Predictable stepmom vent on absent mom (long)
lobsterfun
11 years ago
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kkny
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodeborah_ps
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Stepmoms and Weddings
Comments (30)southernlights, I can see that you would be hurt (as anyone would be) to have loved someone who has made such a public rejections of you. No one would say that you should not feel hurt. But, LongTimeStep's issues were that she didn't receive a corsage, her step daughter had some photos taken with her bioparents which didn't include her, and her daughter (who was not close to her stepsister and who herself was not upset) was not asked to be a bridesmaid. In all other ways she was treated as the other immediate family members were. The corsage is really a non-issue- I bet no one at the wedding noticed- , the photo thing is also a non-issue because at weddings they take all kinds of different groupings which include some and not others, and similarly the bridesmaid thing is a non-issue because there's no rule about which if any family members should be included in the wedding party- that is for close friends/family of the bride and groom. If they feel closer to a friend than a family member then there is no requirement to have the family member anyway. Her other issue was the bride being given away by her bio-parents. So what? It doesn't mean that they are/should still be married. It just means they are the bio-parents and the bride was close to both. The Dad was hardly going to walk down the aisle with his ex-wife and suddenly think, Oh, I should be married to this woman and ditch LongTimeStep. Some people feel the need to find a slight in everything others do, when it isn't there. They would be happier if they didn't assume everything someone else does is a deliberate dig at them. But yes, having a step daughter stand up and publicly announce that you mean nothing to her is hard to misinterpret- and totally bitchy on the part of the stepdaughter. Also totally unnecessary- why does anyone need to know this? I think you are completely justified in feeling very hurt and in dissociating yourself from this witch....See MoreBio moms vs. Step mom (including TOW)
Comments (150)Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating....See MoreHello Moms * Stepmoms
Comments (23)I love my DS's relationship with DH! It's so awesome! And I contribute it to a few different things, because it didn't start off so great. The first year was HELL with X accusing DH of abusing DS and calling him names. 1. DH did not jump into a relationship with DS. Sure we did things together, but he wasn't super-nice or a disciplinarian. He kind of just hung back for a few years and was peripheral in DS's life. 2. DH never spoke a negative word or gave a negative impression regarding X. Even when DS relayed some of the things X would say. If DH didn't think he could handle being at a game or whatever, he just didn't go. 3. I never asked DH to be more involved with DS until I knew they had a stable relationship. I knew that asking for more could have disrupted the delicate peace between them. 4. I allowed them to form a relationship that didn't involve me. They have common interests I don't share so they talk about those things while I stay out of it. I don't demand to be a part of everything just because he's "my kid". Now, they get along great and even X and DH get along. DS isn't afraid to love DH. DH is still a little apprehensive, but that's because he doesn't want to be perceived as stepping on X's toes. It's funny because they both kind of live their lives in barely-overlapping circles. Some days they may not say more than 2 words to eachother. Some days they'll sit on the sofa all day watching football and talking about it. The cutest thing happened this past Father's Day. DS spends every Father's Day with X, but he asked what "we" were giving DH for Father's Day. I told him that he normally doesn't give DH anything so i hadn't planned on anything, but that if he wanted to give DH something then I would arrange it. He said he did and that he wanted to give him something they could do together. So he picked going to a local minor-league baseball game the weekend after Father's Day. All his choice; nothing from me but putting the money up for tickets. They had a great time and DS has decided that since he spends every Father's Day with X, that he would call the next weekend "DH's Day" and would do something with him every year. I was nearly in tears! I couldn't believe what I perceived was a goofy little relationship was really something so much deeper....See MoreBeing a custodial step-mom
Comments (27)One parent cannot MAKE the other parent do anything.... not even take care of their own offspring. It really is sad. My SD9 lives with us and her mom wants to be her best friend but doesn't want her. I can totally relate because my SD's mom also has the "it doesn't work for me" attitude and she takes her kids with her when it's convenient for her or she needs to see them (they listen to HER problems, they give HER moral support, etc.) and when she wants the attention of being a mom, her kids are the props so people see her as a mom. It's never about what the kids want or need. But, that's another issue. In your case, you've been raising her since she was 4 and there's a reason her mom didn't. Her mom doesn't want her now and that's terribly sad for this child/teen, because it's hard enough to be a teenager and what every kid wants is to be loved... unconditionally. It's really unfair to say "now that you're a teenager & acting up, we want to get rid of you.... let your mom deal with you!" when you know her mom doesn't want her. Some of the things you describe are normal teen behavior.. testing the boundaries & ascertaining if they truly are loved unconditionally. Many of us were rebellious teenagers and not all rebellious teens come from a divorced family or step family situation. I believe it can be more complicated with steps involved but it also has to do with how it's perceived and how everyone reacts to it. I'd agree that it's more likely to be taken personally in a step situation where the step parent's children are not yet teens & the step parent has no idea how to deal with teens. In my situation, my kids are grown & I've dealt with three teens and I have concerns about what it will be like with my SD in a few years. Her mom allows her to do all sorts of things that we feel are shaping her to be a nightmare teenager. (ie. lets her dress 'sexy', puts fake tattoos on her belly, teaching her 'sexy' dance moves, puts nasty rap songs on her ipod, lets her watch R rated movies, etc.) and not a day goes by that I don't wish her mom would take more of an interest in raising her and being there for her. At this point, I'd be happy if she'd answer her phone or **gasp** pick up her own phone & call her daughter and if she would stop canceling her weekends... but we can't 'make' her. **sigh** However, it would be the wrong thing to decide to 'throw her back' because she's being difficult. Trust me, I've thought it & I've pondered it on here... 'should I throw in the towel?' but as hard as it is and as frustrating as it can be, giving up on a child is only going to make things worse. I also understand how hard it is when you are raising your kids & you don't want them to pick up on a bad influence but I have three kids and my oldest one did things that I worried would be a bad influence on my two younger ones... but he's my son. It was a good lesson for my two younger ones to learn.. that we don't turn our back on family. Your SD is family....See Moreimamommy
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