Predictable stepmom vent on absent mom (long)
lobsterfun
11 years ago
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kkny
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agodeborah_ps
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
I don't think I can be a stepmom any more
Comments (8)This is a very tough situation to be in. It is very disturbing to hear of the sexual abuse and the dead puppy. If I were you I'd be very concerned this boy doesnt have alot of contact with your young daughter. Unfortunately many abused victims do in turn become "abusers". Seeing as though you have tried counseling and everything and nothing is getting better,I can understand how you feel about wanting him in foster care. Can I ask...did it come out in counseling that his mom sexually abused him? If so,then have charges been pressed against her? It sounds as though she has had alot of men around too,and any of them could have abused the boy also. Of course your husband may blame himself.He feels he should have protected the boy from this ever happening. Still,my number one priority at this point would be making sure this does not happen to your daughter. You never said how old the boy is? I also do not see how DFS can tell you that you cant spank your kid. As far as I know spanking is not illegal. I'm so sorry that being a stepmom has turned out this way for you. I think for our own biological kids to do things like this is bad enough,but when step kids do it we feel more powerless in the situation. Is there a grand parent,or a aunt or uncle the boy could stay with? One that maybe does not have children who wouldnt mind being a sort of MENTOR? Hopefully you will get some more great advice from others in the forum. I can mainly only offer my sympathy......See MoreNew step-mom here...
Comments (11)It's so funny how I KNOW everything you're saying but how different it sounds coming from someone else and not myself. And you are 100% correct that she tricked him into it. BOTH times. 1st was for marriage, the second was the first talk of divorce. I know how important it is for him to plan our "trying." I've been on pre-natals since November but we've pushed it back from this past Feb. to this coming Sept. I am willing to compromise to whatever his needs (reasonably) so that he is 100% ready for it to happen if/when it does. And he's voiced how excited he is to try for a girl - he's an amazing dad and I know she'd be a total "daddy's girl" which worries him that I want my own baby so bad and she'd be more about him than me *LOL* :) I know part of my issues are jealousy and part are this insecure part of me that doesn't like to be new at something. I'm the youngest and vividly recall feeling stupid for not knowing information or how to do something that the older kids could. I hear people talk about the life changing "wow we have a baby; what now?" affect. My friend was talking about how she and her husband were married 5 years before having their oldest. She said they wanted it, tried for it, but still came home from the hospital, put him in his bouncy chair and just looked at each other like, "now what?" It really bothers me that he will never have that "let's figure this out together" thing with me. He already knows what to do with a baby. It's even more upsetting as a woman that my husband could answer my pg/baby questions. It's actually nauseating to me. The other part is that I can't even confide in the one woman I never felt stupid "not knowing" around - my mom - because she passed away 6 years ago this June. I'm close with my MIL, she's a lovely lady, I just miss what I had with my mom. I think that's why I want a girl so badly. My sister and I are very different people but she understands me and also had her 1st after the death of our mom. I know she will be there for me (and she's had two girls and is a SM of a 15-year-old boy.) It's nice to have supports (you all included!) Jessegirl, I actually had such a difficulty adjusting to my whole situation (5000 mi. away from anyone I know, stay-at-home mom from previous working woman, dealing with the emotions of "step-mom" "second wife") and wondered if I really want to "start over" since they will both be in school next year. But then that thought angers me; That I'm burnt out on being a mom and I've never felt a baby kick. I already gave up on the possibility of multiple kids of my own but really feel that I NEED a baby of my own. I think I deserve that. Fortunately, so does my DH. And it will be amazing to create life from love instead of manipulation. I just wish I could OWN what you all have said. I know I'm the mom here and I know I'm the one the boys will think back to and I know I've been put here for a reason and that those boys need me. And I need them...it's just so strange the way the head and heart have this strange disconnect feature between them, y'know? MIL is a twin and sometimes I hope to have twins myself because I KNOW that will be different for him! How juvenile is that?!?!?! Well...Thanks for listening guys... The in-laws arrived safely and I must return downstairs. The puter' is in our room, which is theirs for the next two weeks so my apologies in advance for not being around much! J...See Moreneeded to vent (really long) sorry :(
Comments (11)I don't think you're a child-hating ogre. I think you're feeling frustrated and isolated, which is a perfectly normal set of human emotions. You said that DH is stepping up, which is promising. It sounds like he genuinely wants to work on this, but isn't sure how to be a real parent. IMO, he wants to be his son's buddy, not his father, which explains the sundae when SS didn't finish his supper. I understand the annoyance at SS asking your mom for a birthday gift. My FDH's son (also 9) also has his "I want" on these days... And it drives me nuts!! But try not to compare what your family does for SS vs. what DH's family does for your kids - it's out of your hands, and isn't worth stewing over. For next year's birthdays, maybe drop a STRONG hint to DH's mom and ask "Do you need gift ideas?" when you invite them to your kids' parties, but try not to waste your energy on this one. Stealing and lying are not OK. What consequence came down for stealing the game and lying about it? Would you mark kids' initials on their games and other valuables to help prevent this is the future? It sounds to me like overall, SS is showing improvement and so are you and DH. In past posts, you didn't seem to even be able to focus on certain things that SS did, or identify exact cases where DH was slipping... But in this one, you are able to articulate precise things that are issues and why. This is probably going to come out all wrong, but if I can clearly identify specific things that A__ (FDH's 9yo son) did that were "bad", then it was a good couple days. For example, A__'s last stay was Friday morning to Sunday afternoon, and it was quite good. He had his "I wants" out, he got busted for a small lie, and he was chewing on the Wii remote, but was overall well-behaved. He had pretty good manners, was positive and helpful, had a good attitude and was mostly listening to us. Basically, he was being 9, not being a little sh17, so it was good. Does that make any sense? IMO, if you can say "He was mostly good, but with the following bad behaviors, ___, ___ and ___" then you're on the right track. I think that venting to us is probably a good way to get your frustration with SS and DH off your chest, and get your thoughts together so that you can talk to DH without exploding. But one thing to note... You mentioned that you feel DH is comparing the kids - well, to be frank, that's what you're doing too. I only deal with one kid at home, so I don't fully know what boat you're in, but please try to remember that each of these kids is different and needs different things from you and DH. Thinking "one does this, and one does that" just sets you, DH and the kids all up for failure....See MoreStepdaughters' lies and blaming stepmom
Comments (22)Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS....See Moreimamommy
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
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11 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
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