, hair, makeup sessions too. She is 8 years old and is supposed to be a jr. bridesmaid but IMO she does not need nails & makeup done. My friend is doing her hair when she does mine. I really am trying to make this all work. I have a very tight schedule that day. It keeps getting worse....yesterday the bride tells me she wants everyone at the wedding site at 2 pm....wedding is at 5. I just came right out and said....that is pretty much impossible for me with everything else but I will have your cake done and ready for the reception and myself & the children will be there and ready to walk down the aisle when its our turn. I know how hectic weddings can be.....I deal with brides all the time. I am a cake decorator. In the months of May & June, I make as many as 5 wedding cake per week to be set up and delivered. I can deal with busy & stress. NEVER, have i ever had a bride behave as this one has. Lesson learned i suppose. Someone posted something about my in laws loving me or trusting me. I'm not all that sure that its that but more that there is no one else for her to turn to, to get things done. She has burned a lot of bridges over time. & I am apparently glutton for punishment. haha Also, I did decline to host the wedding showers and bride is very upset because no one else did them so they had not a single wedding shower. I offered to help if anyone else wanted to plan them but no one did. Again, thank you all so much for your help!! Ill post back later and let everyone know how everything ended up going. Date is April 17th. We shall see....I will put my very best effort forth...that is all I can do. :-)...See MoreShould we or Shouldn't attend the wedding
Comments (15)Scarlett, thanks for "allowing me to say "screw it". That about sums up how my hubby and kids feel as well as me. At least a good part of me feels. I've tried my best to change the relationship for over 20 years and gotten no where. I continued to try because my mother was alive and continued to want me to. No matter what I did, it never changed. On the other hand, it would be nice for it to, but at this point I don't forsee it happening. My daughter asked me yesterday, if the situation changed, would you ever be able to believe in or trust the change or would you be looking for the "underlying reason and what they are up to". I told her I didn't know and she said she would never trust them after all these years. When I told her that I didn't like her attitude and her taking sides or being caught in the middle between the parents on both sides, her comment was "we have been, both of your kids, because you have been trying so hard for so many years and keep getting shot down and we see how it has affected you. You gave custom handmade graduation gifts to both of my cousins along with graduation cards and only got 1 thank you note from one of your nieces, and both of you kids didn't even get an acknowledgement on either their HS of college graduations. You sent them pics of us from graduations and you got nothing. When grandma died, they wiped out her apartment of almost everything before you and dad got there at the time you where told to meet them there. When we got there, there was nothing left for us to take and everything my brother and I gave our grandmother was gone. When we said something about the stuff, your brother and sister-in-law told us we where lying that their kids gave grandma everything and we gave them nothing. All my brother and I have is a coffee mug we each gave her one year that says "worlds best grandma". They took everything else. So how can you say we aren't caught in the middle. You didn't put us in the middle, they did." She's right about all she said, and I could add so many more things. The reasons for going to this wedding are really not the right reasons to go; because my mother would want me to, to spite them if that's the reason we where invited, ETC. One thing I've learned in the past few years of my health not being good is that life is to short and you never know when your health will be good or bad. Take the advantages of good health and enjoy them, deal with the bad when you have to, but don't torture yourself with what could have been and what you should have done and didn't do. You can't change that. I would love to add a family tie in to a wedding gift for my niece, but I don't have anything to give them. My mother left no will and they left me and my children with very little of anything of hers. As for recipes, well I sent them some after my mother died and was told not to send any more, they don't want them and through out what I sent them. I've spent quite a bit of time talking with my hubby, my kids and my best friend about what is the right thing to do and have pretty much decided, with all of them agreeing, that it's time to put this chapter of life to rest. My health, both physical and mental is far more important than any wedding to attend. I've been through several years of serious orthopedic and spinal health problems, several surgeries for them and am still trying to get back on me feet. Mentally, I'm just too drained from all that I've dealt with in the past couple of years to deal with the any more attempts to salvage something that no one who knows us and the situation believes is there to salvage. My family and friends have been through too much with me to see me suffer or be hurt or insulted again with this family situation. The words are "enough is enough, time to end the torture for yourself. Going to this wedding will be a physical strain on you that you shouldn't do, it may very well set back your recovery again, and you've had enough things happen to set you back that where beyond your control, but this one is." Being honest with myself, what they have said is true. My brother doesn't know anything about the health issues I've had or the spinal surgery, so I can't say anything negative about no contact with them over that. I never called him, nor did my hubby or kids. None of us saw any need to. The people that where important to us knew and where there to help me out with whatever help I needed for the past year and are still doing. I wouldn't expect my brother to have done anything. So, at this point in time, the invitation will be declined. I will send in the RSVP declined and the same day I mail that I will send a letter briefly explaining health issues that include spinal surgery and one set back after the other. I had hoped to be recovered enough to attend, but after seeing my spinal surgeon this past week, his advise is I am not medically or physically capable of attending the wedding or reception. I wish my niece the best and all the happiness in the world and when I am recovered enough, we would love to get together and catch up, see pics of the wedding etc. I will also send a note to my niece as well and will send a gift. It won't hurt to be the one to be courteous and polite. I was brought up that way, brought my children up that way as well. My daughter though, asked to have her name and her brothers included on the gift card when we send the gift and they will contribute to the gift. Again thanks for the advise. It is much appreciated....See MoreDon't people want to live near their families?
Comments (32)Please tell me what facts exactly are in question? Maybe I can clear it all up for you or would like the X's number to check it all out yourself? W/ her 'holier-than-thou' attitude these days, I'm confident she'd be honest with you. Years ago, maybe you'd have been buddies. What I see is that most kids spend far more time w/ their mothers than their fathers, in a normal nuclear family. Moms do the running, dads are working. Therefore, the mother is the most influential on their young minds. The mother is the parent with whom the children are more sympathetic. When mom paints the 'poor me' picture, the kids are emotionally taxed. Perhaps if my DH's ex's bf had NOT dumped her after DH moved out she'd have never needed a scapegoat. Perhaps if she watched my DH wallow in self-pity, become a hermit, and be run out of business by all of her antics, she would have some sick sense of satisfaction. She was jealous that the practice didn't fold, jealous that DH moved on. There she was, alone by her own doing, and not about to let her kids know the truth. She knew about my then-fiance - saw me all the time w/ him on weekends. I ran into her and the children on many occasions at the movie theatre. She wasn't even cordial to me THEN, let alone the following year when DH and I started dating. She was angered, or so I heard, that I didn't leave the practice when we were in a delicate position financially. I'm not a job-hopper, esp. at this level, and patients were still coming in despite her harrassment of the staff and attempts to have a number of 'mutual friend' patients stop being treated by DH. I wasn't sure what her aim was there - just hated him as she admitted to the kids (when she told them she had had an affair.) She resented the fact that we began dating and were happy and successful. PERIOD. Anger, bitterness, and the like are just ugly emotions. My Skids did not realize the tennis coach was the man w/ whom their mom was intimate. Sadly, she had always included this man in their outings to the movies, bowling, etc. throughout the marriage to DH. So, when he continued to be a fixture in their lives, until he dumped her and then moved away, it was par for the course. DH worked long hours, tennis coach was over for dinner after tennis lessons, etc. In the summer, she, the coach, and the three kids were a 'family' while DH worked, I guess. I did see them when out w/ my DNs on my day off, but never dreamed she'd be interested in the coach - he was OK from a distance, but up close, rather sloppy in appearance. DH is immaculate. I have one final thing to add about your 'theories.' My best friend from dental school and I once had a discussion when one of our classmates parent's cheated on the other and the marriage ended. She said, "I don't know about you, but I think if my dad ever cheated, I'd never be able to forgive him. But, if my mom did, I think I'd want to hear her reasons and would probably justify what she did!" I agreed. The logic makes no sense, but we BOTH felt that way - we are both very close to our mothers but had/have (her dad passed away since then) wonderful, hard-working fathers. So, I imagine if she and I both felt that way, others do, too. It's just a shame that some women use their closeness to their children to turn those children against people they, themselves, do not like. I have a very difficult g-mother and my skids w/ whom I've had issues, to say the least. My kids LOVE all of them. I can rest at night. I've done my job. None of these are dangerous in any way, just people I do not particularly care for, but I won't let my ill feelings sour my boys' loving and generous nature. I can look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and not be embarrassed. And, it would be VERY easy to sway them into thinking the way I feel deep down inside. Of that, I'm certain. D...See Morenivea
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